KEEP MOVING.....

We are exactly where we have chosen to be.---Vernon Howard

During my cancer journey, and now even after, exercise has always played a role in my day to day life. When I had cancer, people would think I was crazy to get on a treadmill and run. I think they expected me to sit on the couch, cry, and throw up. I told everyone from day one that I would not be that gal....I consulted with my doctor and when I was well enough to run, I ran. When I was sick or tired I let myself rest. It was the first time I listened to myself.  I wasn't running for fitness or training for one of my many races, but this was running to keep sane. I felt "normal" when I was running. My doctor told me a story of a patient that completed a triathlon while under going and finishing chemo treatments! Wow, I thought, if he can do that...I can work out lightly here and there.  My wonderful local cancer center also offered a WELL FIT program that I attended. This was personal training and gym memberships (FREE to us after completion of treatment). I had my doc sign off on the waiver and entered while still actually in chemo treatments. I remember one day in particular going from the chemo chair straight to the gym, running a mile on the treadmill and then doing 2 circuits of training that day....I even impressed my self that day. All this being said I have come across a great article relating to the benefits of physical activity during and after treatment. Wanted to share this with anyone out there that is diagnosed, in treatment, or finishing treatment.

The article is by David Hass.....Check out more of his work on http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog


Exercise Speeds Recovery and Increases Survival for Cancer Survivors



Oncologists have long urged their patients to take it easy and avoid physical exertion during cancer treatment and recovery, especially following surgeries and complex procedures. This medical advice has been reversed, due to clinical findings of the past decade, that physical fitness plays a strong role in relieving the symptoms of cancer and treatment and improving health outcomes for patients.


The new guidelines, issued at an expert panel meeting with the American Society of Clinical Oncology, recommend 150 minutes of moderate aerobic exercise each week, the same as is recommended to the general public. Though clear on the amount of exercise recommended, these guidelines are purposefully vague as to the type. The panel also urged oncologists to integrate professionally trained fitness professionals into their treatment teams, for the safety of patients.


Including Physical Fitness in Your Treatment and Follow-up Plan


The evidence is clear for people battling breast cancer, exercise helps speed recovery times after operations, helps restore body-image, and aids in preventing the weight gain associated with hormone-based cancers. On the other side of the spectrum, sufficient evidence shows that exercise counters weight loss by maintaining and increasing lean muscle. Managing body mass and composition through exercise is a powerful tool for preventing many other symptoms, including recurrence of breast cancer.

What Types of Exercise Are Most Beneficial?

Ideally, the exercise regimen should depend on the coordinated expertise of the oncologist and fitness expert. It should be monitored and adapted to the increasing or declining physical health of the patient. All aerobic exercise is considered to offer benefits, including yoga, resistance training, and cardiovascular workouts. Specifically, there are a few suggestions for specific situations.


Post-surgery patients need exercise to complete recovery. Restoring adequate blood flow, prompting the body to repair tissue, and overcoming fatigue all rely upon exercise. More is better, so long as it takes place under the guidance of a fitness expert. The American Cancer Society has put together a list of simple exercises to do after breast surgery. Some patients, such as those with advanced mesothelioma or brain cancer, may be limited to range of motion exercises and brief walks.


Some patients are out of shape to begin with. A sedentary lifestyle is a leading risk factor for cancer, after all. The help of an expert on exercise for cancer patients will be invaluable. Talk to your doctor about making exercise a part of your treatment plan.

by David Hass

I am currently training for an Olympic Triathlon (1mi swim, 25 mi bike (i think), and 6 mi run. This, just like cancer, is going to be hard! I know now because of cancer however, that I am capable of things I never thought were possible and ALL of you out there are too! Today's challenge, especially now that New Year's is around the corner is to get out and get active. It doesn't have to be a triathlon but don't let your body control you...YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE TILL STRONG IS YOUR ONLY OPTION....my motto from day 1 still rings true!! Have a fabulous day!!! :)

REMEMBERING THE BIG C DAY...

http://thinkpink-holly.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-time-stood-still.html

This link will take you to my very first post. What a trip down memory lane...I am just reading some of the posts from the beginning again and it is really surreal to read. It feels as if I am reading a book on someone else. I remember all of it but many things I forgot already.

Yesterday (sorry a day late) marks the day in which will forever stand out in my mind. There are only a few moments in my life thus far that I can actually say the ENTIRE course of my life was changed in that moment. This is certainly one of them!

I found out on Dec 22, 2009 that I was welcomed into the club of people that nobody wants to be a part of. What a winding up and down roller coaster of a marathon this last 2 years has been for me and my family. You can't help but be changed. I have significantly changed my "I am untouchable" attitude pre-cancer . My  family is different too. Here is the thing though, when you change you can embrace it or fight it! Having gone through many changes in my life so far, let me tell you fighting it is not worth the energy. I don't mean not to fight the stupid disease. I mean to take each thing coming at you and do your best to find something good out of it. ( Cancer sucks but there are good things about it too....don't believe me, Read the blog posts I made while IN treatment in 2010) They say that the only constant... is change!!!

Today I am sitting here with my hair back and my numerous scars healed and I can only think of one thing.....I AM STILL HERE! That to me is the greatest gift that I can be given.  I work everyday to make sure I am thankful for this gift and that each person around me knows how much they have made a difference in my life.In this holiday season I hope you all remember that life is a gift and you may not have it tomorrow. Would you act differently if you knew it was YOUR last day...what if you knew it was THEIR last day???? Have a wonderful holiday season because you are HERE to enjoy it!!

Just wanted to close up the post with another letter to cancer......

Dear Cancer,
It has been 2 years since you barged into my life.  Happy Anniversary.....You were a very unwelcome guest and still are in my life. You have taken things from me that I cannot get back. I HATE you for what you have done to my family, to me, and to everyone else whose life  you have taken from them way too early. I will not live in fear this year though. The last two years I have lived in the fears that you gave me when you came into my life. Today marks a change. Today is the first day of the new me that YOU created. Today marks the day in which you will no longer receive my fears or my worries.Today is the day YOU should begin to be afraid. I am stronger now than before you entered my life. I was always this strong though but having you come in my life showed me first hand just what I am capable of doing. I should thank you for that because now I know that I can do ANYTHING. I can battle any beast, I can deal with any situation, and I can overcome ANY fear life throws at me. That makes me more dangerous than you! I know you will continue to try and prey on the fears of everyone else but even though our fight may be over you should know that I am not going to let that happen. My mission for the next year is that I show all of those that you have pushed around that they are just like me. They have more strength than they  realize and together....well lets just say you should run now!!! I know that courage is not the absence of fear but just the ability to overcome it!!! Thank you for making me a courageous leader of this battle against you and know that without my fear you have nothing and I have everything. The fight I fight now is for ALL those lives cut short, all the families you have devastated, and those worlds turned upside down with fear. WE WILL FEAR NO MORE!! Happy 2 year anniversary!!!
Holly

Small Town USA

I grew up in a small town. We had 1 High School, 1or2 good clothing store choices, and a Wal-Mart. Being "from" a small town is great. Growing up there...well I can't really say I appreciated its simple beauty. I wanted BIGGER and BETTER and that place just wasn't cutting it. As soon I hit 18, I was gone. I left what I felt was a "prison" in the dust behind my little Toyota Trecel.
When I was 4 years old we had lived all over the world. In other countries, states, and great places. My dad was from a small town and decided to head back there and visit my grandma who was still there. On this particular visit he decided it would be his last "visit" and we moved to Missouri.  I used to ask often why I could not have grown up in California (where we were at right before this move) or England (where we had lived and where my mom grew up) or....well ANYWHERE but here!!  It wasn't till I moved away and had a family of my own that I understood just why my family picked that town.
They picked this place because of the simple charm. There were wonderful old homes on Broadway. There were the tornado's. I know that doesn't seem like a reason to pick a town and I am sure it wasn't, but it is something I miss. The way everything outside turns an Eire shade of green and it is more still and quiet than anything I have ever seen, really is amazing. I miss porch swings and people in their front yards talking to each other. The skating rink where I grew up and spent countless hours playing the limbo and dice game. I miss the State Fair and how the town got 20 degrees hotter each year on that week. I miss going out to old dirt roads and blasting music and having weekend bonfires. I miss how the town seemed to revolve around Friday night football games at JJ stadium. I miss the cold evenings in a cheer uniform drinking hot chocolate and cheering on the team. Everyone looked out for each other. At the time I felt it was an annoyance. Everyone knew everything about you and I wanted to disappear into a city of people. Then there were the greatest "Goober Burgers" in the world at the Wheel In Drive In! Wow do I wish you could still sit a 50's style diner counter and eat a peanut butter burger with a chocolate shake.
There are about a million more things that once made me hate this place that I wish I could have again. It makes me reminisce of a wonderful time in my life where my dad coached my soccer team and everything was simple. I know now just why that is the place where I got to grow up and I could not be more proud to say where I come from. Maybe you just need to go away from it in order to appreciate it? I haven't been back in over 10 years.....The skating rink was demolished in a tornado this past year. The Wheel In Drive In is gone to make the road bigger I think (?).  The roads that so many bonfires were lit are now paved and used. My High School is even no longer being used. It was like the oldest coolest old building around. I know that things change and time changes everything, but I am so thankful that I have the memories from my Small Town USA!!!!

What is rock bottom?

