Roll in the New Year

Many of you know that this year so far in my 33 years has been the worst year of my life. I have attended about 5 funerals, been one of the millions of people effected by the unemployment and layoffs the whole year, and seen things with these eyes that nobody should ever see. I have not been the same this year and I am sorry for the lack of pep in my step. I have said many times a cheerleader occasionally needs a cheerleader....and I had them! As I wrap my head around how to sum up this year of my life I would like to say it was all horrible and worst year ever, BUT I really can't. This year I made new friends, achieved goals once thought impossible, my kids achieved their goals, my husband gained appreciations he never thought possible, and was given numerous signs from those lost that they were still right here with me smiling. I could never call that a bad year.

If anyone has read the post My Big Race (http://thinkpink-holly.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-big-race.html) it really mirrored my life this year. I decided at the end of last year to do a triathlon this summer and at some point after this goal was achieved I thought, "hey why not check off marathon off that bucket list too". So I did that too. After reading my recap of this race I really feel it mirrored my life this year. Literally so check it out if you want. Who would have thought running, my only sanity, would have become so important in my life. Its hard, I have wanted to quit a billion times and then I think about me a year ago.... You can only gain your strength from struggles! This my friends is 100% me! Everything I have had happen to me up to this moment has strengthened me for this most recent challenging year. If I had not gone through the other trials of my life I may not have been able to take this year. You cannot go out and just run a marathon one day with never having run a day in your life....this year was hard just as my marathon was hard. It was filled with challenges and chances to quit. I didn't then and I won't now. Checking that marathon off the bucket list was great but it really prepared me for my biggest race...LIFE 2012!

This year I received 2 random acts of kindness (google the Christmas jar to read about one of them). I have been in dark days since the latest loss of my grandma, but these random acts reminded me that I was loved. It felt like my loved ones were reminding me of their love for me and those people that did those things for my family really truly gave me the greatest gift..my spirit restored. I had a wonderful few days of happiness and all my cares literally went away for a few days. Those people will never truly know how they changed my life, my year even! thank you just doesn't seem to cut it, but thanks are very much in order.  I struggled this year, yes, but I really had a better time than I thought . I looked back last week at over 1000 pictures on my phone of this year and could not believe how many wonderful memories I created and forgot about. We often only focus on our struggle but fail to see the strength we gained and the beauty that comes out only after something difficult! What a year!!!

  I have seen angels walk this earth everyday reminding us that it is going to be OK! You could be one for someone and not even know it so treat people everyday like you can change their lives! :)

Gotta do a traditional HOLLY top 10 list.....

Top Ten Most Inspirational Song Lyrics for me this year:

1. "I will stand back up, you'll know just the moment when I've had enough" -best Sugarland song to show you to never give up no matter how bad life knocks you down  :)

2. "You're gonna miss this" -Trace Adkins (best song for remembering how fast life really goes)

3. "I've got my toes in the water, *** in the sand" -Zac Brown Band (love this for remembering you can be happy no matter where you are!!)

4. "It's a great day to be alive" - Travis Tritt ( need i say more....we all need a little reminder to appreciate things some days!)

5. "Livc like you were dying"- Tim McGraw ( absolute favorite Timmy song to keep me focused on what is important in life)

6. "She was something, but....This ain't nothing" Craig Morgan (love this song when I want to remember that this mess will pass)

7. "If you ain't got nothing you got nothing to hold you back"- Tim McGraw (song is called down to my last dollar and I love it I smile every time I hear it)

8. "Dedicate yourself and you'll find yourself standing in the hall of fame" -The Script/Will I.A.M (wow powerful song to inspire you to do anything you put your mind to- work hard and you will win)

9. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"-Kelly Clarkson (love this for some serious butt kicking motivation!!)

10. "If your going through hell keep on moving, don't slow down if your scared don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows your there!" - Rodney Atkins (freaking best song to listen to when you are down!)

Happy New Year everyone and make 2013 the best year yet! I sure will :)

Oh yes my new years resolutions just to put them out there for all to keep me accountable to.....

1. Compete in an Olympic Triathlon
2. Qualify for the Boston Marathon
3. Start a jar that each time something good happens in life write it on a note and put in the jar. on new years eve we will read how great our 2013 really was!!!

The monkey

I heard another monkey story the other day that I found fitting. It involved a study done with a monkey and cage. There were two cages and they would shock the monkey on one side of the cage and naturally it would jump to the other side of the cage. (I realize this story is not the nicest for animal rights but I am only retelling it for a purpose not condoning the study) They would shock, it would switch sides, and it continued to do this behavior when in pain/danger. Then they decided to shock both sides of the cage. They did this and the monkey tried to go to the "safe" side but it was getting shocked there too so it would hop back to the other. What they found out was the monkey then went into a state of rage and anger for a bit and then laid down and simply gave up. There was no safe side anymore so it just laid there with no effort to move anymore.

