New shirt

My wonderful little sister brought me a gift last night that I am so excited to wear next week. She made me a shirt that says "Bald is the new Blonde". It is pink (shocker my favorite color) and silver shiny letters (perfect also). I will wear it and post the picture next week at treatment!! Thanks again sister sister!!

Today hopes are high and energy is medium. I long for the day of matching my energy level to my output level. I managed to work from home for like 3 hours yesterday. Well if a wonderful quiet coffee shop with wifi counts as home. It was nice to begin the process of catching up on paperwork. Going back today to do the same. I feel I am beginning to catch up on lots of life things...trying to organize my life so to speak. I have been in survival mode lately. It is just trying to do basic functions. The last month overall has been very hard (to say the least). There were some serious blows to TEAM HOLLY, but....I feel I will come out on top no matter what. My favorite Sugarland song quote coming agian for you....."You may win this round but you can't keep me down...cuz I will stand back up."

Lots of boxing references in here, but I feel like I am going rounds with this thing. Maybe when this is over I will go learn how to box for real???? Do you think they are looking for a poster person???? (just kidding) I am not sure what I will do on the other side of this thing. I have recently been praying and thinking about what I will do. It has shaken life enough to not know what I want anymore....does this seem strange? I really felt I knew the path and now...I guess when the time is right the new road will reveal itself to me. There are many times in non-cancer life that we wonder...what am I supposed to do while I am here. With the right people put in our paths at just the right times...it is revealed. We still have to make the choices and go down the path. We are powerful and powerless over our lives at the same time.

Please feel free to laugh, cry, or get mad that I have this stupid disease...my personalities and I do them all the time. What I don't want however, is for people to feel sorry for me. Be thankful it is not you and then just laugh at my stupid attempts at humor. If you don't then I will pull the "I have cancer card" and then you will be sorry. (This card is useful to get out of housework, cooking, being late, forgetting things, and so on... fyi for people who have cancer for a bigger response just add a small cough at the end and the possiblities are endless!!!)

My son thinks I should change the name of the blog to the The Bald Woman...any thoughts???

Detox....

What a crappy few days. I have never detoxed or anything like that before but felt like it for the last few days! It was a ride...the worst nausea known to man, chills, sweats, and finally the pain. Felt like I had been hit by truck. Why so bad and glum this time you may ask??? No clue, just lucky I guess! Ok maybe not lucky but ...med free for the second day now so I am expecting to return to my lovely smart a** self in a day or two. That is lucky for you!! That I have to say was the most difficult round yet to date. I will begin my new meds next week. The doc says it should be a walk in the park compared to what I have been on....I will let you know! I hope so! I am fairly certain that almost anything would be a walk in the park compared to this sh**!!

I have to give my loving husband some credit now....I am sure I don't do this enough! I am sooo lucky to have this wonderful man here in my life. I am sure when he signed up for better or worse....worse was supposed to be in like 30 years! I am so thankful to have the love and support from him no matter what my mood, the way I look right now, and the slack he now has to pick up because of me. I feel like he is the rock of this house right now and we all lean a bit too much sometimes and yet he never seems to budge. Thank you really doesn't cut it and i can't wait to start enjoying the "better" part of married life!!

I hope the next 12 weeks treat me a bit better and I hope I continue to learn and grow each day. I think when I am through this and on the other side this will be nothing but a stepping stone to something bigger! I don't think that pain is the only thing that makes you grow, but I do think strength you never knew existed forms when pushed to your max. Only God knows what those max's are so let it be!!

Rollercoaster

This round is posing some lovely ups and downs. I started with the worst nausea ever...right after the chemo this time. New thing...definitely sucked bad. Then yesterday, day 2, seemed fine and was out and about. I even helped clean out the garage (yes supervising counts as help). Then took a nap at 5 for an hour. Then the famous shot kicks in. Other than the feeling of being run over by a truck after running in a triathlon...it was great. Meds are working ok...tomorrow should be back to normal if all goes well. I hate taking 5-7 meds at one time. Spring break is next week and I have work to catch up on so,,,, it all is well in cancer land!!

