The Diary of the Bald Woman
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Book time
I was going to type a great post today but my two year old wants a story....sorry she wins!!!! :)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Isn't it strange?
I have cancer. It kills many people everyday. It can take your pride, your dignity, and your strength. There is no cure and after you have battled it there is no way of knowing that it is "truly" gone. It can leave physical marks on your body and mental ones too. This disease is powerful and can bring you to your knees very quickly. The treatment is long, can be experimental, and draining.
Why is this the happiest I have ever been?????
Could it be seeing people come together or step up in a time of need? Could it be that some things seem less important than before and some things are way more important? Could it be that you are reminded of these everyday? Could it be a realization that your mind and perception of things drives much of what happens? Or is it that no matter what the end result may be I have lived each day learning, loving, and laughing!!!!?
You decide!
Why is this the happiest I have ever been?????
Could it be seeing people come together or step up in a time of need? Could it be that some things seem less important than before and some things are way more important? Could it be that you are reminded of these everyday? Could it be a realization that your mind and perception of things drives much of what happens? Or is it that no matter what the end result may be I have lived each day learning, loving, and laughing!!!!?
You decide!
Comedy or Tragedy?
Life is a comedy for those who think... and a tragedy for those who feel.
Horace Walpole
I am a thinker so the comedy thing just fits! I wonder if it is because us thinkers don't get wrapped up in life. We take it for what it's worth and try to learn things from each experience we have. Who knows but the world needs both kinds. We need the variety to keep us from being boring!
This last week I have been thinking a lot about what I am doing. I go everyday to radiation treatments and they zap away the remaining cancer cells...maybe if there are any. The biggest question I get now is...Is it gone? I just wish I could answer it. I can't. The "think" it was gone when they took it out in surgery on Dec. 22! The chemo and radiation are supposed to be insurance that it never will return. Why does that answer not feel good enough?
I guess I wanted something like a blood test or like pregnancy tests that says "YES You have cancer" or "NO it is gone"!! My whole thinking has been focused on getting to the last day of chemo....OK, now that has come and gone several weeks ago....NOW WHAT??? Focus on the end of radiation....OK fine but then can I call myself a survivor? I had a mammogram before radiation but it was inconclusive meaning it couldn't give me a clean bill of health but it couldn't give me a negative one either. It is just a post surgery/radiation baseline. I just want this to be out of my life for good, but I don't think that will ever happen. This is a part of me now just as any healed scar. It gone from being threatening to just a reminder.
I guess we all need those from time to time to keep us grounded!
Oh well, now on to new projects...the goal is to help as many people as possible. I am hoping to begin the "Friends of the Bald Woman" charity very soon. Maybe then we can turn those who are feeling sorry for themselves into great thinking comedians too!
Horace Walpole
I am a thinker so the comedy thing just fits! I wonder if it is because us thinkers don't get wrapped up in life. We take it for what it's worth and try to learn things from each experience we have. Who knows but the world needs both kinds. We need the variety to keep us from being boring!
This last week I have been thinking a lot about what I am doing. I go everyday to radiation treatments and they zap away the remaining cancer cells...maybe if there are any. The biggest question I get now is...Is it gone? I just wish I could answer it. I can't. The "think" it was gone when they took it out in surgery on Dec. 22! The chemo and radiation are supposed to be insurance that it never will return. Why does that answer not feel good enough?
I guess I wanted something like a blood test or like pregnancy tests that says "YES You have cancer" or "NO it is gone"!! My whole thinking has been focused on getting to the last day of chemo....OK, now that has come and gone several weeks ago....NOW WHAT??? Focus on the end of radiation....OK fine but then can I call myself a survivor? I had a mammogram before radiation but it was inconclusive meaning it couldn't give me a clean bill of health but it couldn't give me a negative one either. It is just a post surgery/radiation baseline. I just want this to be out of my life for good, but I don't think that will ever happen. This is a part of me now just as any healed scar. It gone from being threatening to just a reminder.