The reason for this not so nice story is this...In life we all kind of lose our "safe" side. We get mad and we all too often just lay down and give up. There are few though that no matter how many times they have been shocked, kicked, or beaten up they will continue to get up and try again. What makes those people different? What is the breaking point of fighting and finally deciding that enough is enough and just laying down? I struggle with this constantly. Life this last year has not been kind, not been easy, and certainly not been any fun. It has been hard, sad, and the most challenging year yet. What I have learned however in this mess is this...I will not lay down! I will jump from side to side, get shocked until I am no longer breathing and unable to move. I get mad and then I get stronger each time I am pushed down. No mountain climber will tell you that it is an easy journey and life too will never always be easy but we really need to be reminded in these dark times that the journey up is what matters. What you learn about yourself and your limits right away is just as magnificent as the view. Maybe that is why the view is so amazing because its the end of that difficult journey.

Cancer taught me this lesson. This awful year has taught me this lesson. My journey is not over so I will get strong, I will get tougher, and I will see what really is important in life.  We will all be given the opportuntiy to learn this lesson.....will you lay down and quit or will you never give up and just keep jumping?

Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it.
Irving Berlin

This is not my first time posting this quote but each time I have seen it come through it has been at a moment when it was needed. Today I needed to see this advice and as if by another random accident I have a picture that fits perfectly to go with it. Really thinking there are no "accidents" in life.  Here is the pic.....

This pic today reminded me that even in our darkest days of life there is ALWAYS beauty around us!! Our reactions to things really are 90% of life. I am in dark days right now from my life's twists and turns and seeing this pic today helped me to realize that there really can be beauty NO MATTER WHAT LIFE BRINGS YOUR WAY!
As we approach Christmas this year we always think of ways to help others. Many  adopt families, participate in toy drives, and help those in need. This is wonderful but today think about doing something no matter how small for someone in one of those "thankless" type jobs. Make a sign and treat and attach it to your trash can for the trash guys to have. Give your bus driver a Starbucks card. Dump the trash for your janitor today and leave a little treat saying thank you.  Just think about those who work hard each day to get through life and give them a chance to see their rainbow! Just a thought on my next project....documenting these random acts. If you do something nice for someone else send me an email (hollyb@friendsofthebaldwoman.com) or post under here. I would like to feature them on the fb page or even create a book with all ideas to share and inspire those around us to think of others and bring smiles to each person we meet! Have a wonderful day and don't forget to share those moments with us here :)

Giving thanks to cancer

Here is the window to my heart today....

We have been talking alot this month about what we are thankful for. Family, friends, and gifts. I am sharing today what I am thankful for....CANCER! Yep, I said it. THANK YOU CANCER! No, I have not gone crazy but I see something else that you may not see when this word comes up.

Cancer....what comes to mind when you hear this word?
Disbelief, confusion, anger, rage, sadness, helplessness, tears, or death? Try hearing these words....it is exactly what I thought too. I worried about my kids (who were 2 and 5 years old). Can you imagine....don't even try its pretty crappy! Looking back on this journey and even as I read my old posts I feel as if I am reading someone else's life story not mine. It was one of the toughest things I have ever done, BUT I gained way more from cancer than I lost. If that is true then how do I ever look back and wish it never happened? I don't wish that and I never have. I got confidence, I got stronger, and I got this drive that pushes me everyday through life's ups and downs.

I have lost several friends this year and both of my grandmas. It has been the worst year of my life and I often wonder what is the point. Watching these people that were so important in my life be here one day and not the next has been the most difficult thing I have ever gone through (Yes even over CANCER). It makes me think about MY life a lot more. Sometimes I think what is the point?  I am broken. I have very little hope. I have been knocked down and continuously beaten as I try to get up. And just as I get to the point where I think I can't take even another day or another step.....there they are. People. People on this earth never cease to amaze me. They come in your life just when you need it the most as if perfectly placed to come in at that precise moment. I am surrounded by those people and they know who they are. Thank you to those who comment on the facebook page or on here (it lets me know that someone out there has read this). Thank you to those who have brought me surprises in my times of greatest need. Thank you to my family for always being there to lend an ear or a hand. Thank you to the most amazing group of survivors that I have ever known (you motivate me to continue this crazy journey each day). I have more to thank cancer for than to be upset about.

Today as I write this I am thankful for these things (I really am),  but also in a strange place of seeking purpose in this life I have been spared. I am alive. I have been left here on this earth for something. It was not my "time" to go, so now what? At 33 years old how do you live all these years now with fear that this can return or watching my friends pass away of the same thing that you have just been spared of. All I can come up with is this....I am here. It doesn't matter why. what does matter is that if I am here, I need to LIVE. Living is being happy, sad, mad, crazy, wonderful, and enjoying every second of it. I will LIVE my life as full as I am allowed to and will keep telling others these crazy thoughts I have. I will do this because I feel that we all need to appreciate this amazing gift we are given each day and hopefully these posts can do that for someone.

