I just found this and love it!!!
"Don't count the days, make the days count." -Muhammad Ali
The Diary of the Bald Woman
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Bald is the new Blonde
This is the shirt I think I will be getting. I can't say that I am really happy for this day but glad it's done. I posted some crazy pics on facebook recreating the Brittany head shaving thing. It created some good comic relief for a crappy situation. I am going to print them and put them in my bathroom and the days I am pissed off being bald I can look them and laugh! Just looking at them on facebook today was funny! Just a short term problem...Feeling better this round with a few new meds to counteract some of the others :) I love that! This time just a really tired day 3 and today on day 4 looking ok so far. The sun is shining and we are going to the park to enjoy the afternoon.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Loves and Hates
Top 5 Things I Hate about My Cancer
5. Losing your hair (even though it is temporary it still sucks to look sick or just crazy)
4. Not sleeping at 2am but wanting to sleep at 2pm (what is that??)
3. Taking meds to control meds, to control meds, that are making me sick, in order to make me better (Confused, join the club)
2. Chemo brain (forgetting everything that I am doing in the short term)
1. What was I doing again??
Top 5 Things I Love about My Cancer
5. Having a cleaner house than I did before (thanks mom and nanny)
4. Forgetting where my stove is either because of chemo brain or the wonderful meals that are made for us everyday for the next six months
3. Sitting in the infusion room for 2 or more hours every other week with wonderful company bringing some life to that place. (We don't stop laughing- it really is like my personal little cocktail lounge)
2. Having the chance to live and see things differently than before (Like a makeover of the soul)
1. Getting to wear a shirts that say "Does this shirt make my head look bald?" and "Chemo Princess"
5. Losing your hair (even though it is temporary it still sucks to look sick or just crazy)
4. Not sleeping at 2am but wanting to sleep at 2pm (what is that??)
3. Taking meds to control meds, to control meds, that are making me sick, in order to make me better (Confused, join the club)
2. Chemo brain (forgetting everything that I am doing in the short term)
1. What was I doing again??
Top 5 Things I Love about My Cancer
5. Having a cleaner house than I did before (thanks mom and nanny)
4. Forgetting where my stove is either because of chemo brain or the wonderful meals that are made for us everyday for the next six months
3. Sitting in the infusion room for 2 or more hours every other week with wonderful company bringing some life to that place. (We don't stop laughing- it really is like my personal little cocktail lounge)
2. Having the chance to live and see things differently than before (Like a makeover of the soul)
1. Getting to wear a shirts that say "Does this shirt make my head look bald?" and "Chemo Princess"
Friday, February 26, 2010
Feeling good today. Nothing the saltines won't fix. I found out great news yesterday. They ran the estrogen again for a third time since there were conflicting results and I am.......ESTROGEN POSITIVE!!! Yeah, that is good news for after this is done because it gives me yet one more thing to kick this thing in the a** with!! (sorry) My odds of recurrence will reduce dramatically too!
Thank you God for continuing to walk with me and even carry me some of these days! Thank again and again to all those who continue to help me reduce the stress in life with meals, cleaning, phone calls, and all the cards/flowers! You don't know how much that means and my words will never really be able to express it! Thank you to the loves of my life, Josh, Deacon, Miley, and even Diego for being instrumental keeping my spirits high! I love you all and will continue to kick this thing in the a** and work raise money for a cure. Nobody should have to deal with this disease!
Song of the Day: Jason Meraz, "I'm Yours". Check it out. It is my FAVORITE song because it reminds me of my favorite place in the world so far, Maui, HI .
Thank you God for continuing to walk with me and even carry me some of these days! Thank again and again to all those who continue to help me reduce the stress in life with meals, cleaning, phone calls, and all the cards/flowers! You don't know how much that means and my words will never really be able to express it! Thank you to the loves of my life, Josh, Deacon, Miley, and even Diego for being instrumental keeping my spirits high! I love you all and will continue to kick this thing in the a** and work raise money for a cure. Nobody should have to deal with this disease!
Song of the Day: Jason Meraz, "I'm Yours". Check it out. It is my FAVORITE song because it reminds me of my favorite place in the world so far, Maui, HI .
