Last Chemo

The day has finally arrived......this is the day I have been focusing on for 5 months. It is crazy! The last treatment that I will EVER receive (I hope)!!!! I have gone through so much and I do still have a small journey left ahead, but the hard work is done. I am so happy I could scream......

Here are the top 10 lessons that I have learned during chemo......

10. Hair today, gone tomorrow. (Hair is just that....hair! You can change it, dye it, or lose it all and you are you at the end of the day. Be thankful for that! Love yourself for who you are on the inside not what you put up on the outside. Then you can work on making the two match up.)

9. Memory is important. (I honestly just forgot what I was going to write after that so I guess....POINT proven)

8. Attitude is everything. (Cancer or no cancer the way you look at things is vital. Those who can see the "half full" side of things will have it way easier. Join us on the "half full side" in finding the good and lessons out of EVERY life situation)

7. People are amazing. (The kindness of strangers and seeing the love of your family and friends everyday is like God patting you on the back and saying "KEEP IT UP". You are all amazing each and everyone of you. You can all rest knowing that you were a part of keeping me going especially when I wanted to stop)

6. Humor and Laughter really are the best medicine. (If I haven't proved this to you yet... nothing will. Laugh everyday!)

5. Be good to others. (Strangers or family, good or bad, we are still people here. Tell people when they are doing something well. We all like to hear it, so give it out too! Be kind to everyone you meet and you'll soon see how much kinder people are to you. Make the first step!)

4. Money and things can't come with you. (Everyone knows this, but needs a reminder now and then. Those things really aren't as important as we think they are at the time!)

3. If you need help...ASK! (This was especially hard for me and I still have to work on this one. If their are people around offering to help..let them. Thanks to my sister for forcing help on me at first and making me learn this lesson no matter what.)

2. Live like your dying. (I know...cheesy, it's a song, but still very true. Even if you only do this for a day...Do it. Look at the world's beauty, say what you need to say, and do what you've been wanting to do. No more road blocks just go after what you want.....Key: You need to know what you want first!!!)

1. Family is everything. (Love your family and count your blessings each day. No matter where your life bends and twists they will be the ones that are there for you! Some are crazy, some are loud, some are just exhausting to be around but they are yours all the same so be happy that your life's not lame!!!!)


Ok better go head off to the last spa day!! You can look at this as I have made it to the top of the mountain and now with the radiation I will be headed down to the other side! Gonna keep posting my crazy Bald Woman stories so don't worry your daily dose of humor will still be in tact!!! Have a TOTALLY AWESOME DAY (Yeah 1985!!)

The Finish Line

The end of the race is getting near
I can see it now and hear the cheer

I am sprinting as fast as can be
trying to get there as if it's chasing me

This line is all that has been in sight
I was focused only on this night

The race was long and wasn't much fun
but these ending moments make it worth the run

Proud of the journey that I have just endured
thankful I am here and hoping I am cured

Now it's time to move on to the next phase
hoping it too will be full of great days

In all great races you learn about yourself
This one was much much more than about health

I am strong, I am proud, and I am living so free
I have finished a great race and the winner was ME!!!!

Friday Fun

Oh boy where do I begin....This weekend was a strange one. Let's just hit the highlights...
First, on Friday we decided to take our turn having a party for the World Cup. We have been rotating through everyone's house since it is a month long. Fine, normally, but as I am sitting at dance class I discover that we have 2 performances on Friday, one in the early afternoon and one at the exact time our party begins. Great, now Bald Woman needs to kick it into overdrive today. The great effects of chemo brain have struck again. I could have sworn it was Saturday... Oh well it will just take a bit of skill in planning it out right! The performances are only a half hour-ish so, "I've got this" I thought to myself. Well then, as if to up the ante, the radiation doc wants to do their 2 hour mapping thing they do prior to radiation. "Of course I can come in first thing" I said clinching my teeth but still smiling. In my head I run down the plan of the day. Drop of kids at in-laws, go to doctor, swing by in-laws grab kids, off to dance performance, go home and feed them, make food for party, clean up house, head off to performance (right when they all start to arrive), and then watch the performance and be back before half time. Sounds like a great well organized plan... right???? Well, we know it wouldn't be on here if it worked so here is how it really went.....

1. Go to doctor (I was drawn on like I was getting plastic surgery with the wonderful black marker that takes forever to come off. Then I got 4 tiny tattoos for the radiation..what a science that is. To make it even better the shirt I had on was a tank top so the BIG marker box drawn on my chest looked great to go in public. Lucky for me they finished early and I ran home across town to attempt to find a shirt to cover it up.)
Doctor....check!

