Life

Quote of the Day
Life is half spent before we know what it is.
George Herbert

Not here....Lucky me gets to know what it's about a bit earlier than halfway. I am not going anywhere at 60!!!!! I will be like 90 at least! :)

I heard two stories in the last two days that really shook me. The both had to do with cancer in the brain, both were spread there by another cancer, and both came on very quick. It definitely makes this disease more real to me. When you are fighting this thing you keep your eye on the end. I had so much focus on the "end of chemo" and now the "end of radiation" (which is Aug 17th if you haven't heard)! When you do that, your focus goes there, your anger, your hope, and even your happiness...everything focused on that day. Then the day comes and goes and you begin to think and see and hear about what you have just done. This stupid disease takes lives and it could've taken mine. That is alot to process. I am still here and obviously I have much more work left to do. I have to remind myself more often right now not to focus on that negative side. I will tell you even for Ms. Positivity here that is hard. When you have something that threatens your life it is hard not to think about it. The fact that they can't even tell me 100% that I am done dealing with this (for the rest of my life) is even less comfortable. Doing with style once is one thing...more than once...I am not going to find out.
OK I think I have got all my negativity out for the day...sorry. My heart and prayers go out to each of those families and I hope that a miracle comes their way! (Never know..seen a few in 30 years)
No matter if you are fighting for your life, living your life, or anything in between just remember what it is that is important to you and surround yourself with it.

Time

On this blog I get daily quotes and the ones I like the most end up on facebook and here. Yesterday's was this.....

Time is what we want most, but what we use worst.
William Penn

Oh time... How I wish it could just hurry up sometimes. The whole time I am wishing it away I am wasting it.....Time is funny little thing isn't it. It's like everything else we have in our lives is held on to, let go, cursed, praised, kept, forgotten, and too often used poorly. Why are we never satisfied? Watch the movie "Click" for a great example of this. We could have all the time in the world and wish it would "hurry up". How many times have you hurried time with your young children only to wish it would slow down when they are older. Being in the current moment of time is difficult. If we were more content with what we have maybe we could live in the moment more. I have a hard time with this too believe me.

Try this...for one day be totally satisfied with EVERYTHING...the amount of money, kind of house, the screams out of the working lungs of your children, the crappy cold coffee you are drinking, and the constant interruptions when you are trying to type really important information on your blog!!!!! (OK that one was mine) Toss away the watch and for one day do not worry about time. Eat when you are hungry not when it is "time", play, and be in the day and moment not the time. I have done this before (at first it was because of the chemo brain and I couldn't remember the day or time) but now it is fun. I can't live my whole life like that at this moment but sometimes for sure. Caution to you strict schedule followers....You will not like this but it is good for you....I promise!

Good luck and let me know how it goes! (Don't start making excuses for why you can't. If you are a person you can do this...It's ONE day out of your life. You can still do things that are mandatory on a schedule but challenge yourself to do the rest of the day!)

Fear

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
Anais Nin

Perception is everything isn't it?

Last night my 6 year old son attended a break dance workshop put on by the Massive Monkeez. They were on America's Best Dance Crew and are amazing break dancers. He has been out of break dance class for a few months for summer break. He went to the workshop excited and as soon as he arrived his tone changed. He got very nervous and quiet. Anyone that knows my son knows he is anything but quiet especially when it comes to dancing. When it was time to get up and go in there he said no. He said he didn't want to go. I told him it was time and helped slightly push him in the direction of the door where his teacher stood. His teacher greeted him and said come on. He turned his head and looked at my smile and went in. He took a 2 hour class with kids that were 13-19 years old. Just to remind you he is 6!!! He was intimidated at first but quickly perked up and tried every single thing they were teaching. He didn't get them all right, and some were really challenging for him. I never once saw him quit and never once saw him not try.
He made a choice right there as we all often do. He was afraid. He could have let that fear take over, but he didn't. I am so proud of him pushing through a fear and just doing it. How many times have we as adults chose to not do something based solely on fear? Fear can stop us from so many things in life. It could be fear of rejection, not being good enough, or fear of the unknown. So what to all those fears....what if we are rejected, what if we are not the best, what if we don't know what comes next? I learned a great lesson from my 6 year old last night. No matter what comes at you just keep moving forward. It is like the saying says, "We have nothing to fear except fear itself"
I read the tough guy poem yesterday morning to my son and explained how tough guys are in each of us when we need them. Last night after his workshop I asked him if the tough guy came out and with a big smile he said "I am the tough guy!"
Whatever you may be fearful of today weather it is cancer or a big test remember that we all have a tough guy within us. Have less fear and more faith!

The Tough Guy

The tough guy never flinches
he never moves a muscle
He goes through life unafraid
and always brings his hustle

He never backs down from a fight
and he never walks away
A tough guy will take one in the eye
and still come back another day

The tough guy takes some falls
he takes some great big beatings
He gets back up and tries again
with a knowledge that is defeating

No matter what or who he's fighting
he always does the same
He goes head on with the attitude
that he is gonna win this game

They say that when the going gets tough
that tough will only get going
Its true he will rise to the top
sometimes without even knowing

This guy that sounds so fierce and tough
that I speak of hear today
Is in fact not just a man
that fights things everyday

He can be in any shape or form
he can be a woman or a man
He is the one in each of you
who knows that no matter what, he can

Old or young, big or small
you have him in times of doubt
When you fall just get back up
and the tough guy will come out

Tough Guys

Tough times never last, but tough people do.
Robert H. Schuller

I had to put this quote in here. I love it. We all go through tough times. We deal with good and bad things in our lives all the time. They come and go throughout lives like a roller coaster. The WAY in which we deal with times like these is the key to being a tough person. As long as we ride out the good and go through the bad learning things we too can be tough.

