The Walker

I feel that angels walk the earth everyday. People change our lives every day without realizing they have even done anything. It could be a smile, a wave, a random act of kindness, or holding a door open for someone. We are more interconnected that I have realized. People come in and out of my life daily that impact me in such a way that it changes my mood, or my day, my entire year, and even my life. All of you I am certain by now know that I am a bit of an analyzer. I am always looking for connections, always looking for reason, and attempting to make sense of what has happened to me in order to not continue to make the same mistakes. I love my mistakes and I make a lot. They all teach me something about myself that becomes helpful in another time.

We as people hardly ever tell people when they change us (unless it something big). A few weeks ago I realized that the smallest thing that someone was doing had become something so big to me. Many know that my life this last year has been a challenge. I am running a race and unfortunately am not allowed to know how far or when I can stop. As you can only imagine it is a trial. I am tested daily on my resolve to be patient, kind, positive, and grateful. I have not successfully done this the entire time but each time I have been knocked down I have slowly but surely go back up. this last knock down however, I decided I didn't want to get up. I was done and I was going to quit this race and just lay here....that didn't last long though. The wonderful thing about my life is that I have the most wonderful friends and family around me that hold their hands out and pull me back up. They can't run the race for me but they are there the whole time to cheer me on and make sure I finish. I know they all know how thankful I am for each of them being in my life. I also know that when the timing is right that I will be right there to pull them up when they need a hand. We are interconnected, but its not just those we know......

The walker walks past my house almost everyday of the week. He has a cane some days, he wears the same straw hat (unless its snowing), and he walks the same direction past my house daily. Almost a year ago I started waving as he walked past my house. He did too with a big friendly smile on his face. At some point as I drove down the street at the same time each day I began to look for him. His smile and wave made me feel at peace and happy. On many days I swear it was the only happy I had. When my grandmothers passed I began to beg for a sign that I would be OK and almost as soon as i thought it, there he was walking, smiling, waving, and giving me a strange sense of peace. My 5 year old daughter at some point this last year told me that he was an angel. "No, a real one mom", she said smiling. She said his wings were tucked in his jacket. I smiled wishing she was right. I didn't see him regularly necessarily, but each day i saw him it was on a day that I really needed to be reminded that everything was going to be OK. I saw him alot in September when I lost my nan, almost everyday! I smiled and waved in more pain than anyone around me even knew, but temporarily lifted of this burden by this "walker" (a complete stranger who I had never even said more than hello to). I too began to feel he was my families angel. A few weeks back I was sitting there listening to Robbie Williams, Nan's Song (which we played at her funeral and I have listened to everyday since she died) I usually am singing the song but this day was just quiet listening to the words..."You said when you die you'd walk with me everyday......" I started crying and realized maybe she had been walking with me over the last few months. "The walker" walking by giving me a sense that my life would be OK was her! I cried more upon realizing this. Then, I could not get it out of my head that I needed this man to know that he had changed my life. Now, how do I do this without looking like a crazy stalker??? I didn't even know this guys name and what kind of crazy just runs out to the road and hands some walker guy a letter....well ME that's who!! I wrote him a letter and told him the "brief" (well... Holly brief) version of my life this last year and that when I prayed  to know that everything would be OK again there he was. I told him that my child thought he was an angel and that his smiles, waves, and walking had brought me peace after such a horrible time. I told him that I just felt like he needed to know that he really was an angel to my family and a thank you. Now, when you give a random stranger a letter like this with angel talk, prayers and God, your life story, and thanks for something so simple as a smile you have no idea how you will be received by them. I held the letter for 2 weeks and didn't give it to him. I was not sure how, and honestly I was feeling a bit crazy at this point. V-day 2013 was supposed to be the day that our life changed....but it didn't and I was knocked down again for the last (and in my mind) final time. I didn't want to get up again. I was done. I felt that a person could only take soooo much and I didn't have any more hope and no more desire to even try and find it. I think that is what hopelessness is! I was done. The next day I was headed out and I saw the "walker". I had allready told my kids about the letter and as soon as they saw him they insisted I give him the letter. VERY hesitantly,  I grabbed it along with some rice crispy treats I had just made. We drove down the street (in the opposite direction we needed to go) to catch him. I gave him the letter and treats and he said thank you several times smiled and went on his way. Then we waited......I didn't see him for a good week. I was really nervous that he may have felt I was a bit nuts and a stalker LOL.
Today....my doorbell rings and he is standing there with a letter for me. He thanked me again as he told me my letter made him tear up. I cried a bit, said thank you, and hugged him. He then went off down the road walking. I went inside and read the letter. It thanked me for my letter and said our family was added to his daily prayers. He also said that due to some health issues he walks for 3 hours each day and many of those days that he walked by and smiled and waved it gave him a lift to keep going. With tears flowing I read this to my kids and husband. Inside the envelope was a gift (for toys r us) signed "the walker" for the little girl that lifted his spirit, my daughter.  The "walker" changed many of my moods, days, months, year, and now has really impacted my life. It feels amazing to know that each time my prayer was answered..... so was his.

