The Storyteller: Joan Benoit Samuelson

My philosophy on running is, I don't dwell on it, I do it." -Joan Benoit Samuelson

This quote sums it up perfectly!!!!

At the 26.2 with Donna Marathon, I had the privilege to interview a racing legend.  Joan Benoit Samuelson is an amazing inspiration to women's athletics and a role model to many runners all over the world. Do not let her small frame or quiet demeanor fool you. She is fierce, determined, and full of drive.
Joan Benoit Samuelson won Gold at the first Women's Marathon at the 1984 Olympics. She has won the Boston Marathon several times, and has a personal record that matches mine (at the halfway point of a marathon- just kidding I can get halfway a little faster than her 2:21 PR but its close).

She is fast yes indeed, but when I sat down to chat about the greatness of her accomplishments I was surprised at the humble laid back tone she had. I asked the typical questions of how do you train on your runs, what do you eat during your run, and how many miles a week do you run? There was a calm sense about her that comes from many many miles of thinking I believe. She is so intuned to her body and her soul that most of the answers to my 'running' questions were, "I run how I feel that day". It was remarkable to look at the greatest female runner of all time and just see such intuitiveness to her self. I am not sure what I was expecting, but it was wonderful to not hear a magic formula for being faster. She is from Maine and my fellow ambassador friend, Elisabeth, was from the next town over from Joan's hometown in Maine. She remembers as a kid seeing Joan run through town.

One thing I learned about Joan, that we have in common, was she LOVES a story! She and I both agree that storytelling is a lost art. She has many of them from running with her brothers in her childhood to a broken bone that ended her downhill ski racing dreams. The story does not end there though, the ski racing may have ended but the door then opened for her running adventure. I love the way that each door that may close in a persons life can open another that leads us to something even better than we could have dreamed possible.

Joan has run all over the world decked out in Nike gear. She runs in Pegs my second favorite Nike shoe! (I love my Structures). Some of her proudest moments were when she was in Tacoma, WA, near where I live for the Olympic time trials. She was also able to run the Boston Marathon with her daughter 30 years after winning it. She also voiced her desire to tell the "story" of the 50 year old that ran a sub-2:50 marathon and DID! Then, there was running the NYC marathon that came 25 years after her Olympic win so that story needed to be told too. I believe it is how she stays so inspired to run all these years. When it is attached to an emotion, a memory, or it is given some extra significance it make the experience and passion that much greater. I think this is my favorite quality that Joan possesses. Sure, I love any runner with the mental and physical strength to do what she has done in life, but I think at the end of the day she will have a collection of meaningful memories and experiences to go along with some beautiful shiny medals.

My lessons learned from Joan

1. LISTEN to your body!
   It is the only one you get so be in-tune with it. Know when you can push and when you need to rest. Your body knows what to do so take care of it.

2. Be HUMBLE! You don't have to be fast to be amazing. Runners are all the same at heart. Some are  just blessed with quicker feet than others, but the reality is we all KNOW something in our souls that others who do not run may not know. We know how to motivate ourselves in a way that many can't understand. We go out in rain, snow, hot, and cold to hit the streets mentally solving all of the worlds problems. I believe what that does is then creates this internal confidence and drive that people then translate to everyday life. Crazy...no way just amazing!

3. NIKE really is the best brand on the planet. :)  Seriously, I love them and so does Joan so that must mean something!!

4. OBSTACLES make us that much stronger. No matter what door closes in front of you there will always be another one that will lead to something amazing!! I look at all the "greats" in life. They have all overcome some struggle. If you have not overcome something then you can't learn from it, pick yourself up, and go back and try again. The more of these amazing greats that I meet, the more I find they all have this quality in common.

3. Life is a collection of STORIES! Tell them! Don't let the stories from your past get stuck there. We are such a tech based world these days and this art of telling that story is becoming a lost art. Talk, write, and share the great adventures of your life.

Here is another one of my favorite quotes I found from Joan:

"Years ago, women sat in kitchens drinking coffee and discussing life. Today, they cover the same topics while they run." -Joan Benoit Samuelson



***Joan has no idea, but I feel meeting her is one of the reasons I went to Florida.  Before I left for the race I was unsure as to why I felt such a strong desire to go on this trip. I really didn't have the extra income to trek across the country at the time, but I felt pulled to go. It was the same way I felt pulled to go to the race in Athens, Greece. At the time I had no idea why, but now I see exactly how the trip fit in perfectly to the little plan and path ahead of me. This trip will be one of those moments in my mind that a year from now I will say, "none of this would have happened if I had not went to 26.2 with Donna weekend"! I can't tell you much more yet because these ideas are still rolling around, but I promise it is BIG and having this conversation with Joan sparked the new adventure. For that I am grateful to her and her amazingly fast legs!

Donna 26.2 Part 2

As I told you before, this weekend was a mix of many emotions. I loved feeling each and every one of them. It makes me human.

Day 3:The 5K
Your Pace or Mine. That was the phrase I heard for miles. My friend and fellow ambassador Elisabeth is a crafty genius. She created a giant candy heart costume to run in and was the highlight of the 5K. She had so many come up and ask to take pictures with her and brought so many smiles. Ambassador Krissy, the crazy pink swimsuit shark girl, also joined us on our run.  There was a sea of pink and a wonderful costume contest filled with great costumes from a little sushi boy to the 1st place winner "hands free self breast exam" (somehow I don't have a pic of her sorry). Elisabeth and her candy heart got 2nd place in the contest!

We had a wonderful fun filled 3.1 miles. There was the warm up led by  ex- Jacksonville Jaguar David Garrard and his trainers. The warm up was great but watching a giant heart try to attempt squats was hilarious. The race was great and my favorite part was running along the river area on the trail they had. I could see myself running here everyday. I am serious. I fell in love with the community of Jacksonville this weekend and the beautiful city and coastline they see each day only magnify this need to live there. We will see one day... :)
The pink was outta control and I loved it. It was awesome to see so many survivor bibs and hear about so many running a 5K for the first time. As soon as I crossed the finish line, I was grabbed by a reporter and interviewed for the news. It was great to share my love for the rallying of this community and my passion for ending cancer with the Florida news. Plus you know me, any reason to be on tv :)
You may wonder why I have a shirt on that says Chemo Princess. This shirt was given to me on one of MY chemo sessions and I wore it on one of my last chemo appointments with a Joe Dirt mullet wig just to make the Cancer Center gals here laugh and my mother so embarrassed. I did have to get my costume in a 50 lb suitcase so its definitely not as crazy cool, but for me it was like a big middle finger to the chemo chair I sat in only 5 years ago!!

