Trip of a Lifetime Part 2

So the day finally arrived and I was ready for this adventure. I was nervous, excited, and everything in between.
The flight was long. I am pretty sure we were on airplanes for about 14 hours. We finally arrived in Athens around 1:00 in the afternoon. I was surprised when I landed because my first impression was....it looks like the desert town I live in. I was wrong, that was just around the airport. We waited for a little while at the airport for our tour group to arrive. We had a group and off we went to the buses.
Our hotel was just outside of Athens, and it did not disappoint with the view! We walked in to a tiny European bathroom and small room that had an amazing view! I looked at the sea everyday as I woke up and went to bed. Water calms me and so this was an added bonus.  We made our way the next morning down to the beach for a nice run down the coast line. It was beautiful weather and worth getting up early to go.
We went to the Acropolis....wow! I was really speechless (which is difficult to do). We walked through the ancient ruins and listened to our knowledgeable tour guide share the history of this amazing place. The Acropolis is crazy, it is a 2500 year old ruin surrounded by the 4.5 million ppl that live in Athens. I felt on this day that I was a part of history. In all the history that was shared there was so much fighting and big shocker it was about money and power. Isn't it funny that in 3000 years we have not  changed! I thought about how many storms that building saw, how many wars, how much creativity and worship, and how many difficult times in history that it faced. It is still standing, not all in one pretty little piece but it is there. It is a reminder of the journey that has happened. If only we were all so lucky to leave a little mark on the world. I wondered if they ever even imagined that their work would effect, inspire, and move people all these years later. I left wanting to write, draw, paint, and create something (unfortunately none are my forte but hey I was inspired!).

Then we went to the Temple of Poseidon. It was amazing as well! We got to drive down the coastline which for me is always a treat. It was equally as wonderful to touch the structure that is older than I can imagine. Lord Byron even stopped by many years ago and carved his name into the columns with many other names and old dates. It was beautiful too. The structure is on the top of a point with nothing but the most beautiful sea views I have EVER seen. The water was so clear that you could see rocks on the bottom pretty far out. Again I tried to imagine the people that created this temple and looked out into the most perfect day at sea. It was so calm yet this structure is weathered and tattered. We can only imagine the storms it has seen. Much like us in our own lives, it stands through the good days like this and weathers the  storms that come its way. I felt happy and peaceful upon this rock looking out remembering all the storms that I have faced. I am here too just as this structure. I may not be in perfect condition but I am here. I have stood through the storms and reveled in the beautiful days that have come my way too.  Then we headed down the road to a cute cafe for lunch enjoying this beautiful day and view!

Then there was the whole reason I went on this trip...the marathon!! What an experience in itself that was. First off I believe there were more people at the start line of this race than lived in my little old hometown in Missouri! It was crazy insane for me to see that many people. I was feeling very overwhelmed when I got off the bus at the start line and thank goodness my two new friends stayed with me the whole time!! I also met and took a pic with batman (who came from Mexico to run this race).  I took a picture next the Olympic flame that was lit at the top of some stairs! It was really surreal. They started the race with fireworks, confetti, and warmed up with some Greek folk dancing. It was amazing, and so amazing I was like...do i really want to run now!? LOL The race started and I decided to try out Jeff Galloway's run/walk/run plan so I could take pictures and enjoy this journey. It too did not disappoint. It conserved my energy surprisingly and I felt great the whole race. Now...I say that BUT.....the race was NOT easy! Not even a little. I would say pretty much the first 20 miles were a gradual but rolling UPHILL. Yes I said 20 miles. I am not even kidding. It had breaks that were just enough to trick you into thinking that it would get easier but nope the gradual uphill path did finally make me question my sanity (numerous times)! However, just as I have done in life I pushed through. The entire race was filled with people on the streets (literally the whole race had people outside clapping and yelling bravo). They were awesome and gave out many high fives. There were bands, drums, and dj's playing all types of music that of course I danced to as I ran through. Mile 20 provided the relief I had been looking for and downhill it was from there. My speed picked up and my heart grew happy. Very near the end I started thinking about my life over the last few years and realized that this race was my life! 20 miles of tough uphill work, mile 20 relief  (i win this trip), and then things get a bit easier (still have to work hard, but def easier). I entered the stadium. The stadium that housed the very first Olympics! The stadium that many amazing athletes have been honored in and I crossed the line, looked up and pointed up to the sky, and then thanked those angels that had been with me on my journey and I cried. I have never cried but the hard work it took to get to this finish line (my life at that point) was so overwhelming that I couldn't help it. I was so thankful, happy, and overwhelmed with amazement. Then I hear.... HOLLY....my husband, my best friend in the world, waves to me and it was then that I knew I was going to be ok. Life as I knew it changed. Peace finally was with me. The ghosts and difficulties of the past were gone and I was nothing but happy! We finished off the race with the most amazing soak in the salty Aegean Sea (best part of the day by far)!!

