the ride

I imagine life as a roller coaster. It has ups and downs, twists you didn't see, times you go so fast, and times you putter to the top.

This time last year, I was in full swing with my treatments. I was having chemo every two weeks and could not see that far ahead anymore. I have always been a planner so this alone was difficult for me. I had to stop looking into the future and start thinking about the moment. When I sat in my "spa" chair trying to hurry up time I had to keep reminding myself to enjoy the ride. Enjoy the ride you may think....with chemo! Yes, enjoy the ride. Enjoy the needle sticking out of your shoulder with bags of colored medicines that make you nauseous, cold, and irritable. That my friends is real living, and the best thing which i was reminded of the other day is the shots! Oh the shots, the harmless little poke in the back of the arm with the best intentions of "stimulating" white blood cell growth, oh how I miss you! I did enjoy this ride. I enjoyed sitting with my mom EVERY week for 5 months talking, laughing, and watching hgtv. I enjoyed the crazy pictures that we took while there in crazy wigs. I loved trying to make everyone laugh more so they would cry less. They all did alot of that, at first....the mood quickly shifted. what made this journey so special was not the pain, the meds, or the sick feelings. What made it WAS that ride and everything that happened along it.

It has now been 6 months and time has flown by. I used to long for the days to be over and now I am so thankful each time I start a new one. My "old" life I wanted to hurry hurry hurry in EVERYTHING. My whole life was set up around that concept and so when I went through this experience and came out new me....well it just doesn't work anymore. A "new" me has been dropped into this hurry hurry life and well...it's not working. I don't want to hurry hurry anymore. I have spent the last six months feeling like something is WRONG with me and wondering why I can't seem to readjust. This lovely part of cancer is not really talked about....re-entering life! What a ride that has been. From running a non-profit, going to work, raising children, and taking care of my house all of the things that made the first ride so special (the journey) has at times been lost. I now work twice as hard to simplify my life! (I know I know...typing that alone makes me laugh!)

Slow moving or flying through we all have those moments when we want both of these things to happen. Maybe instead of focusing on the speed of the ride we should just sit back and enjoy it!