4th one down

Well another Thursday down, the fourth of twelve, and another 2am post. I have it down to a science now. I either sleep the first four hours from 10 till 2am or I am not able to sleep till 3 am and sleep till about 7. It is frustrating because I am so tired......

I am tired, but can't sleep
I am frustrated, but feel a calm
Thoughts are racing, but my body won't move
Want to sleep now, but will sleep at noon
No physical pain, but the toll is being taken on my brain
Will write till I am tired or the sunrises, which will come first?

I have one third completed now with the last set of meds and now over the half way point of this entire mental marathon (aka chemotherapy). I look back at what I have already accomplished this far and feel some pride. In the last 6 months I have 3 surgeries, lost every hair on my head, had millions of doctor visits and blood draws, completed 16 weeks of chemotherapy, and still...worked, ran miles, took care of two children under 6, and held on to positivity when some would see no reasons. Clearly, I did not do this on my own and have had the best support system ever. Once in a while though, I think it is OK to pat yourself on the back (without my wonderful sarcasms) and be proud of what you can do if you never stop moving forward! I would not have thought I could handle such difficulties and they are not done yet, but in this reflection tonight I can see I will never stop. I will not stop doing what needs to be done. I am close to hitting that moment where the finish line is in sight for this race. I can't wait.

I have been praying more these days and noticing that in ways I have never dreamed of they are being answered. I have gone to church, but not much lately. I am not sure why you would think I would go more now, but I think I just haven't found that place that I walk in the door and know...that is the right place for me. Don't get me wrong I actually like the church I attend, but occasionally it feels more of a habit than a need to go. For now these 2 or 3am nights seem to work. I am 100% sure that footprints story is happening to me right now though. Where God is walking with me and there are 2 sets of footprints. The times when there are only one, it is not because he has left me it is that is carrying me through the most difficult parts. I really feel the power of this story at this time in my life and I am thankful for the help.

I realize that this early morning post is not filled with the usually hilarious material that I normally do. Every so often I can be a bit serious...I think that personalities name is "Victoria" (she keeps us intelligent and does all the studying for us)! :) OK it s like 3:30am and I maybe finally ready to sleep????