Top 10 for the Holiday Season

Wow I can't believe Christmas has now come and gone. It was such a quick but wonderful few days of celebrations. We had so much to be thankful for this year.

Here are my top ten highlights of the holiday season......

10. Snowboard Trip: Finally a light bulb clicked in my head! I finally did it with minimal falls and no broken bones or even bruising! This for me is a HUGE feat! As I rode down my last run of the day (it was blue by the way!) I had not even fell down once. I decided to yell over to my husband who was next to me at the bottom of the mountain. I yelled, "HEY! I made it to the bottom of the mountain without FaaaaaaaLINGGGGGGGG!" And.... BOOM... fell right there as I neared the base of the mountain (right next to a sign that read: SLOW!)

9. The Dogs: Well after that great snowboard trip I returned home to yet another lesson in 'Stuff is just Stuff'! The cute cuddly puppy ATE my couch! Not just chewed but shredded a part of my couch! Oh the memories of Christmas!

8. The Wallet: It is Christmas should I really elaborate much more on this??? I guess I could just look at it as a wallet clean out, so when I get some money again I will be able to buy a new one!!!!!

7. The Food: What a great holiday for over-eating, too much junk, and way too many leftovers! The food was good but the extra unwelcome pounds are really not!

6. The Sales: Here is my new plan, we don't celebrate Christmas till Dec 27 next year. That will give us one full day to go and shop the same exact things that we would have bought before Dec 25 at 50% OFF! It is funny how every store now has their LOWEST PRICES EVER sale after people buy way too much stuff at their LOWEST PRICES EVER SALE!

5. The Decorations: The lights, the tree and red and green decor that were once so excitedly put up is piled one by one into a box to look at again in a year. I think we need a year to have the energy to do this all again!

4.The Family: Anytime a family gets together the music is loud, food is good, and people....well they are crazy!!!! I love the big get together but even more than that I love that feeling when every guest has left. It is a sit on the couch and let out a big sigh....we did it kind of feeling!

3. The resolutions: We all make them. What will it be losing weight, budgeting better, organizing your place or mind, or eating healthier? We are so lucky there are places putting everything for those resolutions on sale or gyms running specials! Will you keep them though, that is the question!

2. My husband: The date day snowboarding and the Christmas shopping together were great. I am so thankful that he is such a wonderful father and husband. We got to spend 5 days in a row with him and enjoyed each one of them. Now if he would just cut that hair!!!! :)

1. My kids: This by far is the greatest thing about the holiday season. The best part of this crazy money filled holiday season is by far the look on their faces Christmas morning looking at presents and the wonder that they show when they see an empty cookie plate! At the end of the day that smile, the thank yous, and the hugs make all of this craziness worth it. And think about it...in 363 more days till we do it all again!

Anniversary Day

Well I am posting today because I will be celebrating a very special day tomorrow. I will be hitting the slopes of the mountain tomorrow celebrating this special anniversary and won't be here to write about it. Can you guess what anniversary it is????
One year ago tomorrow, I heard the words that nobody wants to hear, "You have cancer". Now if you have read this blog at all you would remember that I really didn't "hear" those words and was so drugged up that it really is a blur. You get the idea though. Last year, I was the reason everyone's Christmas was a little more solemn. I was the reason that there were secret tears at Christmas instead of laughter. If it was up to me, even now, I would go back and hide it from them all (at least till Dec 26)! I felt as if I had RUINED Christmas for everyone. They all were crying and cursing and I...I just wanted to start a treatment plan that day! It was scary and unknown for us all, but I knew that day that my life was going to change! It really did too!

At first, I felt I had ruined Christmas. I soon discovered that I gave it more meaning. I think now especially this year and this day (well tomorrow) will stand out in minds of my family forever and make everyone a little more thankful for ME (just kidding, for each other)!!! What I initially thought of as the biggest curse and the most horrible thing in the world, turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me to date! Calm down I don't mean I want to do it again or that I didn't do my fair share of complaining. I just mean that since hearing those words I have done great things. I have showed myself and anyone watching that, "YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE TILL STRONG IS YOUR ONLY OPTION". I showed all of them (I Hope) that if you can laugh and enjoy having cancer, you really can enjoy ANYTHING. I also have discovered that I love to write. I have debated heavily if I should quit writing on this blog now. I mean I don't have cancer anymore and don't even know if anyone reads this either! What I have decided though is it doesn't matter....if nobody reads this or a million read this, it doesn't matter. I write because I love it and it's in my heart. Wouldn't it be great if we could all find that one thing that we would do in life for free!!! I have thanks to cancer.

Today (and tomorrow) I will continue to be thankful each day I am allowed to open my eyes and hug my kids and my family. I will use what I have gone through to help as many people as I possibly can! I will live and love and most importantly (to me) LAUGH every single day. This Christmas will be the greatest one, not only because I am here but my family doesn't have to watch this fight anymore! I love each and every family and friend that has made a difference in my fight. From cards,phone calls, facebook posts, dinners, and all the way to babysitting each one of you made a difference in my life. Each time I needed a boost, YOU were there to pick me up. I will never be able to repay each of you for these acts no matter the size, but I WILL spend the rest of my time here on this earth trying to pass this on to someone else who needs it!

I hope each person out there looks at Christmas a little different this year even if it's only for a minute. Be thankful for what you have and TELL them. The greatest gift you can give someone this year is to tell them how they changed your life!

One year ago (tomorrow) I heard the words that nobody wants to hear but those words are the ones that changed my life. The view from the top of this mountain was worth every step I took to get up to the top!

Screams from the morning

Oh how I love the sounds of screaming in the morning.....

I think it is funny how I attempt to have this normal little life, but it is so not even close. I often feel I am in a house full of divas!

Lets talk hi its deacon.how are you doing.what are you doing.
This is what happens when you walk away from a laptop in my house...6 year old bloggers......

Well as I was saying through the screams of the morning... Aren't kids wonderful! My son was sick ALL DAY yesterday and spent the entire day on the couch. Today he is 75% better but is making up for giving me one day of quiet. Today he and his sister have some make up fighting to do, and oh boy are they ever. They have fought about who is standing too close to each other, TV choices, facial expressions made to each other, and any other item possible. It is wonderful. No really it is. If my life was not like this I really would not have much to write about! :)

My daughter is a 3 year old drama queen. Her most recent performance was this morning. She decided that she was ready to eat breakfast and her servant (ME) was not moving very fast. After asking for cake mix for breakfast and being denied three times she huffed, scowled, and dramatically went to the fridge for some sausage. Before settling on sausage she did throw her hair back and say "I QUIT" and turned the light off on me.....what she quit exactly I don't know! :)

Oh well I am over the moon that I get to stay home here for the next 2 weeks. I am certain there will be many posts of my Vida loca! I will love every second of it! Who knows maybe someone will read this thing one day and this could be my job!? I would never run out of material! In the words of my little diva, "YOU ARE THE BESTEST!" Have a great day!

Someone else's eyes

I feel as if post-cancer I have someone else's eyes. I have really been trying to think of how to describe these thoughts and this seems to nail it on the head. I am approaching the one year mark of the day I heard those words (well kind of heard them, I was pretty medicated). I was one person this time last year and now I am someone different. I was stripped of all things and now I am doing my best to rebuild it all. Just as if a natural disaster has happened and leveled my home. I can rebuild but it will be different. You can't go back after you have been here and new normals are needed. I am finding myself caring less about the stuff and superficial things that make our world go around. I am caring more about WHAT I do with my time! This goes against so much of what the world seems to think, but I really don't care! I know how limited my time may be here and I want to do so much before it's done! In the process of revising and adding to my bucket list! I have so much to do!

I am going to a concert tonight, Carrie Underwood, who I love listening to. More than than that, I am going with my sisters and mom. The concert will be fun but the memories we will make along the way will be so much better! I may have someone else's eyes but I still have all the things that make me who I am.

Best Christmas Pageant Ever

No holiday season would be complete without a preschool Christmas pageant. It is the highlight of my young child years. I only have a few of these left and I love them so much. These things are great because there is singing, dancing, acting, overacting, and no acting! There is always the kid that sings the song louder than everyone else slightly off key. There are the kids that say, "No that's not the right line". There are those who refuse to participate and those who you could not drag them out of the spotlight. Sounds a lot like adults doesn't it? We have have all of these personality types too!

Last nights program certainly did not disappoint. There were all of the typical preschool Christmas pageant kids. It was great. One of my favorites was the boy whose mom said "Hi" as he walked down the isles of the church. She was taking a picture of course and he looks at her so irritated and said, "MOM I gotta go now!" I also missed but heard about a great fight between two lovely little angels on the stage. It was broken up and only scowls were exchanged instead of tears. I am bummed I missed that one but I hear it's on tape.

Let's not forget my little angel....or diva whichever. When she first entered the stage area she had her typical fingers in her mouth. Then they did an angel dance and she was right at home on that stage. When the angels headed up the isle they all pretended to fly down the isles (great picture opp right?). Well after all of the others flew down the isle I kept looking for Miley. She was the last one. Ok no big deal, but I still could not see her. There was a long break in angels and it looked like that was it. I started to wonder where she was. Right about that time I see her in the foyer looking around at flowers, talking to one of the shepherds and just generally doing her own thing. One of the teachers realized she had not gone and grabbed her. She walked slow down the isle and when she saw me she stopped and smiled. When she finally made it to the stage to sing her songs she stood there with her hands folded in front of her and her head tilted to the side and smiled the whole time. Well that in between every minute or so waving saying, "hi mom, hi grandma, and hi deacon" (she couldn't see dad and grandpa videotaping on the sides) She belted her songs and did her actions that went along and did great.

