Motivation

Why do we keep moving when are so tired? What makes you take that final step or continuing to push through the difficult? We have so much more control over our head than we give ourselves credit for. We can push through some difficult obstacles if we believe in ourselves!

I have a bucket list. It is very long packed with  a bazillion places to see and things that I want to to do before my time clock expires. The fun of the bucket list is not really knowing how long that you have to complete it. It kind of motivates you in that way. Its a race against an imaginary clock and for a competition junkie such as myself....LOVES!!!  One of the items on this list is to complete a Triathlon. Now those who know triathlons know that they range from easiest to hardest. I did not specify on my list which I would do. I just wanted to say that I am a triathlete and I wanted to beat some others in a race. I know that I am not the only one to complete one, but the thought of swimming alone freaked me out let alone combining that with 2 other activities in succession....yikes. (or so I thought!!!)

I have been training since Octoberish for this feat. Oh it has not been the easiest of mountains to climb. I started small, and each week some voice in my head told me to push a bit more, and I did. It told me to go a bit harder, and I did. It told me not to quit (and oh boy have I wanted to at times), and I didn't! The motivation was from within (and of course a few fam/friends) to KEEP PUSHING. It has been tough and my plans to complete a triathlon have changed a bit. The race I was going to enter, I am now unable to do (long story) and so I sat thinking....Do I need a race to prove I can do this? Would I still be able to check it off my list if I just did it on my own?  This bucket list item started out to be about the race and along this training adventure I have been on I realized that it had nothing to do with the race. I put this item on my list because I thought it was difficult. I thought there is no way I can do that. It had nothing to do with a race and EVERYTHING to do with the voice within me! I wanted to accomplish something that initially I said I can't do!

After 6 1/2 months of hard work and initially not being able to swim more than 1 lap without stopping I can now say.....I AM A TRIATHLETE!!! CHECK :)
I decided that not being able to compete in the race that I wanted to do was not going to stop me from my check mark. I set up a "mock triathlon" at my gym. I started in the pool, did my 1/2 mile swim, changed quickly, hopped on a bike, did spinning/spinning class for 75 minutes, and then hopped on the treadmill for a 5K run! I know I know I didn't actually complete a "real" triathlon yet (in terms of a race against others) BUT what I figured out is IT WAS NEVER ABOUT THEM....IT WAS ABOUT ME!!! So if I am able to complete a race against others it will just be frosting on a great cake! I am proud of my accomplishment this weekend because I told myself that I would beat this thing....and I totally did it (sound familiar....CANCER???) !!!

I would like to take a brief moment now to thank that ugly beast named cancer for helping me to see that I am capable of really anything as long as I want it bad enough....WATCH OUT WORLD BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS NEXT! :)

So to all of you out there struggling with that voice in your head....tell it to take a day off and go out and do what it is you have been telling yourself that you could never do!!! You will be amazed at where a little hard work and some "ME" MOTIVATION will lead you! YOU CAN DO IT IF YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT!!!! GO GET IT :)



Oh by the way, some may be wondering what is next on my list.....Portland Marathon!!! (yikes I know, but its been on my list since I finished chemo and its time I run a race that will remind me very much of my cancer battle!!!) 
What is on your list???? (you can comment below if you want to share) :)

Apparently I am human....

I am a survivor of a disease that kills people on a daily basis. I have seen it over and over. Lives have been cut short and families turned upside down. I have been very open about my journey and all my thoughts after the journey ended. I will be honest yet again.....I often wonder why I didn't die. Hold on don't freak out I am not saying I wanted to die or anything. I am just still plagued by the question of why am I still here???? There are so many women, men, and children leaving this world before their time and I wonder why am I still here??? I have to believe that I am here for some business that is unfinished, right? well my purpose here is yet to be known??? I am thankful that I am here and I honestly strive to make a difference in this world each day that I am blessed to open my eyes. This really is how I live....most of the time.

Today, however, I lost it. I feel as if I have failed a BIG test. I had the chance to prove that I am thankful yet again in the worst of situations, but I FAILED. As a girl who absolutely is driven by competitions I can't forgive myself for breaking down today. Stress has been building in my head for a long while, with the job loss of my husband over 7 mo ago, work, kids, and general life problems. Today I threw a tantrum of sorts and giant pity party. I lost it.....yelled, cried, and completely forgot about all I have to be thankful for. I have PERFECT HEALTH, 2 absolutely amazing children, a husband that has been next to me in some of the worst situations, and a family that is ALWAYS a phone call away. I am telling you this now that my freak out is over because I know many of you out there believe that I am always soooo positive. The truth is most of the time...I AM LIKE THAT. I really do try to find good in everything (literally everything) and I really do work hard to live a purposeful life. there are times I guess that I too am human and have moments when I too need a cheerleader. Today, lucky for me I had just that, a mom and grandma to put life into perspective. Apparently I am human....don't tell anyone. I kind of like everyone thinking I am some superhuman incapable of feeling negative emotions...lol!