Ahhh life, what a ride it is....I feel as if I am watching my life speed by sometimes and can't seem to catch up. Its funny really how many times you want it to just "slow down for a minute" so you can do something only to be wishing for it to "just hurry up" in the next breath. I don't think for a moment we will ever be content with the speed in which it is going. I am just thankful today that I am here to enjoy it. I hope you appreciate this gift you have been given today. :)


***Oh yeah I can't forget the highlight of my day today....

Today I got to witness the most amazing thing with my daughter. She tried out at 5 years old for a competitive gymnastics team with kids 5-8 years old. She was the only 5 year old there. Anyone that knows this little sparkly sassy diva knows that listening is not her strongest suit. She has a mind of her own and likes to use it! (and she is 5) I saw her for 2 hours focused on this tryout. Amazing , right. Well it gets better. She was attempting one of the skills with kids several years older than her by her side. She attempted one of the skills and did 2 of the 5 that she was supposed to do. I watched her tear up as she struggled with the 3rd one. She paused and cried (not loudly but tears were flowing) and then with the tears flowing she pushed her way through the last 2 that she had to do. She finished to cheers and high fives and calmed down to finish the last hour of the tryout. I sat on the edge of my seat watching this happen. I wanted to run over hug her and cry with her. The determination and drive that she showed today at only 5 years old in her time challenge was inspiring. I am forever changed by seeing this moment with her today. I beamed with pride and still am!! I want to push harder through my difficulties of life because of her and what she showed today! AMAZING.......  :) YES IT WAS!!

These right here are them moments that will be with me for the rest of my life!

THE BIG RACE

Well I did it. I am finally a marathoner! I have been working on the Triathlon and Marathon training for such a long time that to finally have completed them both is really quite surreal. I figured it would be fitting to give you a recap of the race.....


Pre Race- 6AM
Whooohoo! So excited, nervous, feeling like I was going to vomit....It was so great to hop on the train to join the other 10,000 people that ran the marathon and half marathon. There were people everywhere, music playing, people stretching, lines half mile long to use one of the 500 porta potties. I was a nervous ball of energy. You could not help but smile with the thousands of people awaiting their start.

Race time- 7AM
Oh yeah here we go....waited about 15 minutes to get our corral of people over to the start line to ultimately run for the next 4 1/2 hours or more. I was a bit freaked out I have to admit because I don't really like doing ANYTHING FOR OVER 4 HOURS!!!! Yikes but here goes nothing and was off with the gun!

Miles 0-4
Wow...bands on every corner with loud fun music playing everywhere. The streets were filled with people cheering and holding up signs for their loved ones. We were flying through the crowd of people passing and weaving our way through the crowd. Looking for the pace setter for 4:25 time....where are they??? I am smiling and cheering for every band as we run by.

Miles 5-10
Still flying through the crowd and enjoying the scenery of Portland. Found the pace setter and PASSED HER! Oh yeah this is going great!!! Smile is so big right now!

Miles 11-13
Ok I am honestly feeling a bit fatigued now at this point. I chalk it up to nerves and my brain trying to tell me to stop. I decide to cut pace just a bit. My friends are still within sight but I am gonna slow down to save a bit of energy. I watched the half marathoners split off and remember the girl at the train stop telling me about her first race and how jealous she was of them being finished when she still had half a race to go. Damn that smart girl....I too think the same exact thing as they break off from us. I laugh and keep moving...

Miles 14-16.5
OK feeling a bit tired but stopping a water stations. The crowd dies down a bit here but band plays somewhere in there. Smiling a little less right now but keep going.

Miles 16.5-18
HOLY HELL....OK so this is the kicker where we had to run up some ridiculous incline to get to the St. Johns bridge. Yikes...this my friends is where I begin my self doubting...oh no I can't do this, I don't want to do this, I hate my friends, and many more things are running through my mind. I miraculously make it up this hill to cross the longest bridge on the planet (well it sure felt like it). as I get about halfway I see a photographer I make sure to put my happy smile on and give him a thumbs up (don't want people to think this is hard or anything).

Miles 18-23
WORST TIME of my life! This is the most difficult time of the race. I decide during this time that I need to stop and walk for no more than 30 seconds and then not again for at least a mile (which all but 2 times coordinated with a water station). So that my friends is how I made it through those miles. At one point somewhere around 21 miles I thought about quitting....I actually thought in my head that I can not take another step and I will just quit right now. I then think and glance back at the bridge behind me and think of the 21 miles I have already done and how stupid it would be if I quit so close to the finish line (I mean what would my facebook friends think???). My knees are shaking with every step, my calves are cramping, and my head is completely done. I think of my kids, husband, and family at home that was texting me along my whole race. I think of my lost loved ones. I think of my tattoo conveniently located on my foot saying "keep moving forward". To my huge surprise my feet kept taking one step in front of the other. My brain tried so hard to fight me and make me quit. I kept focusing on one step at a time and sure enough finally made it to mile 24 sign. NO smiles at this section!!

Miles 24-26
At this point I was given some kind of weird burst of energy...I realized that I was 2 miles from my medal, bragging rights, and free t shirt to wear everywhere! I did not stop again after the water station until I crossed the finish line. The crowds got bigger, bands got louder, and I look at the ground and saw a chalk sign in front of me that said FREE BEER AHEAD....I ran faster! At mile 24.5 I sipped my free beer at the "beer station". It was the best tasting thing I have ever had! I pushed as hard as could through the last 2 miles to finally see what I have been dreaming of for 6 months...MILE 26!

Mile 26
After seeing this sign I get the most amazing feeling coming over me. I am proud, exhausted, and so happy. Then I realize a marathon is actually 26.2 miles...OK great .2 wont be that bad right??? .2 was crazy....I knew through every corner and twist and turn through the city that I would see the finish line somewhere.... maybe??? I pushed harder and finally I rounded a corner and there it was....the finish line!!

