Strength

Feeling good today. I am very nervous for Thursday. It will be the fourth and final combo treatment. Then I will start the 12 weekly treatments. I know that this will get easier but I guess I am just hoping that last treatment was bottom. There is always a rock bottom point when you look back at things and I just don't want this coming up time to be worse. I felt last time like I actually had cancer. (This was really the first time I felt that) I should be happy that I haven't felt bad till then, but I think about all the people struggling with this feeling the whole time.
I went to a support group the other day and one of the women said that after she started to feel better is when she realized how sick she really had been.... that will be me I am sure.
There was a time when I had a crappy boyfriend (all you Missouri people know who that was), a full time job, a full time school schedule, and was 2500 miles away from my family. I look now and say, Woah, how/why the hell did I manage that... but you just do. I would not ever want to do it again, but glad I know I am capable of things.
Today on facebook I posted a saying that we saw at the Cancer Center Run. It said...

"You don't know how strong you are till strong is your only option."

I love this for many reasons, but mostly because I think it is 100% true. When everything is taken you have to react. We are all stronger than we realize but we don't always choose the road that will be more difficult (especially if it's our choice). When it's chosen for us we just do it...just do what needs to be done.
A few have said that I am strong or an inspiration. I thank you for saying that but I don't feel like one. I just feel like I do what needs to be done. It is very easy to get caught in the negative. I have done it a few times (especially lately)but I just keep one eye on the prize....my long life!! All of you out there would do the same thing! One thing I do hope that people take from watching or reading this is that attitude is everything. If someone can be happy about fighting cancer then it should be easy to be happy with everyday life, right??? You don't have to walk around everyday pumping sunshine to strangers on the street, but next big crisis ask yourself.... Will this really matter tomorrow or will this matter in a week, month, year, or when i am gone???? ....but I am just another number in this world that is hoping to bedazzle it enough to get noticed!!!

I promised at the very beginning of this adventure 3 things.....
1. I WILL COMPLAIN (MAYBE LOTS!)
2. I WILL LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS EXPERIENCE..EVEN IF IT IS JUST SOME NEW WORDS :)
3. I WILL USE THIS LESSON AND DO SOMETHING GOOD WITH IT AFTER THIS IS ALL SAID AND DONE

I will do all of these things and I will make my mark here.....