Relay Recap

The Bald Woman has had another crazy busy weekend going. I am surprised everyone is still sleeping and I have time to write this. I will be whisked away to housecleaning in a few short minutes so time is of the essence...

It started with the Relay for Life. It was lots of fun being around so many positive people that want to see this disease gone. I saw no other baldies out this fine evening but Bald Woman represented for you all don't worry!!! The Bald Woman and myself are becoming more like one person everyday. My wonderful family came down to support the cause, my doctor was there nurses, my favorite front desk girl, my favorite hairdresser, and even my support group and work out ladies. It was fun. On the survior lap it was almost hard to keep a few tears out of my eyes. I think it was walking around and everyone clapping for us. I just remember thinking, "I haven't even done anything". Most people that know me would assume I was in my glory...I mean walking around and people just clapping for me taking pics...really it is this small town gals dream! It was weird though becasue I was amoungst some real heros. One woman next to me had been a survivor for 37 years. That to me deserves a round of applause. I just try to imagine what her treatment was 37 years ago and how horrible it must have been. People like that and the advancements in treatment have made it much better for us now. To be walking with them is an honor.

The highlight however for me was the luminary lap. All lights went off and each person affected here or passed on had a lighted bag. They also spelled out the word HOPE on the bleachers. Those of you who have gone to this know that there is a lap of silence too....that is when this Bald Woman started to get worried. Silence and and my children (especially at 10:45pm) do not go together. One of my favorite moments from this was my son asking if we could stop walking and go to bed now. He said we could "share a tent with someone". I whispered to him that this was the last lap and he like any happy little boy rolled his eyes and kept going....love him :) My other biggest fan, my 2 year old (who was hanging in pretty well because her super smart mother decided to give her a good nap at 4:00), is shoulder riding at this point. She walked quite a bit but would often lay on the ground and say her "heels weren't working" (turns out she had a blister forming...poor gal) Right before we left she whispers in her cute little voice from her dad's shoulders..."Can we talk to you now???" I smiled and walked up to the car with my wonderful little family so proud that they were there to support me.

Went back again by myself in the early morning while they were asleep and got a great mile and half run in and mile walk or so. One of these years we can try the whole camp out thing....maybe. That would make for a good post I am sure!

The countdown to chemo being over....2 left! Watch out cancer...I am coming for you when this is over!

Happy Places

Well I have calmed down and found my happy place so don't worry about me! I was a bit upset as yesterday's post described! I had my chemo this morning and went to the Well Fit class. This program partners with the gym here and gives patients free memberships to the gym and a trainer 2 days a week. I am very happy to be allowed in this program early (without being done with chemo) I went there right after the chemo ended and proceeded to run out my anger hard with a mile and half run. I got a few hard sprints in too which just helped to melt away the anger! Then I did the circut training for an hour (2 circles through). I was pleased with this hard push today and I feel like a million bucks. Considering I just left the chemo chair....I feel glad that I did it and I think I suprised a few trainers too :) I get to have another mamogram tomorrow (just so the radiation people have a current one- last one was in Dec.) Yeah love them!!!! Oh well this is the least of my worries and I know with a 100% certainty now that I will have done everything to fight this off. I fully believe it is gone now but extra insurance is never a bad thing is what i have come to discover!! I will stand up and keep fighting no matter how many times this dumb disease tries to knock me down. It has no idea who it is dealing with...and now I am mad so my intesity goes to overload. Now I will not only knock you out of me...I will fight you for everyone else too....WATCH OUT CANCER I AM COMING FOR YOU! (and.....Scene)
That is my dramatic moment of the day! Thats a wrap will get back to it tomorrow