Do you remember the movie "Pursuit of Happiness"? The moment of the movie when the dad is sitting in the bathroom floor crying with his son is one of the most memorable moments of the movie to me. I had that moment the other day. In the movie it his rock bottom. It is the moment when he felt lower than he ever had and the moment in which his life changed. What we know about rock bottom is after it happens.....it always heads back up! It doesn't happen overnight or even quickly but I am sure we can all look back on a time  or two when we truly were at our rock bottom.
I am not going to bore you with the details of my rock bottom moment but tears were shed, hope was temporarily lost, and I felt like I had let everyone around me down. It felt as if that moment was frozen in time never to go away. It is still frozen in time but now as a moment in which my life changed yet again for the better. In the middle of my "moment" that I was having I realized that I had promised a friend I would help with a Make a Wish Foundation party. I had to dress as a princess and tell a little gal she was going to get her wish of going to Disney World. The timing could not have been worse....(or better)! I got ready and was determined to fake a smile for this girl even though I was miserable on the inside. When I arrived at the makeup, hair dos, and dress up were in full swing for the little gals. Their smiles were contagious. For the next hour and a half I was Snow White and I didn't have a care in the world. I feel that I was sent that opportunity at just the right time to remind me how simple life really is. It's not about the money (or lack there of). It is about making people smile and doing that really put me back in balance. That is why I am here. I am here to share stories of my crazy times raising children, humorous things that happen when battling a not so humorous disease, and telling a story. I am a storyteller. I always have been and sometimes it just takes a kick in the butt to realize what you knew all along.
I am moving past the set back that we experienced a few weeks ago. I was given a book the other day that again changed the course of my life. It is called "Heaven is for Real". For those who don't know the last time I read a book was 1999. I know, I know....don't laugh but kids and life have gotten in my way lately! :)   Anyway, I read this book in 3 days. FYI it would have been 2 but I had work to do on day 2 so only got one chapter in. I am not saying this to boast about my speed reading but to speak to the book. It was so good that I could not put it down. What I took from this book was a great story of everyday people. I also took from it that we can choose what to believe but it strengthened for me what I do believe. After reading this book amazing things started to happen. I went out the door one morning to find a basket full of things that were for my family. There was no "from" name on it so no thanks could go out. I am certain that the sender is well aware of my thanks to them though!
Just as when you are climbing a mountain, you have set backs and difficult times, but it is not about the climbing of the mountain or where you are at on it. It is the journey getting there that is really what life is about. Rock bottom is really not as bad as you would think, it just means the only way to go now is UP!

Try Again Tomorrow??

Lets just try again tomorrow.....
These words are coming out of my mouth a lot lately. Nobody said that raising children would be easy, but really do there have to be days like this??
It starts like they all do with tiny hands in my face or  a finger in my eye. I head out at 5am to sneak in the only "me" time I will have ALL day. Off to the gym and home before almost everyone wakes up. My son is the early riser in our house so he usually greets me as I walk back in the door. One check off my 'million things to do today' list. Today is gonna be the day I get all the stuff done at home that I have been procrastinating. I will clean, catch up on quickbooks, and do some organizing. Sick child means productive day for mom.....Right???
My 4 year old little diva has been telling me since the day before that her throat is "burning" and rather than potentially infecting the whole preschool I decided a doctors visit is needed. Her cooperation in the morning is also needed but not given. After I finally get her dressed (I mean this literally because she was refusing to put her clothes on this morning) and my son ready for school we load up into the car and drop him off at school. On the way out the door we see the poor starving dogs need food so....a quick stop at the pet store and we will come home. Nope, they don't open for another 25 minutes and I do not feel like waiting in the parking lot with this lovely little lady with the "fabulous" attitude. Ok so home it is to call the doctor. Appointment scheduled so we will hit the pet store on the way home. Doctors appointment goes good, but no meds because it is a virus. I spend all the money and time to go see a doctor and it's nothing. Well not nothing, but nothing I feel like is "cured" with a single dose of pink stuff??? Ok great so rest is what he ordered and rest is what she'll get.  yeah right, not if she has anything to do with it. Tears were the common factor of the entire day. Tears when we didn't get candy from the stupid pink pumpkin for breakfast. Tears when her mean mother made her put clothing on. Tears when the same movie that was just on didn't get repeated. Tears Tears and more tears. 
Tears I can handle. I fix them all the time with hugs and love, but today I was literally unable to walk out of the room to use the restroom without them. Tears turned to full on screaming tantrum as we picked up my son from the bus. So here I am on my "day off work" actually hoping to return tomorrow. The neighbors got their ears full this afternoon. This tantrum began before we even walked out of the house when I so stupidly suggested tennis shoes instead of pink flip flops. Tired of the drama I gave in on this one and said "Fine but your feet will be really cold". Cold wasn't the issue today though. As we walked to the corner to get my son from the bus we had to take the princess scooter...."really the scooter, I thought you were sick" Ok Fine so we slowly, and I mean turtles moved faster, head down  to the bus stop. Somewhere along that short walk the scooter became too difficult to handle and I was ordered by the tiny princess to carry it. We meet my son and head back to the house. While walking home, her great weather appropriate pink flip flops kept falling off her feet.  Now let me explain something, she has worn these about 100,000 times and NEVER had an issue. Today, they were just jumping off of her feet though. My son and made the HUGE HUGE mistake of giggling about how dramatic she was attempting to be. I mean she could have received a Daytime Emmy for this performance she was putting on. Oh big mistake because the ENTIRE rest of the walk home was filled with screams at the top of her lungs for us to stop laughing, and of course this made it even harder to stop laughing....It was one of my definite TOP 5 Parenting Moments of the Year!! We walk home with smiles and the second we hit my front door my "I am a great parent face" quickly jumped to "oh little girl you are in trouble face". After a 15 minute screaming session in her room she decided to come out and join the world again. She comes out and looks at me and sobbingly says...."But I just love you mom!!"
The rest of the day was pretty much the same. At the end of the day we sat on the couch and snuggled. I asked her if she thought today was a good one. She said "no because I cried alot today." I hugged her and said tomorrow is a new day and the beauty of tomorrow  is that we can always try again! And after a kiss, a smile, and a hug her eyes closed and she was out like a light.
The great day of productivity was over and I had done nothing on the list. I started think about what I had just told her a few moments before. I may not have done anyting on the list BUT....The beauty of tomorrow is though....we get to it all try again!

What you have left

"Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts - it's what you do with what you have left." ~Hubert Humphrey

 On paper I appear to have nothing. Our finances have been cut in half since the layoffs, every bill is late, and I actually had to hold off on important testing for my health because the copay is too high. I am like many others who have been hit by this economic crisis. I don't know and have no way of knowing how long we will have to "ride this out". Yes, on paper my life sucks. Our truck broke down, there are no interviews to the 500 applications that have been put in, and Christmas....well it will be one of those "this is what is really important holiday seasons for us". It will not have tvs and video games. It will not have a tree filled with countless toys to open. It will "that" year for us.
This is on paper. You would think I would be a depressed train wreck right??! I mean all this on the back of a year long cancer battle myself....
I think if it wasn't for the horrible ugly beast cancer coming into my life I wouldn't be able to tell you this.......
None of what I just told you matters! My husband used to go to work at 5am and we would not see him again until somewhere between 5pm and 1am (for ot). He now picks up kids from school, has had a few lunches with my son, and sits at every football practice! Yes every bill is late and I get calls daily for money but we have learned to live much simpler. Christmas will not be filled with tons of presents but we will make sure somehow our children will remember it forever. We are blessed to have this experience and when we come out on the other side the things we gained will make us stronger people. Life may go back to "normal" eventually, but we won't!
When people ask how I am I think they expect a big sad answer and I just don't have that. It is not comfortable by any means in my life right now but being uncomfortable for a while makes you grow right. Think about exercise....I am training for a triathlon right now and my life really is a lot like swimming. If you stop swimming you will drown. Keep moving and slow or fast you will get to the end! That is what we have to do right now too! Keep pushing and this too will pass!!! On my cancer journey I wrote my favorite quote..."keep moving forward" and the same is still true even now.
Today I just wanted to point out as we go through our hustle and bustle of life that life has its ups and downs and how we choose to deal with that makes us who we are! Don't dwell on what you have lost or you won't be able to see what great things you still have left!

What is Unsaid

What would you do differently if you knew your time with a loved one was limited?

It could be a mom, dad, child, spouse, or friend...anyone you care about. Would you be different to them if you knew your time was very short? Maybe you would turn off the TV and just talk for hours. Maybe hike to the top of a mountain and feel like the kings of the world. Or would you just sit and hold hands and talk of the great times that you have shared.....

Would your whole life be different if you always lived with that intention. The great song "Live like you were Dying" isn't that far off is it!? It hurts my heart to see the people left here on earth wishing they could have or would have done something. Here is your chance they are still here today so please go do it or say it! Memories are made with people and they stay with you long after that person is gone.

My point is simple today..... You may not be around tomorrow and neither may they, so don't put off what can be said today!

have a great day :)

Ta-ta tastic!

The month of October I have teamed up with my favorite organization (besides my own), Save the TaTas. They are one of my favorites because they have brought smiles into a world that lacks them. Cancer is hard and it is not fun, but our outlook on things really has a lot more to do with our health than we think. The mission is simple, Fight Cancer Your Way and Fight Cancer together. This really hits home for me because the whole reason my Friends of the Bald Woman non-profit even exists is because of the humor of my now 7 year old son and because I fought my way. I made jokes to the world on this blog when many didn't believe I should be joking. I laughed when many thought I should be crying. What I quickly found was that my attitude not only made a difference in my physical health, but those around me reading and laughing became a part of my adventure which gave them some small piece of comfort.