 

 

We spent several more days shopping, eating the wonderful food, and seeing the sights. We even had the last day on an island cruise. It was my favorite place in Greece by far. I am not much of a big city girl liking 4.5 million people, but the islands....oh yes I can do that! They were beautiful beyond words and looked exactly as I had expected.....gorgeous!! We walked around and took 25 pictures of cool doors and architecture. Wonderful trip and made it very difficult to leave. The cruise also had great dancing and music to entertain us on the 3 hour journey home.

 

This really was one of my most memorable moments and I can't believe still that it happened to me. It did though and I thank God daily that I was able to live out a dream and check off my bucket list. I am forever grateful for the friends I made, the sights I saw, and the lessons I learned about myself. I feel different after returning from this trip. I feel that good things are coming my way and just as I did in this race I will keep moving forward to the finish line of this chapter and I will celebrate and move on to the next chapter of my life.

Sorry for the long post but I really could go on forever. If you are ever up for a 400+ slide show of pics you let me know!!

Thank you to all of you out there that cheered us on and supported this journey. I hope you realize that you made a difference in my life! Love and hugs!!!!

 

 

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Trip of a LIfetime Part 1

Well I just returned from Athens, Greece yesterday from the most memorable trip. It feels as if it was a dream and I just woke up to tell you the story, but it was REAL!!! Let me start by giving you a little background if you do not all ready know (if you do know...feel free to skip this part)

If you look back a year ago on this blog I wrote a few posts about checking off bucket list items
First Marathon(Bucket List check off)
checking off the bucket list
I ran my first marathon post cancer to check off some items off a bucket list of things. It was amazing as you can see. Well what didn't get into this post is that I went to the marathon expo. Now really this is not that big of a deal and that is why I did not put it in the post....boy was I wrong!!! I strolled through the expo getting samples of gu, new shirts, trying on the latest and greatest shoes and then I noticed that in the corner was a famous marathoner, Jeff Galloway, and always up to meet an inspirational person I went over to the corner. He was visiting with another expo participant about marathoning and I waited and waited just to say hello. As I waited upon the table there were sign up forms for a FREE TRIP TO RUN THE ATHENS MARATHON. I stood there waiting and remember thinking...Yeah ok that sounds awesome and going to Greece, Wow, soooo I put my name on the paper, literally NEVER to think of it again. I said hello to Jeff and went on my merry way! This was October 2012!!!! (that is me in the middle by the way)

July ish 2013 my phone rings, messages left, and several emails received.....LIFE CHANGED THAT MOMENT!!! Mr Jeff Galloway's office was calling me to inform me that I, little old Holly, had been drawn out of the millions of entries over the last year and HAD WON THE TRIP TO ATHENS TO RUN THE ORIGINAL MARATHON COURSE! After weeks of believing it was a scam I finally realized that this was no scam it was actually coming true! Amazed, blessed, and completely dumbfounded I accepted this opportunity of a  lifetime and was on the road to Athens.
Now let me give you a "quick version" of the back story prior to this trip.....I had cancer (obviously hence the name of the blog).   Then within a two year period life really got difficult. My husband lost his very very good job in a mass layoff of workers 2 weeks after I had quit my job to live a dream and be a stay home mom and run the charity. Then, my dear sweet wonderful grandma passed away and became my first angel. The friends came next. Within a week of this another dear old friend lost her battle with cancer of all things. A few more friends lost their battles months after that to the stupid beast cancer. At this point I was feeling very close to rock bottom of emotions. I felt like I was continually getting kicked in the face as I laid their on the ground crying. Then, then final straw came along. Only 6 months after losing my first grandmother, my last grandparent remaining here on earth and one of my best friends at the time left me as well. My other grandma who I had just had a glass of wine with two days prior left too. I was done. I hit the bottom of the hole. I checked out of life to live in a very sad place for a while. Luckily the sad eventually lifted, but only after a long road of soul searching and running! Running became my ONLY thing that I had control over. There was so much taken that I felt I had nothing left. My never ending faith and my family/friends is the only reason I am through this mess today.
Needless to say winning something, being GIVEN something, just felt like a welcomed change! I was excited and ready for adventure. Then reality tried to kick back in as this was only a trip for 1!!! With some encouragement and support from my great friends I decided to spend the next few months doing ANY odd jobs and asking for help to live this dream. It was a tough road trying to raise the extra money to bring my BEST friend, my husband, but I did it! We got all things in order and prepared for a life changing experience......and it did not disappoint! This trip changed my entire life!!!