Now you would think the funny part would all be from the preschoolers but I did take a 1st grader with me too! After the fifteen minutes of him asking me every 30 seconds if it was time to start, asking if I had gum, and when did we get to have the cookies, the show started. During the show I do have give him credit he was really good. Now when we hit the cookie table that is when the good must have ran out of gas. He and my daughter grab like 5 cookies and then say, "we want cake". They did not eat all of that if you are wondering. :)

The evening was wonderful and I could not have asked for a better show! I am so thankful that my wonderful kiddos give me such great stories to tell! It really was the Best Christmas Pageant Ever!
"

Sigh of Relief

Big Sigh of relief today!

The roller coaster I have been on for the last week has finally come to an end. Last week I discovered another lump right around my scar site. I attempted to remain calm, but this is no easy feat when you have been through what I have been through in the last year.
The lump has been checked out by several wonderful doctors and it is nothing of concern. What a weight lifted off my already heavy shoulders. I am so happy about this that I am completely ignoring the fact that my wonderful puppy has destroyed my carpet. It's just stuff. It's my stuff, but whatever, i am too happy to care right now.

I really am hoping that in the next years ahead that the panic mode doesn't kick in every single time I feel something strange. I am sure it will, but it is a nice thought to think that I can remain calm. I will fight again if needed but I sure would like to refrain from chemical warfare for at least a full year!!! When I was going through cancer I would never have told anyone that it was bad. Now that I am not in the middle of it... I can see just how bad it really was and how bad I felt. I just kept in control of my outlook and everything went better than expected. I wonder if it's because I had no idea what to expect. Oh well, lessons were learned and I feel better for it. that really is all that matters! :)

Life is changing for me yet again. I can't say why just yet, but the winds of change are blowing me in a new direction. I am finally going to take my own advice and do something that I have been wanting to do. How it will all pan out....I have absolutely no idea. That, I think, is the best part. What a journey it has been so far. I have laughed, cried, been angry, and inspired. I hope that the new chapter will be filled with all of these too. I love a good story!

Is the grass greener?

Well the grass is always greener on the other side isn't it? That's what they say anyway! My dad had a million of them. In the last year I have really come to see these in full light. There are so many old sayings that have stuck in my mind over the years. It makes me think of my parents words that I once mocked. Oh come on you know the ones like, "If I have to turn this car around...", and "Nothing good happens after midnight". I remember these sayings like it was yesterday that my parents muttered them to me over and over and over.

These sayings, that I am certain were given to them by their parents, have stuck around for good reason. Think about it....what good REALLY happens after midnight??? As a teen, NOTHING! As an adult, AGAIN NOTHING!!! When do you think all the Dui's happen, kids get sick, or thoughts run aimlessly though your mind.

Then there is my favorite "Do I have to turn this car around?" This always makes me laugh because I have used this as a parent. It really is a great tool to keep your kids in line on long car rides isn't it? Well at least until they get smart and say, "yes...we wanna go back!!!" :) Think about it, do you really want to say that when you have just left like Disneyland or it's equivalent to your kids??? I don't think so! This one has stuck around for good reason too, but it is a different reason than the first. The first was true, so it made through multiple generations. The second however, this is just a "payback" from your parents. It is their attempt at "I told you so humor"! As soon as we use this and it backfires what do we do? We call our parents and thank them for putting up with so much. This is a "parental insurance policy". They paid their dues for many years and this saying is a guaranteed bet that you WILL appreciate what they did for you!

Then there is that grass. It will never be as long, short, green, or as thick as your neighbors. This saying always will ring true to me. I remember having no hair after chemo began. I had two wonderful handpicked wigs. The wig hair was never the wrong color, cut, and I hand picked them. One day I decided that I didn't like my hair as much as my friends hair. Really? I can't help but laugh because when I had hair I hated it. When I lost my hair I wished it would come back. And now that it is back, well take a wild guess on my thoughts on it! This saying is not only true for hair, bodies, houses, and stuff but life as a whole. Why can't we just be SATISFIED with what we are given? That is why this life lesson has survived because it speaks so much to life.

Whether your grass is green, you turn the car around, or are enjoying the wonders of after midnight just remember one little thing....Life is made up of powerful moments that can teach us so much. Take each one for what it is worth and learn from them all. You will then realize that the grass maybe greener somewhere else, but your grass is YOURS!!!!!

Kids #2

I am sitting here this evening after a long day of kids fighting, snow falling, running kids to schools, working, and I am glad to be done!

My kids feel for some reason that each time they come into the presence of each other that they need to find something to argue about. I thought I would be spared of the drama because they are 3 1/2 years apart, but I guess nobody is exempt. They argue about everything and anything. At times I am lucky and only get physical fights to break up but they always result in massive tears.

I can't help but wonder if I should laugh or cry at this moment because as I sit here typing I am not breaking up fights or being the referee to an argument. I am typing and looking at my two greatest creations sitting right next to each other arms around each other watching TV. It is the reminder needed at the end of a long day that I have everything I could have ever hoped to have. Ciaos or not it is mine!

Holiday thoughts

Happy Thanksgiving to all. I am thankful today for many reasons but one I am sure most of you will think is crazy. I am thankful for one year ago today that I found a lump that changed my life. The day before thanksgiving last year I was a normal mom, wife, and woman. I thought my life was great. I chauffeured kids, argued with them, and had what one would consider a 'typical life'. Then that day rolled around and all was changed. I have learned the most important lessons so far this year and for that, I am thankful.
I have learned in this last year how to see good in EVERY single thing that happens in life. I have learned that we are not here forever. I have learned that time stands still, drags on, and flies by all at the same time. I have learned that we as people are never satisfied with anything and always want what we don't have. I have learned that we all are connected with each other and sometimes the things we say can change lives forever. (If that is true then shouldn't we always act as if we are changing something everyday!) I also have learned that because our timeline is unclear we should make the most of each day and enjoy the journey. If we spend our whole lives worrying about the path we forget to enjoy the scenery. I have also learned that when you have no other choice you have to become a strong person. I think that the strongest people are not those who can take the most pain, but the one's who learn the most from it. If you learn something from every life experience aren't you then really living?
I am so blessed to have the most amazing family and friends that any person could ever ask for. I am also both blessed and thankful that I am able to have another day here on this earth. I know that life is constantly changing and we may never have again what we have today, but on this day let us give thanks for those who ARE here and think of the great memories of those who are not. Have happy holiday season.

Lucky Me

Last night as I was being told for the fifteenth time that day that "I am the best mom ever" I thought....I am the luckiest mom ever. I am sure every mom thinks that but they aren't writing on blogs, I am! That means I get to tell you why I am so lucky. :)

I feel as if I have been given a second chance. I know this may sound strange because I was not KNOCKING on deaths door or anything, but compared to life last year....let's just say, I know where the house is! So with this chance to redo I have learned some valuable lessons. Some of these lessons I have been given over and over and over and over and still can't get them right.

One of these lessons is patience. I am still not great at this, but oh how I have practiced. The newest lesson that I already knew but am not great at is, 'Things are just Things'! Oh boy did I practice this one this week. Let's start with my clothes. I have spilled more on myself than I have made in my mouth. I even managed to get mascara on my shirt?? How does one do that!? Then their is my kids clothes. The cute little outfits that poured my money into have rips, stains, and most recently MARKER! I apparently have a budding artist that simply cannot contain her creativity! Then there is my furniture. I have two super cute dogs, but one is a puppy...need I say more! My yard that was once a beautifully sodded oasis is now filled with holes. Maybe they are just helping me to get the swimming pool I wanted??? Then the couch that I also poured in many hard earned dollars....let's just say we had a snow storm of couch stuffing. (NOT ONCE but THREE times!!) Then to finish this great story off that budding young 3 year old artist found a marker yesterday. She felt that her brothers room was not decorated enough and helped out by making pictures on the walls, closet doors, lamp shade, and the furniture!

Today I want to thank God for helping me learn these valuable lessons in life and ask that he please let them stop now. I get the point! I will now patiently wait for these lessons to be over!!! :)

In all honesty, in the moment I was less than thrilled at these things. Now, I swear, I think it is pretty funny. Don't tell anyone...oops too late for that! Things really are just things at the end of the day. They won't keep you company, they won't cheer you up when you have had a bad day, and they won't tell you after doing all these things that "YOU ARE THE BESTEST MOM IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD". Lucky me!

Mammo fun

Oh mammograms how I love thee, let me count the ways.......

1. The thing they call a gown is really not a gown at all. It is more like a piece of bad fabric with one snap button at the top. (oh,that snap will help keep you covered)

2. The fact they even give you a "gown". This is a humorous concept too. There really is no need for modesty at this point is there. I mean they have seen one and will see the other in a few short squishes....