Day 3 evening: Mayo Dinner
WOW....I left this dinner in tears. They were tears of joy, hope, and pride. I was so thankful to be a part of this trip but after this dinner I was thankful to be a part of CHANGING HISTORY!!! The Mayo Clinic is changing the face of cancer and changing history because of THIS RACE and a gal with a vision (Donna Deegan). We were fortunate enough to tour the lab where the research is being conducted and genes are being manipulated to create vaccines. There is a vaccine headed to trial to help with one of the most difficult types of cancers, triple negative breast cancer. I am in awe of how THIS race started THIS research off only 8 years ago. They are like NO other lab in the country because they work DIRECTLY with their patients and doctors across the street.
The Mayo Clinic is changing the game over the last few years and this will only spread the change into all other types of cancers and treatments. It really is mind blowing!!
You know I have to talk food too....yum yum yum! The food was all scientifically created with our big race in mind the next morning. It was delicious and the carb load needed to fuel up for the big day.

The research was amazing and hearing about the advancements that have been made but Michelle stole the show at the end of the night. Michelle is a cancer survivor and recipient of the Donna Foundation funds. The Donna Foundation donates to the Mayo for research, but the also help local women that are battling with various financial needs. This is so important for these women. They are battling cancer and the last thing they should be worrying about is trying to work more so they can pay bills. Michelle came up and told us a story of how she found out she had cancer. She was scheduled for a surgery Monday and received a heart breaking phone call on the Friday prior to surgery. They informed her that yes indeed she had cancer and needed the tumor removed in surgery, but they would NOT do the surgery unless her financial portion was covered prior to the surgery. Now imagine hearing you have a life threatening disease but then hearing they are going to leave it in you unless you come up with  a large amount of money....unbelievable!! The story does not end here though because even in our darkest of moments there is ALWAYS that glimmer of hope. Michelle's glimmer of hope was the Donna Foundation. This was her Hail Mary pass to the end zone right here. She called the Donna Foundation on FRIDAY evening. Just as fate would have it the director was still there and to Michelle's delight answered the phone. She explained her story over the phone and heard a reassuring voice tell her not to worry. By MONDAY morning the Donna Foundation had helped Michelle get the surgery she needed and some other life expenses taken care of. There was not a dry eye in the house. It was not so much Michelle's amazing story of 'hope in the final hour' type of story that she had that made me cry. Michelle had and still has the most amazing attitude on life. I know from first hand experience that your attitude predicts your future happiness/success. I was so grateful afterwards to stick around and chat briefly with this amazing individual.

I will definitely be getting in touch with Michelle and sharing her live story on my future project....the How to find and create Happiness in your life PODCAST that I am working on......oops did I just reveal a HUGE secret to those of you reading this. :) Why yes I did but hey that's the pirk of you reading my blog...breaking news here first!!

At the close of Day 3 I am tired but thankful to God for this opportunity to be involved in this weekend and I have thanked him several times too!  I can now with 100% certainty say that I MADE A DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD OF CANCER!
 I am proud to be in this group and am beginning at this point to understand the "WHY" of the reason



I was picked for this race. It doesn't fully make sense until the end of the trip..................................... so stay tuned for Part 3 for the BIG RACE RECAP!!!! Coming soon

Donna Race Video

Donna Race Video

Off to the Donna 26.2 Part 1

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

Carl Sagan 

What a trip! Six months ago I knew life would change on this week in Florida. It sure did and I can't wait to see what new adventures are in store for me now. This trip was one of those moments that a year from now I will look back and say "This only happened because I went to the Donna 26.2 Marathon".

Let me back up a bit....

Here is me, well me about 5 years ago now. I found out at the young age of 30 that I had Stage 2B Breast Cancer. I fought hard and won the battle. Oh what a battle it was...just go back to the posts from 2010 to check out that journey. After I beat cancer I decided to make a Bucket List. Run a marathon was on the top of the list. I googled it and randomly picked a plan. I trained for months by myself and finally in October 2012 went to my first race. (Now all of these stories are here on the blog if you are interested in more of the story) I was waiting patiently in the corner of the room at the expo to shake the hand of a former Olympian and race legend, Jeff Galloway. As I stood waiting I saw on the table a sign up to "Win a Trip to run the Original Marathon course in Athens, Greece". I thought, "why not" and signed up never to think of this again. About 8 months or so later I get a phone call from Mr. Galloway's office and I WON! Yeah I know who wins out of millions of people a trip to Greece! Well I DID! That trip also is highlighted in the blog if you would like to check it out.

On  my trip to Greece I met Jeff Galloway's right hand man, Chris Twiggs. We chatted at length one day and he said I needed to come to Florida and run the Donna 26.2 Marathon to help battle breast cancer. I said I would add to my bucket list and headed back to the states.

When I returned I looked it up on facebook and clicked like only thinking that one day I would head out and try this race. 

Little did I know that a few months later there would be a post to become a Donna Ambassador. I applied and thought again, "why not" they may pick me....and sure enough THEY DID!

Here I am processing this week that I just spent in Jacksonville, Florida and I am filled with every emotion that one can have. I always say the best part of being human and happy is feeling them all. 

Day 1: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles 

Travel travel and more travel. When you go across the country you spend the whole day on planes and in cars. Lucky for me one of my amazing new ambassador friends, Katie, was passing by the airport and was kind enough to pick me up and take me to my hotel where I then crashed for the day! Before the crash we got to chat and I immediately got the sense of pride that I was allowed to be on this team of amazing people.

Day 2: Shakeout Run and Expo

This was my first opportunity to meet many of the other Ambassadors. I was not staying down on the beach (but I will next year!!) so my roommate and fellow ambassador, Shannon came by on her way to town to get me at the hotel. It was really hard for me to be so dependent on others for rides and to get me to the events. I was hoping the hotel would have had a shuttle, a bus system that made sense, or some other way of getting around. It was a challenge for sure, but the other ambassadors were amazing when it came to helping this gal that was a long way from home feel comfortable. Now the hotel is a whole other blog post lol and some of you have heard the drama with the hotel room. It was minor in comparison to the great things that were happening on this trip!  I was off to the beach to run the shake out bright and early.  I was so excited to have a nice 3 mile run through the cute beachy neighborhood on this breezy morning. The weather could not have been more perfect with the cool start and tank top finish.  The run was a small but amazing group of runners. It included Women's Gold Medalist in the Marathon Joan Benoit Samuelson, the Boston Marathon Race director Dave McGillivray, Olympian Jeff Galloway, race founder Donna Deegan, our 2015 Ambassador crew and many more amazing people. This run allowed me to chat and meet my now great new friends. I also was finally able to thank in person Mr. Jeff Galloway for his gracious gift of my Greece trip, the trip that changed my life!

The expo was huge, filled with PINK, many sponsors handing out some great must have items. I love my new little shoe wallet and my pink shaker cup! I am still in awe how a community as large as Jacksonville comes together to make this happen. They work together to make this race amazing and the spirit behind the race is unmatched from what I have seen so far. At my packet pick up I went into a whole separate area to easily get my bibs for the 5K and the Marathon. At the expo I was privileged enough to sign one of the 6 large sized boards that would later be placed on the beach during the half and full marathon section that ran the coastline. They read LOVE, COURAGE, FAITH, FINISH, STRENGTH, and HOPE. I signed the LOVE one with a message to all my friends, "For all my friends that have battled: Love to you all-Holly Boyce, 5 year survivor!"