Trip of a lifetime to be continued.......

Silence

Silence is something I struggle with. I don't like it. I fill my days as full as possible, can't ever sit still, and purposely put more than enough on my plate so I will never be empty.
I am sure many can relate to this busy moms problems. I never get breaks of silence, but when I do I fill them quickly with something else to avoid it and then become frustrated when I don't have any me time. Humorous isn't it! I am not sure why I do this. I have just been sitting here on a rare occasion with no kids or husband, my workout complete, and working later today. I don't even know what to do. When I sit in silence I think (well I think 24/7 but I think about me I mean). I now sit here in the silence analyzing every decision I have made, friendships gone astray, my struggles seeming to never be ending, my families health, and what have i done with my life. I have been given a gift to be here on this earth. I was given a chance to change things and there are days I feel I don't live up to that high expectation I have placed upon myself. If I am only here one time why don't I do more?? Why can't I just find what it is I am here for?? I often wonder if these are problems of everyone. Maybe?  This kind of silence is brutal and probably why I avoid it.
When I run alone out on a trail I am in silence. The same thoughts race through my mind but there is a release out there on that trail that doesn't happen when i sit here thinking. That must be why this blog is still so important to me. I don't even post all of the things I am thinking.  Can you imagine how long it would be!!? Since cutting way back on my training due to injury and trying not to re-injur myself those great moments have been taken from me.
Silence is hard for me but silence is good for me. It gives me a chance to think of all my inadequacies, my strengths, and my gifts I have been given. When I use the silence to focus on all my things I wish were different I have just wasted the welcomed break in the day. I often think my purpose is to do something huge and grand but maybe just maybe that is not it at all. Maybe I just need to sit in this silence and listen.

 

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I may be in, therin to be content.
-Helen Keller

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For Kellie

Thank you to Danni and Lizzy for writing this amazing song!


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=725482594135015&l=2510060511766981008


RIP tribute to my beautiful friend Kellie

365 days

Dearest Nanny,
It's been 365 days and I feel the same. Its like I have hit the replay button and can't shut it off. That was the worst day of my life you know. It was the day when my heart shattered and my life would never again be the same. It is a day burned in my mind that left a massive scar that although now closed will forever be with me.
367 days ago I hugged you for the last time. That is the day I wish was replaying in mind. I often think of what words I would have said if I knew somehow that our time was coming to an end. Would I have hugged you longer, refused to let you leave, would I have said I love you more, or would I have taken 150 pictures to remember....maybe? It's not the words unsaid though...its the kick me when I was already down kind of unexpected blow that hurts the most.
There are many people that say with time this will get easier. They are wrong you know. It doesn't get easier but at some point you have no choice but to live your life. That is probably where I am today. I live my life, but constantly think that I need to pick up the phone and have you over for dinner, tell you a great story, or share news with you. I think of you almost every day still. I still cry. Is this normal??....365 days has done nothing. I am functional now but no happier.  I have to drive by that stupid apartment each and every day. Most days I don't even look but occasionally I just burst into tears. Then know how mad you would be if you knew I was crying. You'd tell me..."oh love stop it right now. don't cry about bleatin old me."  That makes me laugh for a moment. It hurts though. I know you are happy and on a small level it comforts me but I can't help but feel cheated. why couldn't I have had a little more time? How selfish huh. I know I know.
I think the problem really is that I truly realize that NOTHING is forever and NOTHING is a guarantee in this life. I knew this when my own life was threatened. I knew this when an amazing job was ripped out from under us. I really learned this when one day I was hugging you and telling you how much I loved you coming over for your mouthfuls of wine and then two days later I am staring at a shell that was once so full of life.
I know you are dancing everyday with your true love and I want to thank you for the amazing example of how love truly conquers all obstacles. Better or worse, sickness and health, richer and poorer. You were a prime example of what I aspire to be.
Well I will be sitting here today drinking my wine toasting to you and will make a nice batch of sausage rolls because that is all I have left... that and the memories. Please put in a word to the big guy that I may need some extra hand holding today. Its going to be a tough one but I will put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward....or I may stop a while and just think about how one day we will meet again. Until then I will try to be thankful for the 33 wonderful years I was able to have you in my life.
I love you and I miss you EVERY single day! Cheers to you all up there dancing away!
It's been 367 days since I hugged you so today I will try and hold that memory a little longer.