This October in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month I decided to give you a little reminder of why I am here.......

On December 22,2009 I received my Christmas present a few days early. I got the brand new snowboard that I had been dreaming of, but with that, a big fat breast cancer diagnosis. All I really remember of the day is that I was waking up from surgery, hearing the 3 words that nobody wants to hear, and then asking for Dr. Jonas to take care of that Sammy Brady for switching my test results (Ahhhh, any Days of our Lives fans out there would have got that). Apparently, she didn't and I was left to deal with this diagnosis.

Time in the cancer world seems to stand still way too often. Lets back up to Thanksgiving Day 2009. I was 30 years old with a husband, 2 children, and a dog. I was living the life I dreamed. By a complete and utter accident I picked up a bra strap that had fell on my shoulder and as my finger slid to pull it up it hit a mountain. I felt again and again and again.....it was like there was a golf ball under my skin moving around in my boob. I went in after the longest weekend of my entire life and all signs really did point to no. My magic 8 ball even said no!! I had no history in my family, I breastfed my kids, I did all the things I was supposed to, and I WAS 30! Things like this don't happen to young people like me....or so I thought.

I finished 5 1/2 months of chemotherapy treatments, 6 1/2 weeks of daily radiation treatments, and now I am currently on 5 years of the fabulous mood altering  medication that has similarities to menopause. I am a lucky lady... I know. I get to blame my excessive sweating, mood swings, and forgetfulness on my meds for the next 5 years! I just pull that "cancer card" whenever I need to get out of things, when I forget things, and when I need something really bad.....see, having cancer has to have some perks too!

Think Pink, The Diary of the Bald Woman started during my treatments as way to keep my family informed of my treatments and how I was feeling. Who am I kidding, it was just a way to get more sleep after treatment and not field so many phone calls. :) Then it quickly turned into much more. It became cheaper than going to therapy sessions. I decided to cut my insurance company a break!It has now evolved into a passion I never knew existed. Who says cancer can't bring good things???  I know I never said that. I had free house cleaning every week, meals brought to me everyday for 5 months, massages, and even a free facial every week if I wanted it. Yeah, I realize every busy mother out there is now jealous! :)

So like I mentioned earlier I have teamed up with Save the Ta-tas not only to blog but to give away something as well. I have picked my favorite TaTa T....Green saves trees, Pink saves these! I know I know,  right up my alley. I LOVE this org and what they stand for. They have donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to breast cancer. Here is the link fyi.....http://www.savethetatas.org/why-we-are-special/
Anyone that signs up to be subscriber to this blog and leaves a comment below will be automatically entered to win. You could win an awesome T and read my ultra funny postings....I look at that as WIN WIN!! The really funny stuff btw is located in 2010 around February/March I believe. That is when I was smack dab in the middle of the cocktail lounge. (see the post and find out what the cocktail lounge is) :)

I have to credit the win of my fight to the fabulous family and friends that I have. It was a bit like running a marathon. You have to do it alone and it can be very difficult. You have your ups and your downs and few people even attempt to do it, BUT the entire race you have people cheering you on and motivating you to keep going. Step by step and even inch by inch you finish the race. After looking back at what you have done you realize that you may have ran by yourself but you were never really alone!


 
Have a TaTa Tastic day everyone and remember to support Save the TaTas fight against this ugly beast named Cancer! If you would like to be entered in the drawing for the FREE shirt subscribe to this crazy ex-bald ladies blog  and see my journey from Blonde to Bald and Back!!!!!

To win the shirt....
1. Join my blog following AND
2. post a comment below
Thats it and you are automatically entered to win the free shirt!!! (include your email)

Going or growing?

Don't go through life, grow through life.

Eric Butterworth

There is a song that says, "I'm in a hurry to get things done, rushing, rushing till life's no fun....." I love this song because of the reminder it gives me to stop and slow down. I find my self more now post-cancer "looking" at things. I notice the colors in sky. I notice people interacting with each other. I notice little things everyday that are amazing.
There are times I wonder if life has this greater meaning or am I trying so hard to find a greater meaning because of what has happened to me.  There are times when I get upset that I have had cancer. I mean I get mad! Not just the times when my kids ask me about it or everyday when I look at this body full of scars. I get mad when I think about how simple my life was before and how I didn't even realize it. I can't go back to the person I was before even if I wanted to. I am not her anymore. That girl left the day I laid on a surgery table making the OR techs laugh. I wouldn't have told you then that my life was easy but now I realize, much as a child does when they move out of their home for the first time, that my life WAS not as difficult as I thought. I don't think my life is bad now so don't confuse this post with one that is complaining. I just now see that before I just lived my life. I did things and just lived life. Now, I search for meaning in everything I do. I think about how I can bring this to others and now most importantly I do in fact "grow". I take every up and every down and analyze it to death and grow into a different person than I was the day before.
I am thankful for every single scar. I am thankful for every beautiful color I see outside. I am thankful for the wonderful family and friends I am blessed to have. I am thankful that I am not the person I was before. I am thankful that I grow each day into the person I am meant to be.

Are you going or growing today? you alone get to make your choice each day! Have a great day!

A writer???

here is the link to my first published article!!!! Yay....may even call myself a writer soon!!!!
Mermaids of the Lake Blog: Dive into celebrating life

Bucket List

The only way to predict the future is to have power to shape the future.---Eric Hoffer



Does anyone have a bucket list?? This quote today makes me think of them. If we want to predict our futures so badly, then why not be a part of making it. How do we make it you may ask??? Know what you want!If you don't know where you are going, then how do you know when you get there?

I have one. Who knows if I actually will do everything on it but I am going to spend the rest of my life trying! I think they are great for knowing what you want out of life. My last few years by most people's standards has kind of sucked. I mean we have had job losses, my cancer battle, now another layoff but it hasn't taken our happiness from us. sure there are days when I am not sure what will happen next, but in the end I am still here waking up. I don't know when that will end so....better make the most of it right!? If we look at each day as a gift, how can you be not thankful for the day instead of complaining about it!?

 My bucket list has lots of travel destinations. Clearly in the middle of a layoff I am not going to be checking any of those off, but stranger things have happened. I purposely put things on there that were just out of reach. If they were all things I could do it wouldn't be a bucket list it would be a To do list! One day I hope to complete these items and check them off one at a time but for now....we wait and enjoy the path to getting them. Who knows something I never knew I wanted may pop up on my way to doing these things. Look at my writing. I never saw myself as a writer and now it something I couldn't stop if I tried. It makes me happy and I hope someone reads it and gets a few laughs here and there.

Make a list if you haven't. What do you want to see or do before your time is up? My list is very long and i keep adding to it but I thought I would give you a few to get you started.....

Skydive
See NYC
Renew vows on an island barefoot
Meet Oprah and Ellen
Have my book published

That's all I am gonna give you today, sorry....I will let you know if I check any of them off!!! Have a great day and don't forget to enjoy the journey because it is really better than the destination!

Got a case of the Monday's???

Never be afraid to sit awhile and think.

Lorraine Hansberry

This quote really fits today. I have been laying low for the last few months. I quit my job only to take another and now focused on doing well and creating a new balance yet again. Thinking is all I seem to do these days. Am I being a good mom, friend, wife, worker?? I am constantly trying to make all of these people happy and often get lost myself in that process. Still thinking about that!



Oh Monday. The most hated day of the week. Everyone seems to hate this day because it is a back to reality kind of feeling from the weekend. this Monday will be my least favorite day but for a completely different reason. This Monday my life gets jacked up again.....................

Today is the day I have been dreading. Today is the day my husband comes home with a big fat layoff packet and life as I know it has to change again. I get a bit tired of the changes but I have no choice but to roll with them. I am afraid but yet in my heart I know that something is not too far around the corner. Maybe he will get a job on an island and I can check off #14 from my bucket list????  We really seem to have had some crazy luck....layoffs, cancer, layoffs again. I really need a miracle at this point to not become crazy. This last 5 years of my life has had one major catastrophe after another. I really thought that this was the year that was going to treat us well! Still possible I guess and I have to keep the faith that we will be led down the perfect path for us!

I think today I should follow the advice of the quote and not be afraid to sit and think seriously about what my families next move will be. I am sure that when the time is right the "perfect" solution will fall into place. In the meantime....anyone with work....CALL ME :)

Have a great day and today instead of complaining how you have to go off to work....be grateful you still have your job!

Let the beauty of what you love be what you do. Rumi

My 200th post!!

This is my 200th post....wow. For someone who never dreamed I would be a writer, I think I can finally say...I am a writer. I love this blog. I love it because it provides an outlet, a way to show the power of being positive, and a way that one day may change someone else.

Today's quote:
My life is every moment of my life. It is not a culmination of the past.

Hugh Leonard

You can't look to your past and what has happened to you to shape who you are now or where you are going. It's important to learn from where you came from but that doesn't define you. We are who we are because of those things but capable of endless opportunities just waiting to happen. I feel at this moment I am being led in the "perfect" path for me. It may not affect millions but I think me having been on this planet will have helped a few people be better. That is the hope anyway...