We are interconnected whether we believe it or not. Your actions ARE effecting someone else. Think about that next time you drive down the street, go to the store, go to work, or do whatever you do. Someone once told me that 1 person can NOT change the world but  I BELIEVE IT ONLY TAKES 1 PERSON TO CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!!  Will it be you???

Roll in the New Year

Many of you know that this year so far in my 33 years has been the worst year of my life. I have attended about 5 funerals, been one of the millions of people effected by the unemployment and layoffs the whole year, and seen things with these eyes that nobody should ever see. I have not been the same this year and I am sorry for the lack of pep in my step. I have said many times a cheerleader occasionally needs a cheerleader....and I had them! As I wrap my head around how to sum up this year of my life I would like to say it was all horrible and worst year ever, BUT I really can't. This year I made new friends, achieved goals once thought impossible, my kids achieved their goals, my husband gained appreciations he never thought possible, and was given numerous signs from those lost that they were still right here with me smiling. I could never call that a bad year.

If anyone has read the post My Big Race (http://thinkpink-holly.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-big-race.html) it really mirrored my life this year. I decided at the end of last year to do a triathlon this summer and at some point after this goal was achieved I thought, "hey why not check off marathon off that bucket list too". So I did that too. After reading my recap of this race I really feel it mirrored my life this year. Literally so check it out if you want. Who would have thought running, my only sanity, would have become so important in my life. Its hard, I have wanted to quit a billion times and then I think about me a year ago.... You can only gain your strength from struggles! This my friends is 100% me! Everything I have had happen to me up to this moment has strengthened me for this most recent challenging year. If I had not gone through the other trials of my life I may not have been able to take this year. You cannot go out and just run a marathon one day with never having run a day in your life....this year was hard just as my marathon was hard. It was filled with challenges and chances to quit. I didn't then and I won't now. Checking that marathon off the bucket list was great but it really prepared me for my biggest race...LIFE 2012!

This year I received 2 random acts of kindness (google the Christmas jar to read about one of them). I have been in dark days since the latest loss of my grandma, but these random acts reminded me that I was loved. It felt like my loved ones were reminding me of their love for me and those people that did those things for my family really truly gave me the greatest gift..my spirit restored. I had a wonderful few days of happiness and all my cares literally went away for a few days. Those people will never truly know how they changed my life, my year even! thank you just doesn't seem to cut it, but thanks are very much in order.  I struggled this year, yes, but I really had a better time than I thought . I looked back last week at over 1000 pictures on my phone of this year and could not believe how many wonderful memories I created and forgot about. We often only focus on our struggle but fail to see the strength we gained and the beauty that comes out only after something difficult! What a year!!!

  I have seen angels walk this earth everyday reminding us that it is going to be OK! You could be one for someone and not even know it so treat people everyday like you can change their lives! :)

Gotta do a traditional HOLLY top 10 list.....

Top Ten Most Inspirational Song Lyrics for me this year:

1. "I will stand back up, you'll know just the moment when I've had enough" -best Sugarland song to show you to never give up no matter how bad life knocks you down  :)

2. "You're gonna miss this" -Trace Adkins (best song for remembering how fast life really goes)

3. "I've got my toes in the water, *** in the sand" -Zac Brown Band (love this for remembering you can be happy no matter where you are!!)

4. "It's a great day to be alive" - Travis Tritt ( need i say more....we all need a little reminder to appreciate things some days!)

5. "Livc like you were dying"- Tim McGraw ( absolute favorite Timmy song to keep me focused on what is important in life)

6. "She was something, but....This ain't nothing" Craig Morgan (love this song when I want to remember that this mess will pass)

7. "If you ain't got nothing you got nothing to hold you back"- Tim McGraw (song is called down to my last dollar and I love it I smile every time I hear it)

8. "Dedicate yourself and you'll find yourself standing in the hall of fame" -The Script/Will I.A.M (wow powerful song to inspire you to do anything you put your mind to- work hard and you will win)

9. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"-Kelly Clarkson (love this for some serious butt kicking motivation!!)

10. "If your going through hell keep on moving, don't slow down if your scared don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows your there!" - Rodney Atkins (freaking best song to listen to when you are down!)