I was also able to interview 2 amazing individuals. I interviewed Donna Deegan the founder of the race and the Donna Foundation. (more on the interview coming)  I also interviewed Joan Benoit Samuelson the amazing Olympic Gold Medalist! (more on this interview coming too). These women are inspiring, dedicated, and driven beyond the ability of most. It was a privilege to be in their company and to ask them the hows of how they got to where they are. I left each of these interviews feeling inspired to achieve my dreams and like anything was possible with hard work and perseverance. All of the 'greats' have struggled and they used their struggle to become amazing. It felt like a dream to be able to be a part of these events and the big race hadn't even come yet!

VIP cocktail party was wonderful with great food and drinks. It was a wonderful opportunity to meet my fellow ambassadors and get to know them all a little better. I even met an awesome ambassador from my home state of Missouri. Reist and Andrea not only are from Missouri but they even know people in my tiny hometown too! Who knew you could travel across the country to meet up with people you have never met and have such connections. I spent a lot of time reliving my Missouri life and times with this great couple and hearing 'why' they run the race each year. 

Some amazing moments and it is only the close of day 2! 

CLARITY

I am in a boat. I'm scrubbing the floors and really unhappy. I look around and see that I am the only one here. I am wondering if I can leave but for some reason I feel I have to stay. I stay there unhappy, miserable, tired, and taking little breaks to stare out of the interior windows and dream of what life could be. As people come back inside the cabin of this boat I make a choice that would change my life. I decide its time to leave the boat. I don't know exactly where I am going but I feel in my heart it will be better.
I am in this wonderful place now surrounded by wonderful people that are happy and having fun. There is laughter, there is playing, and there is endless chatter. Nobody has really noticed or acknowledged  I am here at this point but I am happily on the outskirts of this amazing group of people just observing and becoming happier as I watch them happily go through their day. Then someone does notice I am in the room and heads over. Words are said and my heart breaks. I am not supposed to be here. This is not my place. I am not good enough to be here and words that hurt my heart more than I can share. I believe them and decide that its time for me to leave this happy place because I don't deserve to be here. I am only a floor scrubber and that is who I belong with.
I head down the road. It's an old dirt road with literally nothing on either side. Looking up ahead you can see nothing on the horizon. You can see nothing on either side. Head is hung low and I just keep walking and walking and walking some more. At this point I know the boat will be there and even if I was unhappy there I know I still can go back to the boat.
This time on the boat however we are at sea. I am back on the comforts of my miserable boat but it is suddenly caught in the middle of the worst storm with raging waves crashing into the sides of the boat. We are being pushed around, jumbled up, and all on the boat are scared. My husband is there now he is trying to hold on to me and comfort me. My sister is yelling at me but I can't here because of all the noise. I think they are both telling me "Get Out" but I really can't tell so I hold on in the comforts of my misery. The big huge wave is coming now. I look out the window and see it forming.  It is ready to crash over this boat at any second..........................I breathe out a huge breath of panic and my eyes open. Oh my goodness thank God this is just a dream!


This is how I woke up several weeks ago. I literally could not shake this dream. Now I have dreams all the time but this one just kept lingering. I could not figure out what it meant if anything.
I have had a rocky path in life. It didn't start that way but in high school I found myself in a relationship that was unhealthy in every sense of the word.  At 17 years old, still a child, I was told by a boyfriend who was supposed to love me some of the meanest things you could say to a person. For 7 years I listened to these words not thinking they were effecting me at all. I changed. I changed so much in fact I woke up one day after 7 years or so and realized that all that was left was a shell of myself. This story in itself would take me hours or days to tell you about and that truly is not what this post is about. I just feel its time to stop hiding behind this story and share.It also relates to the real story I will tell you in this post. This is the story......

I am in a personal development group for my business. I am trying to learn how to be more organized with my time and maximize my potential in a day. I am learning how small little steps can take me to huge changes later if I keep at it and stay focused on my goals. I am learning how to make goals and achieve them. I am just LEARNING again and it feels amazing!
In this fab group I am in we have assignments for reading, watching some videos, and a question about ourselves to answer. I am doing the assignments faithfully  and really seeing amzing things happen in my personal self that will ideally be reflected later in my business self.

This was my assignment:
http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/6-steps-to-eliminate-limited-beliefs/
Read the article on beliefs and post the unsupportive beliefs that you have been hanging onto....ok done, well not quite! I was reading this article and all of a sudden like a ton of bricks to the face, bolt of lightning, and a massive flood light turned on all at the same time. In reading this article I realized that for the last 12 years I have been holding on to some beliefs that were NOT true. I wrote down the things that my head tells me and the things that hold me back from my job etc. as I did this flood gates opened. I went back and re-read them as I was told to and then was told to think of one of the first times I could remember hearing these types of statements. Then boom brick to the face, knife in the heart it hit me. I was 17 years old again and being told that I was ugly, fat, not good enough at anything I did, and that I certainly wasn't smart enough to be in college.
This is the guy that one day would say how he loved me more than his own life and in the next moment said all of these types of things along with many years worth of other horrible things. Over 12 years ago I let this go. It took a while after we had parted ways to be able to get to that point but I forgave, released my anger/sadness and other emotions and have honestly been wonderful ever since. Moving on and allowing that relationship to not define me was a huge stepping stone in my life and when everything started to go well for me. I have not thought of this time of life in many many years, like 12 really, but all of a sudden I was right there all over. I felt the same in that moment as I did when I was 17 years old.
I had NO idea that even though I had forgave him and moved on with life that I never actually acknowledged or even realized honestly the beliefs that were changed about myself during that period of time. My whole life over the last 12 years began to make absolute sense. My choices, my fears, my self talk, and it was as if I woke up at the moment just as I had from that dream.  This time instead of being scared and weak I woke up to the biggest gift I could have been given....CLARITY!
I feel that this was a gift from God and that this was going to be a game changer. I just didn't realize how much till now!
Anyway, so I am feeling like this is the greatest day ever. Just knowing all of this has been a game changer and I am so happy to live different now! I am laughing at this point because I am just so FREE!! Well, unfortunately, the laughs did not last long and they quickly turned to tears.
I head into the shower at this point and when I got out literally out of nowhere I feel a pain in my left shoulder below my neck. As I am getting dressed I feel it worse and worse so bad I can not even bend down anymore. I head in to my room thinking I must have a spot in my back out and manage to get to the floor so I can lay flat and then try to roll it out. Then it paralyzed me for a moment. I could not move, I could not turn any direction, and I had to hold my head to keep it from feeling as if it would fall off my body. Then the pain went down my back and in my jaw and I began to panic. "Am I having a stroke?  Am I going to die? Do I have cancer again?"
 Thank god my husband was home to help me and calm me. I laid on a heating pad trying to relax it a bit. I actually at this point said a prayer..."Please don't let this be it for me. No way. I am not done. I just figured this out. I want to help people with this. No way I am not going (I am pretty sure this is not up to me lol but I did add it just in case)". Shortly after laying flat trying to relax myself I was able to sit up and take some meds. The jaw pain and low spine pain had subsided but my neck/shoulder was a mess. I went to chiropractor the next night and it felt great to get it back in line. He had mentioned that he had NEVER seen me this bad. I honestly had NEVER felt this way. Now I exercise for a living so I frequent the chiro quite a bit but NEVER like this. After he adjusted me it took 2 weeks for me to finally not feel pain all day in the spot. Each day felt a little better.
Now my thoughts are this....If your physical symptoms can improve with a good attitude then they can certainly worsen with negative energy/outlook. I am pretty certain to this day that for 12 years I stored some deep rooted emotions and beliefs about myself that were NOT TRUE and for 12 years when I got out of my comfort zone that voice would come in. After coming to the realization it was even there I know I will never let myself talk that way again and that stress ball that had been there so long came out in massive pain. It really tried to hang on to me even after I realized it was there though. Now, if you are religious think of the devil on your shoulder telling you all the things that are not true all of a sudden being told he is not allowed to hang out there anymore...he was pissed and hanging on for dear life. That is exactly what it felt like!!
I am thankful to report I am feeling great and working everyday to build habits that support me being kind to myself and knowing that I can truly take on anything.