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Goodbye to My Hair
Well you are falling like a Seattle rain now
I thought I could deal but I am not sure how
All times I cursed you when you never looked just right
all the times I hated you when I was going out for the night
This is a goodbye to all the times we have had
brown or blonde or in between , I will be very sad
To see you go so quickly and fall out strand by strand
is just to hard deal with and more than I can stand
So this it our time is now in the recent past
I am sorry this has happened and happened just so fast
Like a band aid on cut, it will only hurt for a few
I will shave you off so quick and then say my final goodbye to you.
I thank you for the days you were looking oh so good
just know this is not my choice, I would keep you if I could
We will only part for a short while in order to save my life
you will be back soon I hope, and maybe make me a hotter wife!
I thought I could deal but I am not sure how
All times I cursed you when you never looked just right
all the times I hated you when I was going out for the night
This is a goodbye to all the times we have had
brown or blonde or in between , I will be very sad
To see you go so quickly and fall out strand by strand
is just to hard deal with and more than I can stand
So this it our time is now in the recent past
I am sorry this has happened and happened just so fast
Like a band aid on cut, it will only hurt for a few
I will shave you off so quick and then say my final goodbye to you.
I thank you for the days you were looking oh so good
just know this is not my choice, I would keep you if I could
We will only part for a short while in order to save my life
you will be back soon I hope, and maybe make me a hotter wife!
Round 2 begins
Round 2 is beginning today with a a big blow to the head, literally. My hair is starting to fall out (started yesterday actually). This is no big shocker but still is pretty upsetting. I think it will be gone in a week at this rate. I have been trying to mentally prepare for this day, but clearly I wasn't because this is so hard. It is not the hair itself but more the public announcement that comes with it! I know I will be ok, but the cancer just took a punch today and it hurt.
Gotta keep moving forward though so thats what I will do. Second chemo starts this morning/afternoon. Cocktail lounge, that is my name for chemo time, here I come for some r and r. :) Lets have some hope and prayers that round two is as successful in my favor as round one! I will keep u posted.
To anyone that actually reads this, have an amazing day!!
Gotta keep moving forward though so thats what I will do. Second chemo starts this morning/afternoon. Cocktail lounge, that is my name for chemo time, here I come for some r and r. :) Lets have some hope and prayers that round two is as successful in my favor as round one! I will keep u posted.
To anyone that actually reads this, have an amazing day!!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Secret to Life
Been really busy the last few days... It feels on some days as if there is nothing wrong. I just go about my normal day to day routines as if nobody has told me anything. It is wierd, but I am thankful.
Round 2 of chemo is in a few days and just like before I am a bit nervous. I am only nervous because I feel like it may be worse. I have no reason to think that but I still do. I have been laying around more the last few days because my white blood counts are low and I do not want to get sick. My hair will be gone soon and then the big announcement to the whole world that I HAVE CANCER is out there. Feeling mixed emotions on that but will deal with it as it comes.
I have been getting wonderful dinners, weekly house cleaning, and cards in the mail to ease the stress. Guess what...It is totally working. I don't feel stressed 99% of the time. (Should I feel guilty for that since there are so many out there that are stressed) I am going to start a team for the Cancer Center run/walk. It will be Mar 20 at 10am. We get shirts with ribbons on them to decorate how you wish. It should be fun. If you are interested call me. Any reason to wear pink is good enough for me. I am going to try and find the Pink Brittany wig!! I may sing the whole time too, so beware of that before you sign up!
As you can see laughing at myself really helps to ease the stress of this too! You may be wondering, does this mean she is not taking things serious enough?? I assure you I am! I think about the fact that I am pumping my body full of toxic crap for the next six months because someone told me that it needed to be done. I think about how quick this came on and how next time (if there was a next time) I may not catch it so quick. Then what?? I think about what would happen to my kids if I didn't wake up each day. What would they think, say, do?? so... Please don't think that those horrible thoughts don't cross my mind more often than not. Here is the thing though, I let myself have those thoughts as they come and acknowlede them all as just that....thoughts. Then as quick as they come I let them go. I refuse to sit and think constantly about things that are not in my power. I do however feel better when I laugh about those things that are causing me such drama. That is what this blog is for I guess (Cheap therapy)
What makes me the happiest though, is that I have a disease that can take my life from me and I can still some how smile at the end of everyday (NOTE: I didn't say ALL day just by the end :) ). If I can do that now the small crisis's of the moment seem much more manageable!!!