I am missing you today .......for my nanny :(
I wrote this last year





They ask me how I am doing and I smile and just say fine
I don't have the words to say what's really on my mind

My heart just feels so broken and shattered there on the floor
I can't see how it will be the same it's so different than before

Flashbacks of the good times are haunting me day and night
I wish to God I could turn back time and make this all alright

I hide my pain behind a smile and pretend so they can't see
they all think I am a rock but I am just as weak as weak can be

My days consist of sadness and pain beyond compare
I go to the phone to call you and forget that your not there

I begged and pleaded and prayed today that it was only just a dream
but woke up today without you here and I can't help feel its just so mean

I am alone in a room but surrounded by all those who care
but their words just don't change the way I feel so I just sit and stare

They say that time will heal all wounds and this pain will soon subside
but they don't know what I see, each time I close my eyes

I know your up there dancing and happy with your love
but please look down from time to time with love from up above

I will keep moving forward but today its just too hard to do
so I will stop and sit awhile and think of the good times I had with you

3 Little words

When you hear the 3 words, 'You have cancer', it truly is a whirlwind of emotions. I often talk about the after effects of these 3 words. It amazes me still the power that these words have over us. They stop us cold in our tracks, they tear apart families, and they strike fear in most who hear them. The reactions vary from sympathy, pity, fear, even complete chaos.
When the person hearing those words makes the CHOICE to have faith, well...that is when things start happening. It is easy for us all to say we have faith but when you are hitting the point of wanting to give up... what would you do? Many will give up, many WILL fight, and many WILL have faith in something bigger than themselves. It is YOUR CHOICE!
My faith has taken me through some of the darkest times in my life. I have been tested over and over again my resolve to be positive no matter what and to have faith in God's plan. I  have not always been successful in the tests but one thing that never changes i get up and try again each time. Many of us struggle each day with the challenges in our lives and we tend to only focus on those challenges that we have. It is like we are in a tunnel of pure darkness. In my last marathon this actually happened and it really is a great analogy of life. I went in the dark tunnel with nothing but my tiny light on my head. If I stayed with others like me, that had the same plan, there was more light. We together were able to shine more light. Then just as you thought...'this is scary in here and how long do i need to do this' there it was a dot of light. As we continued down our difficult path of rocks that could make us fall, darkness, water dripping, and cold temperatures we see this light. It grew and grew. We pushed and pushed and then finally there it was light. We run out of the tunnel to the most beautiful WA scenery. For the next 23 miles I was thankful for the beauty but thankful for this lesson. Never lose hope, never stop moving forward, surround yourself with people that have inner light, and never give up on yourself! You are capable of WAY more than you give yourselves credit for.
All this being said today is the day. Anxiety, fear, and stress all hitting me like a truck. It is the dreaded 4mo check up!!! I have almost made it 3 years free of cancer but this day makes me feel as if I am hearing the 3 words all over again. Last time I felt no different after I heard the words than before I heard them (well physically that is). Each time I go in feeling as if I am going to fail an exam. Here is the thing, the 3 words change your life when you hear them, but they are scarred in your mind for the rest of your life too! I have many scars from this journey I have traveled and each remind me daily of the amazing things I have accomplished. Yes, I still have anxiety, but bottom line the 3 words have already been spoken, so there is nothing left to fear. I will live to help others, I will live to make a difference, and... I WILL JUST LIVE. I will not go through life being afraid to try something. I will live each day the same as the day I heard the 3 words for the first time. It does not change just because the 2nd word is different. YOU HAVE CANCER or YOU HAD CANCER....live no different. Just don't forget to enjoy the beauty that surrounds you EVERYDAY! Be thankful each day for something :)

Now...wish me luck that that pesky 2nd word stays at HAD!!!!
Off I go :)

The Walker

I feel that angels walk the earth everyday. People change our lives every day without realizing they have even done anything. It could be a smile, a wave, a random act of kindness, or holding a door open for someone. We are more interconnected that I have realized. People come in and out of my life daily that impact me in such a way that it changes my mood, or my day, my entire year, and even my life. All of you I am certain by now know that I am a bit of an analyzer. I am always looking for connections, always looking for reason, and attempting to make sense of what has happened to me in order to not continue to make the same mistakes. I love my mistakes and I make a lot. They all teach me something about myself that becomes helpful in another time.