3. The squishing....need I say more. They are squished till it takes your breath and then they say, OK HOLD YOUR BREATH....TOO FUNNY!

4. The stickers. These are for scars, moles, and a few other spots :) These are actually more painful to pull off at the end than the squishing! That must be why they do it that way. Then when people say, "oh how was the mammogram?" They say, "GREAT" (pain is all relative right?)

5. After the "girls" have been through 2 kids, surgeries, and everything else they have been subjected to...what is a few painful squishes. After all they tried to kill me, so....this is least of their ways to make it up to me. (See therapy has helped me to forgive) They are lucky they are still here! I could have traded them in for a younger model....there is still time! :)

Thankful

Thanksgiving is coming up and I am filled with mixed emotions. Almost one year ago this journey began! I can't believe how crazy of a ride this last year was. I am going to be the most thankful person this year. I am thankful for the obvious (my family, a wonderful husband, and my great friends. I am also thankful for my health this year. I am thankful for the this year filled with change and growth. I am thankful that I am now able to help others the way that so many stepped in to help me.
Thanks to each of you who have cared for my family.

There is one more major thing to be thankful for today...a clean bill of health for 3 more months. Mammogram was good today and hopefully the MRI results will say the same in the next few days. It is hard to go in there without being anxious, but it is what it is! No matter what my future will hold I will be fine. I will fight and live thankful EVERY day for the rest of my life.

Keep trying

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
Winston Churchill

I really needed this one today. I keep thinking that I may not be doing the right thing. I dump all my time into this non profit and the return right now is lots of doors slamming in my face. I feel like myself and a handful of others are the only ones who care. I get like this when doors are shut in my face over and over. I think though that my husband is actually a smart guy (I know....) He told me last night that I should keep fighting for those who can't. I will not stop trying to bring awareness and resources for YOUNG women to this community. They don't know (or care) what it is like to be 30 years old in the prime of your youth and BOOM you have a disease that could KILL you! I think that if they could only feel that struggle they too would see these things are needed. I try not to take it personal because it is just what everything around here comes down to...MONEY! So if it's money they want...Money they will get! I will get this childcare for patients done if I have to build it MYSELF. I have failed over and over but I will not let these bumps in the road keep me from trying.

On another note, I am headed today to my DAY OF BEAUTY at the salon that I won as a prize. I get a hair cut and color (yes I finally have enough to cut!!! This is a big day to me!) I get a mani/pedi and a massage! I can't wait and the company will be great too. I love her she is fun!

Have a great day and KEEP TRYING no matter what!!!

Fighting Myself

I realize I have not been posting so much. I guess the therapy sessions with the whole world are winding down. Maybe I don't need therapy anymore??? I am so busy being a mom, holding a job, cleaning my house, and, oh yeah, running an up and coming non-profit organization. I think I ran myself in the ground doing too many things, and therefore was sick the entire week last week. I decided to allow myself some rest (still very hard for me) and I have to say, I do feel better. Physically anyway! :)

I am fighting a battle each and every day right now, with myself! I have beat cancer and come out of this thing changed. I mean, how could you not, right?! I want something so bad right now that it is the ONLY (no seriously) the ONLY thing I think about all day! You would think because I feel so strongly about this that all I would need to do is just do it right? Nope, I wish it were that simple. There are many other things involved that complicate this choice. Each and every decision we make in our lives leads us to where we are. I know in my heart it is the right thing to do, but...it is not that simple. This choice is in front of me every single day. It the first thing I think about, the last thing I think about, and the path I KNOW in my heart is right. Then why so hard? I wish I knew because then I could stop processing it here in "online therapy" and just be happy. One thing I did learn is that Life is WAY to short and I don't want to miss a second of it!

This weekend cancer took another person from this world. My heart breaks for the family and I think about how I was spared this fate. I know that I am here for a reason. I think I may even know what that reason is, but....how do you really know? How do you really know that you are meant to do something? Is it when that is all you can think about, talk about, and want to do? How can someone be so confident in their path, that they take risks just to get on it? Is that what faith really is? Jumping out towards that path, when you don't even know for sure it exists? Maybe? I wish I knew but I am just a person trying to process a difficult choice in front of the whole world! Maybe I need real therapy! :) At least I can laugh at this time of chaos. I will ALWAYS remember to laugh each day...it is the only way we stay sane!

The more I write the more I become convinced in my choice. Is this even a choice or is this just a lack of courage from me? In all my experiences so far when something just keeps falling in to place and working out for you....it's right! Guess I need to find that Tough Guy that I write about! Funny how you can write about things, tell others what they should do, but for some crazy reason you can't always take your own advice. I know what I would tell myself to do....do I have the guts????

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Sick

I've been sick this whole week and am wishing I could snap out of this thing. Lungs apparently are very important to your body and when they don't work...not good.
I hate being sick and try as much as humanly possible to ignore it when I am. This time however after pretending for three days that I was fine, I decided to go to the doctor. Respiratory infection...yuck. I like breathing so I decided to rest, drink water all day, and stay home. Mostly I did that, but it is hard for me to stop because if I don't do it...most of the time it won't get done. Oh well there is a time for everything.

I had a nice conversation the other day....

Me: "I feel like I am gonna die" (this is dramatic I know, but i just meant that I felt horrible)

Friend: "Really??" (laughter like crazy)

Me: "What?" (scrunched face wondering what was funny about that)

Friend: "Didn't you just beat cancer? That didn't take you so I don't think a cold will either." (laughing still)

Me: "Yeah but this is way worse" (laughing hysterically at my comment by this point)

Friend: (She thinks I am crazy) Shakes her head and keeps walking

It is all relative right? Sick is half mental and half actually being sick!
Today I am starting to feel better but still not great. I may try to rest today???

On another note, I am very thankful for my life today. I am still going rounds with a difficult choice, but I feel with a bit more time it will go my way! I am thankful for the people in my life that have helped me to get to where I am now and I am thankful that each of them know how much they mean to me. If I was not here tomorrow there would be no questions as to how I felt about all of them. Hug your kids, hug your parents, and tell those people that are important to you how you feel about them. Make it a day: Speak your heart day! If they were gone tomorrow would they know how you felt...give them a great gift and tell them!

Pinktober Recap

Well this community did not disappoint. The FBW PINKTOBER Fest last night was a huge success and so much fun. The place was packed, the band was great, and the costumes...they were too funny! I am sitting here today processing this great event and beaming with pride. I am so happy to be getting this non profit off to such an amazing start!

The community has such great resources for cancer patients but for those of us who are younger with this disease there are a few things that would make life easier. There are so many out there who are in need of help and I am so excited to finally start doing something about it!

Thank you to all who came to Pinktober fest and supported this organization. I am especially thankful to those who helped make this event even possible. I am the lucky one who gets the glory at the end, but this event would not have happened without each of these friends :)

Friends come and go but when you become a friend of the bald woman...your there for life! You are all amazing and I am so lucky to have you all in my corner....have a great day!

Let the good times roll

The time is here....the big FBW Halloween PINKTOBER FEST 2010!!!!! I am so excited for this event. It will be our second and with the success of our first event (the yard sale....on a rainy day) I am sure this will not disappoint for fun or fundraising! :) I am too funny!

I love this quote of the day because it is perfectly fitting for today!

The art of life is to know how to enjoy a little and to endure very much.
William Hazlitt

Let the good times roll! Right?

On the Bald Woman front, I am struggling right now with some difficult decisions in my current life. I feel as if I am at another chapter change of my book of life and I don't know exactly which direction I would or even should go....I have had these moments in my life before and always felt a clear path was laid out. This time I think I know what I need to do, but there is much risk and uncertainty in this choice. I can endure lots of pain, disappointments, and heartaches but now I want to enjoy a little! Only time will tell and I hope my decision is the right one, but really...there is no right or wrong choice just different paths. Sometimes we take the long way around but we always get where we need to be! Why not enjoy the trail instead of worrying if it is the right one???

Amazement

Success is doing ordinary things extraordinarily well.
Jim Rohn

What a perfect quote for today!

Wow! I am so amazed this morning. We had our first event yesterday, the garage sale. Despite the location change and the rain forecast it miraculously held up and was mostly dry and busy ALL DAY. It beat even my highest expectations that I had! I have been working around the clock with my job, my family, and the FBW stuff. I have been speaking all over the community, teaching extra classes this month, and attempting to maintain my house too! :) It has been a long month for me, but yesterday to see the support of a community really made all my craziness worth it! There were people who came and just did the "garage sale" but there were some that came and went above and beyond and shared their stories too! That is the part I really love. My hope is that this will only get bigger. To have your opening event be so huge and the weather trying to ruin that really shows me that just as in my battle with cancer, I WILL DO THIS AND I WILL DO IT WELL!

Thank you for the support yesterday. Thank you to all who made donations (some even came in by the truckloads). Thank you to my favorite people in the world (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) for helping me yesterday and keeping up some humor throughout the day! :) I am thrilled that we can finally start doing something to help! Stay tuned!

When do I get a vacation?? How long till summer? :)

Spiderwebs

We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men.
Herman Melville


We are all connected aren't we. We are each unique individuals that are intricately connected to each other. It still amazes me when I see this first hand. There are people I have met and become friends with, and had I not become friends with them the whole next series of events would not be the same. I would not have my kids, my husband, and many other things that I hold so dear right now. I have figured out that more I understand how this works, the less I really understand! I know this sounds like I am having another one of my "mental moments", but it is true. I just seem to get a hold on things and then....I am right back where I started. Maybe, we are not meant to understand??