I AM a survivor though and I live like one.... I know I am capable of the most difficult things as long as I BELIEVE in myself first. I am going through hell right now, but tired or not being a survivor of cancer has taught me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will win. I have climbed much greater mountains than this and I still have this life to live so for me to waste it being upset about the things I cannot change! I can do anything and I really should have the "I'm a survivor" song playing as I walk down the streets.....wouldn't it be awesome to have theme music!!!!

Writing is my balancer these days and I have not been doing enough of it lately so hopefully soon I will get back to the weekly posts....no I WILL get back to them! There it is out there now so I am committed!  Gonna see a little change up for the BW (bald woman) diaries....got some big plans to come!


Just on  a side note....3 years ago today the world lost a wonderful man, father, and grandfather and I will forever miss my grandpa. I learned the true spirit of family from him and I will never forget the wonderful memories I have of him. He will live on in our hearts.... until we meet again ;(

Walk a Mile in my Shoes

Walk A Mile in my Shoes

Walk a mile in my shoes and you'll see what I see
The ups, the downs, what is chained, and what is free

Nobody wants to be in these shoes unless all is going great
You can't walk in them long without seeing all my mistakes

Mistakes I made when planning this great journey on my path
That led me winding up mountains, that increased my time by half

Along the road there were storms that tested these old feet
To see if I'd keep walking or go running off the street

With one foot in front of the other, I moved them everyday
Sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but never back the other way

If you walked a mile in these old shoes, you would see they are quite worn out
They are tattered and they are tired from the trials they have run about

Some say there are better shoes out there for the journey that I make
They don't know that my old shoes are perfect for the path I will take

They might not look like much but the walk has made them mine
Every step I take upon them in rain or when shines

They lead me when I am tired and they're molded just for me
They keep me moving forward.... Walk a mile in them and you'll see!

How Holly got her Groove back!

I know I have been in a funk lately and if you have tried to contact me I probably have been very flaky. I am not trying to be but life yet again has thrown some curve balls for me personally, BUT......I finally feel that life is going to pick back up for me and I am getting back into my groove for sure so...I decided today its time for a happy post....the last few have been very somber.

 I have had a very difficult month to say the least. My husband was laid off of his job 6 months ago and despite his thousands of attempts at employment he is still unemployed. Obviously this has been difficult on our family life but then again so was having cancer. I guess i need to give a big THANK YOU to cancer then for putting a little bump like this into perspective. Who would have thought I would be thanking cancer??? But like I always say..."Life has its ups and downs but how we choose to deal with them makes us who we are" and I my friends, know exactly who I am! I am thankful for each and every single day that I am able to be here to make a difference in the lives of my children and anyone else I am blessed to help. Nothing, not cancer, unemployment, or anything else will bring me down again (at least not for long).  

As if unemployment wasn't enough stress to deal with on top of the everyday life stresses, one day I  visit a friend that has cancer who had been battling hard and 4 days later she is gone. The next week was her funeral and just when I think I can't take any more....my grandma takes a decline in health and the next day is gone. It has been difficult around here to say the least. Today though, instead of talking forever about these difficulties that I am facing, I am going to hopefully provide a few laughs to you instead.

When we think of spring break we think of the beach, umbrella drinks, and fun in the sun! Lucky for you I have an alternative if those things don't sound like fun to you......



Top 5 Reasons Why I Love Spring Break:

1. RAIN: It is spring folks....time for rain and growing things and you can't do that without rain. Why can't spring break be in like May???

2. BOREDOM: You know its not a good sign when on Day 1 you hear from your kids, "I'm board can someone come over or something"

3. SLEEPING IN:  Time to sleep in till at least 6:30am! That is my kids NOT me by the way. My day begins at no later than 5:15

4. UMBRELLA DRINKS and VACATION: Yes it is great to watch the facebook posts and pictures of everyone else on their vacations as I sit here with my Bud Light and Hawaiian Radio Station!! Look at all the money I am saving!!

5.  CATCHING UP: Look at all the time I have now for laundry, organizing, and budgeting....oh wait no I don't I have two kids who are board! I think I need a vacation after this "vacation" I am on right now!!


Have a great day everyone and know that we are stronger than we think we are! Time to get my groove back and have a relaxing spring break!!!

Let it Rain

When it rains it pours!  I have to tell you it really has been a tough month for me. Last week I lost a good friend to cancer and today I arrived 1 moment after my wonderful grandma took her last breath. I guess it is appropriate for me today that it is pouring down rain.

My grandma was a kind, gentle, and loving woman. I guess all grandmas are. I think it is in the grandma handbook they give out. I have more memories with her than time to share on this post. For over half of my life she was the only family that lived close to me. We spent every holiday and special occasion with her. My heart hurts so badly with the loss of such a wonderful person here on earth. The only comfort I can seem to get at this point is that now she is at peace and reunited with her loved ones. She went quickly and honestly looked more at peace today after her passing than she did yesterday. I left her home yesterday and knew in my heart somehow that it would be our last time to see each other at least for a while. It hurts badly but I know she is happy and would want us to move through our grief as well.