What a story huh....I just felt the need to share that with ya today! If I help even one person with this I will consider it a HUGE success. If you want to talk more on emotional abuse and what that looks like please private message me or email me. Help is there if you are ready to take it!

Have a flipin fantastic day peeps!!! I love you all and appreciate those of you who read the crazy thoughts of this cancer rockstar!
Remember YOU HAVE NO LIMITS!

Struggles turned to Strength

Wow what an amazing adventure this life has been. Yesterday marked the anniversary of  a day in my life that time literally stood still. From that moment on I knew NOTHING would ever be the same. It was a moment like all defining moments that looking back now was just the beginning of something great.....

This is from my first blog post 5 years ago......

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The day time stood still

As most of you know on Dec. 22, 2009 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was a shock to everyone including myself. It was definitely a day that will stand out for me among some others. I look at it more as a chapter change not an ending. As all great books have many chapters with ups and downs, so do I in the story of my life. There has been great good, bad, and ugly times. Nobody ever says that life is going to be an easy ride so we just have to sit back and enjoy what we see!

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I read this, knowing that only a month prior to me writing it, I heard the 3 devastating words that nobody wants to hear....YOU HAVE CANCER. So much has happened in this 5 years that this post couldn't even begin to capture my feelings on this time. Head back through the blog and you can follow the whole journey.

Today, 5 years later, I look at my life through different eyes. I see people differently. I have less desire for things and stuff (well except for my amazing new watch I got yesterday!! lol) I have an appreciation for nature that was not there before. I see amazing sunrises and sunsets, and yes it is beautiful, but to me its a reminder that I am still alive. I am here. I got to stay here on earth so I better not waste that gift! 

The last 5 years has not been easy for me. Most would think, 'Oh you are cancer free...life is good'. While that is true, there was a long period of time after I was "cancer free" that I had to deal with what had just happened. I dealt with cancer after effects, then right after I quit my job to be a stay at home mom my husband lost his job, then an almost 2 year unemployment, my home was almost taken away from me twice, I lived second to second and was in complete survival mode, and then the worst of the worst of this five year stretch the 6 funerals in 6 months that I attended (including both of my sweet grandmothers). I am not pretending that I handled everything wonderfully, none of us would we are human, but at the end of each day I forced myself to find the good in each day and write it down. I started the practice with my family too, and it made so much impact that I can't even begin to tell you. Try it for a month or two each night to find some good in the day. You will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!

This five years has taken so much from me but I CHOOSE to look at life different. I choose to see what I have taken from it not what its taken from me. I have taken knowledge, appreciation, realization, true meaning of faith in something bigger than you can see, and love that is indescribable.  I choose to live...I will make the most of my time that I am allowed here and hopefully make an impact on the world around me. That is really all I ever wanted anyway. 

Thank you to those who read these things, to my sweet friends who never stop showing me how amazing they are, and thank you to my amazing family for never letting me forget what it means to live. 

Finally, thank you to the horrible crap disease that tried to take me from my life. You have been my greatest challenge and my greatest teacher.

Time

Time is one of those things we want to speed up, slow down, stop, hurry, or go away completely. It is a measure I guess of how we feel at the moment we are in. It's a beautiful mess that we will never understand. We try to make it scientific and measure it, but we know that time is really a feeling. It is a feeling of happiness in a moment, sadness, fear, hurt, anger, and any other emotion we have. It goes along with the feelings we have.

What would you do if today you were told your time was almost over here on earth? What if somehow you knew that your time was winding down? Would you do anything different those last days here? would you call up that long lost friend? Would you be a little less stressed when someone cuts you off on the road? Would you talk nice? Hug longer? Change careers?  Forgive someone?  Travel the world? Sit at home with the ones you love? Anything....?

I am saddened over the last few days of some lives cut short. Young lives, not that it makes it any easier if you are not young, but not what we expect to deal with in our younger years? I think of these things all the time unfortunately because the reality of cancer was all too close, but these things usually come up when we have lost or seen loss around us. Children should not have to lose their parent but sadly it happens every single day. We spend so much of our lives in a go go go constant motion kind of way that we forget to breathe. Breath....how lucky we are just to have it really! When is the last time you were thankful for your breath? For some, maybe everyday, but for others that thought never enters your mind. My point today in this post is nothing more than a reminder. We are here we are alive BUT you have no idea when you time clock is up. Why wait till you are told (if you are even told) to do the things you know need to be done!?

I have no regrets from my life and truly believe that each bump in the road has given me way more than the scars it has left behind. I urge you today to take that 1 thing, that one thing that has been nagging you everyday, and do it. Make the change in your life. Make this life count! You only get one shot, for an undetermined amount of time, and it is you JOB to DO something with it! That  is why we are here. I doesn't matter how much you have it is what you do with what you DO have that is the measure of you! (Ironically enough this was the previous Sunday's topic at church.)

I feel that life is a series of UP an DOWN moments and the reactions we give to those moments. If you want a happy life, a meaningful life, a life of purpose....well go make it that way. Its your JOB to do something to make an impact around you. These people who have passed on made a mark on many that they knew and didn't know. It's your turn to do the same.
Make a difference. Make it Count. Make this world better than you found it. Instead of complaining of all the sadness, the evil, and the fear in the world be what you want to see. You will be amazed at how your world around you begins to change. We attract what we put out there. Put out positive and be positive and those are the people who will flock to you.
IT STARTS WITH YOU!