Here is my words of wisdom for today: I asked my 2 year old, "What is the secret to a good life?" No jokes here is what she said..........."DANCING!"
Now as you all know I have this part covered because I win all the dance offs we have! So thats it for today if you want to be happy go and do some dancing today! Peace out and MAKE IT COUNT today!
Round 2 of chemo is in a few days and just like before I am a bit nervous. I am only nervous because I feel like it may be worse. I have no reason to think that but I still do. I have been laying around more the last few days because my white blood counts are low and I do not want to get sick. My hair will be gone soon and then the big announcement to the whole world that I HAVE CANCER is out there. Feeling mixed emotions on that but will deal with it as it comes.
I have been getting wonderful dinners, weekly house cleaning, and cards in the mail to ease the stress. Guess what...It is totally working. I don't feel stressed 99% of the time. (Should I feel guilty for that since there are so many out there that are stressed) I am going to start a team for the Cancer Center run/walk. It will be Mar 20 at 10am. We get shirts with ribbons on them to decorate how you wish. It should be fun. If you are interested call me. Any reason to wear pink is good enough for me. I am going to try and find the Pink Brittany wig!! I may sing the whole time too, so beware of that before you sign up!
As you can see laughing at myself really helps to ease the stress of this too! You may be wondering, does this mean she is not taking things serious enough?? I assure you I am! I think about the fact that I am pumping my body full of toxic crap for the next six months because someone told me that it needed to be done. I think about how quick this came on and how next time (if there was a next time) I may not catch it so quick. Then what?? I think about what would happen to my kids if I didn't wake up each day. What would they think, say, do?? so... Please don't think that those horrible thoughts don't cross my mind more often than not. Here is the thing though, I let myself have those thoughts as they come and acknowlede them all as just that....thoughts. Then as quick as they come I let them go. I refuse to sit and think constantly about things that are not in my power. I do however feel better when I laugh about those things that are causing me such drama. That is what this blog is for I guess (Cheap therapy)
What makes me the happiest though, is that I have a disease that can take my life from me and I can still some how smile at the end of everyday (NOTE: I didn't say ALL day just by the end :) ). If I can do that now the small crisis's of the moment seem much more manageable!!!
Here is my words of wisdom for today: I asked my 2 year old, "What is the secret to a good life?" No jokes here is what she said..........."DANCING!"
Now as you all know I have this part covered because I win all the dance offs we have! So thats it for today if you want to be happy go and do some dancing today! Peace out and MAKE IT COUNT today!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Round 1 winner is HOLLY!!
OK so I still have a minor headache on this beautiful day, but that is it! I am feeling thankful that round one of this big fight goes to Holly. I had two days of the worst headaches ever. It felt like I had about eight bottles of wine and no water....I know you that feeling! I have been a little more tired and am trying to sit down often. I walked for 20 min on the treadmill which was good mentally and maybe even a bit physically, but I was somewhat disappointed I couldn't run. Well I decided it would be better to walk because I didn't want to burn myself out before I even was going again. I will be running again don't you worry, but at a more leisurely pace and not so competitive. I think that is the story of my life right now actually. I have always been in such a hurry to get where I am going that I don't take the time to look along the way..... maybe it is time to start. I am gonna go back to work today and am happy to get back to reality. I am going to have to be careful and turn into a germaphob because day 8-14 my blood counts are at their lowest and I can catch everything...As you all know I work with middle schoolers and we know how clean they are!! Been thinking alot about my hair, I think this is because it will probably be gone in a week or two. The short haircut has really helped me to realize something though. I am still me at the end of the day no matter what. I have the same problems, the same attitude, and the same wonderful family. Nothing has changed except an outside thing. Anyway I have to go feed some hungry kiddos! I am so thankful today that I am here to do that!
This thing may bring me down and down hard, but it Will NOT keep me there!!!