Happy New Year everyone and make 2013 the best year yet! I sure will :)

Oh yes my new years resolutions just to put them out there for all to keep me accountable to.....

1. Compete in an Olympic Triathlon
2. Qualify for the Boston Marathon
3. Start a jar that each time something good happens in life write it on a note and put in the jar. on new years eve we will read how great our 2013 really was!!!

The monkey

I heard another monkey story the other day that I found fitting. It involved a study done with a monkey and cage. There were two cages and they would shock the monkey on one side of the cage and naturally it would jump to the other side of the cage. (I realize this story is not the nicest for animal rights but I am only retelling it for a purpose not condoning the study) They would shock, it would switch sides, and it continued to do this behavior when in pain/danger. Then they decided to shock both sides of the cage. They did this and the monkey tried to go to the "safe" side but it was getting shocked there too so it would hop back to the other. What they found out was the monkey then went into a state of rage and anger for a bit and then laid down and simply gave up. There was no safe side anymore so it just laid there with no effort to move anymore.

The reason for this not so nice story is this...In life we all kind of lose our "safe" side. We get mad and we all too often just lay down and give up. There are few though that no matter how many times they have been shocked, kicked, or beaten up they will continue to get up and try again. What makes those people different? What is the breaking point of fighting and finally deciding that enough is enough and just laying down? I struggle with this constantly. Life this last year has not been kind, not been easy, and certainly not been any fun. It has been hard, sad, and the most challenging year yet. What I have learned however in this mess is this...I will not lay down! I will jump from side to side, get shocked until I am no longer breathing and unable to move. I get mad and then I get stronger each time I am pushed down. No mountain climber will tell you that it is an easy journey and life too will never always be easy but we really need to be reminded in these dark times that the journey up is what matters. What you learn about yourself and your limits right away is just as magnificent as the view. Maybe that is why the view is so amazing because its the end of that difficult journey.

Cancer taught me this lesson. This awful year has taught me this lesson. My journey is not over so I will get strong, I will get tougher, and I will see what really is important in life.  We will all be given the opportuntiy to learn this lesson.....will you lay down and quit or will you never give up and just keep jumping?

Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it.
Irving Berlin

This is not my first time posting this quote but each time I have seen it come through it has been at a moment when it was needed. Today I needed to see this advice and as if by another random accident I have a picture that fits perfectly to go with it. Really thinking there are no "accidents" in life.  Here is the pic.....

This pic today reminded me that even in our darkest days of life there is ALWAYS beauty around us!! Our reactions to things really are 90% of life. I am in dark days right now from my life's twists and turns and seeing this pic today helped me to realize that there really can be beauty NO MATTER WHAT LIFE BRINGS YOUR WAY!
As we approach Christmas this year we always think of ways to help others. Many  adopt families, participate in toy drives, and help those in need. This is wonderful but today think about doing something no matter how small for someone in one of those "thankless" type jobs. Make a sign and treat and attach it to your trash can for the trash guys to have. Give your bus driver a Starbucks card. Dump the trash for your janitor today and leave a little treat saying thank you.  Just think about those who work hard each day to get through life and give them a chance to see their rainbow! Just a thought on my next project....documenting these random acts. If you do something nice for someone else send me an email (hollyb@friendsofthebaldwoman.com) or post under here. I would like to feature them on the fb page or even create a book with all ideas to share and inspire those around us to think of others and bring smiles to each person we meet! Have a wonderful day and don't forget to share those moments with us here :)

Giving thanks to cancer

Here is the window to my heart today....

We have been talking alot this month about what we are thankful for. Family, friends, and gifts. I am sharing today what I am thankful for....CANCER! Yep, I said it. THANK YOU CANCER! No, I have not gone crazy but I see something else that you may not see when this word comes up.

Cancer....what comes to mind when you hear this word?
Disbelief, confusion, anger, rage, sadness, helplessness, tears, or death? Try hearing these words....it is exactly what I thought too. I worried about my kids (who were 2 and 5 years old). Can you imagine....don't even try its pretty crappy! Looking back on this journey and even as I read my old posts I feel as if I am reading someone else's life story not mine. It was one of the toughest things I have ever done, BUT I gained way more from cancer than I lost. If that is true then how do I ever look back and wish it never happened? I don't wish that and I never have. I got confidence, I got stronger, and I got this drive that pushes me everyday through life's ups and downs.