Sparks

 I can't believe the difference a year has made. I went from storms and the most challenging moments of my life so far to this pure happy and peace I feel today!
Last year at this time....I was sad. I was penniless. I almost lost everything I owned (well not owned for 30 years obviously lol). I worked constantly. I was grieving the many losses I had suffered. I delt with my own fears of my own fate/mortality. I had no idea what was coming next. I was just stuck for a while. I felt that I was in quicksand. Thanks to great friends, family, and cheerleaders that refused to leave me when I decided to sit a while, I finally got up. I stopped for a bit but from the shell of a person I had become I found something within. A spark of light that never left me.
I have always believed in the power of prayer and had great faith in God but was always held back by something. I wanted to know the future. I was trying so hard to predict the future and grieving the past that I lost the present! I had to learn that it was not about MY plans. I have been through many trials in this 35 years of life but I had never been tried and tried and tried again to the point where I finally broke. I broke. The girl who had to hold the world together around her for everyone else for so many years broke. What an insane out of control spiral of events.
There I was lying on the floor feeling as if I had been in battle. It was me, one person, against an entire army of people trying to bring me down. As I lay there on my final blow, broken and tired, I saw a spark. That spark came in the darkest hour and began to grow. I realized I was not alone. I never really was. I was surrounded by sparks and needed to find a way to bring them all together to get back up again. I broke that day, but I broke the desire to control everything that happens. I broke the desire to predict the future. I broke the desire to live in the past. I BROKE only to be built back up to an even stronger individual with knowledge and wisdom that many have not yet seen.
What a gift. I am back up on my feet but changed and different.

It amazes me how this has happened to me more than once in life and I am only 35 years old! It only takes one spark to start a fire. In our darkest moments that we may be having there is always a spark within you that can help you back up again. Know that all you need to do is stop and quit fighting so hard! It is there. It is what makes us human. It is what drives in our decisions. It is the one thing that NOBODY and NOTHING can take from you. It just sometimes takes a while to realize it is there, but once you do....watch out! One spark that begins to connect with other sparks begins to make BIG things happen!

Just stand up friends! All of the sparks are here ready to help you ignite your dreams!

Sailing into the sunset

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore"

Wow these words can't be ringing more true. I discovered something today....I am not as adventurous as I once thought I was. I take risks here and there BUT the difference is the risks that I take. I take calculated risks, you know the ones that really can't even be considered much of risk because I have thought out so much what will happen after this "risk".
There are many out there who are great risk takers.  I have heard one common theme from all of the people who have changed the world, done something amazing, and made an impact on those around them. They take the risk that it takes to get there.  They make the CHOICE to go when its dark and unknown. They ignore the voices in their head  and possibly the people that tell them to stay safe, that you will never make it, and that you are only going to mess things up again. I am not sure if it is literally that few seconds of courage you need when making the big choice or if it's an instinctive ability to ignore all you know and leave the box. Is the wonder that some people posses that nags at their brain daily (like an itch you can't scratch) to try this new thing?? Maybe it's all of these things.

I look at us as if we are all on an island. We are all here and we all know this place is great. Just as anywhere else it has its ups and downs but we are getting by just fine. There is no real reason to do anything else. We have everything we need right here. Then one day you have a thought cross your mind if there is something else out there. Nobody knows and everyone says why bother because you are OK here. You think to yourself,  'yeah you are right' and push the thought to the bottom of the list of things....for now.
Then few weeks later, here it is again. For months and months the thought comes in your mind and it gets harder each time to push it out. The wonder, the possibilities, the thought of the unknown, and the belief in something better that you can't see is out there continue to fill your mind until one day you decide that you don't even want to be on this island anymore. You now will do whatever it takes to go and see what lies past the shores and just out of your sights. When you tell the others most do not understand for they have not spent their last months contemplating all of the possibilities out there. They warn you of the dangers and remind you of the unknown that you will soon be facing. For many, this is the point in which the thought is pushed down again and you decide they are probably right and it is safer here in the place you know.
Maybe a few more attempts and still nothing will happen and then you will spend the rest of your life fine. There was nothing wrong here remember, but you will never know what may have happened if you only had the courage to try. This will nag at you forever. Then, there is the one day when you are able to possess a few moments of strength and courage and you take that moment and get your boat. You head out into the direction of your dream. You don't tell many this time for fear that they will only want you stay. They don't want to harm you but they just don't get it yet. We are never all in this place of sailing away at the same time. We are all on our own journeys but just coexisting next to each other on this island. So there you are looking back at the island that you knew and loved for all this time. You are thankful for its lessons and for your time there but you know with certainty now that out there in the other direction, the one you can't see, there IS something. Its waiting for you to go and see it. The mere thought of this is enough to almost make you turn around. As you get further away from the shore and the island begins to shrink behind you thoughts fill your mind. The words of your loved ones telling you that this is crazy, the doubt begins to fill your brain, and the unknown quickly turns on you like a scary monster in the dark. You question it and now begin to FEAR the one thing that has filled every waking moment of your thoughts for months. It now begins to grow dark, so dark now that your beautiful vision of what this was going to be is now blanketed with unknown. It is then, and only then, that you get to make your choice....you can go back to what you know and the life you had OR you can continue on in the dark knowing that very shortly the sun will rise and your dreams will soon become your reality.  So you choose...............

Trip of a Lifetime Part 2

So the day finally arrived and I was ready for this adventure. I was nervous, excited, and everything in between.
The flight was long. I am pretty sure we were on airplanes for about 14 hours. We finally arrived in Athens around 1:00 in the afternoon. I was surprised when I landed because my first impression was....it looks like the desert town I live in. I was wrong, that was just around the airport. We waited for a little while at the airport for our tour group to arrive. We had a group and off we went to the buses.
Our hotel was just outside of Athens, and it did not disappoint with the view! We walked in to a tiny European bathroom and small room that had an amazing view! I looked at the sea everyday as I woke up and went to bed. Water calms me and so this was an added bonus.  We made our way the next morning down to the beach for a nice run down the coast line. It was beautiful weather and worth getting up early to go.
We went to the Acropolis....wow! I was really speechless (which is difficult to do). We walked through the ancient ruins and listened to our knowledgeable tour guide share the history of this amazing place. The Acropolis is crazy, it is a 2500 year old ruin surrounded by the 4.5 million ppl that live in Athens. I felt on this day that I was a part of history. In all the history that was shared there was so much fighting and big shocker it was about money and power. Isn't it funny that in 3000 years we have not  changed! I thought about how many storms that building saw, how many wars, how much creativity and worship, and how many difficult times in history that it faced. It is still standing, not all in one pretty little piece but it is there. It is a reminder of the journey that has happened. If only we were all so lucky to leave a little mark on the world. I wondered if they ever even imagined that their work would effect, inspire, and move people all these years later. I left wanting to write, draw, paint, and create something (unfortunately none are my forte but hey I was inspired!).