Every so often, I struggle with the choices I have made in my life and wonder if they are the right ones. I am just like everyone else out there sacrificing and searching for some bigger meaning. I started Friends of the Bald Woman to help women in need. Our first year has beyond passed any one's expectations and I am proud of that. Just as a gas tank runs low to empty however, I do too. My intentions are coming from the purest and  best places but this game.....IS HARD! It is hard to compete with the "big guys". It is hard to manage my time equally amongst all these things I feel are important. It is hard to know if it even matters. This game is hard! Many times my tank needs to be filled with all the reasons why I am doing what I am doing to keep this thing moving forward. It is not something you can ask people for, but it always comes when I am in most need.
I think to myself sometimes how much EASIER my life was before I had cancer or before other key moments in my life happened. It was get up, take care of kids, go to work, and then do it all again. This routine has since been shattered and I find myself too often feeling lost without a clue as to my direction. I didn't have to think before. I get angry that cancer came into my life and turned it upside down. I think of some of the greatest athletes, great leaders, and companies that have existed and wonder if they struggled like I do. Did they feel 100% that they were on the right path but still needed to just "know"? Why does my head tell me to constantly question what my heart is telling me to just do? Can't they just get along??? My guess is the greatest things in life never came easy and without struggles so I too will keep pushing forward until my vision of helping people is beyond what I can see at the moment. I have drive and just because I can't see this everyday doesn't mean that I will give up on what I feel I can do. We should never lose sight of what it is that we want. My bottom line is simple. I have said it before. I just want people to smile and  laugh more. They seems so small but really can be quite difficult. I want to change the way we see the cup. It may be half empty but look how cute the cup is??? See hopefully you just smiled.....I am on a mission and although right now it is difficult so are many other obstacles that I have come up against. I have won many of those battles but learned from them all. I will get my tank filled at just the moment when I need it most and remember once again why I am here. I will now and forever continue to keep moving forward.

Take the great gifts and talents that your were blessed with and SHARE them with the world (or anyone who will accept them). This can be the culmination of your life's past meeting up with the present to create one powerful LIFE!

Everyday kind of life

Today, I woke up alone in a King sized bed with all my covers on and before my alarm clock went off. I got showered, dressed to go off to work in my favorite pair of Jimmy Choo's, poured my coffee, and was ready to tackle the world. I work at a very large organization in one of those ultra modern high rise buildings and as I walk in with my coffee I say hello to everyone working away in their cubicles. I sit at my desk, sigh, and know that this is where I am meant to be.  I head home but stop off at the local gym for a spin class. I sit down and enjoy my glass of wine and wind down before I do it all again tomorrow.......

15 years ago, this is the life I said I wanted. I was a small town high school student in the middle of Missouri that dreamed of heading off to the city. I had ambitions of being an ad exec and working in a high rise building somewhere. Life for me since high school took a few twists and turns and now my life looks more like this.........

Today I awoke to a toenail scrapping the side of my face. It hurt to so I got up, well rolled 45 degrees and fell out.  I tip toe into the other room to put a pot of coffee on as to not disturb the children. This gives me 5 minutes of quiet before they wake up. I realize we are out of real coffee and I have to use the "fake" stuff. I hear a noise from the other room.......OHHHHHH no it is the alarm clock that I had set going off. If that stupid clock wakes up my 3 year old I am going to......."HI MOM!", she says. "Hi sweetheart.....(sigh)" Well so much for that 5 minutes. Oh well dress the kids, make the beds, make lunches for school, and if I am lucky a nice 5 minute shower. After the shower I get ready for work in my best hole-filled clothing and take 3 minutes to attempt makeup and hair. We are ready to roll about 8 am and I take the kids to school. The zoo of a parking lot prevents me from parking in it so we have to park down the street and walk. I appreciate the only exercise that I will have time to squeeze in. Kids get dropped off and I head to work. I drive 20 minutes to get there and work for 2 hours. Go back across town and pick up my preschooler, and head home to feed her lunch. We have 25 minutes to eat because gymnastics starts at 12:15. Then shuttle back across town to the gymnastics place. Sit for an hour and use my phone to answer emails and make any calls needed for work. We head home where I fix my daughter another snack and put on Dora. I then head into my office where I either work some more from home or work running my non-profit organization. Quick books, data entry, answer emails, and beg for money. That is my next few hours....It takes this long because in between journal entries I am "drinking tea" or "pretending that barbie is going to the beach" or being the "evil queen that tries to lock up my princess daughter".... then at 3:30 we walk down to pick up my son from his bus stop that is about a 1/2 mile away. My daughter leisurely rides her bike at a 0.01 mile an hour pace and we finally make it down there 20 min later. Again I am thankful for another exercise break even though the pace is far from my style. Then I  greet my son off the bus and ask him about his day. I then ask about 100 extra questions to get more than, "fine". We walk back to the house and by 4:00  it is after school snack time. They have 30 minutes to make this happen because my son has to get dressed for football practice. By 5:00 we are leaving the house and driving 30 min across town to football practice. This lasts for two hours. I, on occasion will leave after my husband arrives to go home and get dinner started so we can eat at 8:00 at night. At 8 they  get home from football, we eat dinner, and I ensure that everyone has had a shower. By 9:00 the kids are asleep and finally a chance to relax. About 5 minutes after sitting down on the couch....I am asleep. I head off to bed to dream about....nothing. You have to sleep for a good length of time to get into dream mode! Then I wake up, or am woke up, and do it all again.


I realize many of you are failing to see the glamour in this last scenario, but it really is! I am a princess, taxi driver, chef, parent, employee, philanthropist, and cheerleader. I know it is not the life that I envisioned in high school, but back then I was an idiot! I thought money grew on trees, people were supposed to  drive you around, and meals just popped out of the oven. This is my everyday without any complications. No extras that pop up out of your control or battling cancer nonetheless. This is life I never knew I wanted. This is the life that I wake up or am woke up, thanking God I got to do it again!

The grass is always greener somewhere else. I just don't care because I am having too much fun!!!

SMILES ARE FREE

The Friends of the Bald Woman calendar project is coming to a close soon and I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to connect with these 11 other ladies. I go to these shoots week after week and every time am humbled and in awe of the spirit that surrounds these women. They are our moms, daughters, wives, and friends. I have seen strength and hope in these women that is unmatched in every day life. I don't think anyone plans to be strong but when in the situation that calls for it you have two choices....do it, or don't. these ladies did it for sure. They are funny, they are kind, and they are thankful for what they have. I am so pleased that the support for our calendar has grown. This whole project started with a Bald Lady photo shoot with my favorite photographer friend. She produced the most true pictures of myself that I have seen to this day and I wanted everyone in that situation to have the opportunity to feel their inner beauty too.
Many people ask me why I do this (Friends of the Bald Woman). There is no pay, countless hours of planning, few thanks, and constantly feeling at the mercy of other people's pocket books. It is hard, it is time consuming, it brings sleepless nights and tears, and yet...this is the most rewarding thing I have ever done! I can sum up why I do what I do into one reason....I do this because it brings a smile! That may appear simple to those reading, and guess what it is. I just simply want people to smile more. It may be from receiving one of our support services. It may be from one of my OH SO FUNNY blog posts. It may be giving people a way to give a bit of themselves to others. It may come in many different ways but the bottom line for me is that smiles are contagious. They are infections and it is one thing we don't do enough of. Not to say you can't take anything seriously, but really we are here for an unknown time and so is everyone else here...Why waste our time here being full of all the negative stuff?? I think it is time for one of my famous lists.....

What Cancer took from me
1. My chances of becoming a Playboy model (oh wait, my kids did that!)

2. My hair (that I really didn't like that much to begin with)

3. My fame and fortune (wait, again no fortune to take and I have more fame post- cancer than any high school soccer game ever gave me)

4. My time (always want more and less, always want it to hurry up and slow down)

5. My brain (well at least the ability to remember anything...including anything else that it took from me!!)

What I took from Cancer:
1. FREE meals, house cleaning, wigs, and weekly massages

2. Great stories that go with each scar on my body

3. Better Perspective on life

4. FAME (Newspapers, TV spots, name on a famous car, wow! still waiting on the fortune part!!!)

5. The ability to get out of basically anything with my "cancer card" for the rest of my life. (I would never do that though....or would I????)

6. MY LIFE! (I never let this evil beast take my life or my spirit and for that I am the most grateful!!)

Well that is all she wrote for today ladies and gents! Today's challenge is to make ONE person truly smile today! That is it only ONE! Tell them to pass it on though and we will see how long we can keep the smile going! Smiles are free and can make the day of someone so change the world today folks!! Make your day a great one!

Life as I know it...

Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.
Grandma Moses

Today is a very special day for me. Today is my daughters 4th birthday and my first ever "cancer"versary. I can't believe it has been a year since I walked out of the doors of our treatment center. This year by far has been more difficult than the previous years cancer battle. The cancer battle is difficult. It involves being physically sick A LOT and feeling like you are climbing the biggest mountain in the world barefoot and with no coat! This last year, however, was more mental. I felt as if I made it to the top of this mountain and saw the most amazing view of my life and then had to go down the other side and go back to reality. It didn't work anymore. The cheerleaders that I once had cheering me on were replaced with bill collectors. The doctors asking me how I was doing EVERYDAY just stopped. The finish line of the big race had come and gone and I was there alone to process what had just happened. It was difficult to drop back into the life that once worked for me.
My life now is far from perfect but it is perfect for me! We spend so much time thinking that the grass is greener somewhere else but to tell you the truth I am having too much fun to care if mine is yellow, too tall, or dead. I live each day differently and I am forever thankful for the things that have changed me and made me happier. who would have thought that an ugly thing like cancer would turn out to be such a positive thing and if that is the case my little everyday difficulties seem a lot smaller to me! Life is great for me because I say it is...that is it. No big secret involved. it is what I make of it! I can CHOOSE to focus on all that is wrong or I can CHOOSE to learn from that and be thankful for what I do have!
Life as I know it changed on Dec 23, 2009 but I am still here and that is all that matters!
Make today count because you never know when your clock is up!!