2. Go to performance (To my shock this went pretty good. She danced and the seniors at the Senior Life Show all loved the 2 to 5 year olds dancing to "Single Ladies" No breakout stage mom moments for me either!!!
Performance 1....check (feeling good at this point)

3. Feed Kids (That is just funny to type because they only want to eat things I think they know we don't have. I think it is a joke that someone plays on me each day. They settled for a sandwich and some fish crackers and only after going 2 rounds today...things must be shaping up....yeah right!)
Feed kids...check and check! (OYB)

4. Prep food and clean up (I decided to make some easy recipes so I would not have to take too much time.....3 hours later food is done and house is picked up, twice.)
Food and clean up.....check (getting slower now and less smiley)

5. Hello guests, goodbye guests (off to the performance...Well sort of. Because my long list of activities during the day I left about 15 min late. This should have been fine for me to barely make it because I knew exactly where I was going...NOPE I was wrong. Not only was I wrong I had no idea where I was supposed to be. Chemo brain strikes again! I drive around the east side trying to think of something that will remind me of where we are supposed to be...finally I figure it out. It must have been the people standing outside the mission that were staring at me thinking I was crazy just driving by fifty times that made me think a bit quicker. Turns out it was right next to one of my old work sites....go figure! Then the fun started...I was 15 min late from the time it was supposed to begin. I ran in carrying my 2 year old completely out of breath hanging on to the hope that she was the last dance number so I may still make it. Much to my amazement when I walk in barley able to breathe there was hardly anyone there. I look around and see the girls from the show and follow them to the back dressing room. Confused I ask what is going on. Well we are running 25 or 30 min late. Oh good I thought. NOPE AGAIN!!! This was the JUNETEENTH event and she said it never starts on time. All I could think in my head was that this doesn't sound good! To make things even better they had a fashion show and awards they they so kindly spaced between each dance number....She, the organizer or person in charge would be the better title, told me they should be done by 8! The dance teachers had no clue that they would be setting it up this way either. So.....we watched a very interesting fashion show with large hats and church gear, listened to some great people get some awards for something, and watched our performers go up one by one (mine being.... DEAD LAST)! Oh it was good times at Juneteenth...think I will go again next year! Finally, go back to the party at about 8:00 and tried to be social when my body just was screaming at me that it was not happy with me. I calmed it down by having a nice glass of wine and went to bed around midnight!

The funniest part of this story is that this was only on FRIDAY!!!!! I still had 2 more jam packed days to get through! And they say I have cancer too????? Who knew??

The Fight

Dear cancer you will not win this fight
you will not take ME out tonight

I am ready for you and I am strong
you think your powerful but your wrong

I have the power in this great story
I am the one that will have all the glory

When you picked me you should have thought twice
because I assure you this girl doesn't play nice

So just sit back and get prepared
I am gonna knock you out so you better be scared

This is for all those people you have taken
This is for all those worlds you have shaken

Here is a taste of what you do to others
now stay away from the men, the children, and our mothers

If I see you back here in this body
I will beat you again and you will be sorry

I will cut off limbs to get you out
I will use chemicals and lasers without a doubt

You will never take my heart or my soul
you will never get what makes me whole

I will go rounds with you and never stop
I will win every time and I will be on top

I hope today you have learned something here
you will no longer be getting our fear

Now go away and don't come back
or you'll wish that you were just a heart attack

Day 1 Winner is: BALD WOMAN

Well day one of summer has come and gone...I am a little scared. It will be long one. There will be no relaxing by the pool (mostly because we don't have one) and no perfect little quiet summer. This summer will be anything but quiet. By glancing at the two of them you wouldn't know, but then the shrill that sends shivers up your spine is always only a second away. She has that screech for everything now. We can be in stores, at home, or in a library and it is the same. They argue about EVERYTHING and I am hoping it is only because they need lots of practice for their hugely successful law careers that will help me retire on a tropical island!!!!
It is even more humorous when I can hear them in the other room arguing and they don't know I can hear them.....

D, "I was playing with that"
M, "NOOOOO"
D, "Yes I was"
M, "You are a Smart Alick (her new favorite word)"
D, "No, I'm telling on you right now"
M, "NO I am telling first"
D, "NO I am (getting louder at this point)"
M, "NOOOOOOO" (here comes the shriek)
D, "I am telling before you"
M, "No I am"
D and M in unison, "MMMMOOOOOMMMMMMM!"