Then we went to the Temple of Poseidon. It was amazing as well! We got to drive down the coastline which for me is always a treat. It was equally as wonderful to touch the structure that is older than I can imagine. Lord Byron even stopped by many years ago and carved his name into the columns with many other names and old dates. It was beautiful too. The structure is on the top of a point with nothing but the most beautiful sea views I have EVER seen. The water was so clear that you could see rocks on the bottom pretty far out. Again I tried to imagine the people that created this temple and looked out into the most perfect day at sea. It was so calm yet this structure is weathered and tattered. We can only imagine the storms it has seen. Much like us in our own lives, it stands through the good days like this and weathers the  storms that come its way. I felt happy and peaceful upon this rock looking out remembering all the storms that I have faced. I am here too just as this structure. I may not be in perfect condition but I am here. I have stood through the storms and reveled in the beautiful days that have come my way too.  Then we headed down the road to a cute cafe for lunch enjoying this beautiful day and view!

Then there was the whole reason I went on this trip...the marathon!! What an experience in itself that was. First off I believe there were more people at the start line of this race than lived in my little old hometown in Missouri! It was crazy insane for me to see that many people. I was feeling very overwhelmed when I got off the bus at the start line and thank goodness my two new friends stayed with me the whole time!! I also met and took a pic with batman (who came from Mexico to run this race).  I took a picture next the Olympic flame that was lit at the top of some stairs! It was really surreal. They started the race with fireworks, confetti, and warmed up with some Greek folk dancing. It was amazing, and so amazing I was like...do i really want to run now!? LOL The race started and I decided to try out Jeff Galloway's run/walk/run plan so I could take pictures and enjoy this journey. It too did not disappoint. It conserved my energy surprisingly and I felt great the whole race. Now...I say that BUT.....the race was NOT easy! Not even a little. I would say pretty much the first 20 miles were a gradual but rolling UPHILL. Yes I said 20 miles. I am not even kidding. It had breaks that were just enough to trick you into thinking that it would get easier but nope the gradual uphill path did finally make me question my sanity (numerous times)! However, just as I have done in life I pushed through. The entire race was filled with people on the streets (literally the whole race had people outside clapping and yelling bravo). They were awesome and gave out many high fives. There were bands, drums, and dj's playing all types of music that of course I danced to as I ran through. Mile 20 provided the relief I had been looking for and downhill it was from there. My speed picked up and my heart grew happy. Very near the end I started thinking about my life over the last few years and realized that this race was my life! 20 miles of tough uphill work, mile 20 relief  (i win this trip), and then things get a bit easier (still have to work hard, but def easier). I entered the stadium. The stadium that housed the very first Olympics! The stadium that many amazing athletes have been honored in and I crossed the line, looked up and pointed up to the sky, and then thanked those angels that had been with me on my journey and I cried. I have never cried but the hard work it took to get to this finish line (my life at that point) was so overwhelming that I couldn't help it. I was so thankful, happy, and overwhelmed with amazement. Then I hear.... HOLLY....my husband, my best friend in the world, waves to me and it was then that I knew I was going to be ok. Life as I knew it changed. Peace finally was with me. The ghosts and difficulties of the past were gone and I was nothing but happy! We finished off the race with the most amazing soak in the salty Aegean Sea (best part of the day by far)!!

 

 

We spent several more days shopping, eating the wonderful food, and seeing the sights. We even had the last day on an island cruise. It was my favorite place in Greece by far. I am not much of a big city girl liking 4.5 million people, but the islands....oh yes I can do that! They were beautiful beyond words and looked exactly as I had expected.....gorgeous!! We walked around and took 25 pictures of cool doors and architecture. Wonderful trip and made it very difficult to leave. The cruise also had great dancing and music to entertain us on the 3 hour journey home.

 

This really was one of my most memorable moments and I can't believe still that it happened to me. It did though and I thank God daily that I was able to live out a dream and check off my bucket list. I am forever grateful for the friends I made, the sights I saw, and the lessons I learned about myself. I feel different after returning from this trip. I feel that good things are coming my way and just as I did in this race I will keep moving forward to the finish line of this chapter and I will celebrate and move on to the next chapter of my life.

Sorry for the long post but I really could go on forever. If you are ever up for a 400+ slide show of pics you let me know!!

Thank you to all of you out there that cheered us on and supported this journey. I hope you realize that you made a difference in my life! Love and hugs!!!!

 

 

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Trip of a LIfetime Part 1

Well I just returned from Athens, Greece yesterday from the most memorable trip. It feels as if it was a dream and I just woke up to tell you the story, but it was REAL!!! Let me start by giving you a little background if you do not all ready know (if you do know...feel free to skip this part)

If you look back a year ago on this blog I wrote a few posts about checking off bucket list items
First Marathon(Bucket List check off)
checking off the bucket list
I ran my first marathon post cancer to check off some items off a bucket list of things. It was amazing as you can see. Well what didn't get into this post is that I went to the marathon expo. Now really this is not that big of a deal and that is why I did not put it in the post....boy was I wrong!!! I strolled through the expo getting samples of gu, new shirts, trying on the latest and greatest shoes and then I noticed that in the corner was a famous marathoner, Jeff Galloway, and always up to meet an inspirational person I went over to the corner. He was visiting with another expo participant about marathoning and I waited and waited just to say hello. As I waited upon the table there were sign up forms for a FREE TRIP TO RUN THE ATHENS MARATHON. I stood there waiting and remember thinking...Yeah ok that sounds awesome and going to Greece, Wow, soooo I put my name on the paper, literally NEVER to think of it again. I said hello to Jeff and went on my merry way! This was October 2012!!!! (that is me in the middle by the way)

July ish 2013 my phone rings, messages left, and several emails received.....LIFE CHANGED THAT MOMENT!!! Mr Jeff Galloway's office was calling me to inform me that I, little old Holly, had been drawn out of the millions of entries over the last year and HAD WON THE TRIP TO ATHENS TO RUN THE ORIGINAL MARATHON COURSE! After weeks of believing it was a scam I finally realized that this was no scam it was actually coming true! Amazed, blessed, and completely dumbfounded I accepted this opportunity of a  lifetime and was on the road to Athens.
Now let me give you a "quick version" of the back story prior to this trip.....I had cancer (obviously hence the name of the blog).   Then within a two year period life really got difficult. My husband lost his very very good job in a mass layoff of workers 2 weeks after I had quit my job to live a dream and be a stay home mom and run the charity. Then, my dear sweet wonderful grandma passed away and became my first angel. The friends came next. Within a week of this another dear old friend lost her battle with cancer of all things. A few more friends lost their battles months after that to the stupid beast cancer. At this point I was feeling very close to rock bottom of emotions. I felt like I was continually getting kicked in the face as I laid their on the ground crying. Then, then final straw came along. Only 6 months after losing my first grandmother, my last grandparent remaining here on earth and one of my best friends at the time left me as well. My other grandma who I had just had a glass of wine with two days prior left too. I was done. I hit the bottom of the hole. I checked out of life to live in a very sad place for a while. Luckily the sad eventually lifted, but only after a long road of soul searching and running! Running became my ONLY thing that I had control over. There was so much taken that I felt I had nothing left. My never ending faith and my family/friends is the only reason I am through this mess today.
Needless to say winning something, being GIVEN something, just felt like a welcomed change! I was excited and ready for adventure. Then reality tried to kick back in as this was only a trip for 1!!! With some encouragement and support from my great friends I decided to spend the next few months doing ANY odd jobs and asking for help to live this dream. It was a tough road trying to raise the extra money to bring my BEST friend, my husband, but I did it! We got all things in order and prepared for a life changing experience......and it did not disappoint! This trip changed my entire life!!!