Life is busy post-cancer just as it was pre-cancer (and even during cancer)! I think I am crazy some days for taking on so many things, but I know in my heart what I am trying to do is right. I was a 30 year old with cancer and many times I STILL feel as if I am the only cancer patient under 40! I know there are more out there and my hope is that they will find ME! Enough talks, website plugs, or exposure on the radio...they WILL find ME!

To all the people who have come and gone through my life, THANK YOU!


oh yeah....biggest news ever yesterday! Genetic results are in.......NEGATIVE ON ALL COUNTS!!!! (That means I do not have a genetic reason to have had cancer but better yet, MY KIDS do not either!)
That being said....I guess I was just LUCKY!!!!

Weekend winners

Winning is not everything, but wanting to win is.
Vince Lombardi

Well I must be wanting to win pretty bad these days because I just can't stop winning! First I won the "Day of Beauty" prize from the Cancer Center's breakfast, then we won at Bingo night (well my daughter did), then we won $10 on a scratch ticket (well my husband did), and then to top it all off I won the bid on the silent auction prize I really wanted. I won a private plane ride over the city with 2 other people. Awesome huh....I could have bid on the great baskets and stuff, but this is memories we are talking about here!

The In Step with Hope Tea was Saturday. I was one of their speakers. It was such a wonderful event. It had an amazing breakfast, mimosas, silent auction, and fashion show. Oh yeah and a great speaker...ME! (Just kidding) I decided at this event I would give myself another challenge. I keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone just to see what happens. I know, I am kind of insane. I guess I feel like I can do anything these days and I just want to keep testing out that theory. At the very first event I sang my version of "I will survive". This event however, I decided that I would push the envelope again and sing. I sang one of the most meaningful songs for my life at this time. It is a Sugarland song that talks about Standing back up. I love to sing, but in public is a whole new ball game. I finished my mimosas and just got up and did it! There was certainly fear in my voice but my hope is that people saw past that and listened to my words. Each and every one of them rang so true for me. No matter what knocks us down we have to just stand back up! After the singing part, the rest was easy! I even received a standing ovation??Crazy huh, never had that before. (maybe I should add it to my bucket list and then just check it off!) :)

I have one more speaking event this Wednesday for the Relay for Life kick off. I am excited to keep doing all of these great events. It really is fun! I guess I am just loving the spotlight! :) Now if only my national speaking career (yes career means paid :) not just for fun) would only take off. Maybe that is how I will travel the world and see all these places on my bucket list!

Friends of the Bald Woman is rolling along nicely. We have a yard sale coming up this weekend. I am hopeful that it will be a success. We are also having PINKTOBER FEST, a big Halloween costume party, to raise funds for us too! Our wristbands are on the way and the rest is falling into line quite nicely!

I have so much to be thankful for each and every day! I am so thankful that everything just seems to fall into place! Time will tell the directions we will go, but I am certain that I will enjoy the ride along the way!

HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!

Goals

Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there.
Bo Jackson

I am so glad this is the quote of the day. For those of you who talked to me yesterday, Thank U! I was having a BAD day and I appreciate all of your words of support to help remind me of what I need to be doing. Some days are just like that and oh boy when it rained, it poured.

Last night after a long day working, doing Friends of the Bald Woman stuff, and running my daughter to dance class I tried really hard to think of something that had gone right. It was actually really hard because yesterday was one of those days where everything seemed to be going all wrong. Today I am looking back wondering if it was all going wrong or I just could not get my perception of things straight. I think it was my perception. The events of yesterday were nothing I haven't dealt with a million times before, but typically I would just brush them aside and move forward. Yesterday...No such luck! It feels as if on those days that the reason for having just one bad thing after another is because that is all you are looking at!

Finally by 8:00 last night I picked out a wonderful thing that happened and only focused on that. For those who do not know, a wonderful radio personality here recorded a PSA for us at Friends of the Bald Woman yesterday afternoon. An hour or so later I was headed home from work and caught the tail end of the ad! What a great way to get our name out there! I was thrilled.

The last few days I have been doubting quite a bit what I am trying to do. I want to help people that have cancer because I KNOW how much these things are needed here in this community. I struggle because I have to now convince a world of this during "Awareness" month. You would think this would be easy, but it is more difficult than I thought. Why don't people understand that 1 out of every 8 women will end up with breast cancer and 8 out of 9 of them HAVE NO FAMILY HISTORY! If you got cancer wouldn't you want support, help, caring people checking in on you, and knowing that you are not the only 30 year old in the town with cancer (sorry that was my issue).

The quote today says set your goals high and don't stop till you are there and that my friends, is what I intend to do!

Awareness or HELP

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossible before they were done.
Louis D. Brandeis

I raising more than awareness this month folks. I will help these women fight this fight! I realize that people don't just go out start a non profit on somewhat of a whim, but I...am not people! I am a cancer survivor and I believe that now I can do just about anything I feel like! :)

I will do the impossible and change attitudes or I will die trying!

Today I am thankful for being here another day to fight this stupid disease. (or to help others to fight it). We will be raising money to not just create awareness but actually help those who are diagnosed each and every day! Feel lucky it is not you yet, but nobody is exempt from this thing and I am LIVING proof of that. If this happened to you would you want awareness or HELP! Friends of the Bald woman is going to be that HELP so join us!

Have a "magical day" (that is what they say at Disney World and it just doesn't work as well unless you are there!

Just another day

The screams of kids fighting in the morning make a day start out great! I have two "always right" kind of kids so it makes for some great arguments! They are always so important too, like I am going to school today, NO your not, yes I am, no your not! (get the drift) They argue pretty much every time they are together. I can only imagine what the teen years will hold....can't wait. New thing started today that is too funny. My son decided when I told him no he would say why. (that is not the new part) As I am answering him he covers his ears????? What is this? Didn't he just ask me why?

Does it seem insane of me to want to be here with them more than I am??? I am starting to think so.

I had a genetic test done the other day and I am still waiting for the results. I hope that they are negative because then my risk for certain cancers is pretty much the same as the general public if it's negative. (I kind of feel like no matter what my risk is 50/50. You either get it...or you don't!)

FBW wristbands are on their way. We will sell them for $2. I am working on the t-shirts too. We are having a yard sale on the 23rd and we are doing a FBW calendar and looking for chemo patients to be the stars of this project. I am also planning a Bald Woman Costume Party for Halloween. I realize it sounds like a lot to do and it is, but it needs to be done. I am ready to start helping people. If we have no money then we can't help anyone. I hope that this is successful and I wouldn't have dumped so much of my own money in if I didn't believe in it. We will organize the group for young cancer patients, we will help patients get food, house cleaning, wigs, and even the genetic testing that often is not covered by insurance. We will also raise awareness and hopefully change a few stereotypes along the way. This is all happening while holding a part time job(25hrs a week), being a mom to a 3 and 6 year old, and somehow having a life too. It may take me longer than I would like, but I will do it. That is a fact!

Don't be afraid to take a risk, to go after what you want even if seems impossible. There is nothing that can't be done. You just have to know what you want. I think I finally do!

Like a Cheesestick?

Today I am so grateful for my kids. They are so wonderful and pretty funny. They must get it from me huh!?
Miley, who is 3, and I were rocking out in the car to one of my current favorite songs. We were singing and dancing to Like a G6. When the song ended however she kept going independently. She starts moving from side to side with the most serious expression and says, "Like a cheese stick, like a like a cheese stick" I have been laughing all morning. Too funny. Maybe I should have fed her lunch before we went out?

Always learning

Don't go through life, grow through life.
Eric Butterworth

This is appropriate for today! Speaking gig #2 (the high school) went....well, it went. I have never seen such a quiet room of high school students. Am I losing my touch here? My great friend Letty taped it and I watched it back. It was not as bad as it felt up there, but boy when did I age like a generation!? Apparently I did. When did this happen? I am going to try and not beat myself up about it too much today because we have to learn and grow right. I was pleased to see so many students up so early in the morning to be supporting such a worthy cause! I am thankful for the opportunity and for the realization that we are as young as I feel. That being said I think I will stick to survivors and groups who get my "cancer can be funny" kind of humor. I think you can find humor in everything but some maybe just don't understand why I am making light of such a serious thing. It is not that I don't think it is serious (believe me and read my old posts if you don't believe me), but I just wanted them and anyone else to see a different view. We all know the crappy side of cancer. Let's do our best to look something good or find humor where there is little. Positivity will take you far!

Oh well, live and learn, right? Thanks to the High School for letting me come and share a different side of the coin! I hope the Pink Week is extremely successful!

Do things happen for reasons?

They say things happen for a reason. Today I struggle with this more than before. I thought my life was going to take a turn in a certain direction. It did not.
I now am trying to analyze (or maybe over analyze i am good at that too) what I really want. If I get real with myself I know what it is. I just don't know how to get there. I believe that today is definitely one of those moments that not getting what you wanted may be the best thing that has ever happened, but only time will tell.

Here is what I do know....