I guess we all need those from time to time to keep us grounded!
Oh well, now on to new projects...the goal is to help as many people as possible. I am hoping to begin the "Friends of the Bald Woman" charity very soon. Maybe then we can turn those who are feeling sorry for themselves into great thinking comedians too!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
All American Campout
The Fourth of July is one of the best times of the year. There is fun, fireworks, bbq, and even a bit of camping if your lucky. This year my husband and I wanted to give our kids all of those things. You know it is there right of childhood or some crap like that. We wanted to give them a full 4th experience. Boy are we stupid over-achiever parents.....
I am an idea person. I love thinking up new ways of doing things, new experiences that our kids need to have, and ways to make life fun! I am really good at coming up with ideas.... BUT.... I need people around to kind of "shoot some holes in them" sometimes. I need someone to help think of all the things that could go wrong or would be the negatives of my brilliant plans. That is actually a negative to being a pretty positive person (that is weird to write). On this particular plan nobody "shot any holes in the plan". I wonder if that is because I said it out loud in front of our kids before really thinking about it much or even discussing it???? NO THAT COULDN'T BE IT!
We decided to camp out in our backyard after having a small bbq. We walked down a block and watched the fireworks for a few minutes and then back to our campout. That is really all they wanted to do was get in the tent. I realize that many are hysterically laughing right now because you know what I should have known. A 20 year old body camping holds up way better than our 30 year old bodies did. Let's be glad that we are only in our early 30's! Is this why older people get RV's??? The last time we went camping (4 or 5 years ago I think) I remember not being phased by sleeping on the ground. This time however the short amount of time we did sleep out there it was miserably uncomfortable (and that is actually me being positive minded about it)! So here we all are 2 kids, 2 excited adults, and one dog on complete sensory overload trying to get comfy in our huge tent.
2 year old is out within in 10 seconds. I am thinking this is gonna be easy...oh but it never is! Is it?
6 year old wants to go back in the house. HUH??? He states that he doesn't really want to be out here to sleep anymore....oh no he didn't. Didn't he realize the work that went into doing this? didn't he realize that I was giving him MEMORIES???? NO of course not he is 6!! I calmly talk to him telling him all the great things about camping and he decides that it will be fun and falls asleep 5 minutes later.
The dog after sniffing every square inch of our two room tent settled but startled several more times before settling down right on top of the kid's legs. I smiled and went to sleep.....yeah right guys seriously. It wouldn't be in this post if it were easy would it. I really wonder why people think this fun anymore. This includes me. Several times I thought about going in and leaving my husband out there with the kids and just pulling the whole "I have cancer and the doctor says no sleeping on the ground....or I have cancer and I can easily get sick. The elements out here are too much." I thought of all the reasons I could give and must of fallen asleep. So actually I did fall asleep with a smile thinking about all the excuses I could give.
Then 4am rolls around. The sun was beginning to come up and my son woke me up to go to the bathroom. We go in the house and come back out. My husband who hadn't slept either was awake. I then have the great plan....."Hey, well we camped outside all night and it is morning (I made that 'we can count this now as good parenting' face). How about we go in to the couch and put a movie on and some coffee????" He got what I was saying immediately and we all went in the house with a blanket and pillow. We piled on the couch and watched.....don't have a clue! We all slept there till 8am! Well everyone except my husband....he was wide awake!
It didn't stop there though....when we did get up. We had breakfast and coffee outside. We got backpacks on (the kids) and "hiked" our neighborhood. Then we geocashed the rest of the day.
Overall, our parenting this weekend gets an A. We tried our best, we did it, and we made it through. That is all parenting really is though... Hey isn't that like life??? I think we did give our kids memories that hopefully they will take with them to adulthood and eventually use as reasons why they have all the issues they have later! (just kidding but that's what I do)
I think this is the best thing you can give someone...memories! It doesn't matter if the trip was good or bad. It matters if they remember it!