Fears

Fear of the worst when the worst in the past
Wondering how long these worries are supposed to last

I hate this disease and what I have become
but the past is the past and it's over and done

The mountain has been climbed and the lessons have been taught
I just wish to God that this fear and worry could be forgot

I fought hard and tough and won my fight
but the memories linger on like a long dark night

Feeling alone but so many surround me
Why can't I just go back to the way I used to be

Maybe I will, maybe one day.. the rest is still unknown
For now I just sit back with my fear and wait to be shown!

What do you say

What do you say in those situations with your kids when they ask the most difficult questions. "Mom,where do babies come from? Why do people get married? Why do people fart?" Some make you laugh, some make you cry, and some just stop you in your tracks and think....

My son is 7 years old, he is funny, smart as whip, and cute as a button. He changed my life when he was born. He is very inquisitive and always asking questions that could have many answers. Most of the time I can still answer these questions in the most simple way possible. Last night however he got me. I had no answer. I am the mom and am supposed to know ALL the answers and last night....well I could barely even respond.
He asked me last night if I was going to have to do chemo again. I told him, "I don't think so". He doesn't need to know that I worry about this same question all the time still, so I answer and look down at this huge 7 year old kid barely fitting on my lap. He wipes his eyes. "Are you crying?" I ask him a bit confused. The whole time I went through treatments he never really said anything much about it. I tried to get him to talk about it but he never really did so I guess in my mind I believed he was unaffected by this as my 3 year old was and will be. I was wrong.
He looks up with those little blue eyes filled with tears and says,"Cancer can kill people". I shake my head, attempting to not burst into tears too, and say, "you are right love it does sometimes". He lays on my chest and tells me that he doesn't want me to die because he would miss me and not see me again till he dies. Tears are flowing now and I am trying to have some great things to say to ease his poor little mind. I remind him how I won my fight and my cancer is all gone. Then he asks the hard one, is it gonna come back?.....What do say to this? Do lie and say no way or never? Do you tell the truth and say maybe? Do you hug your little one tight and tell him you love him and you are doing everything possible to make sure that you never see this again?
My fear from day one was not treatment but that my kids would be affected by this disease too. Take what you want from me but leave my kids alone. Cancer effects an ENTIRE family not just the one receiving the treatments. Yes, treatment is the harder part BUT I would rather go through treatments than watch it any day! Seeing my 7 year old son so upset about this makes me hate this disease even more than I already do! I really didn't think that was possible. My fuel that occasionally runs out for helping those with cancer and their families was just refilled for like a year and I am on a mission to destroy this worry.
I hugged my son last night I told him that I loved him and will forever love him. I told him that even though my cancer is gone I will fight EVERY day to keep it away for him and his sister. I don't know if what I said helped ease his fears but it was 100% truth. I don't know what my future has in store for me so there is really no point in worrying about it. I have said it a million times in this blog and live it each day, "keep moving forward".....that is all we can do.
What do you say when you don't know the answers? I guess maybe sometimes the answer is just not having one.

Sparks

Some will say that one person can not change the world. Maybe, but ONE person can spark a chain of events that in turn does change the world.....One small thing that you do could be that spark. It could be as simple as smile or kind words to a stranger. You never know....

Will you be the spark or will you be the one who blows it out?

Just some random thoughts of the day from the gal who is trying to light as many sparks as possible to see one huge fireworks show this fourth of July!
Have a good one!!!

A challenge today

Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?
Benjamin Franklin

Should I consider this a sign that this quote came up twice in a weeks time? The quotes randomly rotate each day and I have only now after a year seen a repeated quote. Why this one repeated so soon after it just came up?

I am not sure if I have a talent. I am very good at finding talent in others but not myself. Hey wait is that a talent?? I guess it all is how you look at it right!?

I could list out all the things that I am not, but today I will focus on what I AM.....

I AM.....

funny (at least I crack myself up)
loud (always being asked to be quiet)
compassionate (want the world to see there are good people out there)
resourceful (I may not know but I will find it)
driven (although the goal may change my focus on that goal does not)
scattered (a master at juggling 800 things at a time)

What are you? All too often we focus on what we are NOT in our lives and what we do NOT have. Today your challenge is to focus on what you DO have and what you ARE!!
Good luck, it is not that easy but for 24 hours just try it...nothing negative. So even your negatives need to have a "silver lining" just for a day.

Are we there yet???

"Are we there yet?" We have all heard it and said it..... This was the phrase of the day on my most recent big adventure.

I recently took 40 middle school children to the Seattle Science Center. It was a jam packed day that began at 5am. My own son was off school so I decided to bring him along with us. He felt that at 3:20am that we were going to be late and woke me up to share in his panic....we weren't supposed to get up for about another 40 minutes. He then returned to bed but me....not so fortunate, so...the day began at 3am!

45 tired people entered the bus at 5am and we were off for the first leg of our 4 1/2 hour school bus ride! Now I want you to imagine back to your school bus days for a minute....now not so bad to remember as a kid, right. As an adult, well, that's a different story. Assuming both of your legs comfortably fit facing forward in your seat, it is still no way to spend the next 4 hours of your life. There is also the knees up on your seat approach, this works temporarily untill all the blood rushes out of your legs and the pins and needles begin. The only option is to toss and turn and distract yourself in good conversation. did I mention I took 40 middle school age kids?

2 hours fly by...I am laughing out loud right now.....Only 25 "Are we there yet's" have been noted. Rest stop #1....oh boy. This fabulous rest stop had no real working bathrooms. Yes, I did say rest stop. Isn't that their main job??? Who owns rest stops because boy they would get an earful! It did however have 2 full port-a-potties! FULL! I was desparate so I used one but almost stepped in vomit to use it. OH the memories made!!! The other my son used and when he opened the door the smell was so horrible I almost vomitted myself. Maybe that is what happened in my port-a-pottie?>?? Only half of the students were brave enough to use them so back to the bus it was!

Another speedy 2 1/2 hours go by but this time about 35 "Are we there yet's". Finally I was able to tell them, YES we are (and mean it)! The day flies by at the Science Center. Watching the students in my group of 10 weave in and out of the 50 other school groups that were there that day was about as fun as the whole port-a-potty incident. In all seriousness, seeing the students learn about science when they all claim they hate it...that was priceless! The I-Max was somewhat of a bust for them but the laser show made up for that entirely! We ate lunch right in font of the Key Arena and were given some oh so fragrant smells of herbal remedies as we ate. We unknowingly walked all 40 students through a street fair. That wasn't stressful at all! It reminded me of the movie UP where the dog sees the squirrels. We made it to the Space Needle together and those who had never been were in awe, so for me the stress was well worth it. The day completed with the oh so fun visit to the gift shop! Then back on the road.


We were on the road for about 15 minutes before the "Are we there yet's" started back up. This time it was referring to dinner. Before we made it to Mc D's we were stuck in a Memorial Day road construction traffic jam! The kids really got to experience one more true Seattle site.....for over an hour! this is when the "Are we there yet's" were flowing like the rain and snow that was beginning outside the bus!
After 5 1/2 hours on the bus we finally arrived home to the school!

Overall, we realize we spent more time on the road than we did actually in Seattle, BUT from my perspective worth the ride! We often get caught in getting from point a to b and don't always look at the road along the way. I have learned through my disease that the ride is where the memories will come. I hope that I have given each of those students a memory that they will take with them as they move on in life. I believe that is the greatest gift that I can give them on my last days there.

The bus was filled with "Are we there yet's" but we were "THERE" the second we stepped on that bus.....

Enjoy your journey today!

I have a dream

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.
James Dean

This quote always reminds me yet again to live for today and to really follow where my dreams take me. What if you don't know what your dream is? What if you do but talk yourself out of it because of fear? It could be fear of failure or the unknown. We just too often let those dreams go to settle for something else that is ok.

This morning I am envisioning all the directions my life could take at this crossroad that I am on. I have made descions to follow my dream and now I am second guessing it as the time draws near to actually do it. Is this a normal reaction? Does every one's brain do this and run down all the possible things that could go wrong or the ways I could fail? Is what makes us successful in life pushing past those thoughts and fears and doing it anyway? Maybe....

For many years I have been the girl who can't say no. I will do anything to help someone, whether I know them or not. What I have learned in the last few days is this....If you want something, I mean really want it, it can be yours. You have to put in the work and not stop till you get it though. The work may be to focus on the dream and not stop till it is there. My problem has always been this, I over commit. I used to think that I over committed because I was this girl who couldn't say no. I have now learned that is not true. My over commitments are actually a lack of commitment on my part. It sounds strange I know but I will explain. If I load up my plate with an abnormal amount of activities and things to be responsible for then I will always have something to fall on if one fails. My whole life I thought it was because I liked living that busy life, but really was it just a lack of putting everything I had in to one thing?? I have been so afraid to fail at things in life that I loaded up with numerous things to do. This kept me from feeling the failure of one thing because I had so many others going on. Today I sit and wonder if I should change. If we don't change something then we will ALWAYS see the same results. If we can change ourselves, we will see different results. Today I will try (I said try) to make a change. For once I will commit to something with all I have not a portion. If I fail, which I may, then I can always go back to my ways. Today I have a dream and I am going to make it happen.......the rest is still as they say "unwritten"...........................