I want to be with my kids every second I can. Life is so short and so is our time with them. I want to be a mom first and everything else can take a number.

I love laughing. It makes the world a better place and we need to do it EVERYDAY!

I want to help as many people as humanly possible. I want women of all ages, shapes, sizes, hair type to know and BELIEVE they are beautiful for who they are as a person.

I want to leave a mark here on this earth. I want to leave something that is lasting and permanent.

I want to be thankful for at least one thing each and everyday.

I want to change lives!


So now I have all this great knowledge of what I want to do, NOW WHAT?
The rest as they say "is still unwritten"............

The Unknown

I don't know what is on the road ahead
I keep going towards the unknown
Been feeling lost and confused
Wondering what it is that I will be shown

I am doing what I think is right
who knows now because it's all a mess
Each time I think I get it
In my head I seem to second guess

I have been on a journey of a million miles
and that path was always winding
I went and went towards what I didn't know
without a doubt or even minding

I feel I climbed a mountain
and made it to see the top
Words can't describe the view up there
so I just begin... and then I stop

They will never know till their lives
take them to this place
I hope for them they get there soon
and see the world's beauty and grace.

So for now I just move forward
toward that unknown place
I see the world with different eyes
but walk with the same smile upon my face.

Friends for Newbies

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
Dale Carnegie

I love this one. It is so attitude based isn't it? I am so blessed to have both of these. I have what I want and want what I have!! Here is my newest idea.....

The Friends of the Bald Woman is going to begin a group. Many of you who heard me speak the other night heard me say, we are in an "Exclusive Club" that nobody wants to join! Now that we are in it and don't have a choice, we can embrace it, right?

We are going to start linking newly diagnosed cancer patients with those of us who have "been there done that". My plan is to create a database of survivors and "newbies" (which I have already done). Then I will enter those who are interested on either side and link them up with a "Friend". The Friends will send cards, give phone calls every now and then, and if they are local to each other meet up possibly. I think there is great power in having a friend you can call that knows where your at and what you have been through. After all the "Newbies" are just waiting to become "Survivors" right?
If you know a new cancer patient or are one let me know. Same for you "old hats" please let me know if you want to be involved in this project! This is for ALL cancers and for men and women! Heck we could even link it up with children and their families! The possibilities are endless!

Spread the word....

Why having cancer is like being in High Shcool.......

Why having cancer is like being in High School.......


Dinners are made by other people and all you have to do is eat it!

House is cleaned by someone else (but there is no nagging to do it when you have cancer)

You lay around the house watching TV all afternoon because....YOU CAN

People are constantly calling and "checking in" on you

Friends come and go but just like high school the one's that matter stick with you no matter what

In high school my dad used to always say nothing good happens after midnight, with cancer....same is true...Nothing good happens to you after midnight!

In high school you worry about getting into groups or cliques when you have cancer...you worry about getting out of the "Club"

Being the Homecoming Queen was quickly replaced with being the current reigning Chemo Princess

In high school I had the memory of a blonde, now I have NO memory.

Instead of worrying about Bad Hair Days you worry about NO hair days!

Getting back up

If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.
H. G. Wells

Oh boy this one is good today. Bruised or not we dust off and get back up again. sometimes we are exhausted and don't want to keep trying. What makes us get up one time or one hundred times? What is it in each of us that says to keep going or quit? In my fight there were a billion times that I thought (in my head) that I was done. I was just going to quit.
I know more times than not I gloss over that sucky part of having cancer. The reason I do that is because the world knows all about that part. The part where you are sitting there unable to move off the couch, the times you are sicker than a long night's hangover, and pains like one will never know. Yes, everyone knows cancer sucks. You lose your hair, sometimes pride, and even some modesty. Everyone knows the horrible stories that are shared of bad doctors, medicines that have negative side effects, and even the lives that this stupid disease proclaims daily. WE KNOW this....Why do we need to focus on that part. Cancer brings people together, cancer brings new perspectives (usually for the better), and cancer brings chances over and over to practice "getting back up"! Cancer brings cool T shirts, house cleaning, and even better food! :) Why don't we relish in these things instead of pining over what it takes from us.... I am just a young kid though, right. What do I know? I am 30 year old mother of two that had a job, kids to LIVE for, and something to prove. Many people out there don't know me, but if they did I (think) they would see that I really try to live my life this way. I want to make a dent on this planet and if I can change a few perspectives along the way....wonderful. Those that don't...I am sorry now for all the pain and suffering that you will endure in your lifetime. We all will have that over and over (it is called life).....but how you choose to deal with it....that is what makes us!
When you have climbed a really big mountain and try to explain what you have seen it will never sound as wonderful as actually being there experiencing it. Each of us has to climb our own mountains and see....my hope is that you don't use your whole life to get to the top!

Do we hate change?

The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress.
Charles Kettering

It seems as if the only thing that is constant is change??? I have obviously been through tremendous change in the last year but really at many points in my life I have been forever changed. I think it has made me a better person for each one of them.

I am in the midst of change right now. I am trying to develop a new normal now after having gone through such a tiring fight. I never once wanted to give up (I don't think....I may need to go back and read what I wrote in like March huh!?) but there were definitely those days that were more of a challenge to get through. I fought each and every day to live to see the next. Thinking about it that way seems way more dramatic than I felt actually doing it. Sometimes I wonder why people seem to think I did such an "amazing thing" or why they think I am "sooo strong". I am serious. I guess I just felt that I did what needed to be done and tried to look at the good....Is that amazing???? Maybe? I am not trying to downplay those comments or not appreciate them....It just seems as if people do this everyday you know! Now you know I LOVE the attention....so go ahead and keep them coming! I am just thinking out loud I guess!

Now that the fight is over, each day I am blessed to open my eyes feels like it should be having a bit more meaning....I am still here...why, obviously I have some mission or purpose. I am not trying to complain that I am still here but more trying to figure out the why so I can get to doing it. When I addressed that crowd the other night it felt amazing (well after it was done). I don't really remember doing it...it was like I went to auto pilot! :) When it was over there was a great response from people I knew and didn't know. My hope is that they weren't just saying nice things to be kind but that I really was able to change lives or ways of thinking. That is really what I feel I need to be doing. I guess that can be done in any setting, but it was especially gratifying to do it in such a dramatic BW fashion! I told you before the BW is much braver than I am, much more courageous, and much more "with it"! I got to incorporate everything I love music, talking, and attempting to be funny!

I know most wouldn't agree but I really think that having HAD cancer (PAST TENSE) changed me for the better. I am grateful that I got to have this chance to be that change I have been waiting to see!!!! This great change that I once hated has brought me the most progress yet?? Maybe we should not spend so much energy HATING the change rather than just being thankful for what is important. (Those things don't ever change). Establishing that makes life much more meaningful (which is great progress). Guess that guy knows what he is talking about huh???

Kiss Cancer Goodbye

Wow! What an event last night. I went to the Kiss Cancer Goodbye event last night and had my speaking debut. The event was so well put together and came off with a bang! I had a dozen of my closest friends and family standing there supporting me and we had a great time.

The speech went pretty well. I decided to cross off #4 on the "list of things to do before my time expires" which was sing in public. I was soooo nervous it was ridiculous. Nothing a sip of champagne won't cure right!!? I got up there and did my spiel and hopefully made a few people laugh and think differently about cancer patients and survivors! The speech ended with what was supposed to be my choreographed dance number.....but the stage was not big enough. I decided to put on the beautiful mullet with my bandanna and rock out to I'm a Survivor by Destiny's Child. It was memorable for sure!! :)

I think the thing that was the best for me however was after I finished. The response from people I knew and people I didn't know. They told me about their struggles, triumphs, and humorous stories too! What it really showed me is that we are all people.....we all struggle, we all have triumphs, and we all need humor! I was honored to be the one up there sharing in that victory that each survivor in the room was feeling! My goal was to open eyes to laughter even in times that are scary and I hope that is what I was able to accomplish up there.

What a great night! Thanks to all who came!

Let Susy Sunshine Through...Please

I love love love this quote. It goes so much with what I believe right now and my current view of life (minus a few bum days)

Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.
Lou Holtz

If only we could all be so lucky as to really know what this means. It is much more freeing to live like that. I will have to say even my Susy sunshine attitude is tested....read yesterday's post if you don't believe me. I am hoping it is just these fabulous meds that they give me. Mood altering and all I will quit them if it takes that positive attitude away. I would rather have cancer again then go back to the negative, woa is me, and everything is wrong kind of life. I will chat with the doc next week and see if these mood swings are a side effect or if I am just having an off day/week! Lets hope for the latter. We welcomed a new puppy into our home last week also (maybe potty training,chewing, and just being a puppy are making me have this mini crazy moment)

Oh well, Today is so far so good. Lets ride these moods like a roller coaster! I am getting really excited to speak at the Kiss Cancer Goodbye event on Wednesday. I have a little something prepared...let's see if my nerves of steel will cooperate with my idea! Very busy these days trying to get the Friends of the Bald Woman up off the ground. I think time will tell....I will do my best to keep this thing going and the ideas are rolling in my head. In my experience, when something just starts falling together so easily...let it! It is probably going to be a good thing. Will have our first meeting after this event next week. I am hoping to bring the pink toilet to the event to maybe get some sign ups for businesses to host it.