I have lost several friends this year and both of my grandmas. It has been the worst year of my life and I often wonder what is the point. Watching these people that were so important in my life be here one day and not the next has been the most difficult thing I have ever gone through (Yes even over CANCER). It makes me think about MY life a lot more. Sometimes I think what is the point?  I am broken. I have very little hope. I have been knocked down and continuously beaten as I try to get up. And just as I get to the point where I think I can't take even another day or another step.....there they are. People. People on this earth never cease to amaze me. They come in your life just when you need it the most as if perfectly placed to come in at that precise moment. I am surrounded by those people and they know who they are. Thank you to those who comment on the facebook page or on here (it lets me know that someone out there has read this). Thank you to those who have brought me surprises in my times of greatest need. Thank you to my family for always being there to lend an ear or a hand. Thank you to the most amazing group of survivors that I have ever known (you motivate me to continue this crazy journey each day). I have more to thank cancer for than to be upset about.

Today as I write this I am thankful for these things (I really am),  but also in a strange place of seeking purpose in this life I have been spared. I am alive. I have been left here on this earth for something. It was not my "time" to go, so now what? At 33 years old how do you live all these years now with fear that this can return or watching my friends pass away of the same thing that you have just been spared of. All I can come up with is this....I am here. It doesn't matter why. what does matter is that if I am here, I need to LIVE. Living is being happy, sad, mad, crazy, wonderful, and enjoying every second of it. I will LIVE my life as full as I am allowed to and will keep telling others these crazy thoughts I have. I will do this because I feel that we all need to appreciate this amazing gift we are given each day and hopefully these posts can do that for someone.

Ahhh life, what a ride it is....I feel as if I am watching my life speed by sometimes and can't seem to catch up. Its funny really how many times you want it to just "slow down for a minute" so you can do something only to be wishing for it to "just hurry up" in the next breath. I don't think for a moment we will ever be content with the speed in which it is going. I am just thankful today that I am here to enjoy it. I hope you appreciate this gift you have been given today. :)


***Oh yeah I can't forget the highlight of my day today....

Today I got to witness the most amazing thing with my daughter. She tried out at 5 years old for a competitive gymnastics team with kids 5-8 years old. She was the only 5 year old there. Anyone that knows this little sparkly sassy diva knows that listening is not her strongest suit. She has a mind of her own and likes to use it! (and she is 5) I saw her for 2 hours focused on this tryout. Amazing , right. Well it gets better. She was attempting one of the skills with kids several years older than her by her side. She attempted one of the skills and did 2 of the 5 that she was supposed to do. I watched her tear up as she struggled with the 3rd one. She paused and cried (not loudly but tears were flowing) and then with the tears flowing she pushed her way through the last 2 that she had to do. She finished to cheers and high fives and calmed down to finish the last hour of the tryout. I sat on the edge of my seat watching this happen. I wanted to run over hug her and cry with her. The determination and drive that she showed today at only 5 years old in her time challenge was inspiring. I am forever changed by seeing this moment with her today. I beamed with pride and still am!! I want to push harder through my difficulties of life because of her and what she showed today! AMAZING.......  :) YES IT WAS!!

These right here are them moments that will be with me for the rest of my life!

THE BIG RACE

Well I did it. I am finally a marathoner! I have been working on the Triathlon and Marathon training for such a long time that to finally have completed them both is really quite surreal. I figured it would be fitting to give you a recap of the race.....


Pre Race- 6AM
Whooohoo! So excited, nervous, feeling like I was going to vomit....It was so great to hop on the train to join the other 10,000 people that ran the marathon and half marathon. There were people everywhere, music playing, people stretching, lines half mile long to use one of the 500 porta potties. I was a nervous ball of energy. You could not help but smile with the thousands of people awaiting their start.

Race time- 7AM
Oh yeah here we go....waited about 15 minutes to get our corral of people over to the start line to ultimately run for the next 4 1/2 hours or more. I was a bit freaked out I have to admit because I don't really like doing ANYTHING FOR OVER 4 HOURS!!!! Yikes but here goes nothing and was off with the gun!

Miles 0-4
Wow...bands on every corner with loud fun music playing everywhere. The streets were filled with people cheering and holding up signs for their loved ones. We were flying through the crowd of people passing and weaving our way through the crowd. Looking for the pace setter for 4:25 time....where are they??? I am smiling and cheering for every band as we run by.

Miles 5-10
Still flying through the crowd and enjoying the scenery of Portland. Found the pace setter and PASSED HER! Oh yeah this is going great!!! Smile is so big right now!

Miles 11-13
Ok I am honestly feeling a bit fatigued now at this point. I chalk it up to nerves and my brain trying to tell me to stop. I decide to cut pace just a bit. My friends are still within sight but I am gonna slow down to save a bit of energy. I watched the half marathoners split off and remember the girl at the train stop telling me about her first race and how jealous she was of them being finished when she still had half a race to go. Damn that smart girl....I too think the same exact thing as they break off from us. I laugh and keep moving...