I am an idea person. I love thinking up new ways of doing things, new experiences that our kids need to have, and ways to make life fun! I am really good at coming up with ideas.... BUT.... I need people around to kind of "shoot some holes in them" sometimes. I need someone to help think of all the things that could go wrong or would be the negatives of my brilliant plans. That is actually a negative to being a pretty positive person (that is weird to write). On this particular plan nobody "shot any holes in the plan". I wonder if that is because I said it out loud in front of our kids before really thinking about it much or even discussing it???? NO THAT COULDN'T BE IT!
We decided to camp out in our backyard after having a small bbq. We walked down a block and watched the fireworks for a few minutes and then back to our campout. That is really all they wanted to do was get in the tent. I realize that many are hysterically laughing right now because you know what I should have known. A 20 year old body camping holds up way better than our 30 year old bodies did. Let's be glad that we are only in our early 30's! Is this why older people get RV's??? The last time we went camping (4 or 5 years ago I think) I remember not being phased by sleeping on the ground. This time however the short amount of time we did sleep out there it was miserably uncomfortable (and that is actually me being positive minded about it)! So here we all are 2 kids, 2 excited adults, and one dog on complete sensory overload trying to get comfy in our huge tent.
2 year old is out within in 10 seconds. I am thinking this is gonna be easy...oh but it never is! Is it?
6 year old wants to go back in the house. HUH??? He states that he doesn't really want to be out here to sleep anymore....oh no he didn't. Didn't he realize the work that went into doing this? didn't he realize that I was giving him MEMORIES???? NO of course not he is 6!! I calmly talk to him telling him all the great things about camping and he decides that it will be fun and falls asleep 5 minutes later.
The dog after sniffing every square inch of our two room tent settled but startled several more times before settling down right on top of the kid's legs. I smiled and went to sleep.....yeah right guys seriously. It wouldn't be in this post if it were easy would it. I really wonder why people think this fun anymore. This includes me. Several times I thought about going in and leaving my husband out there with the kids and just pulling the whole "I have cancer and the doctor says no sleeping on the ground....or I have cancer and I can easily get sick. The elements out here are too much." I thought of all the reasons I could give and must of fallen asleep. So actually I did fall asleep with a smile thinking about all the excuses I could give.
Then 4am rolls around. The sun was beginning to come up and my son woke me up to go to the bathroom. We go in the house and come back out. My husband who hadn't slept either was awake. I then have the great plan....."Hey, well we camped outside all night and it is morning (I made that 'we can count this now as good parenting' face). How about we go in to the couch and put a movie on and some coffee????" He got what I was saying immediately and we all went in the house with a blanket and pillow. We piled on the couch and watched.....don't have a clue! We all slept there till 8am! Well everyone except my husband....he was wide awake!
It didn't stop there though....when we did get up. We had breakfast and coffee outside. We got backpacks on (the kids) and "hiked" our neighborhood. Then we geocashed the rest of the day.
Overall, our parenting this weekend gets an A. We tried our best, we did it, and we made it through. That is all parenting really is though... Hey isn't that like life??? I think we did give our kids memories that hopefully they will take with them to adulthood and eventually use as reasons why they have all the issues they have later! (just kidding but that's what I do)
I think this is the best thing you can give someone...memories! It doesn't matter if the trip was good or bad. It matters if they remember it!