The sun is shining and hopefully Susy will be pushing through today. (This really makes me sound like I have multiple personalities doesn't it????)

Caios

My life feels as if it is in a huge snowball rolling down a hill. It is going faster and faster and I am stuck in the middle gettting more and more buried in it. I am praying for a road block to just let it stop for a minute so I can see where the heck I am. I am feeling like I don't know who I am anymore. I have so many responsiblities and I am pulled in 100 different directions everyday! My question is nothing has changed (except me) and I have less to deal with now than before, so why?
I am still processing that thought. You would think one would be over the moon and thankful every second of each day that they are cancer free. I am and I do, but I still have these moments where I get pissed off that I even have had to deal with this. Why? It is over!
From what I have read and talked with others I know this is normal, but for a few days I have really felt like Susy Sunshine (my normal persona) is gone and Negative Nelly is all I am left with. I feel better when I laugh, but haven't been laughing much lately. Need that back again for sure. I had to quit the gym which was the only thing keeping me sane (my running and training).Additionally, fall is in full swing and I am so wrapped up in working and slowly heading right back down the path of losing what made this journey so memorable. I set out to be the "best cancer patient" there was and to break the "sterotypes" that people have of cancer patients. Now....I guess I am just left with me again. I want to help others and really have passion for that but it is so quickly getting snowballed and pretty soon I will be at the bottom of the mountain with too much around me to get out!
I realize this is not in true bald woman fashion, but today I felt it was important to share this because I am just like everyone else with ups and downs. My famous quote that I made up is "Life has ups and downs but it is how we choose to deal with them that makes us who we are."
I should take my own advice from time to time!! :)
Feeling better allready I guess.

Ironically here is the quote of the day today,
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
Michael Jordan

I guess we can all persevere over whatever we are going through and the positive mind that I have is just being tested right now. I have more power than I realize over my current status and the sooner I can come to the realization of that....the sooner I can enjoy what I really am wanting to do!!!! Watch out world because I have somehow just given myself a pep talk while I was writing and now I am ready to be the change I wish to see!!!!!

Make the difference

Quote of the Day
It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference.
Tom Brokaw

Oh this could not be more fitting to my current life!!! I am struggling to find balance right now. Balance between my work and home, balance between my financial security and my passion, and just simply create a new "normal". I never dreamed it would be so difficult. Maybe I am having a Pre-Mid-Life Crisis??? :)

I guess we never know if we are making a difference untill after we have made it. Does that mean that EVERYTHING we do should be with that purpose in mind???

Back to Reality

Well here is an update on the busy "back to reality" bald woman. I went to the Oncologist on Tuesday and got my Tamoxifen that I will now be taking daily for the next 5 years. I guess when I am taking meds or pumping crap or zapping this stuff is when I actually feel protected. She and I talked and I have a 17% chance of the cancer returning. Pretty great odds you might say....to me honestly...it is all 50/50. I like to think that it will never return but I will not spend my life worrying if it will because that ultimately means Cancer won the fight. If you live your life in fear of cancer you are not really living and it has won! I will think of it from time to time and then let it pass. I will continue to make each day count and let the people around me know how much I care.
I will help others and the slow start of the Friends of the Bald Woman will not stop me from doing something that NEEDS to be done. We have way too many people that have cancer and too many need help. I will help these people no matter what. I want to help some local people, help our local cancer center, and then even allot some to big time groups. We are all doing the same thing, but my goal is to take care of people here first. I have some promising leads of really big contacts but it is becoming a lot harder to do this and work and be mom and house cleaner and....whatever else.
We will have our first meeting soon to get things rolling.

Big news: I have been thinking lots about what I would most love to do with life. I really wish writing was my full time job because I really love doing this now. I also would love to talk...I know big shocker those who know me...me, talking???? I have been given the opportunity to speak at the KISS CANCER GOODBYE EVENT (they have a facebook page, check them out) I can't tell you how excited and nervous I am for this. You give me a mic and....let's just say they will probably need a hook. I am hoping to get a few more of these and maybe my speaking career will take off. :) Who knows the directions we will travel but we will be fine as long as we enjoy the ride and check out the scenery along the way!! Those in WA should come check it out...I will try to sneak in a few unexpected surprises!!
Reality is what YOU make it so if this is really what I want....YOU WILL see me on some talk show one day. Get on board now before I become famous and don't have time to meet you anymore :) I love dreams!!!!

Pray for peace

Sorry but today brings a more sobering post. Two families from my hometown have just received the most devastating news that their loved ones have passed on. Although I was not close with either, I feel their pain like it was my own. One family lost a friend, son, and father at way too young of an age. The other lost their 2 year old child to cancer. I can barely keep tears from eyes just to write about this today. I realize that we all have a plan and that when our time is up we are the one's in a better place, but it seems so unfair. As someone who has had cancer thinking about a little girl at 2 years old dealing with this....why is all I can come up with. I have a 3 year old and I can not even imagine the pain that these parents must be dealing with. I am 100% she is in a better place looking down at them but prayers today go with the parents and families of these two people. I am so sorry for each of these families losses and I pray for them just as if it was my own family. I read a blog that the mom started and the facebook page of the other and so many posts about the wonderful things that they had done. I was glad to see so many that knew them and some that didn't sharing prayers with each of these families. My prayer today is for peace for the families and the knowledge that their loved ones have changed lives around them whether we knew them well or not. It will definitely make me continue to live each and every day that I am blessed to wake up and be here like it is my last, hug my kids more than my 1000 times I already do a day, and tell each and everyone around me how they have changed my life for the better.
RIP Mackenzie Brownlee
RIP Josh McCandless
Peace be with you and your families.

Back to the Grind

Well my son is officially a first grader today and I am officially another year older (as of yesterday). What a crazy 30th year I had. I expected it to be painful to turn 30 but that.....woah! 31 will be much better. As for my son, all day at school with lunch and 2 recesses....life is good for us today!

Life just has that way of going on doesn't it? Wether you want it to or not the days keep rolling. I am having an especially hard time returning to work this year. The worst part is I really love my job, but I love my kids much more. I figured by the end of summer I would be ready (like I was last year) to return to my part time job. Nope no luck. I have said many times before, I feel like a different person dropped off in my old life and trying to make the two match up again...it's harder than I thought. Believe it or not I miss the fighting, the constant taxi cab that I drove, and worrying about what to make for dinner. I hate that I am not there. I have figured out the best scenerio that I can for my hours (which are pretty flexible) and I am hoping that I will get over this as we move into the new year. Change is still hard for anyone, even someone who has been through a billion of them the last year.

I will stick to my motto of "Keep moving forward" and be hopefull that something big is waiting for me just around the corner. I will never get to the corner if I don't keep moving right....I feel it is close, but time will tell. Have a great first day back!!! (unless you never stopped) :)

I'M BAAAAACK!!!!!!!!

Did you miss me???

The vacation was AMAZING! It will be hard to give you the highlights because all of it truely was great....but it true BW fashion I will break it down to our highlights!

1. The Drive: Ok, so I knew we were going far...I wanted to go just a bit further than we would normally go...well...let's just say it was about 10 HOURS door to door! Wait wait wait...this includes stopping, the countless potty breaks for our children (all 5 of which ranged from 15 months to 8). To top that fabulous drive off our DVD player broke on the last trip! We attempted to buy another but the one we wanted....SOLD OUT. What do you do??? To my great amazement (which always seems to happen with these kids)they...were fine. Oh what did we do before DVD??? I will tell you....read, sleep, play, talk, and FIGHT! And that....is what they did for a whopping total of 20 HOURS!

2. The Rental Home: WOW! I knew this house would be amazing...that is why I chose it. Pictures do not do justice to the craftsmanship and uniqueness that went into building this home. There were fossils in the wall, trees growing through the house, and everything was eco friendly. The setting couldn't have been more perfect with a creek for a backyard, firepit for roasting, sauna for relaxing, and hammock to lay around in all day. We had the street lined with fresh blackberries we could pick and eat each day...wow! Now that all being said....here is the humor.... ok we get there to our 3 bedroom home for our 3 families and the 2 upstairs are amazing...beds hang from the ceiling and really cool. The house talks of the loft with a king bed, double bed, and futon....all true TECHNICALLY! The "LOFT" is mattresses on the floor in the top of each bedroom with a head clearance of 3 feet (maybe). You go in each room and climb a tree to get to it and then IF and only IF you can get up there you are right in the bedroom of your friend or family....Well you might say...hey I thought there was a 3rd bedroom you should just take that....We did but it also doubled as our only room to watch TV! We pulled a mattress out of the loft brought it down and 2 of our family slept on the floor and 2 on the wonderful Couch/Fouton! Oh the memories we make!

3. The Drive to the Home: This is actually a separate highlight. The drive was just reffering to the time to get to Coos Bay....the home wasn't exactly in Coos Bay per say... We drove for 45 minutes on a dirt road past ALL civilization, STORES, and CELL SERVICE! We decided before we left to bring the "dry goods" with us and then hit the store to get the stuff that couldn't make the drive. Well, we did not anticipate our lack of desire to return to town after the 45 minute drive on narrow gravel road at 20 mph.....so our "First Feast" was cheese sticks, yogurt, snack crackers and the adults ate salami and cheese sandwiches on the half of loaf of bread we had....ahhh the memories made!