Whose day is this????

There is nothing in the world that I love more than being a mother. It is the most wonderful crazy ride that I have ever been on. I love that we have a day to stop and think about our mom's and all they do for us. If you are married it's a day where your husband will make you remember that he did things for you for the rest of the year.

My day.....I wake up at 7:30 which is the latest I have slept in for like a year. I woke to my husband outside finishing the garage clean out and my son wide awake excitedly awaiting me to open his present. I opened the wonderful story, poem, and clay project that he worked so hard on. He then says to me, "This is the greatest thing I have ever made.....Did you know that your mom kept ALL of your projects from when you were little??" After he showed and explained all of the uses it brought and places it could go he took me over to a sign that he had made above the fireplace. "notice anything different over here....(pointing to the sign)?" It read on several sheets of paper " H....A.....PPY.....Mothers......day.mom"

What a way to start the day right. I thought to myself at that moment, "this will be a great day"....ahh!

Then about 30 minutes later I hear the screams from my room....MMMMMOOOOOOOMMMMMM! My little diva is awake! I go in and she eagerly shouts..."happy mother's day" (This is the same thing she has said to me every day that she has woke up in the morning for a week. Each day I tell her...not today, a few more days)
Then she looks at me and says "It's mother's day. I am going on STAGE today!!!!!" "Uh no sorry dear that is Tuesday for the Mother's Day tea at school," I say.... Tears start to flow. "I wanna go on stage and sing today!"
"Oh I know honey a few more days"........Now I begin to wonder, "is this going to be a good day?"

The festivities included a great breakfast made by my husband, a nice 2.5 mile run on my treadmill, a clean garage, a HUGE temper tantrum (because she could not change clothes for the 3rd time into her Easter dress), and the dreaded trip to Wal-Mart for groceries!

Wal-mart was great. I listened to a mini fit about not being able to have popcorn chicken, new water shoes, and cheap check out isle crap. It was great. The best part of the trip was the in the makeup section. I was standing there waiting for my daughter to pick out a princess lip gloss and she laughed as I told her that I couldn't think of anything I would rather be doing than walking around W.M for mother's day. A woman was standing in the isles she just laughed as I said that to my daughter. She said the greatest thing to me though...."Your living it!" (Yes I am I thought and smiled)

After that comment, I felt great. I don't need the 'perfect' day. I had the perfect day!! I am living it each and every day that I am blessed to open my eyes! This is the greatest present that I will ever receive. I am allowed to be here to listen to all of these screams and the laughter.

The rest of the day was filled with them screaming at each other, tattling, hearing my husband tell the kids that it was MOM's day not theirs, and then finally sitting arms around each other with a movie. I even had a relaxing back massage from my 3 year old, but I had to keep carrying her around to get it! I took a deep breath and thought.....I AM LIVING IT!

The BW Ball

It's a great day to be alive! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the stress is momentarily lifted. Yesterday, I went for my every 3 mo. check up. This is the day I get to go in give lots of blood and find out if I will have to climb that stupid cancer mountain again. Lucky for me, at this time, that will not be happening. I am still clear for 9 mo now! This is always an anxiety filled day or two. I really don't believe that I have cancer again, but until there is a doctor telling me that I tend to get nervous. It has not gotten any easier to do, but hey that is life. If it was easy, it wouldn't be a great story. Yesterday was filled with reflections of the journey that the last year has brought me. It was a long and unknown road but worth the ride for sure. I am much happier today than I ever anticipated being. I feel like I am finally headed on the right path.

Our first FBW event was a huge success in my book. The competitive natured person in me wanted more to have attended, but I am told for a first time under-publicized event.. it was awesome. I have some lessons learned for next year, but overall the event and fundraising exceeded my expectations! I have the most wonderful group of people behind this organization that don't always get the spotlight, but I am so thankful to have them and their support.

Now what....well don't worry I am not a sit down for long kind of gal. I have 3 projects waiting for me to begin tackling them. More info will come. We are still working on the calendar and that will be ready to go out by October. I am also in grant research mode for a very large scale idea. Then there is our next fundraiser...just wait till I announce this one. Gonna be different and lots of fun!!! Stay tuned.

Oh and don't worry all the fame from the TV and paper didn't go to my head. I am still the same person as I was before but now I can sign autographs :) Ha I love being semi-famous. Now, how to keep that going?????

Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer
Today I want to thank you. This thanks is for officially ruining my life. I am no longer the same person as was before that day you barged into my life. I am not the same time obsessed young adult trying to climb every ladder possible. I now spend my days thinking about others and how I can try to give them ladders to climb. Thanks alot for the fear that you have now permanently instilled into my brain and the thoughts that each day needs to be lived to the fullest because it could be my last. I am also so grateful for the side effects of the latest and greatest poisons in which I used to get rid of you. You take lives on a daily basis. You turn families upside down and make them worry when it is the last thing they need to do.
You have taken so much from me. You took my hair, my pride, my carefree life, and part of my body. You have left me with scars and memories of the time that we spent battling. That, I will never forget.
You may be strong, you may have power, and you may even take my life one day BUT you will not win. Not ever. I will fight every single day to keep you out of my life and I will not EVER let you take what makes me who I am. You can have my hair, you can have my pride, and you can have any body part you want. When you turned my life upside down you actually made it better. You gave me something that I am sure you didn't realize....Strength! The anger you caused my family is now nothing but fuel for my fight. The things you took from me are now my fire to help others fight. The things I lost will never be returned, but what I took from you was far more than you got from me!
Thanks,
Holly

Where is my umbrella drink?

When I think of Spring Break I think of a week long party in Cancun. I think of fun in the sun and umbrella drinks. I think of good times and not a care in the world.
Well....that is NOT the reality that I got on my spring break this year. here are the highlights.....

DAY 1: (This was actually the Friday before every one's week off) This was filled with good times and carpet being ripped up out of my living room. Lucky for us our dogs had helped tremendously with this project in the previous weeks. They had even disposed of some of the carpet pad by eating it and scattering it all over house. They are just so helpful. Who says puppies are a lot of work? They just don't know how helpful they are. (now maybe all the holes in the back yard are them "helping" to dig that pool I wanted!

DAY 2: My husband insists the floor will be completed. This is great because the carpet was ripped out and we got to move furniture back onto the BEAUTIFUL concrete sub floor for the evening of Day 1. No great project is completed without any problems (well at least nothing that makes it on this blog!) so end of day 2....only half complete.

DAY 3: Floors have to be done today because my husband has to go back to work on Monday and I am not living in this crazy house with stuff everywhere any longer!!!! AHH the mess is making me crazy. Finally late on Day 3....FINALLY COMPLETE! I should have realized at this point that this spring break was not going to be relaxing or filled with fun in the sun! Gonna order that umbrella drink now!

DAY 4: Feeling like I have been hit by a truck on this morning but push that aside and truck through a day of catch up. Who has time to feel sick when you have so much to do. Laundry, tons of cleaning from the 3 day dust bowl that we had over the weekend, and Friends of the Bald Woman stuff that I have not had time for when I go to work. Waited a while for the umbrella drinks to come...but the never did!

DAY 5: Doctor time! Feeling even worse than before. A big thanks to a great friend who took my kids so I can finally go see a doctor. I feel terrible at this point. I can hardly speak which makes yelling at my kids very difficult ( :) just kidding- I don't EVER yell at my kids. What kind of mom does that??) Apparently when you are "pushing aside" a sickness for the 10 days prior, that leads to an ear and sinus infection with a side order of bronchitis....where is that umbrella drink????


DAY 6: Watch out world I am back in the land of the living!!! Feeling like a champ today! This day is a bit crazy though. Unexpected financial burdens crept their heads into our home on this day and it was one of those "tomorrow will be a better day" kind of days. I just ignored the stuff that was unimportant and tried to enjoy the beautiful day outside fully loaded with a hail storm at the end of the day! Really need the umbrella drink today!

DAY 7: This was by far the highlight! Started with my radio debut on 2 radio stations. Yes I am a local celeb now! Paparazzi are camped outside my house and it is just crazy! We had a great time at the radio station on and off air. The day gets better because I came home and then headed off to the 2nd FBW calendar photo shoot. This 16 year old gal is so amazing. She has battled, beat, and taken names on her cancer and is beautiful on the outside as well as the inside. Her shoot was amazing and did not produce one bad picture. I am so fortunate to have the best Make up artist in town (DOLLS) who happens to be my sister and I have the best photographer in town (Andrea Starr). they make this project effortless! Still no umbrella drink, maybe I should order another one???

DAY 8: Slumber party. My son had a friend over and we packed up lunch and went down to the park and had a picnic. Fun in the sun, finally! Wait spring break is over in a few days...thoughts of work begin to flood my head. Now I really need this umbrella drink and I am beginning to get irritated that the resort is so slow and not bringing it.???

DAY 9: Watched my husband tackle home improvement project # 2 (spreading 3 yards of rock) He trucked it up a very steep driveway about 100 times to move some to the back yard. This rock will surely keep my dogs who are obsessed with a gopher that lives in our back yard from digging too much right??? No, the answer is already NO!
This day also brings the fun outing of taking my daughter to the walk in doctor because the two of us slept on the couch that night before. Well slept is what I call it but actually sleeping was limited. Within a few hours of receiving this antibiotic she was a new girl! The grumpy, whiny, and tearful toddler was soon replaced by a bossy attitude filled smile! Ohhhh, so glad all is back to normal. Now where is that umbrella drink? Still....nothing

DAY 10: This is it. Life officially goes back to normal tomorrow and I reflect upon my 10 days off. There were no vacations, no weekend trips, and really we didn't even leave the city. Most would chalk this up to a bum spring break. Me...I say it was exactly what I needed, minus the umbrella drink. That I am still waiting for!