We as people hardly ever tell people when they change us (unless it something big). A few weeks ago I realized that the smallest thing that someone was doing had become something so big to me. Many know that my life this last year has been a challenge. I am running a race and unfortunately am not allowed to know how far or when I can stop. As you can only imagine it is a trial. I am tested daily on my resolve to be patient, kind, positive, and grateful. I have not successfully done this the entire time but each time I have been knocked down I have slowly but surely go back up. this last knock down however, I decided I didn't want to get up. I was done and I was going to quit this race and just lay here....that didn't last long though. The wonderful thing about my life is that I have the most wonderful friends and family around me that hold their hands out and pull me back up. They can't run the race for me but they are there the whole time to cheer me on and make sure I finish. I know they all know how thankful I am for each of them being in my life. I also know that when the timing is right that I will be right there to pull them up when they need a hand. We are interconnected, but its not just those we know......

The walker walks past my house almost everyday of the week. He has a cane some days, he wears the same straw hat (unless its snowing), and he walks the same direction past my house daily. Almost a year ago I started waving as he walked past my house. He did too with a big friendly smile on his face. At some point as I drove down the street at the same time each day I began to look for him. His smile and wave made me feel at peace and happy. On many days I swear it was the only happy I had. When my grandmothers passed I began to beg for a sign that I would be OK and almost as soon as i thought it, there he was walking, smiling, waving, and giving me a strange sense of peace. My 5 year old daughter at some point this last year told me that he was an angel. "No, a real one mom", she said smiling. She said his wings were tucked in his jacket. I smiled wishing she was right. I didn't see him regularly necessarily, but each day i saw him it was on a day that I really needed to be reminded that everything was going to be OK. I saw him alot in September when I lost my nan, almost everyday! I smiled and waved in more pain than anyone around me even knew, but temporarily lifted of this burden by this "walker" (a complete stranger who I had never even said more than hello to). I too began to feel he was my families angel. A few weeks back I was sitting there listening to Robbie Williams, Nan's Song (which we played at her funeral and I have listened to everyday since she died) I usually am singing the song but this day was just quiet listening to the words..."You said when you die you'd walk with me everyday......" I started crying and realized maybe she had been walking with me over the last few months. "The walker" walking by giving me a sense that my life would be OK was her! I cried more upon realizing this. Then, I could not get it out of my head that I needed this man to know that he had changed my life. Now, how do I do this without looking like a crazy stalker??? I didn't even know this guys name and what kind of crazy just runs out to the road and hands some walker guy a letter....well ME that's who!! I wrote him a letter and told him the "brief" (well... Holly brief) version of my life this last year and that when I prayed  to know that everything would be OK again there he was. I told him that my child thought he was an angel and that his smiles, waves, and walking had brought me peace after such a horrible time. I told him that I just felt like he needed to know that he really was an angel to my family and a thank you. Now, when you give a random stranger a letter like this with angel talk, prayers and God, your life story, and thanks for something so simple as a smile you have no idea how you will be received by them. I held the letter for 2 weeks and didn't give it to him. I was not sure how, and honestly I was feeling a bit crazy at this point. V-day 2013 was supposed to be the day that our life changed....but it didn't and I was knocked down again for the last (and in my mind) final time. I didn't want to get up again. I was done. I felt that a person could only take soooo much and I didn't have any more hope and no more desire to even try and find it. I think that is what hopelessness is! I was done. The next day I was headed out and I saw the "walker". I had allready told my kids about the letter and as soon as they saw him they insisted I give him the letter. VERY hesitantly,  I grabbed it along with some rice crispy treats I had just made. We drove down the street (in the opposite direction we needed to go) to catch him. I gave him the letter and treats and he said thank you several times smiled and went on his way. Then we waited......I didn't see him for a good week. I was really nervous that he may have felt I was a bit nuts and a stalker LOL.
Today....my doorbell rings and he is standing there with a letter for me. He thanked me again as he told me my letter made him tear up. I cried a bit, said thank you, and hugged him. He then went off down the road walking. I went inside and read the letter. It thanked me for my letter and said our family was added to his daily prayers. He also said that due to some health issues he walks for 3 hours each day and many of those days that he walked by and smiled and waved it gave him a lift to keep going. With tears flowing I read this to my kids and husband. Inside the envelope was a gift (for toys r us) signed "the walker" for the little girl that lifted his spirit, my daughter.  The "walker" changed many of my moods, days, months, year, and now has really impacted my life. It feels amazing to know that each time my prayer was answered..... so was his.

We are interconnected whether we believe it or not. Your actions ARE effecting someone else. Think about that next time you drive down the street, go to the store, go to work, or do whatever you do. Someone once told me that 1 person can NOT change the world but  I BELIEVE IT ONLY TAKES 1 PERSON TO CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!!  Will it be you???