The finish line
BEST PLACE ON EARTH!!! Food, pictures, and excitement fill the finishers area. I am feeling a bit like I am drunk and stumbling through people handing me gifts and telling me great job. It was pretty FREAKING AWESOME! I collect my things, eat some food, and find my friends. I can barely walk but make it to the train to shower and drive home! BEST TIME of my LIFE!

Lessons:

1. Quitting is something your head will always tell you to do when things get hard...even if you barely move...KEEP MOVING FORWARD and NEVER STOP!

2. We are capable of way more than we think we are. If you think you can do it....GO FOR IT!!

3. Marathons are awful, wonderful, difficult, and TOTALLY worth it....just like life is!

4. It was truly the most difficult physical thing I have done so far but I CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN!!!

5. Having your family in your heart will take you further than anything else so make sure to appreciate how wonderful they are!!!

Here we are at the end!!!! ( I am the one in the middle kinda looking like I may vomit on someone!!!)

Missing You

I am missing you today .......for my nanny :(





They ask me how I am doing and I smile and just say fine
I don't have the words to say whats really on my mind

My heart just feels so broken and shattered there on the floor
I can't see how it will be the same it's so different than before

Flashbacks of the good times are haunting me day and night
I wish to God I could turn back time and make this all alright

I hide my pain behind a smile and pretend so they can't see
they all think I am a rock but I am just as weak as weak can be

My days consist of sadness and pain beyond compare
I go to the phone to call you and forget that your not there

I begged and pleaded and prayed today that it was only just a dream
but woke up today without you here and I can't help feel its just so mean

I am alone in a room but surrounded by all those who care
but their words just don't change the way I feel so I just sit and stare

They say that time will heal all wounds and this pain will soon subside
but they don't know what I see, each time I close my eyes

I know your up there dancing and happy with your love
but please look down from time to time with love from up above

I will keep moving forward but today its just too hard to do
so I will stop and sit awhile and think of the good times I had with you

Back to the Bucket List

Ahhh the bucket list....Visit NYC, skydiving, stay in penthouse suite, meet Oprah, run a marathon....the list goes on and on. Today though, I figured I'd tell you a little story about how one of them got checked off the list on my recent cancerversary trip to the beach.

 It was a random act of kindness by our friends that really starts the story..... My family and I have been dealing with a layoff of over 11mo with no work in sight. It has been harder than anything I have ever done (including battling cancer). It is living in a constant survival mode. I am OK with that for temporary purposes but it feels as if someone said, "hey go run this race, but we are not going to tell you how long it is... but you can't stop running till we say so". AHH!!
Anyway, layoffs suck right? Life changes yet again in my house and we adjust, as we always do. One thing cancer has taught me is that whether you like it or not you have to keep moving forward. Which brings me to my recent cancerversary.... It was my 2nd cancerversary and my daughters birthday on the same day. We are blessed with some amazing friends that invited us to their condo at the ocean to stay with them for a few days. This was already an amazing proposition for us, but happened to coincide with our special day too! WOW! After a really tough few months this was the amazing gift we needed and at just the right time.
We headed off to our adventure and were surprised with an oceanfront condo fully decked out in pink streamers for the occasion. The days we happened to pick to be there were the hottest in a while. On the Oregon coast that is crazy. It is always beautiful but typically cold. I have been many times but never when you could wear a tank top! It was amazing. I sat down on the beach watching my kids play and said a little thank you prayer. It was recharging, filled with beauty as the waves rolled in, and I felt for a moment not a worry in the world.
We stayed for 3 days but it was exactly what we needed and was given to us exactly when we needed it the most. It was a great trip filled with fun activities, relaxing, and amazing friends. I couldn't have asked for anything more to make this trip more amazing.....and then somehow it got even better.
I told you this was about a bucket list item not my trip :)
On our last day my son was using his skim board. He had been obsessed with it our whole time there. By the last day he had figured it out and gotten pretty good. I sat there on the last day staring at the magnificent ocean and again was thankful for our time. I noticed off to the right of my son a boy. He didn't appear to have ever been to the ocean. He was dressed in long sleeves and shorts and was only a bit bigger than my son. He had a boogie board (the thicker kind that go out to help you body surf the waves). He kept watching my son and his friend do the skim boards. He would watch and then take his boogie board and throw it down in the shallow waters and try to skim board on it. It is not for that so his attempts were continuously unsuccessful. For a good 15 minutes I am noticing this boy by himself try to do what my son was doing and  then eventually someone ran over to him and told him to take it out in the waves. He did for a few minutes. My son had come over to me in that time and I pointed out that the boy had been watching them and trying to use his board for the same thing. He watched him in the waves for a minute then back to his skim boarding. My son then became aware of him and when he came out of the waves he looked at me. He said nothing but gave me a look and I knew what he was going to do. All I had to do was shake my head. It needed no words for either of us. He walked over to the boy and asked him if he wanted to learn how to skim board. He gave him the board and showed him how to do it. The boys face completely changed. It lit up like the 4th of July. He was so happy. I started to get tears myself. It feels amazing to help people and that is why I do it every chance I can, BUT to see my 8 year old son do a random act of kindness for someone was even more amazing than what I could have imagined. It was a perfect full circle of events. It started with a random act of kindness and ended on paying it forward to another. It was the perfect end to the trip.