Why am I awake

Well last combo treatment has been given...it hasn't been near as fun as the last few. Major nausea afterwards even with their meds. Thank you to my mom and sisters for coming with me and taking Miley so I could rest. Now I am on the nausea meds and don't have any of that but if you look at the time 2am is usually when you should be sleeping. Go figure..usually I sit in bed laying and staring at the wall for two or three hours. today I felt like trying something else....You know what is funny when I am laying there thoughts are flooding my brain without stopping, and now I sit here typing looking for what I want to say. This may not even make sense in the morning, in which case, it will be a funny contribution to this blog with some laughs....that was my plan the whole time.

More reasons to love having cancer.....

1. Being up at 2 am without coming home from a great party as my reason.

2. Showers take less time than actually cleaning one.

3. Hair is always fixed perfectly.

4. Get to take naps in the middle of the day without anyone thinking your just lazy.

5. The sounds of kids screaming and dogs barking become treasured moments instead of things that drive you crazy.


More reasons to hate having cancer....

1. Medicine is never fun to take or buy in bulk.

2. Energy level is at that of an 80 year old about half the time.

3. Having to deal with my multiple personalities while on the meds.

4. Feeling hungover wtihout the party.

5. Feeling like a ditzy blonde without the cute hair to go with it.


Well I think i am done. This may of done the trick and hopefully I can now go back to bed. Tomorrow, or today I guess it is now, is a new day. Make it a great one!

Round 4 Begins

Here we go another wonderful spa day! I am more nervous this time mostly because I have seen the power of what this can do and it really sucks! Time will tell....should become easier now they say. At times I really feel like a science experiment. They don't know why I got it and can't really tell me with certainty it is gone. I just pray everyday that the right people come into my path and help make this nothing but a memory. I have faith and have seen this happen over and over...there are no coincidences you know.

On another note, the wigs are becoming a success. I have worn my two nice ones (Felicity and Tori), a green one, and the latest is the Napoleon Dynamite wig. It is getting some laughs at school. I have a few more...I am going to get pictures of me in all of them and make a "Faces of Holly" book at the end with all of them. Should be fun! Gotta go get my cocktail (kind of early here, but like they say "It's five o'clock somewhere"!!!!

The Mountain

This mountain is so high and the road so long
can't see the end of line and can't be that strong

Doubts, fears, and pity as far as the eye can see
storms taking over and getting the best of me

When everything is taken
and your world is changed and shaken

Reflections of your life and time
wondering what it is that makes you shine

The things that once were so dear
mean nothing if end is near

Digging deep into your soul
filling the parts and making it whole

New found strength and understanding
fills the space that fear was commanding

Energy is high and fear is in the past
making this mountain conqurable at long last

When all is said and done and this is finally complete
the view from the top.... will be worth the feat!

Strength

Feeling good today. I am very nervous for Thursday. It will be the fourth and final combo treatment. Then I will start the 12 weekly treatments. I know that this will get easier but I guess I am just hoping that last treatment was bottom. There is always a rock bottom point when you look back at things and I just don't want this coming up time to be worse. I felt last time like I actually had cancer. (This was really the first time I felt that) I should be happy that I haven't felt bad till then, but I think about all the people struggling with this feeling the whole time.
I went to a support group the other day and one of the women said that after she started to feel better is when she realized how sick she really had been.... that will be me I am sure.
There was a time when I had a crappy boyfriend (all you Missouri people know who that was), a full time job, a full time school schedule, and was 2500 miles away from my family. I look now and say, Woah, how/why the hell did I manage that... but you just do. I would not ever want to do it again, but glad I know I am capable of things.
Today on facebook I posted a saying that we saw at the Cancer Center Run. It said...

"You don't know how strong you are till strong is your only option."

