It's been 365 days and I feel the same. Its like I have hit the replay button and can't shut it off. That was the worst day of my life you know. It was the day when my heart shattered and my life would never again be the same. It is a day burned in my mind that left a massive scar that although now closed will forever be with me.
367 days ago I hugged you for the last time. That is the day I wish was replaying in mind. I often think of what words I would have said if I knew somehow that our time was coming to an end. Would I have hugged you longer, refused to let you leave, would I have said I love you more, or would I have taken 150 pictures to remember....maybe? It's not the words unsaid though...its the kick me when I was already down kind of unexpected blow that hurts the most.
There are many people that say with time this will get easier. They are wrong you know. It doesn't get easier but at some point you have no choice but to live your life. That is probably where I am today. I live my life, but constantly think that I need to pick up the phone and have you over for dinner, tell you a great story, or share news with you. I think of you almost every day still. I still cry. Is this normal??....365 days has done nothing. I am functional now but no happier. I have to drive by that stupid apartment each and every day. Most days I don't even look but occasionally I just burst into tears. Then know how mad you would be if you knew I was crying. You'd tell me..."oh love stop it right now. don't cry about bleatin old me." That makes me laugh for a moment. It hurts though. I know you are happy and on a small level it comforts me but I can't help but feel cheated. why couldn't I have had a little more time? How selfish huh. I know I know.
I think the problem really is that I truly realize that NOTHING is forever and NOTHING is a guarantee in this life. I knew this when my own life was threatened. I knew this when an amazing job was ripped out from under us. I really learned this when one day I was hugging you and telling you how much I loved you coming over for your mouthfuls of wine and then two days later I am staring at a shell that was once so full of life.
I know you are dancing everyday with your true love and I want to thank you for the amazing example of how love truly conquers all obstacles. Better or worse, sickness and health, richer and poorer. You were a prime example of what I aspire to be.
Well I will be sitting here today drinking my wine toasting to you and will make a nice batch of sausage rolls because that is all I have left... that and the memories. Please put in a word to the big guy that I may need some extra hand holding today. Its going to be a tough one but I will put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward....or I may stop a while and just think about how one day we will meet again. Until then I will try to be thankful for the 33 wonderful years I was able to have you in my life.
I love you and I miss you EVERY single day! Cheers to you all up there dancing away!
It's been 367 days since I hugged you so today I will try and hold that memory a little longer.
I am missing you today .......for my nanny :(
I wrote this last year
They ask me how I am doing and I smile and just say fine
I don't have the words to say what's really on my mind
My heart just feels so broken and shattered there on the floor
I can't see how it will be the same it's so different than before
Flashbacks of the good times are haunting me day and night
I wish to God I could turn back time and make this all alright
I hide my pain behind a smile and pretend so they can't see
they all think I am a rock but I am just as weak as weak can be
My days consist of sadness and pain beyond compare
I go to the phone to call you and forget that your not there
I begged and pleaded and prayed today that it was only just a dream
but woke up today without you here and I can't help feel its just so mean
I am alone in a room but surrounded by all those who care
but their words just don't change the way I feel so I just sit and stare
They say that time will heal all wounds and this pain will soon subside
but they don't know what I see, each time I close my eyes
I know your up there dancing and happy with your love
but please look down from time to time with love from up above
I will keep moving forward but today its just too hard to do
so I will stop and sit awhile and think of the good times I had with you