Holly's Bucket List
Item #13. To see my kids do a random act of kindness (unsolicited by me)- DONE 8-18-2012

What kind of random act of kindness can you do for someone today??? It could be as simple as a smile to someone who needs it!

The logo story

OK I promised a story of how our Friends of the Bald Woman logo came to be.......

I guess before I can start with the logo I have to tell you about the blog. This blog was only called Think Pink for a long time. My then 5 year old son, often came in and watched me type my daily posts to update all who read about the humors of my tumors (omg...that is funny and I literally just now made that up! too funny).

I was typing one day and he looked at the title and looked at me. He said, "Think Pink, that is kinda dumb". I looked back over and said, "OK well what do you think I should call it?" (this was very sarcastically and in my crazy voice) He paused and looked at me (bald as I could be) and said, "THE BALD WOMAN". It was in the strangest low pitched voice and we laughed for 15 minutes straight! Then I knew.....that was it!

The blog then became know as Think Pink: The Diary of the Bald Woman (only because I didn't want to change the URL and have to tell everyone) :) As I finished treatment and typed posts about the Bald Woman (aka ME) I decided that it was time to take it to the next level. I wanted to help people the way everyone did for me so my grand pay it forward plan began. There was no better name than Friends of the Bald Woman. The non profit was born and life as I knew it changed again!

As our non profit began to slowly grow we decided that we needed something that branded us. We needed a logo. My son, who then was 6, had been making me pictures of cancer ribbons and was really into drawing. He came to me around this same time with a picture. It was a simple heart with a cancer ribbon inside. I thanked him for the gift and then looked a little closer realizing that yet again he may have done it. I sent the drawing to a graphic designer and they cleaned it up a bit, fixed the colors, and added our name in  cool font.......BOOM our logo was made.

Some may have wondered if the logo is supposed to look like a child made it....yes. That logo means more to me than any designers perfect straight lined design can be. It is rough around the edges, not perfect, and was made with more love than you'll know. It was the final piece of what my son had started. That logo provides a great story and knowing that my son made it after he inspired the whole non profit makes it amazing to me.

We have come a long way in the last 2 years and I am forever thankful to all of you who have encouraged me to keep going even when it was very difficult. I look at the logo and am reminded of the love, the hope, and the laughter that my family and I shared on this journey. I hope now when you look at this logo you too will feel the love that created it! Have a fantastic day :)

***oh yeah....look very close in the heart and see if you can see what looks like a person with their hands up in the air (look only at the white part). What a cool hidden secret that you only know if you read my blog!!!

Inspired

I am approaching my 2 year "cancerversary" in August and have been looking back to the last few years of my life. There are many times when I go back and read the very posts I wrote and feel like I am watching someone else's lifetime movie. (hmmm I wonder who would play me??)

The last 2 years I feel as if I have accomplished so much but yet have so much more left to do. I have started a non profit organization, started a young women's group (and actually have people in it), handed out a dozen chemo packs to patients, and created a calendar that hopefully has inspired a few people. There have been many times along the way in which I have wondered though...."is this even making a difference, why do I work so hard to this, and should I just stop trying to make this work and go back to 'normal' life?" I pack so much into my days with my kids activities, my paid job (remember my husband was laid off 10 months ago), my house upkeep, and trying to run a non profit in my spare time. There are many who think I am crazy. There are some who think I should delegate more. There are some that say I should just quit. I too have thought each of these things. What keeps me going though is that every once and a while there are moments when I am reassured that I am right where I am supposed to be. I feel purpose and occasionally get to see that I have started a chain of events that can not be taken back and hopefully leads to something wonderful. I trust that I am able to handle this busy life that I have put before me and that I will overcome the obstacles that have been placed in my way. It is hard for some that have not traveled my path to understand this choice. At times, this life is at the expense of my paid job or my kids time with me. At the end of the day I do the best that I can with all the things I have in front of me. I may not dedicate all of my time to one thing and spread myself way too thin at times, but I enjoy my life more than the average person. I have an understanding about my life that many people will not know for a long time if ever.  I know that each day I am blessed to be here I am making an impact (or at least attempting to).  My goal has always been to put smiles on the faces of others...it really is that simple. I know I didn't need a big non profit for that, but.....I had a dream! When my time clock runs out I know that I "LIVED" my life  and I followed my dreams. "Some say that I am a dreamer.....but I am not the only one" (had to throw in a little musical quote LOL...thanks John Lennon)

Yesterday I was re-inspired to keep on my path. I watched 2 people overcome fears/anxieties and it was amazing. I remember having the same fears when I was in treatment myself. It brought me back to a place of vulnerability that I had almost forgotten. To see these amazing ladies beat not only a beast like cancer but a long time anxiety was priceless. I started the young women's group because I felt when I was going through cancer that I was the only 30 year old in world with cancer and kids. These women now have others to lean on that have an understanding that no other person can have. I am so thankful that I was able to push through my own difficulties to help these two ladies meet. I think just when you need to see something amazing...there it is right in front of your face. I am so happy to have these women cross my path and I only hope that there will be more opportunities to inspire, connect, and help others who come across my path. Thank you to those ladies for giving me the inspiration needed to continue this sometimes crazy journey and remind again why i do what I  do.