Friday, July 2, 2010
The Hospital
In my great rush to post and get out the door I forgot one of the main highlights of our trip. We in this house believe that anytime we go on vacation we need to visit a hospital or ER. This vacation was no different than any others. The very first night after a long 6 hour drive we settled into our hotel. We swam in the pool because it was the first thing the kids saw when we arrived and we had a nice dinner. We walked and explored the town and the beach and life was good. Vacation was underway! Then after we all settled into our rooms and began to drift off into dreamland it started. The tears were flowing and the pain was high....I am not talking about one of the kids....IT WAS ME!!!! Water had been stuck in my ear and I couldn't get it out. I had been trying for hours. When it was time to lay down however there was the bulging pain coming out of my right ear. It was terrible. I muttled silently through till 2 AM. After not sleeping a minute I finally woke up my husband. I sat there in sooooo much pain and me being the prepared chemo-brained person had not one Tylenol to take! He so kindly went down to the front desk to ask about a walk in clinic(I knew what was wrong...ear infection. Just curious as to why I got one). They had no Tylenol so my wonderful husband drove to the nearest gas station and got me some at 2am! There was not only no walk in clinic near by but NOWHERE to go see a doctor for 30 miles. I medicated myself through the evening and half the next day but it wouldn't go away and we had 5 more days left. We drove the 30 miles and went to the hospital. They told me they would "fast track" me into a spot. It would literally take them 10 seconds to look in my ear. 3 HOURS later I was "fast tracked" into a room where the 10 seconds confirmed what I had said....EAR INFECTION. Now I am thinking I should go to med school with this great knowledge I have! We finally left to go to an 8:00 dinner and pick up my "NOT COVERED HERE" medicine. (Those who don't know this is not the first time this has happened to us!). We ended this fabulous day with a laugh that we visited yet another doctor while on vacation.......all in the day of the bald woman!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
The Ocean
What is it about the ocean that just calms me down. I can be having the worst day, best day, or anywhere in between but feel relaxed listening and watching the waves crash. I love the smells, sounds, and feel of that cool breeze that constantly keeps blowing. Every good vacation must come to end...that is why they call them vacations and not LIFE. Today is back to reality. The bald woman here and my lovely family went to the coast for 6 days. It was not all fun for me because part of this trip (2 days) I was working. I went to training while my husband and kids played endlessly on the beach and in the pool! Training and work barely felt like that though. I was very inspired, challenged to think, and now have returned with many new ideas on how to change the lives of teenagers! That is the main goal of any training I think, so I can actually say it was all fun I guess!
I also did something I have never done before. I went in the pool no wigs or bandanna. It was just "1/2 inch hair woman" (I can't say I am technically bald anymore...although hair or no hair I will always be "The Bald Woman") It was pretty freeing and apart from the training and one dinner the wig was off and I had a hat on. I am on my way to real hair....it has been sooooo long since I have had hair. I am ready to feel wind in it, put it in a pony tail, and curse it to death when I am headed out for the night. I want it to move faster, but one lesson thing to know about cancer is "NOTHING BUT THE CANCER MOVES FAST IN THIS CANCER WORLD" Oh well, all in good time I guess. You lovely ladies with hair be thankful! :)
Well here are the highlights of the Ocean Shores trip!!!!!!
7. Took a four mile run with a great friend right on the beach. I could run there EVERYDAY. I was not as fast as I had hoped but I DID it so I will give myself that credit! On this run we saw about 30 steps away a BALD EAGLE staring at us. It was absolutely amazing!!! Wow to nature. It was so cool to feel a part of nature with the ocean the animals and us there!
6. Sandcastle and sawdust festival. There were some super creative people creating great works of art out of nothing but a square of sand and tree. Wow. It is amazing to see art in progress!
5. Our hotel was the Lighthouse Inn and it had a lighthouse on top of it. Hearing my 2 year old call it "Our Castle" every time she referred to it was pretty funny. "Lets go home to our castle mommy" never got old.
4. Watching my son get so excited to just dig in the sand everyday and occasionally play cooperatively with his sister! They can go from best buddies to beating each other in 10 seconds flat...that is a skill!
