I am in this wonderful place now surrounded by wonderful people that are happy and having fun. There is laughter, there is playing, and there is endless chatter. Nobody has really noticed or acknowledged I am here at this point but I am happily on the outskirts of this amazing group of people just observing and becoming happier as I watch them happily go through their day. Then someone does notice I am in the room and heads over. Words are said and my heart breaks. I am not supposed to be here. This is not my place. I am not good enough to be here and words that hurt my heart more than I can share. I believe them and decide that its time for me to leave this happy place because I don't deserve to be here. I am only a floor scrubber and that is who I belong with.
I head down the road. It's an old dirt road with literally nothing on either side. Looking up ahead you can see nothing on the horizon. You can see nothing on either side. Head is hung low and I just keep walking and walking and walking some more. At this point I know the boat will be there and even if I was unhappy there I know I still can go back to the boat.
This time on the boat however we are at sea. I am back on the comforts of my miserable boat but it is suddenly caught in the middle of the worst storm with raging waves crashing into the sides of the boat. We are being pushed around, jumbled up, and all on the boat are scared. My husband is there now he is trying to hold on to me and comfort me. My sister is yelling at me but I can't here because of all the noise. I think they are both telling me "Get Out" but I really can't tell so I hold on in the comforts of my misery. The big huge wave is coming now. I look out the window and see it forming. It is ready to crash over this boat at any second..........................I breathe out a huge breath of panic and my eyes open. Oh my goodness thank God this is just a dream!
This is how I woke up several weeks ago. I literally could not shake this dream. Now I have dreams all the time but this one just kept lingering. I could not figure out what it meant if anything.
I have had a rocky path in life. It didn't start that way but in high school I found myself in a relationship that was unhealthy in every sense of the word. At 17 years old, still a child, I was told by a boyfriend who was supposed to love me some of the meanest things you could say to a person. For 7 years I listened to these words not thinking they were effecting me at all. I changed. I changed so much in fact I woke up one day after 7 years or so and realized that all that was left was a shell of myself. This story in itself would take me hours or days to tell you about and that truly is not what this post is about. I just feel its time to stop hiding behind this story and share.It also relates to the real story I will tell you in this post. This is the story......
I am in a personal development group for my business. I am trying to learn how to be more organized with my time and maximize my potential in a day. I am learning how small little steps can take me to huge changes later if I keep at it and stay focused on my goals. I am learning how to make goals and achieve them. I am just LEARNING again and it feels amazing!
In this fab group I am in we have assignments for reading, watching some videos, and a question about ourselves to answer. I am doing the assignments faithfully and really seeing amzing things happen in my personal self that will ideally be reflected later in my business self.
This was my assignment:
http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/6-steps-to-eliminate-limited-beliefs/
Read the article on beliefs and post the unsupportive beliefs that you have been hanging onto....ok done, well not quite! I was reading this article and all of a sudden like a ton of bricks to the face, bolt of lightning, and a massive flood light turned on all at the same time. In reading this article I realized that for the last 12 years I have been holding on to some beliefs that were NOT true. I wrote down the things that my head tells me and the things that hold me back from my job etc. as I did this flood gates opened. I went back and re-read them as I was told to and then was told to think of one of the first times I could remember hearing these types of statements. Then boom brick to the face, knife in the heart it hit me. I was 17 years old again and being told that I was ugly, fat, not good enough at anything I did, and that I certainly wasn't smart enough to be in college.
This is the guy that one day would say how he loved me more than his own life and in the next moment said all of these types of things along with many years worth of other horrible things. Over 12 years ago I let this go. It took a while after we had parted ways to be able to get to that point but I forgave, released my anger/sadness and other emotions and have honestly been wonderful ever since. Moving on and allowing that relationship to not define me was a huge stepping stone in my life and when everything started to go well for me. I have not thought of this time of life in many many years, like 12 really, but all of a sudden I was right there all over. I felt the same in that moment as I did when I was 17 years old.
I had NO idea that even though I had forgave him and moved on with life that I never actually acknowledged or even realized honestly the beliefs that were changed about myself during that period of time. My whole life over the last 12 years began to make absolute sense. My choices, my fears, my self talk, and it was as if I woke up at the moment just as I had from that dream. This time instead of being scared and weak I woke up to the biggest gift I could have been given....CLARITY!
I feel that this was a gift from God and that this was going to be a game changer. I just didn't realize how much till now!
Anyway, so I am feeling like this is the greatest day ever. Just knowing all of this has been a game changer and I am so happy to live different now! I am laughing at this point because I am just so FREE!! Well, unfortunately, the laughs did not last long and they quickly turned to tears.
I head into the shower at this point and when I got out literally out of nowhere I feel a pain in my left shoulder below my neck. As I am getting dressed I feel it worse and worse so bad I can not even bend down anymore. I head in to my room thinking I must have a spot in my back out and manage to get to the floor so I can lay flat and then try to roll it out. Then it paralyzed me for a moment. I could not move, I could not turn any direction, and I had to hold my head to keep it from feeling as if it would fall off my body. Then the pain went down my back and in my jaw and I began to panic. "Am I having a stroke? Am I going to die? Do I have cancer again?"
Thank god my husband was home to help me and calm me. I laid on a heating pad trying to relax it a bit. I actually at this point said a prayer..."Please don't let this be it for me. No way. I am not done. I just figured this out. I want to help people with this. No way I am not going (I am pretty sure this is not up to me lol but I did add it just in case)". Shortly after laying flat trying to relax myself I was able to sit up and take some meds. The jaw pain and low spine pain had subsided but my neck/shoulder was a mess. I went to chiropractor the next night and it felt great to get it back in line. He had mentioned that he had NEVER seen me this bad. I honestly had NEVER felt this way. Now I exercise for a living so I frequent the chiro quite a bit but NEVER like this. After he adjusted me it took 2 weeks for me to finally not feel pain all day in the spot. Each day felt a little better.
Now my thoughts are this....If your physical symptoms can improve with a good attitude then they can certainly worsen with negative energy/outlook. I am pretty certain to this day that for 12 years I stored some deep rooted emotions and beliefs about myself that were NOT TRUE and for 12 years when I got out of my comfort zone that voice would come in. After coming to the realization it was even there I know I will never let myself talk that way again and that stress ball that had been there so long came out in massive pain. It really tried to hang on to me even after I realized it was there though. Now, if you are religious think of the devil on your shoulder telling you all the things that are not true all of a sudden being told he is not allowed to hang out there anymore...he was pissed and hanging on for dear life. That is exactly what it felt like!!
I am thankful to report I am feeling great and working everyday to build habits that support me being kind to myself and knowing that I can truly take on anything.
What a story huh....I just felt the need to share that with ya today! If I help even one person with this I will consider it a HUGE success. If you want to talk more on emotional abuse and what that looks like please private message me or email me. Help is there if you are ready to take it!
Have a flipin fantastic day peeps!!! I love you all and appreciate those of you who read the crazy thoughts of this cancer rockstar!
Remember YOU HAVE NO LIMITS!
