I am a survivor of a disease that kills people on a daily basis. I have seen it over and over. Lives have been cut short and families turned upside down. I have been very open about my journey and all my thoughts after the journey ended. I will be honest yet again.....I often wonder why I didn't die. Hold on don't freak out I am not saying I wanted to die or anything. I am just still plagued by the question of why am I still here???? There are so many women, men, and children leaving this world before their time and I wonder why am I still here??? I have to believe that I am here for some business that is unfinished, right? well my purpose here is yet to be known??? I am thankful that I am here and I honestly strive to make a difference in this world each day that I am blessed to open my eyes. This really is how I live....most of the time.
Today, however, I lost it. I feel as if I have failed a BIG test. I had the chance to prove that I am thankful yet again in the worst of situations, but I FAILED. As a girl who absolutely is driven by competitions I can't forgive myself for breaking down today. Stress has been building in my head for a long while, with the job loss of my husband over 7 mo ago, work, kids, and general life problems. Today I threw a tantrum of sorts and giant pity party. I lost it.....yelled, cried, and completely forgot about all I have to be thankful for. I have PERFECT HEALTH, 2 absolutely amazing children, a husband that has been next to me in some of the worst situations, and a family that is ALWAYS a phone call away. I am telling you this now that my freak out is over because I know many of you out there believe that I am always soooo positive. The truth is most of the time...I AM LIKE THAT. I really do try to find good in everything (literally everything) and I really do work hard to live a purposeful life. there are times I guess that I too am human and have moments when I too need a cheerleader. Today, lucky for me I had just that, a mom and grandma to put life into perspective. Apparently I am human....don't tell anyone. I kind of like everyone thinking I am some superhuman incapable of feeling negative emotions...lol!
I AM a survivor though and I live like one.... I know I am capable of the most difficult things as long as I BELIEVE in myself first. I am going through hell right now, but tired or not being a survivor of cancer has taught me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will win. I have climbed much greater mountains than this and I still have this life to live so for me to waste it being upset about the things I cannot change! I can do anything and I really should have the "I'm a survivor" song playing as I walk down the streets.....wouldn't it be awesome to have theme music!!!!
Writing is my balancer these days and I have not been doing enough of it lately so hopefully soon I will get back to the weekly posts....no I WILL get back to them! There it is out there now so I am committed! Gonna see a little change up for the BW (bald woman) diaries....got some big plans to come!
Just on a side note....3 years ago today the world lost a wonderful man, father, and grandfather and I will forever miss my grandpa. I learned the true spirit of family from him and I will never forget the wonderful memories I have of him. He will live on in our hearts.... until we meet again ;(
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