HAD A BAD DAY

Anger is all I feel at this moment. I feel as if I have just crossed the finish line of a marathon only to have them tell me...sorry the finish line is 3 miles that way! I was pretty much under the impression I would not need radiation. After today's consult with the rad oncologist that is not the case. Aparrently the studies show that having the radiation after the chemo reduces the risk of it coming back. Me not wanting to do this challenged her with a, "well how much could it really reduce". She informs me 3-4% a year. Being that I am so young (which seems to be the great factor that makes everything about this 10 times worse on me) I need 33 daily treatments of radiation. This will lower the chances of it coming back unless I want to get a masectomy. So now here I am sitting here wondering what the hell to think. Part of me says stay true to my original philosiphy of DO WHAT IT TAKES and do everything humanly possible to keep being here. At the end of the day I will know that I have done all I can to make sure I don't deal with this again. Now the other part says WTF....this is BS and I am done. I am not gaining that much so why spend 7 more weeks of my life on this sh**! The radiation is nothing compared to what I have done already, but I am so disappointed. I just really had the end in sight and now....whatever!! I am feeling defeated right now but I don't know why. I have no reason to. I have kicked this thing pretty hard. It just feels like a low blow in order to go a few more rounds you know! I know what I need to do I am just pissed off that I have to do it. I think I know how this stupid disease gets people.. it wears on you till your just done! I look at my family and I know there really isn't a choice and I WILL suck it up and just get it done. I never promised no complaining. I am praying that tomorrow will be a new day and I will have a better attitude to share. Too funny...song on the tv right now is "You've had a Bad Day"!!!! Makes me smile actually...go figure. I guess we all have them no matter where we are or what our health is. Can't win them all but you can sure try!
Bald Woman's words of wisdom today....Have a Good Day! That's it!

Bald Woman Bares it All

My head...... chill out! After lots of thinking I decided I wanted to take some pictures without my bandana or my hair on. It is like when you are pregnant and you don't want anyone to take your picture. You feel unattractive and don't want to be reminded, but after it's over and you are back to "normal" again....you wish you would have. Having done that twice with both kids before I decided to go for it.

Talk about insecure...wow...I had no idea how comfortable I felt in my ugly bandanas and my cute wigs. I really thought I was pretty secure with this bald woman thing. I look at myself in the mirror every night and know that this is a temporary thing and it too will pass. I look at my crazy Brit pics that I took in the beginning and laugh. I have not really cried much over it apart from a few times in the beginning. I have been bald for 4 months now..this is not a new thing. So why now I wonder, am I so insecure about it. The insecurity is driving me to be insecure about other things too. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. Why am I now comparing myself to everyone else around me?

I think it is because I was never really OK with it. I don't go bald except in my house and that is only at night. I don't like it. Just showing my sister last night while she did my makeup put me in this crazy insecure place. She is just so together. She always looks perfect with makeup, hair, and clothes. Both of my sisters are like that. I got the heaviness, bald head, and no makeup abilities. This makes me crazy even when I didn't have cancer. I know I have other great qualities and all that crap but for once I wish the outside matched what is on the inside! After the makeup was done last night it looked great (probably never going to be able to recreate it myself but looked great). I then just stared at my head and ripped apart everything else about myself. It was weird because I wanted this and I looked at myself and just felt awful with some great makeup! It took until I got there and started snapping pics before I forgot about that and just went with it. I am so glad that Andrea gave me the opportunity to capture this moment. I will love these and have a constant reminder of what is really important and that beauty is in everyone no matter what is on the outside. You have to know that within yourself though before anyone else will. I think because of yesterday's photo shoot I now feel there is a match. I don't think I will walk bald on the streets yet, but I am not really afraid to show anyone either.

I have showed more people in the last week my head than I have the whole time. I wish I was stronger and could just go around without all the fuss, but oh well huh. The middle school girls asked if they could see my head last week on our last day. With some hesitation I decided to go for it. A good friend told me I should use that power with them. (Bald Woman really is a superhero see!) They were a little shocked but all asked if they could touch it and loved how soft my hair was. I am pretty certain that there was a small mark left on each of those girls that day which made it worth doing. I think it was left because they hadn't seen it for four months and without me telling them it was a wig they would have never known. They saw me for who I am as a person not what I look like. They saw that hair or no hair I am still me like or not.