Inspiration comes in many ways and usually just when we need it most. My path is not always easy but I feel that those difficulties make the journey so much better. I hope you are inspired by these ladies in the upcoming calendar as much as I am. Have a wonderful day!

Motivation

Why do we keep moving when are so tired? What makes you take that final step or continuing to push through the difficult? We have so much more control over our head than we give ourselves credit for. We can push through some difficult obstacles if we believe in ourselves!

I have a bucket list. It is very long packed with  a bazillion places to see and things that I want to to do before my time clock expires. The fun of the bucket list is not really knowing how long that you have to complete it. It kind of motivates you in that way. Its a race against an imaginary clock and for a competition junkie such as myself....LOVES!!!  One of the items on this list is to complete a Triathlon. Now those who know triathlons know that they range from easiest to hardest. I did not specify on my list which I would do. I just wanted to say that I am a triathlete and I wanted to beat some others in a race. I know that I am not the only one to complete one, but the thought of swimming alone freaked me out let alone combining that with 2 other activities in succession....yikes. (or so I thought!!!)

I have been training since Octoberish for this feat. Oh it has not been the easiest of mountains to climb. I started small, and each week some voice in my head told me to push a bit more, and I did. It told me to go a bit harder, and I did. It told me not to quit (and oh boy have I wanted to at times), and I didn't! The motivation was from within (and of course a few fam/friends) to KEEP PUSHING. It has been tough and my plans to complete a triathlon have changed a bit. The race I was going to enter, I am now unable to do (long story) and so I sat thinking....Do I need a race to prove I can do this? Would I still be able to check it off my list if I just did it on my own?  This bucket list item started out to be about the race and along this training adventure I have been on I realized that it had nothing to do with the race. I put this item on my list because I thought it was difficult. I thought there is no way I can do that. It had nothing to do with a race and EVERYTHING to do with the voice within me! I wanted to accomplish something that initially I said I can't do!

After 6 1/2 months of hard work and initially not being able to swim more than 1 lap without stopping I can now say.....I AM A TRIATHLETE!!! CHECK :)
I decided that not being able to compete in the race that I wanted to do was not going to stop me from my check mark. I set up a "mock triathlon" at my gym. I started in the pool, did my 1/2 mile swim, changed quickly, hopped on a bike, did spinning/spinning class for 75 minutes, and then hopped on the treadmill for a 5K run! I know I know I didn't actually complete a "real" triathlon yet (in terms of a race against others) BUT what I figured out is IT WAS NEVER ABOUT THEM....IT WAS ABOUT ME!!! So if I am able to complete a race against others it will just be frosting on a great cake! I am proud of my accomplishment this weekend because I told myself that I would beat this thing....and I totally did it (sound familiar....CANCER???) !!!

I would like to take a brief moment now to thank that ugly beast named cancer for helping me to see that I am capable of really anything as long as I want it bad enough....WATCH OUT WORLD BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS NEXT! :)

So to all of you out there struggling with that voice in your head....tell it to take a day off and go out and do what it is you have been telling yourself that you could never do!!! You will be amazed at where a little hard work and some "ME" MOTIVATION will lead you! YOU CAN DO IT IF YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT!!!! GO GET IT :)



Oh by the way, some may be wondering what is next on my list.....Portland Marathon!!! (yikes I know, but its been on my list since I finished chemo and its time I run a race that will remind me very much of my cancer battle!!!) 
What is on your list???? (you can comment below if you want to share) :)

Apparently I am human....

I am a survivor of a disease that kills people on a daily basis. I have seen it over and over. Lives have been cut short and families turned upside down. I have been very open about my journey and all my thoughts after the journey ended. I will be honest yet again.....I often wonder why I didn't die. Hold on don't freak out I am not saying I wanted to die or anything. I am just still plagued by the question of why am I still here???? There are so many women, men, and children leaving this world before their time and I wonder why am I still here??? I have to believe that I am here for some business that is unfinished, right? well my purpose here is yet to be known??? I am thankful that I am here and I honestly strive to make a difference in this world each day that I am blessed to open my eyes. This really is how I live....most of the time.

Today, however, I lost it. I feel as if I have failed a BIG test. I had the chance to prove that I am thankful yet again in the worst of situations, but I FAILED. As a girl who absolutely is driven by competitions I can't forgive myself for breaking down today. Stress has been building in my head for a long while, with the job loss of my husband over 7 mo ago, work, kids, and general life problems. Today I threw a tantrum of sorts and giant pity party. I lost it.....yelled, cried, and completely forgot about all I have to be thankful for. I have PERFECT HEALTH, 2 absolutely amazing children, a husband that has been next to me in some of the worst situations, and a family that is ALWAYS a phone call away. I am telling you this now that my freak out is over because I know many of you out there believe that I am always soooo positive. The truth is most of the time...I AM LIKE THAT. I really do try to find good in everything (literally everything) and I really do work hard to live a purposeful life. there are times I guess that I too am human and have moments when I too need a cheerleader. Today, lucky for me I had just that, a mom and grandma to put life into perspective. Apparently I am human....don't tell anyone. I kind of like everyone thinking I am some superhuman incapable of feeling negative emotions...lol!