This thing may bring me down and down hard, but it Will NOT keep me there!!!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
chemo begins
I am on day 3 today and feeling better than I expected. I guess I should've expected that from a $405 nausea medicine!
Treatment went fine. Scariest part was honestly walking in the door. April came with me and made it a lot more fun. It is almost like a little spa day! Seriously. I sit in a nicely padded recliner chair and get hooked up to my iv. I get my meds and get to just be for 2 hours. April and I caught up on Dr Phil's guests, shared our humorous stories, and a few of you even got a nice picture that I will soon post! It was not one thing like I had expected (I really have no idea what I expected).
One of my chemo meds is bright red (looks like my favorite cocktail or a nice glass of wine) and the other is just clear. It really looked as if I had graduated to wine to the veins!! It will now be referred to as the "THE LOUNGE that I go to every other Thursday afternoon instead of going to work" :) ! I guess that would explain the feeling of being hit by a truck today on day three...
I had an injection yesterday that will help make my bone marrow produce more white blood cells since mine will be taking a dive here next week. It was wonderful! Especially today when every bone I have in my body feels....not in pain just sore or maybe tired.
The other wonderful side effect to note is what is called "chemo brain"!! Oh this one is fun. I am a bit scatter brained as most of you are probably aware of, but this brings blond to new heights for me. I walked around yesterday calling Valentines day, Halloween! Who knows, it messes with short term memories. My wonderful top notch mind that can't even remember what is on a list is just fun (mostly for others to listen to).
All in all, I feel good. Apart from a few times in the day when meds are due. My big hope today is that the rest of the treatment stays like this and I will be just fine and minus some hair!
Oh yeah the Cancer center here is amazing. They have hats, wigs, and scarfs in a store that are all free. The have support groups, free yoga classes on Friday's (which I will be attending next Friday), and many other free fun things to do. I may be hanging out there quite a bit! (Just kidding anyone from work reading this :) ) I am treated better now than ever! Pretty sweet!
Here is my music quote for the day (hopefully I haven't used it before, if I have it is the chemo brain talking):
"Its a great day to be alive, I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes."
Treatment went fine. Scariest part was honestly walking in the door. April came with me and made it a lot more fun. It is almost like a little spa day! Seriously. I sit in a nicely padded recliner chair and get hooked up to my iv. I get my meds and get to just be for 2 hours. April and I caught up on Dr Phil's guests, shared our humorous stories, and a few of you even got a nice picture that I will soon post! It was not one thing like I had expected (I really have no idea what I expected).
One of my chemo meds is bright red (looks like my favorite cocktail or a nice glass of wine) and the other is just clear. It really looked as if I had graduated to wine to the veins!! It will now be referred to as the "THE LOUNGE that I go to every other Thursday afternoon instead of going to work" :) ! I guess that would explain the feeling of being hit by a truck today on day three...
I had an injection yesterday that will help make my bone marrow produce more white blood cells since mine will be taking a dive here next week. It was wonderful! Especially today when every bone I have in my body feels....not in pain just sore or maybe tired.
The other wonderful side effect to note is what is called "chemo brain"!! Oh this one is fun. I am a bit scatter brained as most of you are probably aware of, but this brings blond to new heights for me. I walked around yesterday calling Valentines day, Halloween! Who knows, it messes with short term memories. My wonderful top notch mind that can't even remember what is on a list is just fun (mostly for others to listen to).
All in all, I feel good. Apart from a few times in the day when meds are due. My big hope today is that the rest of the treatment stays like this and I will be just fine and minus some hair!
Oh yeah the Cancer center here is amazing. They have hats, wigs, and scarfs in a store that are all free. The have support groups, free yoga classes on Friday's (which I will be attending next Friday), and many other free fun things to do. I may be hanging out there quite a bit! (Just kidding anyone from work reading this :) ) I am treated better now than ever! Pretty sweet!
Here is my music quote for the day (hopefully I haven't used it before, if I have it is the chemo brain talking):
"Its a great day to be alive, I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes."
Thursday, February 11, 2010
C Day is here
Well the day has come along all to quick
to begin the meds that will make me sick.