I love this for many reasons, but mostly because I think it is 100% true. When everything is taken you have to react. We are all stronger than we realize but we don't always choose the road that will be more difficult (especially if it's our choice). When it's chosen for us we just do it...just do what needs to be done.
A few have said that I am strong or an inspiration. I thank you for saying that but I don't feel like one. I just feel like I do what needs to be done. It is very easy to get caught in the negative. I have done it a few times (especially lately)but I just keep one eye on the prize....my long life!! All of you out there would do the same thing! One thing I do hope that people take from watching or reading this is that attitude is everything. If someone can be happy about fighting cancer then it should be easy to be happy with everyday life, right??? You don't have to walk around everyday pumping sunshine to strangers on the street, but next big crisis ask yourself.... Will this really matter tomorrow or will this matter in a week, month, year, or when i am gone???? ....but I am just another number in this world that is hoping to bedazzle it enough to get noticed!!!

I promised at the very beginning of this adventure 3 things.....
1. I WILL COMPLAIN (MAYBE LOTS!)
2. I WILL LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS EXPERIENCE..EVEN IF IT IS JUST SOME NEW WORDS :)
3. I WILL USE THIS LESSON AND DO SOMETHING GOOD WITH IT AFTER THIS IS ALL SAID AND DONE

I will do all of these things and I will make my mark here.....

Even in Australia

One week till round four....I have to say I am a little more nervous about this round than the previous. Mostly because it took 7 or 8 days to bounce back this time.. I wasn't "sick" so to speak, but just down. I compare it to that feeling you have when you are just laying around one day trying to get motivated to do something....I am sure none of you have ever felt that though, right?! It was that type of a feeling for 24 hours a day for a week straight. It was the most frustrating experience of my life so far. My brain says, let's do this (work, play with kids, get up in the morning) and then my body just won't do it! Weird and confusing and now a week later pretty funny too. It is a mental game and is so easy to move to the negative stuff. Some days you just want to lock yourself in a room and come out the next day when you know you will have a better attitude and day. Isn't regular non-cancer life like that too?? From what I remember, some days are just like that! (It is funny that I say "what I remember" with chemo brain this bad!!)

There is a great kids book "Alexander and the No good very bad day". Alexander is having a very bad day and everything goes wrong. He thinks if he moves to Australia it will all go away. It reminds me often that bad days come and go...."even in Australia"!
(Isn't this what we all think?) If we just go live in our fav place, have no job, more time to just have fun, or have all the money in the world that life will somehow not provide any stress? Is this just our nature as humans? I remember times during this whole escapade that I wished it wasn't me..poor me..why me.. and all of this type of stuff. The reality is however, if it wasn't this than it could or would be something else. We just have to have the hope and faith that we will be guided through and learn something from each experience we have. I do whole-heartedly believe that is what is happening here. I feel different, look different, and probably act different too. You can't not be affected...I am happy (not that I am going through this experience, but that I believe that on the other side of it something greater is waiting)

I realize that I have become so reflective these last few weeks. I can't help it. The humor will creep back in eventually!! :) I am sure I would be much funnier if I only lived IN AUSTRALIA!!

Balck and Blue period

I think I will look back on this period of life and like a famous artist call it my "Black and Blue Period".....This is the time when I have been hit hard in this fight and am black and blue all over. It is the moment in time where I thought about giving up for 10 seconds and then went.......Nope, sorry I am going to still kick your butt!!! Then you see the most miraculous comeback ever....so dramatic huh (totally fitting for me isn't it?)...this is the point when it starts to get good!! Stay tuned.........

Really sick of being sick!!

What is the place between "I can't do this another day" and doing it??? That is where I feel I am right now. I certainly can see how one could get sucked up in the I can't do it mentality. (a few low energy days will do that to you) The funny thing is you think "I can't do this" but you are doing it everyday. Why do our brains try and lie to us about what we are capable of? We are all capable of much more than we realize. I do feel that laughter and good people are the reason I am up most days. Even on my lowest day this last weekend the kindness of people lifted me right back up to where I mentally needed to be (physical is out of control at times). It appears to be a 60/40 deal....60% mental and 40% the other stuff (They are very intertwined though)

I feel like we are all put here for a reason. We pray for things and in ways in which we don't understand we receive them. I prayed for patience many times and to my surprise there was no magic wand granting it to me. If only life were like those fairy tales we all know!! What I was given however was opportunities to practice that skill. Most of the opportunities I failed miserably! What stops us from using these ups and downs that we ALL have in life as opportunities to learn something new or practice something we are not good at???