I AM a survivor though and I live like one.... I know I am capable of the most difficult things as long as I BELIEVE in myself first. I am going through hell right now, but tired or not being a survivor of cancer has taught me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will win. I have climbed much greater mountains than this and I still have this life to live so for me to waste it being upset about the things I cannot change! I can do anything and I really should have the "I'm a survivor" song playing as I walk down the streets.....wouldn't it be awesome to have theme music!!!!

Writing is my balancer these days and I have not been doing enough of it lately so hopefully soon I will get back to the weekly posts....no I WILL get back to them! There it is out there now so I am committed!  Gonna see a little change up for the BW (bald woman) diaries....got some big plans to come!


Just on  a side note....3 years ago today the world lost a wonderful man, father, and grandfather and I will forever miss my grandpa. I learned the true spirit of family from him and I will never forget the wonderful memories I have of him. He will live on in our hearts.... until we meet again ;(

Walk a Mile in my Shoes

Walk A Mile in my Shoes

Walk a mile in my shoes and you'll see what I see
The ups, the downs, what is chained, and what is free

Nobody wants to be in these shoes unless all is going great
You can't walk in them long without seeing all my mistakes

Mistakes I made when planning this great journey on my path
That led me winding up mountains, that increased my time by half

Along the road there were storms that tested these old feet
To see if I'd keep walking or go running off the street

With one foot in front of the other, I moved them everyday
Sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but never back the other way

If you walked a mile in these old shoes, you would see they are quite worn out
They are tattered and they are tired from the trials they have run about

Some say there are better shoes out there for the journey that I make
They don't know that my old shoes are perfect for the path I will take

They might not look like much but the walk has made them mine
Every step I take upon them in rain or when shines

They lead me when I am tired and they're molded just for me
They keep me moving forward.... Walk a mile in them and you'll see!

How Holly got her Groove back!

I know I have been in a funk lately and if you have tried to contact me I probably have been very flaky. I am not trying to be but life yet again has thrown some curve balls for me personally, BUT......I finally feel that life is going to pick back up for me and I am getting back into my groove for sure so...I decided today its time for a happy post....the last few have been very somber.

 I have had a very difficult month to say the least. My husband was laid off of his job 6 months ago and despite his thousands of attempts at employment he is still unemployed. Obviously this has been difficult on our family life but then again so was having cancer. I guess i need to give a big THANK YOU to cancer then for putting a little bump like this into perspective. Who would have thought I would be thanking cancer??? But like I always say..."Life has its ups and downs but how we choose to deal with them makes us who we are" and I my friends, know exactly who I am! I am thankful for each and every single day that I am able to be here to make a difference in the lives of my children and anyone else I am blessed to help. Nothing, not cancer, unemployment, or anything else will bring me down again (at least not for long).  

As if unemployment wasn't enough stress to deal with on top of the everyday life stresses, one day I  visit a friend that has cancer who had been battling hard and 4 days later she is gone. The next week was her funeral and just when I think I can't take any more....my grandma takes a decline in health and the next day is gone. It has been difficult around here to say the least. Today though, instead of talking forever about these difficulties that I am facing, I am going to hopefully provide a few laughs to you instead.

When we think of spring break we think of the beach, umbrella drinks, and fun in the sun! Lucky for you I have an alternative if those things don't sound like fun to you......



Top 5 Reasons Why I Love Spring Break:

1. RAIN: It is spring folks....time for rain and growing things and you can't do that without rain. Why can't spring break be in like May???

2. BOREDOM: You know its not a good sign when on Day 1 you hear from your kids, "I'm board can someone come over or something"

3. SLEEPING IN:  Time to sleep in till at least 6:30am! That is my kids NOT me by the way. My day begins at no later than 5:15

4. UMBRELLA DRINKS and VACATION: Yes it is great to watch the facebook posts and pictures of everyone else on their vacations as I sit here with my Bud Light and Hawaiian Radio Station!! Look at all the money I am saving!!

5.  CATCHING UP: Look at all the time I have now for laundry, organizing, and budgeting....oh wait no I don't I have two kids who are board! I think I need a vacation after this "vacation" I am on right now!!


Have a great day everyone and know that we are stronger than we think we are! Time to get my groove back and have a relaxing spring break!!!

Let it Rain

When it rains it pours!  I have to tell you it really has been a tough month for me. Last week I lost a good friend to cancer and today I arrived 1 moment after my wonderful grandma took her last breath. I guess it is appropriate for me today that it is pouring down rain.

My grandma was a kind, gentle, and loving woman. I guess all grandmas are. I think it is in the grandma handbook they give out. I have more memories with her than time to share on this post. For over half of my life she was the only family that lived close to me. We spent every holiday and special occasion with her. My heart hurts so badly with the loss of such a wonderful person here on earth. The only comfort I can seem to get at this point is that now she is at peace and reunited with her loved ones. She went quickly and honestly looked more at peace today after her passing than she did yesterday. I left her home yesterday and knew in my heart somehow that it would be our last time to see each other at least for a while. It hurts badly but I know she is happy and would want us to move through our grief as well.

