My 200th post!!

This is my 200th post....wow. For someone who never dreamed I would be a writer, I think I can finally say...I am a writer. I love this blog. I love it because it provides an outlet, a way to show the power of being positive, and a way that one day may change someone else.

Today's quote:
My life is every moment of my life. It is not a culmination of the past.

Hugh Leonard

You can't look to your past and what has happened to you to shape who you are now or where you are going. It's important to learn from where you came from but that doesn't define you. We are who we are because of those things but capable of endless opportunities just waiting to happen. I feel at this moment I am being led in the "perfect" path for me. It may not affect millions but I think me having been on this planet will have helped a few people be better. That is the hope anyway...

Every so often, I struggle with the choices I have made in my life and wonder if they are the right ones. I am just like everyone else out there sacrificing and searching for some bigger meaning. I started Friends of the Bald Woman to help women in need. Our first year has beyond passed any one's expectations and I am proud of that. Just as a gas tank runs low to empty however, I do too. My intentions are coming from the purest and  best places but this game.....IS HARD! It is hard to compete with the "big guys". It is hard to manage my time equally amongst all these things I feel are important. It is hard to know if it even matters. This game is hard! Many times my tank needs to be filled with all the reasons why I am doing what I am doing to keep this thing moving forward. It is not something you can ask people for, but it always comes when I am in most need.
I think to myself sometimes how much EASIER my life was before I had cancer or before other key moments in my life happened. It was get up, take care of kids, go to work, and then do it all again. This routine has since been shattered and I find myself too often feeling lost without a clue as to my direction. I didn't have to think before. I get angry that cancer came into my life and turned it upside down. I think of some of the greatest athletes, great leaders, and companies that have existed and wonder if they struggled like I do. Did they feel 100% that they were on the right path but still needed to just "know"? Why does my head tell me to constantly question what my heart is telling me to just do? Can't they just get along??? My guess is the greatest things in life never came easy and without struggles so I too will keep pushing forward until my vision of helping people is beyond what I can see at the moment. I have drive and just because I can't see this everyday doesn't mean that I will give up on what I feel I can do. We should never lose sight of what it is that we want. My bottom line is simple. I have said it before. I just want people to smile and  laugh more. They seems so small but really can be quite difficult. I want to change the way we see the cup. It may be half empty but look how cute the cup is??? See hopefully you just smiled.....I am on a mission and although right now it is difficult so are many other obstacles that I have come up against. I have won many of those battles but learned from them all. I will get my tank filled at just the moment when I need it most and remember once again why I am here. I will now and forever continue to keep moving forward.

Take the great gifts and talents that your were blessed with and SHARE them with the world (or anyone who will accept them). This can be the culmination of your life's past meeting up with the present to create one powerful LIFE!

Everyday kind of life

Today, I woke up alone in a King sized bed with all my covers on and before my alarm clock went off. I got showered, dressed to go off to work in my favorite pair of Jimmy Choo's, poured my coffee, and was ready to tackle the world. I work at a very large organization in one of those ultra modern high rise buildings and as I walk in with my coffee I say hello to everyone working away in their cubicles. I sit at my desk, sigh, and know that this is where I am meant to be.  I head home but stop off at the local gym for a spin class. I sit down and enjoy my glass of wine and wind down before I do it all again tomorrow.......

15 years ago, this is the life I said I wanted. I was a small town high school student in the middle of Missouri that dreamed of heading off to the city. I had ambitions of being an ad exec and working in a high rise building somewhere. Life for me since high school took a few twists and turns and now my life looks more like this.........