This was at 8:30am of day 1.......anyone else scared??????
The wonderful day progressed with eye rolls, attempted escapes from me (the wicked queen) in the library, and No's flowing like water!!!! Some may wonder why I would want to do this, some may wonder if I will last, and some may think I am crazy.....I think, THERE IS NOWHERE ELSE I WOULD RATHER BE! (well maybe a tropical island with a Mai Tai and a massage)

Summer Begins Today!!!

I love to laugh it really makes life much easier when times are hard. I think that no matter what body parts, activities, or how much time you take away from someone that it is a key in dealing with life. You can control laughter when you can't control anything else, you can't take it away when you take away other things, and you can feel better on any given day with a good laugh. That is powerful!
The world needs to laugh more!

Today is the first official day of "School's out and your on your own Bald Woman" (it was too long to put on the calanders, so....) The kids and I are going to have a nice organized summer of activities...That makes me laugh just writing that! We are going to talk about what we want to learn about this summer and try and build some activities around those things. I can't wait to see what they come up with. We may be learning about the history of transformers or why ballerinas dance with tutu's??? Who knows. The troops are quietly eating now, but almost too quiet. That is almost worse than the typical crazyville...too quiet means big mess, broken items, or expensive fixes! My summer of fun has now turned into squeeze in everything you can in a day! I will be juggling Radiation treatments (33 of them to be exact), Workout sessions (gotta keep the chemicals and crap from taking over my body), coaching my son's soccer team (practice and game every week), Tutoring (only form of income on my behalf this summer), Cooking my own meals (WOW this will be crazy), Cleaning my own house (help), and organizing the "Summer of Fun" for the kids. If anyone can do it is The Bald Woman!!! Good thing we have a few vacations planned huh...I am sure those will make for some funny posts too! Let the summer begin................

Relay Recap

The Bald Woman has had another crazy busy weekend going. I am surprised everyone is still sleeping and I have time to write this. I will be whisked away to housecleaning in a few short minutes so time is of the essence...

It started with the Relay for Life. It was lots of fun being around so many positive people that want to see this disease gone. I saw no other baldies out this fine evening but Bald Woman represented for you all don't worry!!! The Bald Woman and myself are becoming more like one person everyday. My wonderful family came down to support the cause, my doctor was there nurses, my favorite front desk girl, my favorite hairdresser, and even my support group and work out ladies. It was fun. On the survior lap it was almost hard to keep a few tears out of my eyes. I think it was walking around and everyone clapping for us. I just remember thinking, "I haven't even done anything". Most people that know me would assume I was in my glory...I mean walking around and people just clapping for me taking pics...really it is this small town gals dream! It was weird though becasue I was amoungst some real heros. One woman next to me had been a survivor for 37 years. That to me deserves a round of applause. I just try to imagine what her treatment was 37 years ago and how horrible it must have been. People like that and the advancements in treatment have made it much better for us now. To be walking with them is an honor.

The highlight however for me was the luminary lap. All lights went off and each person affected here or passed on had a lighted bag. They also spelled out the word HOPE on the bleachers. Those of you who have gone to this know that there is a lap of silence too....that is when this Bald Woman started to get worried. Silence and and my children (especially at 10:45pm) do not go together. One of my favorite moments from this was my son asking if we could stop walking and go to bed now. He said we could "share a tent with someone". I whispered to him that this was the last lap and he like any happy little boy rolled his eyes and kept going....love him :) My other biggest fan, my 2 year old (who was hanging in pretty well because her super smart mother decided to give her a good nap at 4:00), is shoulder riding at this point. She walked quite a bit but would often lay on the ground and say her "heels weren't working" (turns out she had a blister forming...poor gal) Right before we left she whispers in her cute little voice from her dad's shoulders..."Can we talk to you now???" I smiled and walked up to the car with my wonderful little family so proud that they were there to support me.

Went back again by myself in the early morning while they were asleep and got a great mile and half run in and mile walk or so. One of these years we can try the whole camp out thing....maybe. That would make for a good post I am sure!

The countdown to chemo being over....2 left! Watch out cancer...I am coming for you when this is over!