I am more determined than ever to feel back to normal. I am going through the day to day motions and not feeling too sick. I am wondering why there is no bounce back this time though. I don't understand how I could bounce back so quickly before and now feel like I am dragging a** most of the time. This pace is not not a welcomed one right now. I am using every ounce of strength that I have to fight and sometimes that leaves my physically exhausted for no outwardly seen reason. Why does everyone else seem to understand this but I can't? Maybe I do, I just refuse to accept this as my reality.

Yesterday, I went to work finally after 5 days of being home. I was so happy to be there. The kids seemed happy too. In fact, 4 girls decided to make me posters that were full of hope and inspiration for me. It was so hard to not break out in tears.... seriously! It was thoughtful and kind and totally on their own. It validates many things that I am trying to accomplish at the school.

On a lighter note, big walk/run for the cancer center this weekend. 13 or 14 people have signed up for TEAM HOLLY! yeah! We should have a good time. Still haven't found the pink Brittany wig that I want but I am sure I will come up with something!!
Working on the new item to bring to the "cocktail lounge" next week...we are going to try and brighten a few lives!! Trying not to count days and just make them count (take my own advice for once)...... but getting closer to the end! OYB (oh yeah babe)

Down but not out

Whew...what a crappy few days. It all started Saturday (last week) with Miley and the fever. She had a cold, virus, fever, or whatever it was for 3 or 4 days. Shocker...I got it too. I knew it would happen, but this close to the treatment day wasn't a great combo. I have been out of commission for like four days now. I hate that, but starting to feel like a person again. One day at a time and the wonderful part is this treatment only has one more time to bring me down.
I wasn't able to go to work for a few days but that didn't stop their kindness. I bought the wig (Felicity) a few weeks ago from an awesome lady, Frankie. She showed me some wigs and eased a really hard transition and I am so thankful for that. Anyway the wig got squared away thanks to my sister and two wonderful co workers. Then I get a call from a co-worker and she says that the company I work for has raised money and bought the short haired wig that I was also in love with. I am unsure who contributed to this but wish their was a way to describe how I feel. My whole life I have done things, jobs, and whatever I can to help people out when they need it. I have felt so lucky even in my times of most need that I still have something to give.
Now I am on the other side of this coin and thinking about the kindness of family, friends, and even people who don't know me that well,it brings me to tears. I am humbled by this experience, stripped of everything I once thought was important, and now am being built up again by the love of people. The acts of kindness that I was referring to earlier are being done by me and now being done for me...Talk about full circle. I am thankful to each one of these people (known or not) in the re-building of my new self. I feel lucky to have this lesson at such a young enough age that I can do something differently.
Thanks to any person that has been a part of helping myself or my family in any way big or small. Every single one of those acts of kindness are greatly appreciated more than you even know....
Now for the funnies: My lovely son was looking at my newly 100% bald head the other night. He said my "head looked like my face"...."What???" I said very confused??? Then he said, "it looks like one of the shiny heads that people have"....Still confused I just looked and asked him if he meant "bald??" He said, "yeah but it just looks like your face now" Lots of laughs and confusion here as always!!!

Round 3 begins

Well round three begins with some nice hits on my part.
I not only have now got myself up to and running my regular 2 mile runs again (Yeah me,) but I got the go ahead from the doc that I can do a 10K by summer and even try the half marathon (if I train right). I have to be a bit more careful and maybe run slower, but who cares. She then told me of a man with a worse cancer than I have on his low week did a triathalon. He ended up in 3rd place. Talk about inspiration!! I am super excited to start training again, what a distraction! The other good piece with that she said was running naturally stimulates bone marrow and that will help my blood counts too!
The second and probably biggest news/hit of the day was that chemo is shortened by a whole MONTH. Originally, I thought (maybe I was confused or maybe it just changed), I would have 6 rounds of the two harsh meds and then 12 weeks of a taxen family drug (which the type was undetermined at that point due to the re-test being out still at the time). Then after chemo we would go from there. NOW.....I am having 4 rounds of the Nasties (which I get every 2 weeks) and then 1 time a week doses of a way less harsh drug for 12 weeks. The second drug she said will have less nausea and vomitting or need for the meds to control them, hair will start to grow back thin (and fully when done), and will still be tired a little (no biggie). Those two rounds of nasties that are now out just pushed my completion date to JULY 1!!!! Amazzzzing news!