Today I awoke to a toenail scrapping the side of my face. It hurt to so I got up, well rolled 45 degrees and fell out.  I tip toe into the other room to put a pot of coffee on as to not disturb the children. This gives me 5 minutes of quiet before they wake up. I realize we are out of real coffee and I have to use the "fake" stuff. I hear a noise from the other room.......OHHHHHH no it is the alarm clock that I had set going off. If that stupid clock wakes up my 3 year old I am going to......."HI MOM!", she says. "Hi sweetheart.....(sigh)" Well so much for that 5 minutes. Oh well dress the kids, make the beds, make lunches for school, and if I am lucky a nice 5 minute shower. After the shower I get ready for work in my best hole-filled clothing and take 3 minutes to attempt makeup and hair. We are ready to roll about 8 am and I take the kids to school. The zoo of a parking lot prevents me from parking in it so we have to park down the street and walk. I appreciate the only exercise that I will have time to squeeze in. Kids get dropped off and I head to work. I drive 20 minutes to get there and work for 2 hours. Go back across town and pick up my preschooler, and head home to feed her lunch. We have 25 minutes to eat because gymnastics starts at 12:15. Then shuttle back across town to the gymnastics place. Sit for an hour and use my phone to answer emails and make any calls needed for work. We head home where I fix my daughter another snack and put on Dora. I then head into my office where I either work some more from home or work running my non-profit organization. Quick books, data entry, answer emails, and beg for money. That is my next few hours....It takes this long because in between journal entries I am "drinking tea" or "pretending that barbie is going to the beach" or being the "evil queen that tries to lock up my princess daughter".... then at 3:30 we walk down to pick up my son from his bus stop that is about a 1/2 mile away. My daughter leisurely rides her bike at a 0.01 mile an hour pace and we finally make it down there 20 min later. Again I am thankful for another exercise break even though the pace is far from my style. Then I  greet my son off the bus and ask him about his day. I then ask about 100 extra questions to get more than, "fine". We walk back to the house and by 4:00  it is after school snack time. They have 30 minutes to make this happen because my son has to get dressed for football practice. By 5:00 we are leaving the house and driving 30 min across town to football practice. This lasts for two hours. I, on occasion will leave after my husband arrives to go home and get dinner started so we can eat at 8:00 at night. At 8 they  get home from football, we eat dinner, and I ensure that everyone has had a shower. By 9:00 the kids are asleep and finally a chance to relax. About 5 minutes after sitting down on the couch....I am asleep. I head off to bed to dream about....nothing. You have to sleep for a good length of time to get into dream mode! Then I wake up, or am woke up, and do it all again.


I realize many of you are failing to see the glamour in this last scenario, but it really is! I am a princess, taxi driver, chef, parent, employee, philanthropist, and cheerleader. I know it is not the life that I envisioned in high school, but back then I was an idiot! I thought money grew on trees, people were supposed to  drive you around, and meals just popped out of the oven. This is my everyday without any complications. No extras that pop up out of your control or battling cancer nonetheless. This is life I never knew I wanted. This is the life that I wake up or am woke up, thanking God I got to do it again!

The grass is always greener somewhere else. I just don't care because I am having too much fun!!!

SMILES ARE FREE

The Friends of the Bald Woman calendar project is coming to a close soon and I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to connect with these 11 other ladies. I go to these shoots week after week and every time am humbled and in awe of the spirit that surrounds these women. They are our moms, daughters, wives, and friends. I have seen strength and hope in these women that is unmatched in every day life. I don't think anyone plans to be strong but when in the situation that calls for it you have two choices....do it, or don't. these ladies did it for sure. They are funny, they are kind, and they are thankful for what they have. I am so pleased that the support for our calendar has grown. This whole project started with a Bald Lady photo shoot with my favorite photographer friend. She produced the most true pictures of myself that I have seen to this day and I wanted everyone in that situation to have the opportunity to feel their inner beauty too.
Many people ask me why I do this (Friends of the Bald Woman). There is no pay, countless hours of planning, few thanks, and constantly feeling at the mercy of other people's pocket books. It is hard, it is time consuming, it brings sleepless nights and tears, and yet...this is the most rewarding thing I have ever done! I can sum up why I do what I do into one reason....I do this because it brings a smile! That may appear simple to those reading, and guess what it is. I just simply want people to smile more. It may be from receiving one of our support services. It may be from one of my OH SO FUNNY blog posts. It may be giving people a way to give a bit of themselves to others. It may come in many different ways but the bottom line for me is that smiles are contagious. They are infections and it is one thing we don't do enough of. Not to say you can't take anything seriously, but really we are here for an unknown time and so is everyone else here...Why waste our time here being full of all the negative stuff?? I think it is time for one of my famous lists.....

What Cancer took from me
1. My chances of becoming a Playboy model (oh wait, my kids did that!)

2. My hair (that I really didn't like that much to begin with)

3. My fame and fortune (wait, again no fortune to take and I have more fame post- cancer than any high school soccer game ever gave me)

4. My time (always want more and less, always want it to hurry up and slow down)

5. My brain (well at least the ability to remember anything...including anything else that it took from me!!)

What I took from Cancer:
1. FREE meals, house cleaning, wigs, and weekly massages

2. Great stories that go with each scar on my body

3. Better Perspective on life

4. FAME (Newspapers, TV spots, name on a famous car, wow! still waiting on the fortune part!!!)

5. The ability to get out of basically anything with my "cancer card" for the rest of my life. (I would never do that though....or would I????)

6. MY LIFE! (I never let this evil beast take my life or my spirit and for that I am the most grateful!!)

Well that is all she wrote for today ladies and gents! Today's challenge is to make ONE person truly smile today! That is it only ONE! Tell them to pass it on though and we will see how long we can keep the smile going! Smiles are free and can make the day of someone so change the world today folks!! Make your day a great one!

Life as I know it...

Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.
Grandma Moses

Today is a very special day for me. Today is my daughters 4th birthday and my first ever "cancer"versary. I can't believe it has been a year since I walked out of the doors of our treatment center. This year by far has been more difficult than the previous years cancer battle. The cancer battle is difficult. It involves being physically sick A LOT and feeling like you are climbing the biggest mountain in the world barefoot and with no coat! This last year, however, was more mental. I felt as if I made it to the top of this mountain and saw the most amazing view of my life and then had to go down the other side and go back to reality. It didn't work anymore. The cheerleaders that I once had cheering me on were replaced with bill collectors. The doctors asking me how I was doing EVERYDAY just stopped. The finish line of the big race had come and gone and I was there alone to process what had just happened. It was difficult to drop back into the life that once worked for me.
My life now is far from perfect but it is perfect for me! We spend so much time thinking that the grass is greener somewhere else but to tell you the truth I am having too much fun to care if mine is yellow, too tall, or dead. I live each day differently and I am forever thankful for the things that have changed me and made me happier. who would have thought that an ugly thing like cancer would turn out to be such a positive thing and if that is the case my little everyday difficulties seem a lot smaller to me! Life is great for me because I say it is...that is it. No big secret involved. it is what I make of it! I can CHOOSE to focus on all that is wrong or I can CHOOSE to learn from that and be thankful for what I do have!
Life as I know it changed on Dec 23, 2009 but I am still here and that is all that matters!
Make today count because you never know when your clock is up!!

Fears

Fear of the worst when the worst in the past
Wondering how long these worries are supposed to last

I hate this disease and what I have become
but the past is the past and it's over and done

The mountain has been climbed and the lessons have been taught
I just wish to God that this fear and worry could be forgot

I fought hard and tough and won my fight
but the memories linger on like a long dark night

Feeling alone but so many surround me
Why can't I just go back to the way I used to be

Maybe I will, maybe one day.. the rest is still unknown
For now I just sit back with my fear and wait to be shown!

What do you say

What do you say in those situations with your kids when they ask the most difficult questions. "Mom,where do babies come from? Why do people get married? Why do people fart?" Some make you laugh, some make you cry, and some just stop you in your tracks and think....

My son is 7 years old, he is funny, smart as whip, and cute as a button. He changed my life when he was born. He is very inquisitive and always asking questions that could have many answers. Most of the time I can still answer these questions in the most simple way possible. Last night however he got me. I had no answer. I am the mom and am supposed to know ALL the answers and last night....well I could barely even respond.
He asked me last night if I was going to have to do chemo again. I told him, "I don't think so". He doesn't need to know that I worry about this same question all the time still, so I answer and look down at this huge 7 year old kid barely fitting on my lap. He wipes his eyes. "Are you crying?" I ask him a bit confused. The whole time I went through treatments he never really said anything much about it. I tried to get him to talk about it but he never really did so I guess in my mind I believed he was unaffected by this as my 3 year old was and will be. I was wrong.
He looks up with those little blue eyes filled with tears and says,"Cancer can kill people". I shake my head, attempting to not burst into tears too, and say, "you are right love it does sometimes". He lays on my chest and tells me that he doesn't want me to die because he would miss me and not see me again till he dies. Tears are flowing now and I am trying to have some great things to say to ease his poor little mind. I remind him how I won my fight and my cancer is all gone. Then he asks the hard one, is it gonna come back?.....What do say to this? Do lie and say no way or never? Do you tell the truth and say maybe? Do you hug your little one tight and tell him you love him and you are doing everything possible to make sure that you never see this again?
My fear from day one was not treatment but that my kids would be affected by this disease too. Take what you want from me but leave my kids alone. Cancer effects an ENTIRE family not just the one receiving the treatments. Yes, treatment is the harder part BUT I would rather go through treatments than watch it any day! Seeing my 7 year old son so upset about this makes me hate this disease even more than I already do! I really didn't think that was possible. My fuel that occasionally runs out for helping those with cancer and their families was just refilled for like a year and I am on a mission to destroy this worry.
I hugged my son last night I told him that I loved him and will forever love him. I told him that even though my cancer is gone I will fight EVERY day to keep it away for him and his sister. I don't know if what I said helped ease his fears but it was 100% truth. I don't know what my future has in store for me so there is really no point in worrying about it. I have said it a million times in this blog and live it each day, "keep moving forward".....that is all we can do.
What do you say when you don't know the answers? I guess maybe sometimes the answer is just not having one.

Sparks

Some will say that one person can not change the world. Maybe, but ONE person can spark a chain of events that in turn does change the world.....One small thing that you do could be that spark. It could be as simple as smile or kind words to a stranger. You never know....

Will you be the spark or will you be the one who blows it out?

Just some random thoughts of the day from the gal who is trying to light as many sparks as possible to see one huge fireworks show this fourth of July!
Have a good one!!!