It's all about how we look at things right :)

REACH FOR THE BANANAS

I heard a story about monkey's the other day that I would like to share with you today....

There were a group of monkeys that were being studied. They put a tall pole with bananas in the area with the monkeys. Each time that the monkeys tried to climb up and get the bananas they were blasted with water. They soon became conditioned to not try and climb the pole to get the bananas. Over time they left the pole alone completely.
Then a new twist. A new monkey was added and when he went to go climb the pole for the bananas the others in the group pulled him down each time and would not let him climb the pole. This monkey too eventually got to the point in which he did not even attempt to climb the pole. He was conditioned without even trying to climb it and learning the lesson himself.
Then one by one the conditioned monkeys who had climbed the pole were replaced with those who had never climbed the pole one at a time. The monkeys one by one repeated the same pattern of pulling the monkey who was trying to climb the pole down until the new monkey was also conditioned to leave the pole alone.
By the end of the study EVERY monkey in the place had never ACTUALLY climbed the pole and been sprayed with the water. The entire group of monkeys left the pole with bananas alone completely never having even attempted to get them!

The reason I share this story today is because a great person I know shared this story with me and said, "WAY TO GO AFTER THE BANANAS HOLLY". that made me cry!

In life we are conditioned on many things. Many of us don't ever attempt to try things simply because we don't think we can/should or have been told by others that we are crazy for trying this. I just put my notice into my job that pays me in order to dedicate more time to my children and a non-profit org that pays me nothing. I did this because I feel in my heart that it is the right thing to do and I see something that they obviously do not. There have been many people along the way that have tried to pull me down from going after that banana and they have even called me crazy. Maybe I am, but how many AMAZING THINGS in life have come from someone that was once called crazy?

My hope today is that everyone who reads this takes that chance themselves and tries to get the bananas. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something and if you get sprayed with water...try another way. Don't settle :)

Is it weird that I feel like eating a banana split right now??? Have a great day and reach for the bananas!

Top 10- Why I love being a cancer survivor

This one is for all my survivors out there!!!!



Top 10 Reasons: Why being a cancer survivor is great

1. The contradictions....Getting back my hair so I can hate it all over again. oh how I love to hate you!

2. Living in a Haze....Feeling similar to those who lived through and participated in Woodstock minus the good 30 years of life I needed to have to have been there. The brain cells are lost but without the great party to go with it!

3. New found Strength...Feeling like I should be walking down the street with the Destiny's Child song, I'm a Survivor, playing in the background as I walk.

4. The medicines....Oh what fun it is to have the hot flashes, stomach pains, nausea, and mood swings. Thankful they have drugs out there that I can now BLAME all of these symptoms on every month! :)

5. The attitude...living with the attitude that if I don't want to do it, I DON'T! No more people pleasing 24/7 now its just more like 20/6!!

6. The colors...I have a license for the rest of my life to sport my favorite color in everything I own!

7. The people...They look at me different now. I was once fragile to them like a piece of glass...now they know I could kick any thing's a**!

8. The doctors...they are gone now except for when I am sick. Lucky for them I NEVER GET SICK, well...except for this stupid cancer thing...but other than that...I NEVER GET SICK!

9. The others...Love the connections with others like me...wait there are no others like me....just kidding, excited for the chance for all of us a** kicking, drug using, pink wearing tough chicks to get together and make some changes in this community! Watch out world!

10. My family...On a serious note, my love has grown where I thought it couldn't. My list of things to be thankful for has magnified by 100. I know that better or worse and in sickness or in health are NOT just words exchanged! I felt love like many may not and I am thankful, proud, and happy to have had this experience!

Time to blossom

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin

I love quotes and I am always trying to find the perfect one for the perfect time. I read this one this morning and I love how it fits my life.

I have been on a roller coaster for the last year. I mentioned in yesterday's post that I went down good old memory lane yesterday looking at some of my pictures. I had tears in my eyes looking at these. The whole time I had cancer I wondered why everyone was so sad and why they couldn't see that I was the same old Holly. After looking at the pictures yesterday, I see now. I was sick. I never felt that sick, never really acted like I had a disease, and never really let cancer interfere with what I wanted to do. I ran, I worked, and shuttled my kids to their activities. I did all this because one day I was "normal" Holly and the next day... I wasn't. I refused to believe that I was different. Now, after looking back, I see what they saw. I smiled in every pic but in my face...you can see that pale "life sucked out of you" look under that smile. It was hard to look at.

Now humbled by experience, I live each day as if it's the last and I am thankful each and every time I open my eyes!

The road ahead is unknown for me. I see the end and what I want to happen with FBW and my life. I am slowly making the choices to move me closer to that path. It is unknown but it is more painful to stay here in one place than it is do take the chance. I am a few seconds away from this quote and when the time is here to blossom... I will be ready!

Advice

Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.
Marcus Tullius Cicero

Advice...I love this one today because everyone LOVES to give you advice, don't they! One thing I have learned about advice is that we all like to give it, but receiving it is a different story. I was and have been in a family services field for many years and my job often times IS advice, but how do you give advice to the one who doesn't want it (or think they need it)? The answer: you don't. You try and guide them to a point where they can come up with it themselves.

I have received lots of advice from people on cancer, having kids, and even my job. The quote could not ring more true that only you can give yourself the best advice because only YOU walk in those shoes everyday! i am not saying that I don't appreciate each piece of advice that I am given, but really at the end of the day I am the one calling the shots.

I was looking today at some pictures of me from this time last year. Wow I LOOK sooo sickly! I was shocked today to see how sick I actually looked in these pics. I never thought I was sick so to see these was tough. It even brought a few tears. It was a rough road but when I spent the whole time laughing I forgot to note that I was actually sick.

So my advice to you today....take your own! (I am still working on giving less and using my own more!)

Tales of a 3 year old drama queen

I have a 3 year old daughter. She is very dramatic,strong willed, very emotional, and very FUNNY. I have posted about this bossy little gal before. She loves to sing, dance, and make believe. She has an amazing memory that she chooses to share or not. I have seen it so I know it is possible but she is very stubborn so it really is a matter of her deciding to share her knowledge.

Last night she had ballet class. It still makes me laugh watching her.When she chooses to dance she pushes her lips together, walks back and forth, and moves her hips side to side. she has such attitude. She has been in dance for a YEAR but still doesn't always listen (or even dance at times). The funny part is when we come home, every position, every move, and every stretch she will share with us. She marches to the beat of HER drum and on HER beat I guess. :)

This morning as I finished my shower I could hear her screaming....MOM, MOOOOOOOM. I rush to see what the problem is and she says......"Do I need to keep my underwear on today??"

yeah, that is life with a 3 year old drama queen!

the ride

I imagine life as a roller coaster. It has ups and downs, twists you didn't see, times you go so fast, and times you putter to the top.

This time last year, I was in full swing with my treatments. I was having chemo every two weeks and could not see that far ahead anymore. I have always been a planner so this alone was difficult for me. I had to stop looking into the future and start thinking about the moment. When I sat in my "spa" chair trying to hurry up time I had to keep reminding myself to enjoy the ride. Enjoy the ride you may think....with chemo! Yes, enjoy the ride. Enjoy the needle sticking out of your shoulder with bags of colored medicines that make you nauseous, cold, and irritable. That my friends is real living, and the best thing which i was reminded of the other day is the shots! Oh the shots, the harmless little poke in the back of the arm with the best intentions of "stimulating" white blood cell growth, oh how I miss you! I did enjoy this ride. I enjoyed sitting with my mom EVERY week for 5 months talking, laughing, and watching hgtv. I enjoyed the crazy pictures that we took while there in crazy wigs. I loved trying to make everyone laugh more so they would cry less. They all did alot of that, at first....the mood quickly shifted. what made this journey so special was not the pain, the meds, or the sick feelings. What made it WAS that ride and everything that happened along it.

It has now been 6 months and time has flown by. I used to long for the days to be over and now I am so thankful each time I start a new one. My "old" life I wanted to hurry hurry hurry in EVERYTHING. My whole life was set up around that concept and so when I went through this experience and came out new me....well it just doesn't work anymore. A "new" me has been dropped into this hurry hurry life and well...it's not working. I don't want to hurry hurry anymore. I have spent the last six months feeling like something is WRONG with me and wondering why I can't seem to readjust. This lovely part of cancer is not really talked about....re-entering life! What a ride that has been. From running a non-profit, going to work, raising children, and taking care of my house all of the things that made the first ride so special (the journey) has at times been lost. I now work twice as hard to simplify my life! (I know I know...typing that alone makes me laugh!)

Slow moving or flying through we all have those moments when we want both of these things to happen. Maybe instead of focusing on the speed of the ride we should just sit back and enjoy it!

Believe

Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt

This quote could not be more fitting today (I ALWAYS SAY THAT DON'T I??) :)
I am finally ready to believe that GREAT things are going to happen and now it is time to sit back and watch because it is going to be a great show! This is true for cancer or anything else that you are facing. I have finally learned this lesson.