While in chemo yesterday, I handed out presents to the patients in the cubicals. It was a fake daisy style flower with a spoon and two hersey kisses wrapped in it. The middle schoolers made them. I wrote out 30 cards that said who it was from with a quote on the other side from Muhammad Ali "Don't count the days make the days count". How fitting for a chemo patient huh! Look at me I am still day counting (Only because those days changed though)!! They all seemed surprised and greatful for the gift. My hope is that one person that was having a rough day will have changed because of it. We are going to try and bring something everytime I go there...so we'll see what happens. No matter what it made me feel good to do something for someone else.

Really tired today, I slept about 2 hours then about 3 hours later slept another 3. I HATE these meds. They make me stay up all night and now all I am going to want to do today in the day is sleep. Pretty hard to do with a 2 year old diva and 5 year old smarty pants around! On the bright side it is only a few days of this and then back to normal. Then on the brighter side, I only have one more of this treatment left! I have to go get my favorite shot today too, uhhhh! Wow very complainy today huh! It must be because there is no sun today and it is gonna rain... oh well. A wonderful friend will be bringing me a Starbucks soon to brighten that day so...:)

Song of the Day: MJ's Man in the Mirror!! Love it and watch it 4 times a day on the DVD because my kids are obsessed. Still a good song and I wish we could all be the change we wish to see!

Late round Hit

Well, I was hit with a low blow in the late 2nd round. I was rolling along just fine, confidence high, and thinking "I've got this" when a late hit took me to the ground. My hair (well the little I had) was hurting. Everytime I touch it, put on Felicity (my wig), put on a bandana, or even just sitting there it was hurting. It is the equivilant of a million tiny needles on top of your head! Sounds like that Hellraiser movie with that needle head guy!! That is really the way it felt.
I decided at this point, that the half inch I was hanging on to was not worth it. Oh yeah, did I mention in a matter of 4 days the whole sides and back of my head were completely stipped of all but these little blonde hairs? I looked rediculous!
I asked Josh if he can please just get rid of it all...you know that band-aid analogy from before. He starts shaving it down. I was fine...at first. Then pain hit at an all time high. I am unsure even to this day which was worse, the physical pain of my hairs or the emotional pain of the 'this is really it you are sick' feeling that I had. I was so calm and cool through all of the other times (cutting it short, cutting it to 1/2 inch).
I think it was a mixture of this:
1. Pain (it hurt more than anything that has happened to me so far-surgeries included)
2. Emotional plunge (I have held myself together pretty well through this process. I try to look for the greater good in all of the caios, but not this day. Every negative emotion came in like a tsunami and just decided to not only wash out but destroy every positive thought I ever had)
3. Vanity (I am not really a very vain person-I don't think, but this was it. I looked like what I would consider a train wreck. I still have some hair on top because it was too painful to take off completely. I have moles all over my head that I never knew about. I looked in the mirror and forgot-for a second- that I was a woman!! Very depressing...
It was an all time low to this day. It was pretty much in effect the whole day. Now we all know that life doesn't always stop to let you have a bad day, so I cried and cried hard alone there in the shower. I cleaned myself up and dried my eyes and got my game face on for the rest of the day. When the day was done I was emotionally drained of everything. I felt like a sick person for the day- self pity, self doubt, and even some anger about what was happening. I felt like everyone was staring at me in that stupid bandana and looking at me like "Oh poor thing".
Now I am telling you this now, several days later, because I am over this low. I did feel all of those emotions on that day, but today like I always say is a new one and we choose each day how we will be. Like the turning of the page in my life's book that day is gone and I am not going to look back!