4. The Waterfalls: This was amazing...there were several trails you could take to hike. We took them all. My favorite however was the last one on the last day...We hiked to 5200 feet to the top of the waterfall we had been looking at. it really reminded me of what I have been doing this last 6 months..The road was long, at times hard (especially carrying a 2 year old), and we were often unsure....but when we reached the top.....that is when it became worth it all! The pictures once again will not show the beauty that I saw that day and the feeling I had looking at those two mountains that I just climbed. It was so inspiring to me and hope to everyone else that was with us!

5. The Change: Another wonderful highlight for me was watching our video game and tv junkie children discover the "playground" they were living in. They went from not really knowing what to do outside to never being in. They created games, discovered nature (slugs, snakes, and crayfish), and were in the creek exploring. This transformation was priceless!

6. "ROD" Survivor Man: OMG...this was by far the funniest....My husband transformed into a survivalist on this trip along with the other guys. BUT my husband had a headband (the bandana) and a Stick that he was trying to carve with his fillet knife (because I failed to buy him a "Big Rambo Sized Knife" when I went to the store the first day...oh yeah it was Safeway by the way) This turned into a nickname that was origianlly for his stick but now his name...ROD SURVIVIOR MAN!!

Well there are a million other funny and priceless memories that I could have shared but these by far are the highlights....
It was a privilage to go on such a great vacation with my sister and fam and my best friends and fam. I had a great time and I look forward to making some more crazy memories on our next trip. I don't know, however, if any of them will allow ME to choose our destination agaian??????? Have a Memorable day everyone!

Got Cancer??

NOPE!!!!

As I am sure you could imagine this is my focus for the next few days. I will apologize now for going on about it, but so much of my life has been wrapped up in cancer that now I have to celebrate and then move on. Bigger and better things are waiting for me right around the corner. This is actually the time when it is hitting me the most (what I just endured). I think that being a survivor is great, wonderful in fact, but it is difficult to explain. I feel like a different person dumped back into my old life. I just have to re-prioritize things again and undoubtedly I view things differently. Anyone remember Office Space after he gets hypnotized???? :)
Here is the other funny part, I am not scared anymore of things. I guess it's because you have just pumped crap in your body, brushed closer to death than most, and you see your strength in action! I don't mean I want to go take crazy risks or anything like that, just not going to live life afraid to do what I want! I want to have a life full of memories to share and to leave all those around me long after I go. I am not afraid to try new things or to follow what my heart is telling me is right! NO FEAR!!!(They really should bring those shirts back!! Just kidding)

The biggest change I have seen happen is the more positive I have become in my life the more things have gone well. Attitude is everything. We are going on a nice, well deserved, and relaxing vacation on Saturday....can't wait. I am so thankful for having had cancer (OK chill out) Here is why....I have an opportunity to do what I have always wanted to do help people. What an honor. The lessons that I have now can help change a large portion of my life not just the last few years. Lastly, I am truly happier right now believe it or not!

Have a wonderful day...check out the George Strait song called "The Breaths You Take" ....really good song to help everyone remember what is important in life!!!!(I may have posted this one before, but chemo brain has got me down at the moment still)

Great quote today too.....

He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.
Muhammad Ali

A Survivor Today

Today is the day I have been waiting for
it is the one in which I say I have cancer no more

I have had pain, tears, and moments of doubt
been pushed, beaten, and done without

I have had great joy, laughter, and moments love
seen peace and happiness sent from above

I have learned to let life come as it is but never give up
keep your head high and look at the half full cup

Strength is what you get when you have no other choice
It's when you rise to the top and become the one with the voice

I am so happy today the doctors are gone
With a new outlook I will continue to be strong

I hope, I pray, and I live life this way
I am a CANCER SURVIVOR TODAY!

PInk Party

Well the PINK PARTY was great. I had a chance to thank everyone who supported me throughout this journey! I had a great time and love every second of so many guys that never would wear pink...wearing pink. I showed off the pink toilet and even raised the Friends of the Bald Woman's first bank entry!!! The best part was seeing so many wonderful people come together and be so positive about something so.... fill in your own word there! We had pink drinks, pink food, and pink stuff everywhere. It was so fun you better save your shirts because I am going to do it again as an annual party. Friends of the Bald Woman has a scrapbook of anyone that donates and wants their picture in the book. The "Friends Flushing" will travel with the toilet. We may even put it on lawns and have people pay to get it off the yard!! Big plans ahead...the traveling toilet, the MOM PROM, breast cancer month is coming up too, and of course planning the next pink party (that will be held somewhere larger). Let's hope for a great first year!

Thank you again to each and every one of you who helped this journey to be more bearable. I know you will never know the difference you have made on my life but I am changed forever. It is your love and support that helped me and has now driven me to show that same feeling to as many others as possible. Nobody should have to do this alone!
Have a Pink-a-licious day!!!

49, by the way, is how many times I went and had some form of poison given to me to get better. If win after that...your never gonna take me out!

Scarred

I am scarred from head to toe
some of which nobody will know

I've been beaten and tossed about
so low you couldn't hear me shout

I have climbed a mountain that was so high
pushed and pushed to touch that sky

I am at the top with the most amazing view
looking out at a beauty that is true

I have changed on this monumental climb
My soul now is ready to shine

Share with all this great glory
and give them all a wonderful story

I am scarred still from head to toe
but I have more than you'll ever know

Insurance

Here is the dilemma of the day. Is it better to have 2 insurances just in case (but have none of your paycheck) OR have 1 good insurance and pay your co pays as needed (but keep a LOT more of your money each month)????
Remember I HAVE HAD CANCER!!! I have now seen the benefits of multiple insurances!!! When it costs anywhere from 20,000 plus for items on your insurance claims you start to think of this much more!!! I wish I knew if this was gone forever!!! Where is a good old blood test when you need it!?

FBW

Friends of the Bald Woman (FBW) is coming along nicely....We will be having our first mini-event at my PINK PARTY on Saturday. I am going to bring out the pink toilet and see what happens. I have a book for all those that want their picture taken on the pink toilet. There will be a donation fee for the pic and hopefully Friends of the Bald Woman will be rolling! The master business app is in and paid for so now we wait again! Why is my life so full of hurry hurry hurry and WAIT WAIT WAIT!?

Next plans, fill out the Charitable org and then have our first board meeting. We need a website. I have friends of the bald woman bracelets that I will sell and the little plaques too. We will have fundraisers throughout the year and I can't wait to get some media coverage on this pink toilet...thanks Sasha for your great idea :)
Once the money starts to come in we can start collaborating with house cleaners and food places to actually start helping people! Watch out world here we come! Anyone friends with Oprah??? Elen??? anyone famous??? :)

have a great day and smile at 15 people today!!!!

Back to work today

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
Carl Sagan

Are you the something? Maybe it is the Friends of the Bald Woman???
I hope so. I have invested some of my own money in this business and I really want to see it work. I am filling out the last two sets of registrations (there are 3 places in which you have to pay and register....wouldn't it be easier with just one?) then the tax exemption...this is the one I am worried about. It appears to be more money than I have to pay for. If that is the case....there may be no Friends of the Bald Woman?? That would break my heart, but I have to pay my bills and feed my kids first. I am hoping to figure this out very soon.

On a lighter note... I ran 4.5 miles yesterday with increased speed and what felt effortless again! I am so happy about this. It was the first run in a year that has felt so...healthy! I have 7 more zaps or "tanning sessions" and I am a free woman. Pink party is in less than one week and I am very excited to have everyone together to thank!

Better run now. I am back to work today and the summer of fun is officially drawing to a close. I do have one vacation planned before school officially starts, but I am going to be working every other day till then. I love my job. I really don't mind working, but I think today that it is that changing routines again that bugs me. I will get back in a new swing, but summer...It just went too fast and I didn't get to really enjoy all of it. Radiation everyday kind of takes over summer....the good note is I did get to spend some great times with my kids.

Music

Life is like a trumpet - if you don't put anything into it, you don't get anything out of it.
William Christopher Handy

Ahhh music...it soothes the soul! This, for those who do not know, really is one of my top two favorite things in life. I love to dance too, so dance music....ahhh love it! Music tells a story, reminds you of the past, or helps guide you through a difficult time in life. I can't tell you how many times I have been helped by someone else's words. No preference... just anything that moves me physically or emotionally.

Ironically, I feel this quote of the day today. It is almost as if the great quotes are speaking to me (no I am not going crazy)...LOL or maybe I am just finding meaning in EVERYTHING these days (ha ha). The more I have put into making my life more positive centered, honestly, the more fulfilled I have become. Even my everyday life with or without cancer is just happier. (This is with the exception of yesterday when I was running around town, shuttling kids, listening to them argue about who is going to tattle first, and coaching 12 soccer kiddos ages 5-7!!!) My life can get crazy...most of the time it is really....but I love it and wouldn't change a thing! Nobody...not even me... is Susy Sunshine all the time! My life has been far from easy so far (and that is the 1st 30 years :) they are supposed to be a breeze). Now my next 30 years will really allow me to have the "Better" not "Worse" part of my vows! Right??? Oh well either way...I will keep smiling, laughing, and attempting to be the "half full" girl!!! You are supposed to be the change you wish to see....

