the ride

I imagine life as a roller coaster. It has ups and downs, twists you didn't see, times you go so fast, and times you putter to the top.

This time last year, I was in full swing with my treatments. I was having chemo every two weeks and could not see that far ahead anymore. I have always been a planner so this alone was difficult for me. I had to stop looking into the future and start thinking about the moment. When I sat in my "spa" chair trying to hurry up time I had to keep reminding myself to enjoy the ride. Enjoy the ride you may think....with chemo! Yes, enjoy the ride. Enjoy the needle sticking out of your shoulder with bags of colored medicines that make you nauseous, cold, and irritable. That my friends is real living, and the best thing which i was reminded of the other day is the shots! Oh the shots, the harmless little poke in the back of the arm with the best intentions of "stimulating" white blood cell growth, oh how I miss you! I did enjoy this ride. I enjoyed sitting with my mom EVERY week for 5 months talking, laughing, and watching hgtv. I enjoyed the crazy pictures that we took while there in crazy wigs. I loved trying to make everyone laugh more so they would cry less. They all did alot of that, at first....the mood quickly shifted. what made this journey so special was not the pain, the meds, or the sick feelings. What made it WAS that ride and everything that happened along it.

It has now been 6 months and time has flown by. I used to long for the days to be over and now I am so thankful each time I start a new one. My "old" life I wanted to hurry hurry hurry in EVERYTHING. My whole life was set up around that concept and so when I went through this experience and came out new me....well it just doesn't work anymore. A "new" me has been dropped into this hurry hurry life and well...it's not working. I don't want to hurry hurry anymore. I have spent the last six months feeling like something is WRONG with me and wondering why I can't seem to readjust. This lovely part of cancer is not really talked about....re-entering life! What a ride that has been. From running a non-profit, going to work, raising children, and taking care of my house all of the things that made the first ride so special (the journey) has at times been lost. I now work twice as hard to simplify my life! (I know I know...typing that alone makes me laugh!)

Slow moving or flying through we all have those moments when we want both of these things to happen. Maybe instead of focusing on the speed of the ride we should just sit back and enjoy it!

Believe

Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt

This quote could not be more fitting today (I ALWAYS SAY THAT DON'T I??) :)
I am finally ready to believe that GREAT things are going to happen and now it is time to sit back and watch because it is going to be a great show! This is true for cancer or anything else that you are facing. I have finally learned this lesson.

This time last year my chemo journey was about to begin....I sit here now and try to remember my thoughts and fears of what lie in front of me. It was unknown and the chapter of PRE CANCER HOLLY was over and a new one was about to begin. I NEVER in a million years would have expected it to turn out the way that it did (if you didn't read the journey...don't worry hopefully one day you will in book form) :)

I have learned so much in the last year since that day that I walked into the infusion room. I say it all the time but I will say it again...It is still one of the BEST things that has happened to me (so far...I have a lot of time left). This obviously is not THE best thing but it's up there. That is difficult for some to understand. My theory is, however, if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger! I am still here and better for it. I loved life before, but now I love it and I APPRECIATE IT!

I would never have told you then but chemo is hard! I did not think that while I was doing it but now...oh yeah it sucked. If you can control your mind and your outlook on EVERYTHING...well that is half the battle right there. The rest just falls into it's place. You see believe you can and your almost there!

Today I feel almost like I am in the same boat but a different river. I am closing the chapter called CANCER and moving on to the next titled....LIFE AFTER CANCER. I realize it has been 6 months now but I think your brain needs time to catch up with what has just happened to you. Mine now has (thank goodness..i was worried for a while I would never be normal again) Normal....funny word....Normal is what I make it right? I am ready to move to the next chapter of life and scared in the same way of the unknown but am soooo excited to enjoy the ride this time! If my posts have been more reflective lately that is probably why. I have spent that last 6 months processing what happened the entire year before! Strange, but true!

Whatever it is that you want to do in life, write, sing, teach, or help the world....BELIEVE YOU CAN!