Trip of a lifetime to be continued.......

Silence

Silence is something I struggle with. I don't like it. I fill my days as full as possible, can't ever sit still, and purposely put more than enough on my plate so I will never be empty.
I am sure many can relate to this busy moms problems. I never get breaks of silence, but when I do I fill them quickly with something else to avoid it and then become frustrated when I don't have any me time. Humorous isn't it! I am not sure why I do this. I have just been sitting here on a rare occasion with no kids or husband, my workout complete, and working later today. I don't even know what to do. When I sit in silence I think (well I think 24/7 but I think about me I mean). I now sit here in the silence analyzing every decision I have made, friendships gone astray, my struggles seeming to never be ending, my families health, and what have i done with my life. I have been given a gift to be here on this earth. I was given a chance to change things and there are days I feel I don't live up to that high expectation I have placed upon myself. If I am only here one time why don't I do more?? Why can't I just find what it is I am here for?? I often wonder if these are problems of everyone. Maybe?  This kind of silence is brutal and probably why I avoid it.
When I run alone out on a trail I am in silence. The same thoughts race through my mind but there is a release out there on that trail that doesn't happen when i sit here thinking. That must be why this blog is still so important to me. I don't even post all of the things I am thinking.  Can you imagine how long it would be!!? Since cutting way back on my training due to injury and trying not to re-injur myself those great moments have been taken from me.
Silence is hard for me but silence is good for me. It gives me a chance to think of all my inadequacies, my strengths, and my gifts I have been given. When I use the silence to focus on all my things I wish were different I have just wasted the welcomed break in the day. I often think my purpose is to do something huge and grand but maybe just maybe that is not it at all. Maybe I just need to sit in this silence and listen.

 

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I may be in, therin to be content.
-Helen Keller

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For Kellie

Thank you to Danni and Lizzy for writing this amazing song!


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=725482594135015&l=2510060511766981008


RIP tribute to my beautiful friend Kellie

365 days

Dearest Nanny,
It's been 365 days and I feel the same. Its like I have hit the replay button and can't shut it off. That was the worst day of my life you know. It was the day when my heart shattered and my life would never again be the same. It is a day burned in my mind that left a massive scar that although now closed will forever be with me.
367 days ago I hugged you for the last time. That is the day I wish was replaying in mind. I often think of what words I would have said if I knew somehow that our time was coming to an end. Would I have hugged you longer, refused to let you leave, would I have said I love you more, or would I have taken 150 pictures to remember....maybe? It's not the words unsaid though...its the kick me when I was already down kind of unexpected blow that hurts the most.
There are many people that say with time this will get easier. They are wrong you know. It doesn't get easier but at some point you have no choice but to live your life. That is probably where I am today. I live my life, but constantly think that I need to pick up the phone and have you over for dinner, tell you a great story, or share news with you. I think of you almost every day still. I still cry. Is this normal??....365 days has done nothing. I am functional now but no happier.  I have to drive by that stupid apartment each and every day. Most days I don't even look but occasionally I just burst into tears. Then know how mad you would be if you knew I was crying. You'd tell me..."oh love stop it right now. don't cry about bleatin old me."  That makes me laugh for a moment. It hurts though. I know you are happy and on a small level it comforts me but I can't help but feel cheated. why couldn't I have had a little more time? How selfish huh. I know I know.
I think the problem really is that I truly realize that NOTHING is forever and NOTHING is a guarantee in this life. I knew this when my own life was threatened. I knew this when an amazing job was ripped out from under us. I really learned this when one day I was hugging you and telling you how much I loved you coming over for your mouthfuls of wine and then two days later I am staring at a shell that was once so full of life.
I know you are dancing everyday with your true love and I want to thank you for the amazing example of how love truly conquers all obstacles. Better or worse, sickness and health, richer and poorer. You were a prime example of what I aspire to be.
Well I will be sitting here today drinking my wine toasting to you and will make a nice batch of sausage rolls because that is all I have left... that and the memories. Please put in a word to the big guy that I may need some extra hand holding today. Its going to be a tough one but I will put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward....or I may stop a while and just think about how one day we will meet again. Until then I will try to be thankful for the 33 wonderful years I was able to have you in my life.
I love you and I miss you EVERY single day! Cheers to you all up there dancing away!
It's been 367 days since I hugged you so today I will try and hold that memory a little longer.

I am missing you today .......for my nanny :(
I wrote this last year





They ask me how I am doing and I smile and just say fine
I don't have the words to say what's really on my mind

My heart just feels so broken and shattered there on the floor
I can't see how it will be the same it's so different than before

Flashbacks of the good times are haunting me day and night
I wish to God I could turn back time and make this all alright

I hide my pain behind a smile and pretend so they can't see
they all think I am a rock but I am just as weak as weak can be

My days consist of sadness and pain beyond compare
I go to the phone to call you and forget that your not there

I begged and pleaded and prayed today that it was only just a dream
but woke up today without you here and I can't help feel its just so mean

I am alone in a room but surrounded by all those who care
but their words just don't change the way I feel so I just sit and stare

They say that time will heal all wounds and this pain will soon subside
but they don't know what I see, each time I close my eyes

I know your up there dancing and happy with your love
but please look down from time to time with love from up above

I will keep moving forward but today its just too hard to do
so I will stop and sit awhile and think of the good times I had with you