I sit now and stare at the rain pouring down out my window. I feel as if I have been kicked over and over but I know in my heart that I will keep getting up and keep putting one foot in front of the other. My heart aches for the loss of my grandma, but just as the rain makes things grow..I too will grow. Maybe instead of looking at the rain as something I wish to get rid of today, I should go out and enjoy the wondrous things that we get to see each day that we are blessed to be here! I think it is time for a good run in the rain! I spend too much time worrying about those things I can not change and today I am going to just enjoy what gifts I have been given today!

I hope that today everyone will take one moment out of there days to call someone important to them and share your love. You never know when the last time you talked will really be the "last" time you talk!

Let it rain!!!!

Dear Sharon

Cancer took another life from this world and today I watch a friend be laid to rest. This letter is the one that she would never get to read........

Dear Sharon,

I just want you know that you have made a difference in lives of many including my own. When we met all those years ago I was afraid of you. (I know you are probably laughing hysterically now) I was a rookie supervisor and came into a group of seasoned and very opinionated teachers. :) I remember going home and thinking...."wow, what have I got myself into".  At our first staff meeting things changed. I felt that you understood and agreed with my "laughter is the best bonding medicine". I did silly games and made sure we were all laughing and I felt like you understood. Those times at Head Start will be with me forever. There were many ups and many downs along our journey and I am thankful for all of them and know that I am better for having known you!

When you called me a few months back I was shocked and saddened by your new chapter of life that you would have to endure. After talking with you several times...I wasn't sad anymore because I knew that if anyone understood that "laughter is the best medicine" it was you! You of all people knew that a good attitude would take you further than any medicine. I am sure that every doc and nurse in that place knew your name! :) Each day that I watched you fight I was in awe of your courage and strength. Life doesn't always hand us the easiest of things to deal with but you handled it with a true "Sharon style"!

I am so thankful that I was able to see you the day you came home from the hospital to become under hospice care. I remember only wondering... why???? You told me that the doctors told you that the treatment options were over and there was nothing else to do. I asked you what you do with that kind of information baffled to hear this coming out of your mouth.  Your response though was what I remember the most...you said, "You just keep your spirits as high as you can each day and trust that God has a plan for all of us". I am crying even as I type this because I struggle today thinking about this. I will do my best to live by this and know that you are right.

I heard the Bob Marley song, "Don't Worry about a thing" and I just imagine you up there with my grandpa looking down and telling me not to worry about anything. I am trying to understand the whys of this but I don't honestly think I am meant to....I know that there is a plan out there of each of us and I hope you can put in a good word with the big guy for me! :)

I will miss you greatly and until we meet again my friend................................

Love,
Holly

Every little thing is gonna be allright...right?

"Keep Moving Forward!" -Walt Disney

I realize I have been a bit MIA lately. I have just been feeling a bit like a cheerleader for a losing team. You can go along great for a while (in my case a LONG while) but at some point you need a cheerleader yourself. I guess I have just finally made it to that point. I don't want to feel this way and believe me I am FULLY aware that my negativity is effecting my life right now. I am trying....and that is all I can say.

Just as I did a few years ago, everyday I put one foot in front of the other and just keep going. My head tells me to give up but I just keep going.  We don't always have to like what is happening to us but we do have the choice in how we deal. today....I am not doing that great. I know that, but the beauty of this roller coaster of life is that I get to make another choice tomorrow!

I am training for a Triathlon this summer and train 6 days a week. I have lost weight, inches, and gained a new found confidence. I feel great physically. Mentally, that may be a different story. this whole cancer thing has screwed up my head. I try to turn off these horrible thoughts but sometimes I just can't. I don't want to die but sometimes I convince myself that I am going to. I feel crazy. I don't even have cancer anymore (according to the doctors). Cancer may leave your body, but it lies in your mind forever...just trying to use the best coping strategies I have to deal each day. Here is the thing though when you get cancer, especially at a young age, you have a lot of time on your hands to contemplate your mortality. Truth is if today was my last day I feel 100% at peace with what I have done with the life I have had. The problem is though there is soooo much I want to DO before I go. There is so much beauty in this world that I want to see! When cancer hits many want to go out and live this great bucket list, but at 32 with 2 kids, a husband, and 2 dogs.....not gonna happen. It makes life a bit difficult to travel the world when you have a young family ( and NO MONEY). Guess for now will have to hope that I get to live long enough to make that stuff happen later.

Well now that all that negativity crap is out of my brain I have to admit I do feel a bit better. Maybe writing, my new love, is the thing keeping me from living happy again. I should make more of an effort to keep with it. It really is cheap therapy and for know it is the only therapy I can afford LOL!

Today on FBW I asked "What songs to pull you out of a funk?"  Yes, I realize it was a bit selfish to ask for total strangers to post uplifting music to inspire me, but I gotta say it kinda worked! Maybe just maybe someone else is having a bad day and will too be inspired by these wonderful lyrics! Thank you to all the facebook fans for being wonderful. I will leave with one positive note since the majority of this post is a bit whiny.... Bob Marley says, "Don't worry....about a thing....because every little thing is gonna be alright!"
I too know that everything will be alright...maybe not today....but it WILL SOON!!!

Have a great day and enjoy the little things that make life so wonderful! That is what I will be doing today! :)