Best of Both Worlds

Nothing beats a hard days work does it? For those of us moms that think we can have it all.....I don't know if we can. Something seems to always be lacking. I feel that I am out of balance about 100% of the time. I am always giving too much to someone and not enough to other things. That is the trade off that happens when you are a "jack of all trades and master of none". It is craziness on a daily basis and many other part time mom/part time workers I am certain would agree. I have approximately 10 jobs only one of which pays me and I walk a line of balance every single day to keep everyone happy. Last on that list is me, but its OK. My dad told me last night that my life is the way that it is now because I like it. If I didn't like it...I would change it. What a simple but true statement. I just needed someone to tell me that they had sympathy. For what though, the fact that I have two healthy kids, have my own cancer free health, or is it that I have everything I said I wanted (job, kids, house, cars, great family). When I look at this I realize I don't need pity. I just need to learn how to say no!
When I was a young girl I dreamed of a career. I dreamed of business suits, lots of money, and corporate parties. That was the path that I envisioned in my life. At 15, I would say who cares about kids or there is always plenty of time for that. I wanted the high powered lifestyle.
I am unsure even now where along the timeline that the dream changed. I just know that I did a 180. I traded the business suits in for maternity pants, the endless money for a middle class lifestyle, and the corporate parties for Chuckie Cheese. At some point that life didn't matter. I grew up with a stay at home mom. In my head that is what you did when you had kids but I wanted it all. When my kids came before I made it up a corporate ladder, life changed. I decided to have the best of both worlds. I stayed home part of the day and worked the other.
Now, we all know that nothing in life (I do mean NOTHING) comes without a price. You just have to determine if that price is worth it. I do have the best of both worlds, however, the best of both worlds comes with more things to do and remember. My memory as you know has been effected. Doctors may or may not agree but I KNOW it has changed. I can no longer speak as fast as I think. I think that is why I like to write now. I have time to think of my funny things about life :)
Now I don't need the best of BOTH worlds. My priorities have shifted yet again just as they did when I had kids. Now I want the best of ONE world. I am sure it will shift again one day, but for now...sorry Hannah Montana, I don't want the Best of Both Worlds anymore!
I am excited, grateful, and nervous for this new adventure, but screams from the morning and chauffeuring kids actually couldn't be more wanted right now.
Today's quote is a great one.....
If it were not for hopes, the heart would break.
Thomas Fuller
I have hopes of watching my kids grow, learn, and make a difference here in this world. I hope I am here long enough to make a dent here. (and I also hope one day I can go to Italy :) sorry had to throw that in there!) what are your hopes?

Nerves

Five men carrying machine guns dressed in foreign military gear decided to come and pull me from my home in the middle of the night. I was taken in the dark of night to a place that looked like a waiting room and told to sit in a chair. They told me that I was going to go to prison. Not like the wonderful Americanized prisons, but a dark and creepy foreign one. I asked if I could at least tell my family what was going on. It was the middle of the night and they would be really scared and worried. They denied this request without hesitation. Miraculously, however, I was able to escape and get to my fearful family and tell them what was going on. I was there mere seconds before those machine gun armed men found me and quickly drug me back to the room. It was there that I had to sit and wait. I was told to wait to see if I was going to be a prisoner or would be released. I sat down angry, sad, and fearful for the worst. Waiting, waiting,waiting......I closed my eyes. I heard a beeping coming from one of the other rooms as I opened my eyes to see where the noise was coming from.......
I opened my eyes and realize that this horrific sequence of events was really only a DREAM.

And that folks is how I began this wonderful day!

I went to the doc today for my 6 month check up and I obviously (as you can see from my dream) was a little anxious! I waited patiently all morning and even made it in to the gym to burn off some nervous energy! The time came and blood was done. I waited another hour to hear the news. Lucky for me.....best news all day. I AM STILL CANCER FREE AFTER 6 MONTHS!!!! This really is the best thing that i have heard all day! Now off to work till 8:oo. Then maybe a nice celebratory glass of wine when I get home.
I am not really afraid to battle cancer again, but I really don't WANT to. It was not fun even though I may have played it out to be. It was exhausting and I didn't even realize that I was until I was done with treatment. I think we do what we have to do. This is no big secret. When your head runs your life amazing things are possible. I never realized how being positive really does CHANGE your life's path. I have experienced this first hand. It is so easy to slip back into old habits and thinking of the worst. Look at yesterday...I am not sure if I will ever be OK with these visits. I will try my best to look around and enjoy the ride rather than focus on the ups and downs that lie ahead. Live in the moment!

I am thankful yet again to wake up this morning to my daughters foot in my face and the alarm going off way too early! The nerves are for nothing on this beautiful day! I am still here and free of this mess, so for today that is all I need.