Giving thanks to cancer

Here is the window to my heart today....

We have been talking alot this month about what we are thankful for. Family, friends, and gifts. I am sharing today what I am thankful for....CANCER! Yep, I said it. THANK YOU CANCER! No, I have not gone crazy but I see something else that you may not see when this word comes up.

Cancer....what comes to mind when you hear this word?
Disbelief, confusion, anger, rage, sadness, helplessness, tears, or death? Try hearing these words....it is exactly what I thought too. I worried about my kids (who were 2 and 5 years old). Can you imagine....don't even try its pretty crappy! Looking back on this journey and even as I read my old posts I feel as if I am reading someone else's life story not mine. It was one of the toughest things I have ever done, BUT I gained way more from cancer than I lost. If that is true then how do I ever look back and wish it never happened? I don't wish that and I never have. I got confidence, I got stronger, and I got this drive that pushes me everyday through life's ups and downs.

I have lost several friends this year and both of my grandmas. It has been the worst year of my life and I often wonder what is the point. Watching these people that were so important in my life be here one day and not the next has been the most difficult thing I have ever gone through (Yes even over CANCER). It makes me think about MY life a lot more. Sometimes I think what is the point?  I am broken. I have very little hope. I have been knocked down and continuously beaten as I try to get up. And just as I get to the point where I think I can't take even another day or another step.....there they are. People. People on this earth never cease to amaze me. They come in your life just when you need it the most as if perfectly placed to come in at that precise moment. I am surrounded by those people and they know who they are. Thank you to those who comment on the facebook page or on here (it lets me know that someone out there has read this). Thank you to those who have brought me surprises in my times of greatest need. Thank you to my family for always being there to lend an ear or a hand. Thank you to the most amazing group of survivors that I have ever known (you motivate me to continue this crazy journey each day). I have more to thank cancer for than to be upset about.

Today as I write this I am thankful for these things (I really am),  but also in a strange place of seeking purpose in this life I have been spared. I am alive. I have been left here on this earth for something. It was not my "time" to go, so now what? At 33 years old how do you live all these years now with fear that this can return or watching my friends pass away of the same thing that you have just been spared of. All I can come up with is this....I am here. It doesn't matter why. what does matter is that if I am here, I need to LIVE. Living is being happy, sad, mad, crazy, wonderful, and enjoying every second of it. I will LIVE my life as full as I am allowed to and will keep telling others these crazy thoughts I have. I will do this because I feel that we all need to appreciate this amazing gift we are given each day and hopefully these posts can do that for someone.

Ahhh life, what a ride it is....I feel as if I am watching my life speed by sometimes and can't seem to catch up. Its funny really how many times you want it to just "slow down for a minute" so you can do something only to be wishing for it to "just hurry up" in the next breath. I don't think for a moment we will ever be content with the speed in which it is going. I am just thankful today that I am here to enjoy it. I hope you appreciate this gift you have been given today. :)


***Oh yeah I can't forget the highlight of my day today....

Today I got to witness the most amazing thing with my daughter. She tried out at 5 years old for a competitive gymnastics team with kids 5-8 years old. She was the only 5 year old there. Anyone that knows this little sparkly sassy diva knows that listening is not her strongest suit. She has a mind of her own and likes to use it! (and she is 5) I saw her for 2 hours focused on this tryout. Amazing , right. Well it gets better. She was attempting one of the skills with kids several years older than her by her side. She attempted one of the skills and did 2 of the 5 that she was supposed to do. I watched her tear up as she struggled with the 3rd one. She paused and cried (not loudly but tears were flowing) and then with the tears flowing she pushed her way through the last 2 that she had to do. She finished to cheers and high fives and calmed down to finish the last hour of the tryout. I sat on the edge of my seat watching this happen. I wanted to run over hug her and cry with her. The determination and drive that she showed today at only 5 years old in her time challenge was inspiring. I am forever changed by seeing this moment with her today. I beamed with pride and still am!! I want to push harder through my difficulties of life because of her and what she showed today! AMAZING.......  :) YES IT WAS!!

These right here are them moments that will be with me for the rest of my life!