This time last year my chemo journey was about to begin....I sit here now and try to remember my thoughts and fears of what lie in front of me. It was unknown and the chapter of PRE CANCER HOLLY was over and a new one was about to begin. I NEVER in a million years would have expected it to turn out the way that it did (if you didn't read the journey...don't worry hopefully one day you will in book form) :)

I have learned so much in the last year since that day that I walked into the infusion room. I say it all the time but I will say it again...It is still one of the BEST things that has happened to me (so far...I have a lot of time left). This obviously is not THE best thing but it's up there. That is difficult for some to understand. My theory is, however, if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger! I am still here and better for it. I loved life before, but now I love it and I APPRECIATE IT!

I would never have told you then but chemo is hard! I did not think that while I was doing it but now...oh yeah it sucked. If you can control your mind and your outlook on EVERYTHING...well that is half the battle right there. The rest just falls into it's place. You see believe you can and your almost there!

Today I feel almost like I am in the same boat but a different river. I am closing the chapter called CANCER and moving on to the next titled....LIFE AFTER CANCER. I realize it has been 6 months now but I think your brain needs time to catch up with what has just happened to you. Mine now has (thank goodness..i was worried for a while I would never be normal again) Normal....funny word....Normal is what I make it right? I am ready to move to the next chapter of life and scared in the same way of the unknown but am soooo excited to enjoy the ride this time! If my posts have been more reflective lately that is probably why. I have spent that last 6 months processing what happened the entire year before! Strange, but true!

Whatever it is that you want to do in life, write, sing, teach, or help the world....BELIEVE YOU CAN!

Best of Both Worlds

Nothing beats a hard days work does it? For those of us moms that think we can have it all.....I don't know if we can. Something seems to always be lacking. I feel that I am out of balance about 100% of the time. I am always giving too much to someone and not enough to other things. That is the trade off that happens when you are a "jack of all trades and master of none". It is craziness on a daily basis and many other part time mom/part time workers I am certain would agree. I have approximately 10 jobs only one of which pays me and I walk a line of balance every single day to keep everyone happy. Last on that list is me, but its OK. My dad told me last night that my life is the way that it is now because I like it. If I didn't like it...I would change it. What a simple but true statement. I just needed someone to tell me that they had sympathy. For what though, the fact that I have two healthy kids, have my own cancer free health, or is it that I have everything I said I wanted (job, kids, house, cars, great family). When I look at this I realize I don't need pity. I just need to learn how to say no!
When I was a young girl I dreamed of a career. I dreamed of business suits, lots of money, and corporate parties. That was the path that I envisioned in my life. At 15, I would say who cares about kids or there is always plenty of time for that. I wanted the high powered lifestyle.
I am unsure even now where along the timeline that the dream changed. I just know that I did a 180. I traded the business suits in for maternity pants, the endless money for a middle class lifestyle, and the corporate parties for Chuckie Cheese. At some point that life didn't matter. I grew up with a stay at home mom. In my head that is what you did when you had kids but I wanted it all. When my kids came before I made it up a corporate ladder, life changed. I decided to have the best of both worlds. I stayed home part of the day and worked the other.
Now, we all know that nothing in life (I do mean NOTHING) comes without a price. You just have to determine if that price is worth it. I do have the best of both worlds, however, the best of both worlds comes with more things to do and remember. My memory as you know has been effected. Doctors may or may not agree but I KNOW it has changed. I can no longer speak as fast as I think. I think that is why I like to write now. I have time to think of my funny things about life :)
Now I don't need the best of BOTH worlds. My priorities have shifted yet again just as they did when I had kids. Now I want the best of ONE world. I am sure it will shift again one day, but for now...sorry Hannah Montana, I don't want the Best of Both Worlds anymore!
I am excited, grateful, and nervous for this new adventure, but screams from the morning and chauffeuring kids actually couldn't be more wanted right now.
Today's quote is a great one.....
If it were not for hopes, the heart would break.
Thomas Fuller
I have hopes of watching my kids grow, learn, and make a difference here in this world. I hope I am here long enough to make a dent here. (and I also hope one day I can go to Italy :) sorry had to throw that in there!) what are your hopes?

Nerves

Five men carrying machine guns dressed in foreign military gear decided to come and pull me from my home in the middle of the night. I was taken in the dark of night to a place that looked like a waiting room and told to sit in a chair. They told me that I was going to go to prison. Not like the wonderful Americanized prisons, but a dark and creepy foreign one. I asked if I could at least tell my family what was going on. It was the middle of the night and they would be really scared and worried. They denied this request without hesitation. Miraculously, however, I was able to escape and get to my fearful family and tell them what was going on. I was there mere seconds before those machine gun armed men found me and quickly drug me back to the room. It was there that I had to sit and wait. I was told to wait to see if I was going to be a prisoner or would be released. I sat down angry, sad, and fearful for the worst. Waiting, waiting,waiting......I closed my eyes. I heard a beeping coming from one of the other rooms as I opened my eyes to see where the noise was coming from.......
I opened my eyes and realize that this horrific sequence of events was really only a DREAM.

And that folks is how I began this wonderful day!

I went to the doc today for my 6 month check up and I obviously (as you can see from my dream) was a little anxious! I waited patiently all morning and even made it in to the gym to burn off some nervous energy! The time came and blood was done. I waited another hour to hear the news. Lucky for me.....best news all day. I AM STILL CANCER FREE AFTER 6 MONTHS!!!! This really is the best thing that i have heard all day! Now off to work till 8:oo. Then maybe a nice celebratory glass of wine when I get home.
I am not really afraid to battle cancer again, but I really don't WANT to. It was not fun even though I may have played it out to be. It was exhausting and I didn't even realize that I was until I was done with treatment. I think we do what we have to do. This is no big secret. When your head runs your life amazing things are possible. I never realized how being positive really does CHANGE your life's path. I have experienced this first hand. It is so easy to slip back into old habits and thinking of the worst. Look at yesterday...I am not sure if I will ever be OK with these visits. I will try my best to look around and enjoy the ride rather than focus on the ups and downs that lie ahead. Live in the moment!

I am thankful yet again to wake up this morning to my daughters foot in my face and the alarm going off way too early! The nerves are for nothing on this beautiful day! I am still here and free of this mess, so for today that is all I need.

Chapter change

It's always too early to quit.
Norman Vincent Peale

No folks, I did not quit writing. I have just been revolving around a 6 year old's basketball schedule. Not to mention heading to ballet lessons, work, cleaning, and attempting to start a gym routine (yes selfish me wants to get healthy). I have thought about quitting but really I just enjoy it and this newly discovered hobby is what keeps me sane. (Yes I am sane most of the time)

I am moving towards the great chapter change and constantly second guessing myself and my choices. I have "officially" decided that I am going to stay home with my kids. I have been longing for this day since my first child was born 6 1/2 years ago. I have never been in a position to do this. (and I may not be yet, but life is TOO short to wonder) I am phasing myself slowly out of my job so the kids I work with will have little impact. I am sad to see this chapter go but am dealing with my overwhelming feelings of needing this. I have been fighting this choice and reasoning why I should not go but I know first hand that our time is limited and we should enjoy and the rest....it will come. There will never be enough money, never be enough time, and never enough "stuff".

Don't worry though my days of sitting by the non-existent pool eating bon bons will be limited. I will still never be home! Now there will be more time for errands, carpooling, and activities! The other thing to consider is my sanity. I have posted several times about the tales of my days.... now they will be longer :) It will be crazy, but it just would not be my life if it wasn't. I LOVE every second of this crazy life! For example, my lovely little diva decided one day she wanted to be on TV...for those that know her (or me) know that is NOT surprising at all! here is how the conversation went.
M: Mom, I wanna be on TV (like on Shake it up, a dance show)
Me: Oh yeah, like an actress??
M: No, I just want to have like powers or something so I can go in there by myself
Me: Oh...don't get stuck! :)
Yep, i can just see it now. That little face making the "oh so serious" look shaking her booty. Then after a long day on the set...."mom, will you sit with me and snuggle?" Yep, I love it!

So the choice is made, the people are informed, and the word is now public. I, the bald woman, will be taking on the ultimate adventure...stay home mom!!! Wish me luck. By the way, stay home mom means CEO of Friends of the Bald Woman is my new full time job! Is that still stay home mom??? Oh well who cares, I am chasing a dream here. If I make FBW succeed, great! If we fail.....well we won't because as I said at the very beginning, "It is ALWAYS too early to quit!!!!!"

don't give up on that dream, just realize what it is first! :)

Take the Risk

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I can't think of a more fitting quote today. I feel like I say that all the time! I am, as you may have read, struggling with some choices at the moment. (yes,...still the same choices) My post-cancer head and heart is telling me to do something that I feel at this time is a risk. It may very well be risk worth taking when I look back on this moment....just don't know.

I have finally made a decision that I have been going back and forth over for months. I can't tell you yet... sorry. The way I figure it is that we are here ONE time and we don't know for how long. How many times do we take the risk? I have taken the risk and won. I have also taken the risk and lost. Although each "loss" has brought me to a better place than I was before. If you can take the mindset of "loss" and change it to a "gain" you will never LOSE again! Why has it taken me so long to figure out what I have been telling others for a YEAR!!!? Why is our own advice the most difficult to take? (As the tootsie roll commercial says, "The world may never know")

Risk is only risk if you look at it like a win/lose situation. I really don't do that anymore. I take every loss and make it a learning experience, so I really have no reason to worry. I am, however, a person very afraid to fail. I hate to do things if I know the end result will be me failing. I am not living like that anymore. For some reason it took this long to figure that out, but now...watch out!