Motivation

Why do we keep moving when are so tired? What makes you take that final step or continuing to push through the difficult? We have so much more control over our head than we give ourselves credit for. We can push through some difficult obstacles if we believe in ourselves!

I have a bucket list. It is very long packed with  a bazillion places to see and things that I want to to do before my time clock expires. The fun of the bucket list is not really knowing how long that you have to complete it. It kind of motivates you in that way. Its a race against an imaginary clock and for a competition junkie such as myself....LOVES!!!  One of the items on this list is to complete a Triathlon. Now those who know triathlons know that they range from easiest to hardest. I did not specify on my list which I would do. I just wanted to say that I am a triathlete and I wanted to beat some others in a race. I know that I am not the only one to complete one, but the thought of swimming alone freaked me out let alone combining that with 2 other activities in succession....yikes. (or so I thought!!!)

I have been training since Octoberish for this feat. Oh it has not been the easiest of mountains to climb. I started small, and each week some voice in my head told me to push a bit more, and I did. It told me to go a bit harder, and I did. It told me not to quit (and oh boy have I wanted to at times), and I didn't! The motivation was from within (and of course a few fam/friends) to KEEP PUSHING. It has been tough and my plans to complete a triathlon have changed a bit. The race I was going to enter, I am now unable to do (long story) and so I sat thinking....Do I need a race to prove I can do this? Would I still be able to check it off my list if I just did it on my own?  This bucket list item started out to be about the race and along this training adventure I have been on I realized that it had nothing to do with the race. I put this item on my list because I thought it was difficult. I thought there is no way I can do that. It had nothing to do with a race and EVERYTHING to do with the voice within me! I wanted to accomplish something that initially I said I can't do!

After 6 1/2 months of hard work and initially not being able to swim more than 1 lap without stopping I can now say.....I AM A TRIATHLETE!!! CHECK :)
I decided that not being able to compete in the race that I wanted to do was not going to stop me from my check mark. I set up a "mock triathlon" at my gym. I started in the pool, did my 1/2 mile swim, changed quickly, hopped on a bike, did spinning/spinning class for 75 minutes, and then hopped on the treadmill for a 5K run! I know I know I didn't actually complete a "real" triathlon yet (in terms of a race against others) BUT what I figured out is IT WAS NEVER ABOUT THEM....IT WAS ABOUT ME!!! So if I am able to complete a race against others it will just be frosting on a great cake! I am proud of my accomplishment this weekend because I told myself that I would beat this thing....and I totally did it (sound familiar....CANCER???) !!!

I would like to take a brief moment now to thank that ugly beast named cancer for helping me to see that I am capable of really anything as long as I want it bad enough....WATCH OUT WORLD BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS NEXT! :)

So to all of you out there struggling with that voice in your head....tell it to take a day off and go out and do what it is you have been telling yourself that you could never do!!! You will be amazed at where a little hard work and some "ME" MOTIVATION will lead you! YOU CAN DO IT IF YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT!!!! GO GET IT :)



Oh by the way, some may be wondering what is next on my list.....Portland Marathon!!! (yikes I know, but its been on my list since I finished chemo and its time I run a race that will remind me very much of my cancer battle!!!) 
What is on your list???? (you can comment below if you want to share) :)

Apparently I am human....

I am a survivor of a disease that kills people on a daily basis. I have seen it over and over. Lives have been cut short and families turned upside down. I have been very open about my journey and all my thoughts after the journey ended. I will be honest yet again.....I often wonder why I didn't die. Hold on don't freak out I am not saying I wanted to die or anything. I am just still plagued by the question of why am I still here???? There are so many women, men, and children leaving this world before their time and I wonder why am I still here??? I have to believe that I am here for some business that is unfinished, right? well my purpose here is yet to be known??? I am thankful that I am here and I honestly strive to make a difference in this world each day that I am blessed to open my eyes. This really is how I live....most of the time.

Today, however, I lost it. I feel as if I have failed a BIG test. I had the chance to prove that I am thankful yet again in the worst of situations, but I FAILED. As a girl who absolutely is driven by competitions I can't forgive myself for breaking down today. Stress has been building in my head for a long while, with the job loss of my husband over 7 mo ago, work, kids, and general life problems. Today I threw a tantrum of sorts and giant pity party. I lost it.....yelled, cried, and completely forgot about all I have to be thankful for. I have PERFECT HEALTH, 2 absolutely amazing children, a husband that has been next to me in some of the worst situations, and a family that is ALWAYS a phone call away. I am telling you this now that my freak out is over because I know many of you out there believe that I am always soooo positive. The truth is most of the time...I AM LIKE THAT. I really do try to find good in everything (literally everything) and I really do work hard to live a purposeful life. there are times I guess that I too am human and have moments when I too need a cheerleader. Today, lucky for me I had just that, a mom and grandma to put life into perspective. Apparently I am human....don't tell anyone. I kind of like everyone thinking I am some superhuman incapable of feeling negative emotions...lol!

I AM a survivor though and I live like one.... I know I am capable of the most difficult things as long as I BELIEVE in myself first. I am going through hell right now, but tired or not being a survivor of cancer has taught me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will win. I have climbed much greater mountains than this and I still have this life to live so for me to waste it being upset about the things I cannot change! I can do anything and I really should have the "I'm a survivor" song playing as I walk down the streets.....wouldn't it be awesome to have theme music!!!!

Writing is my balancer these days and I have not been doing enough of it lately so hopefully soon I will get back to the weekly posts....no I WILL get back to them! There it is out there now so I am committed!  Gonna see a little change up for the BW (bald woman) diaries....got some big plans to come!


Just on  a side note....3 years ago today the world lost a wonderful man, father, and grandfather and I will forever miss my grandpa. I learned the true spirit of family from him and I will never forget the wonderful memories I have of him. He will live on in our hearts.... until we meet again ;(