Miles 14-16.5
OK feeling a bit tired but stopping a water stations. The crowd dies down a bit here but band plays somewhere in there. Smiling a little less right now but keep going.

Miles 16.5-18
HOLY HELL....OK so this is the kicker where we had to run up some ridiculous incline to get to the St. Johns bridge. Yikes...this my friends is where I begin my self doubting...oh no I can't do this, I don't want to do this, I hate my friends, and many more things are running through my mind. I miraculously make it up this hill to cross the longest bridge on the planet (well it sure felt like it). as I get about halfway I see a photographer I make sure to put my happy smile on and give him a thumbs up (don't want people to think this is hard or anything).

Miles 18-23
WORST TIME of my life! This is the most difficult time of the race. I decide during this time that I need to stop and walk for no more than 30 seconds and then not again for at least a mile (which all but 2 times coordinated with a water station). So that my friends is how I made it through those miles. At one point somewhere around 21 miles I thought about quitting....I actually thought in my head that I can not take another step and I will just quit right now. I then think and glance back at the bridge behind me and think of the 21 miles I have already done and how stupid it would be if I quit so close to the finish line (I mean what would my facebook friends think???). My knees are shaking with every step, my calves are cramping, and my head is completely done. I think of my kids, husband, and family at home that was texting me along my whole race. I think of my lost loved ones. I think of my tattoo conveniently located on my foot saying "keep moving forward". To my huge surprise my feet kept taking one step in front of the other. My brain tried so hard to fight me and make me quit. I kept focusing on one step at a time and sure enough finally made it to mile 24 sign. NO smiles at this section!!

Miles 24-26
At this point I was given some kind of weird burst of energy...I realized that I was 2 miles from my medal, bragging rights, and free t shirt to wear everywhere! I did not stop again after the water station until I crossed the finish line. The crowds got bigger, bands got louder, and I look at the ground and saw a chalk sign in front of me that said FREE BEER AHEAD....I ran faster! At mile 24.5 I sipped my free beer at the "beer station". It was the best tasting thing I have ever had! I pushed as hard as could through the last 2 miles to finally see what I have been dreaming of for 6 months...MILE 26!

Mile 26
After seeing this sign I get the most amazing feeling coming over me. I am proud, exhausted, and so happy. Then I realize a marathon is actually 26.2 miles...OK great .2 wont be that bad right??? .2 was crazy....I knew through every corner and twist and turn through the city that I would see the finish line somewhere.... maybe??? I pushed harder and finally I rounded a corner and there it was....the finish line!!

The finish line
BEST PLACE ON EARTH!!! Food, pictures, and excitement fill the finishers area. I am feeling a bit like I am drunk and stumbling through people handing me gifts and telling me great job. It was pretty FREAKING AWESOME! I collect my things, eat some food, and find my friends. I can barely walk but make it to the train to shower and drive home! BEST TIME of my LIFE!

Lessons:

1. Quitting is something your head will always tell you to do when things get hard...even if you barely move...KEEP MOVING FORWARD and NEVER STOP!

2. We are capable of way more than we think we are. If you think you can do it....GO FOR IT!!

3. Marathons are awful, wonderful, difficult, and TOTALLY worth it....just like life is!

4. It was truly the most difficult physical thing I have done so far but I CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN!!!

5. Having your family in your heart will take you further than anything else so make sure to appreciate how wonderful they are!!!

Here we are at the end!!!! ( I am the one in the middle kinda looking like I may vomit on someone!!!)

Missing You

I am missing you today .......for my nanny :(





They ask me how I am doing and I smile and just say fine
I don't have the words to say whats really on my mind

My heart just feels so broken and shattered there on the floor
I can't see how it will be the same it's so different than before

Flashbacks of the good times are haunting me day and night
I wish to God I could turn back time and make this all alright

I hide my pain behind a smile and pretend so they can't see
they all think I am a rock but I am just as weak as weak can be

My days consist of sadness and pain beyond compare
I go to the phone to call you and forget that your not there

I begged and pleaded and prayed today that it was only just a dream
but woke up today without you here and I can't help feel its just so mean

I am alone in a room but surrounded by all those who care
but their words just don't change the way I feel so I just sit and stare

They say that time will heal all wounds and this pain will soon subside
but they don't know what I see, each time I close my eyes

I know your up there dancing and happy with your love
but please look down from time to time with love from up above

I will keep moving forward but today its just too hard to do
so I will stop and sit awhile and think of the good times I had with you