Happy Places

Well I have calmed down and found my happy place so don't worry about me! I was a bit upset as yesterday's post described! I had my chemo this morning and went to the Well Fit class. This program partners with the gym here and gives patients free memberships to the gym and a trainer 2 days a week. I am very happy to be allowed in this program early (without being done with chemo) I went there right after the chemo ended and proceeded to run out my anger hard with a mile and half run. I got a few hard sprints in too which just helped to melt away the anger! Then I did the circut training for an hour (2 circles through). I was pleased with this hard push today and I feel like a million bucks. Considering I just left the chemo chair....I feel glad that I did it and I think I suprised a few trainers too :) I get to have another mamogram tomorrow (just so the radiation people have a current one- last one was in Dec.) Yeah love them!!!! Oh well this is the least of my worries and I know with a 100% certainty now that I will have done everything to fight this off. I fully believe it is gone now but extra insurance is never a bad thing is what i have come to discover!! I will stand up and keep fighting no matter how many times this dumb disease tries to knock me down. It has no idea who it is dealing with...and now I am mad so my intesity goes to overload. Now I will not only knock you out of me...I will fight you for everyone else too....WATCH OUT CANCER I AM COMING FOR YOU! (and.....Scene)
That is my dramatic moment of the day! Thats a wrap will get back to it tomorrow

HAD A BAD DAY

Anger is all I feel at this moment. I feel as if I have just crossed the finish line of a marathon only to have them tell me...sorry the finish line is 3 miles that way! I was pretty much under the impression I would not need radiation. After today's consult with the rad oncologist that is not the case. Aparrently the studies show that having the radiation after the chemo reduces the risk of it coming back. Me not wanting to do this challenged her with a, "well how much could it really reduce". She informs me 3-4% a year. Being that I am so young (which seems to be the great factor that makes everything about this 10 times worse on me) I need 33 daily treatments of radiation. This will lower the chances of it coming back unless I want to get a masectomy. So now here I am sitting here wondering what the hell to think. Part of me says stay true to my original philosiphy of DO WHAT IT TAKES and do everything humanly possible to keep being here. At the end of the day I will know that I have done all I can to make sure I don't deal with this again. Now the other part says WTF....this is BS and I am done. I am not gaining that much so why spend 7 more weeks of my life on this sh**! The radiation is nothing compared to what I have done already, but I am so disappointed. I just really had the end in sight and now....whatever!! I am feeling defeated right now but I don't know why. I have no reason to. I have kicked this thing pretty hard. It just feels like a low blow in order to go a few more rounds you know! I know what I need to do I am just pissed off that I have to do it. I think I know how this stupid disease gets people.. it wears on you till your just done! I look at my family and I know there really isn't a choice and I WILL suck it up and just get it done. I never promised no complaining. I am praying that tomorrow will be a new day and I will have a better attitude to share. Too funny...song on the tv right now is "You've had a Bad Day"!!!! Makes me smile actually...go figure. I guess we all have them no matter where we are or what our health is. Can't win them all but you can sure try!
Bald Woman's words of wisdom today....Have a Good Day! That's it!

Bald Woman Bares it All

My head...... chill out! After lots of thinking I decided I wanted to take some pictures without my bandana or my hair on. It is like when you are pregnant and you don't want anyone to take your picture. You feel unattractive and don't want to be reminded, but after it's over and you are back to "normal" again....you wish you would have. Having done that twice with both kids before I decided to go for it.

Talk about insecure...wow...I had no idea how comfortable I felt in my ugly bandanas and my cute wigs. I really thought I was pretty secure with this bald woman thing. I look at myself in the mirror every night and know that this is a temporary thing and it too will pass. I look at my crazy Brit pics that I took in the beginning and laugh. I have not really cried much over it apart from a few times in the beginning. I have been bald for 4 months now..this is not a new thing. So why now I wonder, am I so insecure about it. The insecurity is driving me to be insecure about other things too. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. Why am I now comparing myself to everyone else around me?

I think it is because I was never really OK with it. I don't go bald except in my house and that is only at night. I don't like it. Just showing my sister last night while she did my makeup put me in this crazy insecure place. She is just so together. She always looks perfect with makeup, hair, and clothes. Both of my sisters are like that. I got the heaviness, bald head, and no makeup abilities. This makes me crazy even when I didn't have cancer. I know I have other great qualities and all that crap but for once I wish the outside matched what is on the inside! After the makeup was done last night it looked great (probably never going to be able to recreate it myself but looked great). I then just stared at my head and ripped apart everything else about myself. It was weird because I wanted this and I looked at myself and just felt awful with some great makeup! It took until I got there and started snapping pics before I forgot about that and just went with it. I am so glad that Andrea gave me the opportunity to capture this moment. I will love these and have a constant reminder of what is really important and that beauty is in everyone no matter what is on the outside. You have to know that within yourself though before anyone else will. I think because of yesterday's photo shoot I now feel there is a match. I don't think I will walk bald on the streets yet, but I am not really afraid to show anyone either.