I am ready but nervous and a little scared
I wonder if anyone is ever prepared.
I will sit and wait for two hours or more
so many thoughts and feelings to explore.
Like anger and rage that this has happened to me
my dreams and plans have to change you see.
You can't do this, you can't do that
I feel at times like I'm just a lab rat.
My hair is short my bodies a mess
I don't know that I can even get dressed.
Then the sadness kicks in with thoughts of my life
have I been a good mother, a friend, and a wife.
I assure you I have tried and will try harder
because this thing has made me a whole lot smarter.
In life you have to just keep moving, no matter what it brings
just know that now you are the bearer of much much greater things.
Now the feelings of great love and hope
will carry me through and help me to cope.
Hope will light even my darkest day
and bring me peace and show me the way.
Soon this will be nothing but a scar on my life, just like those all over me
a spot that will heal but never be gone changing the way I see.
to begin the meds that will make me sick.
I am ready but nervous and a little scared
I wonder if anyone is ever prepared.
I will sit and wait for two hours or more
so many thoughts and feelings to explore.
Like anger and rage that this has happened to me
my dreams and plans have to change you see.
You can't do this, you can't do that
I feel at times like I'm just a lab rat.
My hair is short my bodies a mess
I don't know that I can even get dressed.
Then the sadness kicks in with thoughts of my life
have I been a good mother, a friend, and a wife.
I assure you I have tried and will try harder
because this thing has made me a whole lot smarter.
In life you have to just keep moving, no matter what it brings
just know that now you are the bearer of much much greater things.
Now the feelings of great love and hope
will carry me through and help me to cope.
Hope will light even my darkest day
and bring me peace and show me the way.
Soon this will be nothing but a scar on my life, just like those all over me
a spot that will heal but never be gone changing the way I see.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Hair isn't everything?
Well I cut my hair yesterday for the first time in 30 years. I don't hate it but it will take some getting used to and then it will probably be gone by the time I start to like it anyway. Trying not get too attached to anything like hair right now. It is super short in the back and a bit longer in the front to at least make me look more girly for a few weeks. I am really trying to keep the smile going, but today made this more of a reality. I feel like a boy with a double chin!! UHHHHHH! Why does it seem that people with short hair are more confident? (OK enough whining) Maybe it really has nothing to do with that and more to do with the fact that I am losing confidence on a daily! I have lost my hair (not even completely yet), have scars all over my body, and soon will be feeling about as well as I look. It is funny because when you think about difficulties that you have overcome in your life you wonder "how did I do that?". In every instance I have wondered that I also remember thinking that I just did what needed to be done and I am so glad I will not be doing that again :). No great secret, I just pushed through each day with the hope that the next would be a little better. I also prayed that I would be guided through each journey. I may sound a little more complainy (I know- it is my own word ok). Don't worry I am fully aware of my reasons for doing this and am not in the least second guessing what i have chosen to do, but.. The hair was hard. That just triggered this little whine session no biggie will be over it tomorrow. Everyone says they like it but really what else would they say? I am still just sticking to one day at a time and Keep moving forward and will not stray from those two phrases ever. i will keep moving please have no doubt about that but "momma says there will be days like this" (I love the musical references). "Can't nobody hold me down. Oh no. I got to keep on movin" No blog post would be complete without a quote from the music of the great P Diddy! Ha ha, see even on a down day...I still got it!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Treatment
Well the chemo begins next Thursday! Yeah! I am partially happy to just begin and get it over with!! I am also feeling like a prisoner today. I feel like my life has to stop for 6 months, but clearly it won't. I will go every two weeks and have two drugs for 6 treatments. Then I will have one drug every three weeks for 4 times. Yes that is 6 months. My tumor is going to be run again and the genes will be tested to see if I am triple or double negative. The negative means no hormones at the end and a 33% chance of recurrence. Positive means yes to hormone therapy and a 10% chance of recurrence. I am obviously hoping for the positive. No really funny comments today I think today is a reality check day. Wait I take that back....attention all people reading... I need old Halloween wigs. I have decided to embrace being bald by wearing the ugliest, craziest, and loudest wigs to work (to keep the kids laughing). If you have any mullets, afros, pink, or crazy wigs please send them my way.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Attitude is Everything
I have really learned so far in my life and especially now that MY attitude is everything. I take the time each day to be thankful for something that has happened in my day and sometimes this can be hard. It is only hard until I change my way of viewing it (you know that glass half full or empty crap-but still VERY true).