3. Spending 3 times more money than we inteded too! This could be because of the $40 sweatshirts we had to purchase for everyone, the overpriced knick knacks, or the overpriced mediocre food (only at a few places- not all). All in the spirit of a good VACATION right!!! :)
2. Stopping 5 times on the way home for potty breaks! on one of the stops we stopped at a small store in the mountain pass. We stopped there a year and half ago after skiing. My husband wanted a drink and only had a card. The guy said it would cost more to run the card in his machine than to just give it to him. He said take it and next time you come through get it back to him. Well we stopped bought a water and suprised hime with the money for the drink he had given him plus a BUNCH of interest. He was thankful, suprised, and hopefully he knows what goes around always will come back around (even if it is years later). He did remember my husband too!
1. The group hug on the beach on the last day. We were thankful to have gone. No matter how many times those beautiful children drove us nuts with fighting, argueing, and being crazy in public we were incredibly greatful that they were ours to have had this great adventure.
I can't call myself cancer free or a survivor yet because the last leg of the journey begins in 45 minutes, but I am thankful to be hear EACH and EVERY day. That will never change no matter if I have cancer or not! Love the life you have and you will have a life to love!!!! Forgot who said it and it may not be exact, but you get the idea!!! Have a great day!
I also did something I have never done before. I went in the pool no wigs or bandanna. It was just "1/2 inch hair woman" (I can't say I am technically bald anymore...although hair or no hair I will always be "The Bald Woman") It was pretty freeing and apart from the training and one dinner the wig was off and I had a hat on. I am on my way to real hair....it has been sooooo long since I have had hair. I am ready to feel wind in it, put it in a pony tail, and curse it to death when I am headed out for the night. I want it to move faster, but one lesson thing to know about cancer is "NOTHING BUT THE CANCER MOVES FAST IN THIS CANCER WORLD" Oh well, all in good time I guess. You lovely ladies with hair be thankful! :)
Well here are the highlights of the Ocean Shores trip!!!!!!
7. Took a four mile run with a great friend right on the beach. I could run there EVERYDAY. I was not as fast as I had hoped but I DID it so I will give myself that credit! On this run we saw about 30 steps away a BALD EAGLE staring at us. It was absolutely amazing!!! Wow to nature. It was so cool to feel a part of nature with the ocean the animals and us there!
6. Sandcastle and sawdust festival. There were some super creative people creating great works of art out of nothing but a square of sand and tree. Wow. It is amazing to see art in progress!
5. Our hotel was the Lighthouse Inn and it had a lighthouse on top of it. Hearing my 2 year old call it "Our Castle" every time she referred to it was pretty funny. "Lets go home to our castle mommy" never got old.
4. Watching my son get so excited to just dig in the sand everyday and occasionally play cooperatively with his sister! They can go from best buddies to beating each other in 10 seconds flat...that is a skill!
3. Spending 3 times more money than we inteded too! This could be because of the $40 sweatshirts we had to purchase for everyone, the overpriced knick knacks, or the overpriced mediocre food (only at a few places- not all). All in the spirit of a good VACATION right!!! :)
2. Stopping 5 times on the way home for potty breaks! on one of the stops we stopped at a small store in the mountain pass. We stopped there a year and half ago after skiing. My husband wanted a drink and only had a card. The guy said it would cost more to run the card in his machine than to just give it to him. He said take it and next time you come through get it back to him. Well we stopped bought a water and suprised hime with the money for the drink he had given him plus a BUNCH of interest. He was thankful, suprised, and hopefully he knows what goes around always will come back around (even if it is years later). He did remember my husband too!
1. The group hug on the beach on the last day. We were thankful to have gone. No matter how many times those beautiful children drove us nuts with fighting, argueing, and being crazy in public we were incredibly greatful that they were ours to have had this great adventure.
I can't call myself cancer free or a survivor yet because the last leg of the journey begins in 45 minutes, but I am thankful to be hear EACH and EVERY day. That will never change no matter if I have cancer or not! Love the life you have and you will have a life to love!!!! Forgot who said it and it may not be exact, but you get the idea!!! Have a great day!
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