3 Little words

When you hear the 3 words, 'You have cancer', it truly is a whirlwind of emotions. I often talk about the after effects of these 3 words. It amazes me still the power that these words have over us. They stop us cold in our tracks, they tear apart families, and they strike fear in most who hear them. The reactions vary from sympathy, pity, fear, even complete chaos.
When the person hearing those words makes the CHOICE to have faith, well...that is when things start happening. It is easy for us all to say we have faith but when you are hitting the point of wanting to give up... what would you do? Many will give up, many WILL fight, and many WILL have faith in something bigger than themselves. It is YOUR CHOICE!
My faith has taken me through some of the darkest times in my life. I have been tested over and over again my resolve to be positive no matter what and to have faith in God's plan. I  have not always been successful in the tests but one thing that never changes i get up and try again each time. Many of us struggle each day with the challenges in our lives and we tend to only focus on those challenges that we have. It is like we are in a tunnel of pure darkness. In my last marathon this actually happened and it really is a great analogy of life. I went in the dark tunnel with nothing but my tiny light on my head. If I stayed with others like me, that had the same plan, there was more light. We together were able to shine more light. Then just as you thought...'this is scary in here and how long do i need to do this' there it was a dot of light. As we continued down our difficult path of rocks that could make us fall, darkness, water dripping, and cold temperatures we see this light. It grew and grew. We pushed and pushed and then finally there it was light. We run out of the tunnel to the most beautiful WA scenery. For the next 23 miles I was thankful for the beauty but thankful for this lesson. Never lose hope, never stop moving forward, surround yourself with people that have inner light, and never give up on yourself! You are capable of WAY more than you give yourselves credit for.
All this being said today is the day. Anxiety, fear, and stress all hitting me like a truck. It is the dreaded 4mo check up!!! I have almost made it 3 years free of cancer but this day makes me feel as if I am hearing the 3 words all over again. Last time I felt no different after I heard the words than before I heard them (well physically that is). Each time I go in feeling as if I am going to fail an exam. Here is the thing, the 3 words change your life when you hear them, but they are scarred in your mind for the rest of your life too! I have many scars from this journey I have traveled and each remind me daily of the amazing things I have accomplished. Yes, I still have anxiety, but bottom line the 3 words have already been spoken, so there is nothing left to fear. I will live to help others, I will live to make a difference, and... I WILL JUST LIVE. I will not go through life being afraid to try something. I will live each day the same as the day I heard the 3 words for the first time. It does not change just because the 2nd word is different. YOU HAVE CANCER or YOU HAD CANCER....live no different. Just don't forget to enjoy the beauty that surrounds you EVERYDAY! Be thankful each day for something :)

Now...wish me luck that that pesky 2nd word stays at HAD!!!!
Off I go :)

The Walker

I feel that angels walk the earth everyday. People change our lives every day without realizing they have even done anything. It could be a smile, a wave, a random act of kindness, or holding a door open for someone. We are more interconnected that I have realized. People come in and out of my life daily that impact me in such a way that it changes my mood, or my day, my entire year, and even my life. All of you I am certain by now know that I am a bit of an analyzer. I am always looking for connections, always looking for reason, and attempting to make sense of what has happened to me in order to not continue to make the same mistakes. I love my mistakes and I make a lot. They all teach me something about myself that becomes helpful in another time.

We as people hardly ever tell people when they change us (unless it something big). A few weeks ago I realized that the smallest thing that someone was doing had become something so big to me. Many know that my life this last year has been a challenge. I am running a race and unfortunately am not allowed to know how far or when I can stop. As you can only imagine it is a trial. I am tested daily on my resolve to be patient, kind, positive, and grateful. I have not successfully done this the entire time but each time I have been knocked down I have slowly but surely go back up. this last knock down however, I decided I didn't want to get up. I was done and I was going to quit this race and just lay here....that didn't last long though. The wonderful thing about my life is that I have the most wonderful friends and family around me that hold their hands out and pull me back up. They can't run the race for me but they are there the whole time to cheer me on and make sure I finish. I know they all know how thankful I am for each of them being in my life. I also know that when the timing is right that I will be right there to pull them up when they need a hand. We are interconnected, but its not just those we know......

The walker walks past my house almost everyday of the week. He has a cane some days, he wears the same straw hat (unless its snowing), and he walks the same direction past my house daily. Almost a year ago I started waving as he walked past my house. He did too with a big friendly smile on his face. At some point as I drove down the street at the same time each day I began to look for him. His smile and wave made me feel at peace and happy. On many days I swear it was the only happy I had. When my grandmothers passed I began to beg for a sign that I would be OK and almost as soon as i thought it, there he was walking, smiling, waving, and giving me a strange sense of peace. My 5 year old daughter at some point this last year told me that he was an angel. "No, a real one mom", she said smiling. She said his wings were tucked in his jacket. I smiled wishing she was right. I didn't see him regularly necessarily, but each day i saw him it was on a day that I really needed to be reminded that everything was going to be OK. I saw him alot in September when I lost my nan, almost everyday! I smiled and waved in more pain than anyone around me even knew, but temporarily lifted of this burden by this "walker" (a complete stranger who I had never even said more than hello to). I too began to feel he was my families angel. A few weeks back I was sitting there listening to Robbie Williams, Nan's Song (which we played at her funeral and I have listened to everyday since she died) I usually am singing the song but this day was just quiet listening to the words..."You said when you die you'd walk with me everyday......" I started crying and realized maybe she had been walking with me over the last few months. "The walker" walking by giving me a sense that my life would be OK was her! I cried more upon realizing this. Then, I could not get it out of my head that I needed this man to know that he had changed my life. Now, how do I do this without looking like a crazy stalker??? I didn't even know this guys name and what kind of crazy just runs out to the road and hands some walker guy a letter....well ME that's who!! I wrote him a letter and told him the "brief" (well... Holly brief) version of my life this last year and that when I prayed  to know that everything would be OK again there he was. I told him that my child thought he was an angel and that his smiles, waves, and walking had brought me peace after such a horrible time. I told him that I just felt like he needed to know that he really was an angel to my family and a thank you. Now, when you give a random stranger a letter like this with angel talk, prayers and God, your life story, and thanks for something so simple as a smile you have no idea how you will be received by them. I held the letter for 2 weeks and didn't give it to him. I was not sure how, and honestly I was feeling a bit crazy at this point. V-day 2013 was supposed to be the day that our life changed....but it didn't and I was knocked down again for the last (and in my mind) final time. I didn't want to get up again. I was done. I felt that a person could only take soooo much and I didn't have any more hope and no more desire to even try and find it. I think that is what hopelessness is! I was done. The next day I was headed out and I saw the "walker". I had allready told my kids about the letter and as soon as they saw him they insisted I give him the letter. VERY hesitantly,  I grabbed it along with some rice crispy treats I had just made. We drove down the street (in the opposite direction we needed to go) to catch him. I gave him the letter and treats and he said thank you several times smiled and went on his way. Then we waited......I didn't see him for a good week. I was really nervous that he may have felt I was a bit nuts and a stalker LOL.
Today....my doorbell rings and he is standing there with a letter for me. He thanked me again as he told me my letter made him tear up. I cried a bit, said thank you, and hugged him. He then went off down the road walking. I went inside and read the letter. It thanked me for my letter and said our family was added to his daily prayers. He also said that due to some health issues he walks for 3 hours each day and many of those days that he walked by and smiled and waved it gave him a lift to keep going. With tears flowing I read this to my kids and husband. Inside the envelope was a gift (for toys r us) signed "the walker" for the little girl that lifted his spirit, my daughter.  The "walker" changed many of my moods, days, months, year, and now has really impacted my life. It feels amazing to know that each time my prayer was answered..... so was his.

We are interconnected whether we believe it or not. Your actions ARE effecting someone else. Think about that next time you drive down the street, go to the store, go to work, or do whatever you do. Someone once told me that 1 person can NOT change the world but  I BELIEVE IT ONLY TAKES 1 PERSON TO CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!!  Will it be you???