I sit now and stare at the rain pouring down out my window. I feel as if I have been kicked over and over but I know in my heart that I will keep getting up and keep putting one foot in front of the other. My heart aches for the loss of my grandma, but just as the rain makes things grow..I too will grow. Maybe instead of looking at the rain as something I wish to get rid of today, I should go out and enjoy the wondrous things that we get to see each day that we are blessed to be here! I think it is time for a good run in the rain! I spend too much time worrying about those things I can not change and today I am going to just enjoy what gifts I have been given today!

I hope that today everyone will take one moment out of there days to call someone important to them and share your love. You never know when the last time you talked will really be the "last" time you talk!

Let it rain!!!!

Dear Sharon

Cancer took another life from this world and today I watch a friend be laid to rest. This letter is the one that she would never get to read........

Dear Sharon,

I just want you know that you have made a difference in lives of many including my own. When we met all those years ago I was afraid of you. (I know you are probably laughing hysterically now) I was a rookie supervisor and came into a group of seasoned and very opinionated teachers. :) I remember going home and thinking...."wow, what have I got myself into".  At our first staff meeting things changed. I felt that you understood and agreed with my "laughter is the best bonding medicine". I did silly games and made sure we were all laughing and I felt like you understood. Those times at Head Start will be with me forever. There were many ups and many downs along our journey and I am thankful for all of them and know that I am better for having known you!

When you called me a few months back I was shocked and saddened by your new chapter of life that you would have to endure. After talking with you several times...I wasn't sad anymore because I knew that if anyone understood that "laughter is the best medicine" it was you! You of all people knew that a good attitude would take you further than any medicine. I am sure that every doc and nurse in that place knew your name! :) Each day that I watched you fight I was in awe of your courage and strength. Life doesn't always hand us the easiest of things to deal with but you handled it with a true "Sharon style"!

I am so thankful that I was able to see you the day you came home from the hospital to become under hospice care. I remember only wondering... why???? You told me that the doctors told you that the treatment options were over and there was nothing else to do. I asked you what you do with that kind of information baffled to hear this coming out of your mouth.  Your response though was what I remember the most...you said, "You just keep your spirits as high as you can each day and trust that God has a plan for all of us". I am crying even as I type this because I struggle today thinking about this. I will do my best to live by this and know that you are right.

I heard the Bob Marley song, "Don't Worry about a thing" and I just imagine you up there with my grandpa looking down and telling me not to worry about anything. I am trying to understand the whys of this but I don't honestly think I am meant to....I know that there is a plan out there of each of us and I hope you can put in a good word with the big guy for me! :)

I will miss you greatly and until we meet again my friend................................

Love,
Holly

Every little thing is gonna be allright...right?

"Keep Moving Forward!" -Walt Disney

I realize I have been a bit MIA lately. I have just been feeling a bit like a cheerleader for a losing team. You can go along great for a while (in my case a LONG while) but at some point you need a cheerleader yourself. I guess I have just finally made it to that point. I don't want to feel this way and believe me I am FULLY aware that my negativity is effecting my life right now. I am trying....and that is all I can say.

Just as I did a few years ago, everyday I put one foot in front of the other and just keep going. My head tells me to give up but I just keep going.  We don't always have to like what is happening to us but we do have the choice in how we deal. today....I am not doing that great. I know that, but the beauty of this roller coaster of life is that I get to make another choice tomorrow!

I am training for a Triathlon this summer and train 6 days a week. I have lost weight, inches, and gained a new found confidence. I feel great physically. Mentally, that may be a different story. this whole cancer thing has screwed up my head. I try to turn off these horrible thoughts but sometimes I just can't. I don't want to die but sometimes I convince myself that I am going to. I feel crazy. I don't even have cancer anymore (according to the doctors). Cancer may leave your body, but it lies in your mind forever...just trying to use the best coping strategies I have to deal each day. Here is the thing though when you get cancer, especially at a young age, you have a lot of time on your hands to contemplate your mortality. Truth is if today was my last day I feel 100% at peace with what I have done with the life I have had. The problem is though there is soooo much I want to DO before I go. There is so much beauty in this world that I want to see! When cancer hits many want to go out and live this great bucket list, but at 32 with 2 kids, a husband, and 2 dogs.....not gonna happen. It makes life a bit difficult to travel the world when you have a young family ( and NO MONEY). Guess for now will have to hope that I get to live long enough to make that stuff happen later.

Well now that all that negativity crap is out of my brain I have to admit I do feel a bit better. Maybe writing, my new love, is the thing keeping me from living happy again. I should make more of an effort to keep with it. It really is cheap therapy and for know it is the only therapy I can afford LOL!

Today on FBW I asked "What songs to pull you out of a funk?"  Yes, I realize it was a bit selfish to ask for total strangers to post uplifting music to inspire me, but I gotta say it kinda worked! Maybe just maybe someone else is having a bad day and will too be inspired by these wonderful lyrics! Thank you to all the facebook fans for being wonderful. I will leave with one positive note since the majority of this post is a bit whiny.... Bob Marley says, "Don't worry....about a thing....because every little thing is gonna be alright!"
I too know that everything will be alright...maybe not today....but it WILL SOON!!!

Have a great day and enjoy the little things that make life so wonderful! That is what I will be doing today! :)