The toughest people I know are not afraid of anything. They take each challenge head on and don't quit. Those people learn from every fall and then get up and do it again a little differently. Those people inspire and change ways of thinking. They do this most of the time without even realizing it. Tough people come directly from tough times. If nothing difficult ever came your way you would never find out what you are made of. Another favorite quote that goes so well with this today is this...

You never know how tough you are until tough is your only option.

Now go out today and tackle all of your life's challenges with the attitude that ANYTHING is POSSIBLE. If you fall, learn something and then get back up and do it again.

The Battles Continue

Yesterday at the gym I was talking with another lady that works as a volunteer at the cancer center. She and I were talking about the programs they have to offer. I suggested a class or group for women in their 30's or younger. For me it would have been nice to not only know there were others this young out there but connect with them because of similar life experiences. Maybe I will do this as a class. I would like to start the charity, but am having difficulties understanding the setup and paperwork piece. I have so many things to do and a short window....guess that is better than nothing to do and tons of time, right?

On a different note, the battles here continue to roll on. Parenting reminds of a great battle. There are ups and downs, stratigical thinking, and sneak attacks. It is a battle of wills and power. There is no winner or loser but we dance through each day trading rolls of the "lead".
I took my 2 year old to dance last night. Sometimes I wonder if it is for me or for her. She is hit and miss on her listening and sometimes she just stands there staring....Then, just when I am ready to say OK let's try this again at another time...she busts out at home with the moves they have been working on in class. I am wondering if this is just power for her? Everyone that knows this little 2 year old diva knows she loves to be in charge. She knows every button to make me crazy. Is that what "good parenting" is knowing the buttons they push and getting through it without going crazy?
My son hits the argue button daily many many times and I am pretty close to going crazy with that one. His new thing is telling me how many years till he drives, it is 10 by the way. I think this is a new weapon on behalf of the kids. It is like their version of psychological warfare. I don't want to think about him growing up like that....AHHHHH! IN the great battle between bald woman (me) and the little people (them) I think I am losing currently, but that is the beauty of this great battle (otherwise known as PARENTING) it goes up and down constantly. I could be back on top as soon as I flash a cookie! This is one battle I would never want to miss a second of. This must be good preparation for the most difficult piece of the battle....The TEEN years!

Post chemo thoughts

Well the last few days have been busy. Radiation appears to still be going well. It is really a strange thing though. Other than the noise the machine makes you would never know anything is happening. I hear 4 zapping sounds and then leave. It is quite the opposite of the chemo. I am 1/3 of the way done and am on #12 of 33 today.

Here are the major highlights of life currently.....

The Hair:
The hair is slowly, I mean slowly, coming back. I still currently look like a man with boobs, but all in good time right. I have stopped wearing the wigs for now (mostly because it is about 100 degrees outside). I do not like the way it looks right now at all but am happy that the hair is my own.

The Boobs:
Got to keep them.... Think I made the wrong choice! New and better boobs sounds much better right about now. One appears smaller than the other (probably 2 surgeries worth). One will be tan here shortly from the radiation and has began to slightly have some discomfort. They too however, are my own so that is OK I guess!

The Body:
It shockingly is keeping up with the trainer sessions and workouts. I am happy to say that with a small amount of training prior to, I ran a 10k. That is about 6.2 miles. I decided to get back out there and try. My time was slower than I had hoped (hour and 3 min), but I finished. The thing I was most pleased with is that 3 weeks ago I was sitting in a chemo chair and now 3 days ago I was running 6 miles. This race taught me alot about racing against myself. It was hard to have so many people passing me and not physically being able to keep up with everyone that I wanted to. I did finally somewhere around mile 3 accept that this was a race to see if I could complete it, and not compete in it! To my amazement I did it and I am so happy that I did. Half marathon in Sept. here I come!!!!

The Fam:
All are great. Same old battles with each other and I love and cherish every one of them!!!! Still write something to be thankful for each day in my journal. I have one thing everyday since may.

The Mind:
It is strange how when chemo is done you are just cut off. The docs that were a part of your life soooo much just pass you to the next one. Family too, sort of. Now the immediate threat of my death has passed all is good. I must be fine now, right? This is strange for the person with the cancer. Everyone was overly concerned for so long and then literally one day (last chemo treatment)....OK your on your own. I think that everyone thinks that when the last chemical is pumped you are fine and it is over. Mostly....I am and it is. I do still get really tired, moody, and still forgetful as ever. I am not saying this to get anything from anyone I promise, but more to capture a strange feeling you have when treatments are complete. This may be out of the thoughts of others, but to me I think this is my time to analyze what just happened. I think more now about how I could have died than I did while I was doing the treatment. (I am still in treatment too...I won't call myself a survivor till radiation is complete Aug 17) In treatment all you focus on is your end date...that gets you through (along with the huge support from family and friends). When that is over and the date has come and gone and the help has come and gone....you are returned to your "normal life" but with a different person. You have to now make a new "normal" with who you are now. It is really difficult sometimes to recreate this with your new mind. I am eternally grateful to each and every single person who helped me to get through this experience. It really is the reason I kept up a pretty good attitude.

I will continue to do crazy things, have a crazy life, and LOVE every second of it. Maybe more now than before. My goal in life is to help, inspire, and reach as many people as God will allow. For now it is daily trips to overpriced "tanning" and then daily pills to make this not be a reality ever again......the reality is though.....
It doesn't matter. Cancer or no cancer I will live this way regardless. I could fight this a million times and each time I will give it all I have and live the exact same way! That to me is finally feeling at peace, and who could ask for anything more!