Now after thinking about this a bit more I am ready to forgive myself for not being OK with the bald thing. Who really would be anyway!? It was not my choice. I did not do it on purpose, so considering it was out of my hands....I think I can forgive myself for not liking it. (I never said I would not complain)

Thanks to Andrea for freeing me of my insecurities with this stupid head of mine! Thanks to Keri for making my outer appearance match what is on the inside.
The bald woman learned some valuable lessons today that hopefully will be able to be passed on to young women everywhere.

RELAY cominig up Friday

I wrote this the other day after hearing of the loss of another person to cancer. I have calmed down now but am sad that this will keep happening. I will not stop my fight and I will win, but I will now work my a** off to make this disease a thing of the past or at least take some power from it! Relay for Life is next Friday. Gonna walk till the kids start complaining too much and then go back and run in the morning!!! Should be fun and we have raised lots of money!!! There will be a survivor lap and dinner in which I fully plan to attend and walk in. they have music, games, and even a midnight movie! There will be bands and lots of fun stuff to do as we walk and walk the track. Cancer doesn't sleep so why should we!!!

Why

I am angry and sad right now. I am not sure what else I can do except post it here for the world to see. I just heard that cancer has taken another person from this world today. I am sick and tired of hearing stories of people leaving this earth because of a horrible disease. it is not fair, not right, and shouldn't still be happening. I think I am so upset because it makes this disease seem much more real and powerful to me. I have been very lucky that I have been able to fight hard and have almost won this battle. I just feel so out of control right now. It seems as if we are all out of control and those who don't believe that are fooling themselves. My grandfather had lung cancer and for those who knew him...not a big shocker because he smoked for 60 years. There are others who smoke just as much who are spared of this. Then there is breast cancer what a bunch of crap this is families are riddled with this in there genes and they still get a 50/50 shot at picking up the gene. I have no history anywhere, too young, and did all the "things" they say to do to lower your risk and BOOM... here is your cancer. I am just as 50/50 as the next guy. I am so sorry for my friends loss, my grandfather, and another friend who lost her mother a few months ago. I am just sad now that people are having to deal with this too often. I am thankful it is me and not another (this is not the first time I have said this and won't be the last) Cancer is easier to go through than to watch I promise. Well maybe easy is not the word I am looking for but tolerable...I am scared today not about what I am doing at the moment but what I am fighting. I am like an ant battling a person. I am confident that I will win this battle and ninety percent of the time winning is all I see....today however I was just knocked down a notch and shown the power that this stupid disease can have. It will not take me but I am sooooo sorry it took him and the others that I know. My heart hurts for their families and I pray that I can help knock this thing off our planet

Finish line is in sight now

Today is treatment 9 or 12 on this med. I am sprinting away toward the finish line right now. It has been 17 weeks so far in chemo. I am amazed at how far I have come and will be amazed again when this is all said and done. Talked to the doc yesterday about the plan here in a few weeks when I am done. I have to go have a radiation consult next week to see if that is needed. Unless there is a really good reason or it dramatically lessens my reoccurance rate then....sorry fellas I am done! I have allready decided if this came back I want the girls gone! I will rebuild some new and way better ones with the extra weight I carry in my butt and stomach. (That is why its still there....I really wanted it there just in case) :)
When chemo is over I will have a month off (if I don't do the radiation) and then start tamoxifin (an estrogen blocker) it too will have a nice array of menapause like side effects. I will be checked every 3 months for the next two years and once that bill of health continues to be clean...every 4 to 6 months till the good old 5 year mark. Then every year after that...I am guessing forever. I am also going to get a ridiculously expensive genetic test to see if I am a carrier of gene that is linked with certain cancers. The guess is no (because the family history) but if it was yes then my family members can be tested and do preventative measures if they too were positive. I could also do some other things to prevent future reoccurances.
Overall things are looking wonderful 3 more weeks and this too will be a ride I will never forget! I started a book that I am calling A Year of thanks. Each day I write one thing that I am thankful for (never the same thing too) It is worth a try you would be surprised at what just looking one positive thing will do for you. Try it!
Better go sneak a run in before I go this morning...Have a beautiful day.