OK so round about way back to music. I heard a song the other day called "The breaths you take" (I think). Anyway, George Strait...great song. Google it!
Put in as much as you can and see what life gives you! Make some music today!

Pain

Pain today...yeah I know you don't hear much from me about pain (unless you are my husband). Not the worst pain, but still sucks. It just feels "tight" or maybe swollen?? No blistering as of yet!!! Running is less than comfortable right now (must be the bouncing). I even did double sports bras....oh well. They deserve all this pain for trying to take me out!!! As you can see we(my girls and I) are still having issues with this previous attempt on my life....trying to move past it but feeling a bit untrusting of their future motives. As I have said numerous times before though...I will win and I am unafraid to try anything to win this battle!!! So far....they have nothing on me except some hair loss and that my friends is on it's way back!

I am 8 visits away from becoming a survivior not a patient and I will take any pain I possibly can to not extend this crap. Because that is what it is crap! I should just go work at Hanford (the nuclear plant) and at least I would be paid to radiate myself!! :)

The Friends of the Bald Woman non-profit is on its way to becoming a household name!!! Paperwork is in process, board of directors is bieng assembled, ideas are rolling, and facebook page up and going. Yeah facebookers for having over 40 friends in 4 hours!!! I realize that I am not really bald anymore but I am forever changed by this and so really hair or no hair I will always now be the Bald Woman. I am excited to be able to pay forward all the great things that so many people did for us. Too many cancer patients have nobody to help them through this difficult experience and Friends of the Bald Woman are they to be the "Friend" they need.

My Survival Song

Thank you Gloria Gaynor for your inspirational song...here is my take


At first I was afraid I was petrified
wondring how I would make it out of this alive
And I spent so many nights
thinking I was all alone
But I was wrong
And I learned how to carry on
And now I'm back better than before
Oh I kicked your butt now turn around and walk out of that door
Don't you come back for more and don't you come knockin on my door
I am strong and now i've beat you once before

So Go, walk out the door
Don't come back now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
I have more power than you know
I have more stength I tell you so
you think I'll crumble
Well the answer is always no

Oh no, not I
I will survive
I am strong and I am tough and
I have more friends on my side
I've got all my life to live
I've got so much now to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
Hey Hey

See the light

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.
Aristotle Onassis

When you can see this light at the end of a very dark tunnel it makes it bearable. I think that little light is what helped me to make it through this mess.There were moments when that light is all I saw and moments when it was very hard to see. I guess I just never let go of it. There were times I wanted to quit (like I really had a choice). There were times I wanted to scream and cry (such a drama queen I know). Then there were the times that were so overwhelming that making a joke is all you can do to not lose it. In two weeks to this day I will be done with all treatments and move on to a pill for five years. It then and only then I will call myself a "survivor". It happens to be my daughters 3rd birthday too...I consider it my Re-birthday!!

"Survivor" is a funny word though. I mean to me it seems like if I was in some natural disaster or plane crash then I could come out saying, "I survived". This...I don't know. Here is the dictionary definition.

sur·vive (sr-vv)
v. sur·vived, sur·viv·ing, sur·vives
v.intr.
1. To remain alive or in existence.
2. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere:
3. To remain functional or usable:
4. To live longer than; outlive:
5. To live, persist, or remain usable through:
6. To cope with (a trauma or setback); persevere after

Even though I don't feel as if I have "done" anything to earn this title I will take it and wear it with pride. I feel as if I have remained alive...OK good so has everyone reading this. As for the others on the list, well we all deal with trauma and we are forced through difficulties even you go kicking and screaming. I guess according to this I am a survivor. Anyone can be a survivor but me.... I survived with style!!! :)

There is great power in each of us that most people don't even know they have. The challenge today is find your gift, the thing that makes you happy no matter what kind of mood your in and then....Don't let go!

Big plans

What a week. I am not sure which life I enjoy more....the one where I am shuttling kids to dance, coaching soccer, watching baseball, or the one where we sit and enjoy doing nothing. I guess as my daughter says it needs to be "the best of both worlds"!
Big plans for Think Pink...we are hopefully going to be non-profit witin the week (or at least our app will be processed). I am going to call the foundation "Friends of the Bald Woman". Now those who know me know I am not bald anymore, but "The Bald Woman" is really who I am now....the same me but changed! We will be helping people locally that can't afford co-pays, treatments, loss of work wages, food, housecleaning! I hope that we can give these guys the hope that I had during this phase of life. If we can reduce the stress of life then they can really focus on the best part....kicking this disease in the a**!
Other big plans the Thank you Think Pink Party will be in a few weeks. This will hopefully thank all those wonderful people that helped out along the way!

Life

Quote of the Day
Life is half spent before we know what it is.
George Herbert

Not here....Lucky me gets to know what it's about a bit earlier than halfway. I am not going anywhere at 60!!!!! I will be like 90 at least! :)

I heard two stories in the last two days that really shook me. The both had to do with cancer in the brain, both were spread there by another cancer, and both came on very quick. It definitely makes this disease more real to me. When you are fighting this thing you keep your eye on the end. I had so much focus on the "end of chemo" and now the "end of radiation" (which is Aug 17th if you haven't heard)! When you do that, your focus goes there, your anger, your hope, and even your happiness...everything focused on that day. Then the day comes and goes and you begin to think and see and hear about what you have just done. This stupid disease takes lives and it could've taken mine. That is alot to process. I am still here and obviously I have much more work left to do. I have to remind myself more often right now not to focus on that negative side. I will tell you even for Ms. Positivity here that is hard. When you have something that threatens your life it is hard not to think about it. The fact that they can't even tell me 100% that I am done dealing with this (for the rest of my life) is even less comfortable. Doing with style once is one thing...more than once...I am not going to find out.
OK I think I have got all my negativity out for the day...sorry. My heart and prayers go out to each of those families and I hope that a miracle comes their way! (Never know..seen a few in 30 years)
No matter if you are fighting for your life, living your life, or anything in between just remember what it is that is important to you and surround yourself with it.

Time

On this blog I get daily quotes and the ones I like the most end up on facebook and here. Yesterday's was this.....

Time is what we want most, but what we use worst.
William Penn

Oh time... How I wish it could just hurry up sometimes. The whole time I am wishing it away I am wasting it.....Time is funny little thing isn't it. It's like everything else we have in our lives is held on to, let go, cursed, praised, kept, forgotten, and too often used poorly. Why are we never satisfied? Watch the movie "Click" for a great example of this. We could have all the time in the world and wish it would "hurry up". How many times have you hurried time with your young children only to wish it would slow down when they are older. Being in the current moment of time is difficult. If we were more content with what we have maybe we could live in the moment more. I have a hard time with this too believe me.

Try this...for one day be totally satisfied with EVERYTHING...the amount of money, kind of house, the screams out of the working lungs of your children, the crappy cold coffee you are drinking, and the constant interruptions when you are trying to type really important information on your blog!!!!! (OK that one was mine) Toss away the watch and for one day do not worry about time. Eat when you are hungry not when it is "time", play, and be in the day and moment not the time. I have done this before (at first it was because of the chemo brain and I couldn't remember the day or time) but now it is fun. I can't live my whole life like that at this moment but sometimes for sure. Caution to you strict schedule followers....You will not like this but it is good for you....I promise!

Good luck and let me know how it goes! (Don't start making excuses for why you can't. If you are a person you can do this...It's ONE day out of your life. You can still do things that are mandatory on a schedule but challenge yourself to do the rest of the day!)

Fear

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
Anais Nin

Perception is everything isn't it?

Last night my 6 year old son attended a break dance workshop put on by the Massive Monkeez. They were on America's Best Dance Crew and are amazing break dancers. He has been out of break dance class for a few months for summer break. He went to the workshop excited and as soon as he arrived his tone changed. He got very nervous and quiet. Anyone that knows my son knows he is anything but quiet especially when it comes to dancing. When it was time to get up and go in there he said no. He said he didn't want to go. I told him it was time and helped slightly push him in the direction of the door where his teacher stood. His teacher greeted him and said come on. He turned his head and looked at my smile and went in. He took a 2 hour class with kids that were 13-19 years old. Just to remind you he is 6!!! He was intimidated at first but quickly perked up and tried every single thing they were teaching. He didn't get them all right, and some were really challenging for him. I never once saw him quit and never once saw him not try.
He made a choice right there as we all often do. He was afraid. He could have let that fear take over, but he didn't. I am so proud of him pushing through a fear and just doing it. How many times have we as adults chose to not do something based solely on fear? Fear can stop us from so many things in life. It could be fear of rejection, not being good enough, or fear of the unknown. So what to all those fears....what if we are rejected, what if we are not the best, what if we don't know what comes next? I learned a great lesson from my 6 year old last night. No matter what comes at you just keep moving forward. It is like the saying says, "We have nothing to fear except fear itself"
I read the tough guy poem yesterday morning to my son and explained how tough guys are in each of us when we need them. Last night after his workshop I asked him if the tough guy came out and with a big smile he said "I am the tough guy!"
Whatever you may be fearful of today weather it is cancer or a big test remember that we all have a tough guy within us. Have less fear and more faith!