I have showed more people in the last week my head than I have the whole time. I wish I was stronger and could just go around without all the fuss, but oh well huh. The middle school girls asked if they could see my head last week on our last day. With some hesitation I decided to go for it. A good friend told me I should use that power with them. (Bald Woman really is a superhero see!) They were a little shocked but all asked if they could touch it and loved how soft my hair was. I am pretty certain that there was a small mark left on each of those girls that day which made it worth doing. I think it was left because they hadn't seen it for four months and without me telling them it was a wig they would have never known. They saw me for who I am as a person not what I look like. They saw that hair or no hair I am still me like or not.

Now after thinking about this a bit more I am ready to forgive myself for not being OK with the bald thing. Who really would be anyway!? It was not my choice. I did not do it on purpose, so considering it was out of my hands....I think I can forgive myself for not liking it. (I never said I would not complain)

Thanks to Andrea for freeing me of my insecurities with this stupid head of mine! Thanks to Keri for making my outer appearance match what is on the inside.
The bald woman learned some valuable lessons today that hopefully will be able to be passed on to young women everywhere.

RELAY cominig up Friday

I wrote this the other day after hearing of the loss of another person to cancer. I have calmed down now but am sad that this will keep happening. I will not stop my fight and I will win, but I will now work my a** off to make this disease a thing of the past or at least take some power from it! Relay for Life is next Friday. Gonna walk till the kids start complaining too much and then go back and run in the morning!!! Should be fun and we have raised lots of money!!! There will be a survivor lap and dinner in which I fully plan to attend and walk in. they have music, games, and even a midnight movie! There will be bands and lots of fun stuff to do as we walk and walk the track. Cancer doesn't sleep so why should we!!!

Why

I am angry and sad right now. I am not sure what else I can do except post it here for the world to see. I just heard that cancer has taken another person from this world today. I am sick and tired of hearing stories of people leaving this earth because of a horrible disease. it is not fair, not right, and shouldn't still be happening. I think I am so upset because it makes this disease seem much more real and powerful to me. I have been very lucky that I have been able to fight hard and have almost won this battle. I just feel so out of control right now. It seems as if we are all out of control and those who don't believe that are fooling themselves. My grandfather had lung cancer and for those who knew him...not a big shocker because he smoked for 60 years. There are others who smoke just as much who are spared of this. Then there is breast cancer what a bunch of crap this is families are riddled with this in there genes and they still get a 50/50 shot at picking up the gene. I have no history anywhere, too young, and did all the "things" they say to do to lower your risk and BOOM... here is your cancer. I am just as 50/50 as the next guy. I am so sorry for my friends loss, my grandfather, and another friend who lost her mother a few months ago. I am just sad now that people are having to deal with this too often. I am thankful it is me and not another (this is not the first time I have said this and won't be the last) Cancer is easier to go through than to watch I promise. Well maybe easy is not the word I am looking for but tolerable...I am scared today not about what I am doing at the moment but what I am fighting. I am like an ant battling a person. I am confident that I will win this battle and ninety percent of the time winning is all I see....today however I was just knocked down a notch and shown the power that this stupid disease can have. It will not take me but I am sooooo sorry it took him and the others that I know. My heart hurts for their families and I pray that I can help knock this thing off our planet

Finish line is in sight now

Today is treatment 9 or 12 on this med. I am sprinting away toward the finish line right now. It has been 17 weeks so far in chemo. I am amazed at how far I have come and will be amazed again when this is all said and done. Talked to the doc yesterday about the plan here in a few weeks when I am done. I have to go have a radiation consult next week to see if that is needed. Unless there is a really good reason or it dramatically lessens my reoccurance rate then....sorry fellas I am done! I have allready decided if this came back I want the girls gone! I will rebuild some new and way better ones with the extra weight I carry in my butt and stomach. (That is why its still there....I really wanted it there just in case) :)
When chemo is over I will have a month off (if I don't do the radiation) and then start tamoxifin (an estrogen blocker) it too will have a nice array of menapause like side effects. I will be checked every 3 months for the next two years and once that bill of health continues to be clean...every 4 to 6 months till the good old 5 year mark. Then every year after that...I am guessing forever. I am also going to get a ridiculously expensive genetic test to see if I am a carrier of gene that is linked with certain cancers. The guess is no (because the family history) but if it was yes then my family members can be tested and do preventative measures if they too were positive. I could also do some other things to prevent future reoccurances.
Overall things are looking wonderful 3 more weeks and this too will be a ride I will never forget! I started a book that I am calling A Year of thanks. Each day I write one thing that I am thankful for (never the same thing too) It is worth a try you would be surprised at what just looking one positive thing will do for you. Try it!
Better go sneak a run in before I go this morning...Have a beautiful day.