A very intelligent woman I know once told me that "Having bad days isn't failure...it's moving your furniture into your bad days and thinking that is where you have to stay that is the problem." (You know who you are...if you are reading this thank you for another great piece of advice and a wonderful quote to live by)

Music is a huge piece of why I have been able to tackle many of lifes ups and downs. It has helped me through numerous problems. I listen to it or sing it and feel calm and centered again. Some don't understand why I need to listen to the same depressing song over and over. For me it isn't depressing it is a way of feeling whatever it is at the moment and acknowledging it, feeling it, and then eventually letting go. There are many older songs to this day that when played remind me of periods of my life. I not only have a book of my life but a soundrack and maybe one day a movie!!! :) There is a particular song by Sugarland that has some new meaning so if you get a chance check it out.
It is the last song on the Twice the Speed of Life album "Go ahead and take your best shot. Let her rip give it all you got. Lay down on the floor but i've been here before. I may stumble yeah I might fall. Only human but aren't we all. i might lose my way, but hear me when I say. I will stand back up, you'll know just the moment when I've had enough. sometimes i'm afraid and I don't feel that tough, but I'll stand back up."
anyway check it out!! Gotta go. Round 3 starts on Wednesday...wish me luck!

Random Acts

Ok so everytime I have gone to get my treatments I have seen many others enduring the same fate. Many, not all, of them appear to be sad (or maybe just sick). I have a new plan for next week for these folks. My middle school kids and I are going to make them a little present. Nothing lavish or costly but something that comes from the heart to hopefully brighten their days. We are going to make the paper roses with a hershey kiss in them and attach a little card with one of my favorite quotes by Mauhammad Ali "Don't count the days, make the days count." My hope and goal in this is to obviously bring a smile or hope to some of these other people that for whatever reason have lost that. The other goal is work oriented, sorry. I want these teenagers that I see daily to feel empathy for others, care about someone they don't know, and know how it feels to do a random act of kindness. I hope that each time I go and have treatment that they will help me to bring something to those their to lift their spirits. When you have cancer their is no better medicine in the world than a smile, so my goal is bring at least one to everyone in that room. If you have any ideas I would love to hear them...

Round 2 Results: HOLLY again

Wow, that is all I have to say. Round two got a little nastier! It had some blows to the head (literally) that about knocked me out..........but you know me that is not gonna happen. I had some good punches back too though, like the recreation of Brittany's hair loss... my new wig (or cranial prosthesis-sounds cooler), Felicity is her name....and who could forget all the acting I still have left with the old Halloween wigs. Really my fun is just beginning. SO...Take that cancer your big blow to the head that usually knocks people out alot harder only phased me momentarily.

It still amazes me that one day I can barely get up off the couch and then a day or two later feel as if nothing has happened...It is very unexplainable. It really makes me feel so lazy and unmotivated at the time. I then think, maybe that is the lesson I am meant to learn in this whole process, slowing down and taking care of me. What a great lesson for real life too, if today is a bad day then tomorrow you will always wake up a start a new one. We also all have so much power over ourselves and our perception of things. When things go wrong, which they will from time to time, it really is about the way you look at it. I challenge anyone today to take your biggest problem of today and try to find something good in it....is it a lesson you need to learn, is a new way to view it, is it about someone else and their lessons to learn. It isn't easy and takes lots of practice. Just try it a few times and see how your attitude changes with it! What do you have to lose?

The cocktail lounge last week left me more tired for a day or so longer, but no headaches (thank you new meds to counter the old meds). You know finding the right balance of pain and floating head syndrome (that is the feeling i now have for a day)is an art. Maybe by the last round I will have figured it out but that is always the way isn't it!
This round was a good one but clearly the winner here is still....HOLLY!
***I know that I spell things wrong and have numerous grammatical errors but I have chemo brain and can't remember to go back and fix them. sorry!

Just another breaking newsflash: My right boob and I have been in counseling since December when it tried to kill me and I am happy to report that we are on the path to working this out. It is very hard for me to just forgive and forget what she had done but with the help of skilled professionals we may be able to get through it soon. I think she may have learned her lesson with all the scars and surgeries she now has permanently because of this attempt on my life. Just pray that we can work it out soon! :)