Just the other day I was thankful for my kids working lungs so they can scream and argue with each other the WHOLE day. Those are some perfectly working lungs.
I am thankful that my son is SOOOO much like my husband that they can't go 10 seconds without 'both trying to be right'. This means my son looks up to his dad so much that he needs to be JUST LIKE HIM and I married Josh.............so guessing that is good right! See what I mean all about the way you look at things.
i am also thankful that I have this cancer......wait hold the gasps........I am thankful it is me instead of being Deacon last year when his mole was removed and tested. I am thankful it is not an older relative whose body can't tolerate this like mine. I am thankful it is me and not someone with the mental attitude to KICK this disease in the A** ! (sorry if you are offended by my ** words but they help me add drama and stress parts of my story).
I am also thankful for all of you folks out there who have been supportive in so many different ways. I am thankful that I get to feel what it is like to be loved by many people and I hope and pray one day I will be able to show each of you how WONDERFUL that feels.
I am thankful for each scar that I have and the great story I have to share with each of them (you know me and my stories-love them).
Lastly (for today) I am thankful that I am so funny!! You either have it or you don't and by golly I just have it! You know sometimes I just crack myself up and I just love laughing...maybe I will be a comedian when I grow up (Josh is rolling his eyes as he is reading this I am sure because I tell him how funny I am all the time!)
Anyway.....I am done for today, so in summary: Surgery good. Laughing is great. And People are crazy. (My take on a great country song-google it if you haven't heard it) :) Peace out homies in web land!!
Just the other day I was thankful for my kids working lungs so they can scream and argue with each other the WHOLE day. Those are some perfectly working lungs.
I am thankful that my son is SOOOO much like my husband that they can't go 10 seconds without 'both trying to be right'. This means my son looks up to his dad so much that he needs to be JUST LIKE HIM and I married Josh.............so guessing that is good right! See what I mean all about the way you look at things.
i am also thankful that I have this cancer......wait hold the gasps........I am thankful it is me instead of being Deacon last year when his mole was removed and tested. I am thankful it is not an older relative whose body can't tolerate this like mine. I am thankful it is me and not someone with the mental attitude to KICK this disease in the A** ! (sorry if you are offended by my ** words but they help me add drama and stress parts of my story).
I am also thankful for all of you folks out there who have been supportive in so many different ways. I am thankful that I get to feel what it is like to be loved by many people and I hope and pray one day I will be able to show each of you how WONDERFUL that feels.
I am thankful for each scar that I have and the great story I have to share with each of them (you know me and my stories-love them).
Lastly (for today) I am thankful that I am so funny!! You either have it or you don't and by golly I just have it! You know sometimes I just crack myself up and I just love laughing...maybe I will be a comedian when I grow up (Josh is rolling his eyes as he is reading this I am sure because I tell him how funny I am all the time!)
Anyway.....I am done for today, so in summary: Surgery good. Laughing is great. And People are crazy. (My take on a great country song-google it if you haven't heard it) :) Peace out homies in web land!!
Port is in
Had surgery this morning to put in the port. This will make chemo easier and will not destroy my veins! I also found out what happened to change the test results. When the tumor was sent to California to be tested the computer analyzed it and spit out the results. Four doctors looked at the results and God bless the ONE who looked at it and said that doesn't look right. He didn't like the way the computer analyzed it and decided on a hunch to manually run it and give it the "human factor". When he re-ran the test it was 96% estrogen positive instead of negative. This will change my treatment for the better and gives me better odds of not having a recurrence. YEAH! Still gonna proceed with chemo...this has been a very debatable topic around here, but feel confident it my choices and doctors too. The chemo drugs will change and be better from the sounds of it...more info on that after Thursday's onc visit. I feel like only being 30 and having two little kiddos that I need to exhaust every possible thing to make this NEVER come back again. If this means no hair and being somewhat sick I will do what I need to do.
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