My head...... chill out! After lots of thinking I decided I wanted to take some pictures without my bandana or my hair on. It is like when you are pregnant and you don't want anyone to take your picture. You feel unattractive and don't want to be reminded, but after it's over and you are back to "normal" again....you wish you would have. Having done that twice with both kids before I decided to go for it.
Talk about insecure...wow...I had no idea how comfortable I felt in my ugly bandanas and my cute wigs. I really thought I was pretty secure with this bald woman thing. I look at myself in the mirror every night and know that this is a temporary thing and it too will pass. I look at my crazy Brit pics that I took in the beginning and laugh. I have not really cried much over it apart from a few times in the beginning. I have been bald for 4 months now..this is not a new thing. So why now I wonder, am I so insecure about it. The insecurity is driving me to be insecure about other things too. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. Why am I now comparing myself to everyone else around me?
I think it is because I was never really OK with it. I don't go bald except in my house and that is only at night. I don't like it. Just showing my sister last night while she did my makeup put me in this crazy insecure place. She is just so together. She always looks perfect with makeup, hair, and clothes. Both of my sisters are like that. I got the heaviness, bald head, and no makeup abilities. This makes me crazy even when I didn't have cancer. I know I have other great qualities and all that crap but for once I wish the outside matched what is on the inside! After the makeup was done last night it looked great (probably never going to be able to recreate it myself but looked great). I then just stared at my head and ripped apart everything else about myself. It was weird because I wanted this and I looked at myself and just felt awful with some great makeup! It took until I got there and started snapping pics before I forgot about that and just went with it. I am so glad that Andrea gave me the opportunity to capture this moment. I will love these and have a constant reminder of what is really important and that beauty is in everyone no matter what is on the outside. You have to know that within yourself though before anyone else will. I think because of yesterday's photo shoot I now feel there is a match. I don't think I will walk bald on the streets yet, but I am not really afraid to show anyone either.
I have showed more people in the last week my head than I have the whole time. I wish I was stronger and could just go around without all the fuss, but oh well huh. The middle school girls asked if they could see my head last week on our last day. With some hesitation I decided to go for it. A good friend told me I should use that power with them. (Bald Woman really is a superhero see!) They were a little shocked but all asked if they could touch it and loved how soft my hair was. I am pretty certain that there was a small mark left on each of those girls that day which made it worth doing. I think it was left because they hadn't seen it for four months and without me telling them it was a wig they would have never known. They saw me for who I am as a person not what I look like. They saw that hair or no hair I am still me like or not.
Now after thinking about this a bit more I am ready to forgive myself for not being OK with the bald thing. Who really would be anyway!? It was not my choice. I did not do it on purpose, so considering it was out of my hands....I think I can forgive myself for not liking it. (I never said I would not complain)
Thanks to Andrea for freeing me of my insecurities with this stupid head of mine! Thanks to Keri for making my outer appearance match what is on the inside.
The bald woman learned some valuable lessons today that hopefully will be able to be passed on to young women everywhere.
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