Think pink

Every little thing is gonna be allright...right?

2012-02-09T09:32:00.000-08:00

"Keep Moving Forward!" -Walt Disney

I realize I have been a bit MIA lately. I have just been feeling a bit like a cheerleader for a losing team. You can go along great for a while (in my case a LONG while) but at some point you need a cheerleader yourself. I guess I have just finally made it to that point. I don't want to feel this way and believe me I am FULLY aware that my negativity is effecting my life right now. I am trying....and that is all I can say.

Just as I did a few years ago, everyday I put one foot in front of the other and just keep going. My head tells me to give up but I just keep going. We don't always have to like what is happening to us but we do have the choice in how we deal. today....I am not doing that great. I know that, but the beauty of this roller coaster of life is that I get to make another choice tomorrow!

I am training for a Triathlon this summer and train 6 days a week. I have lost weight, inches, and gained a new found confidence. I feel great physically. Mentally, that may be a different story. this whole cancer thing has screwed up my head. I try to turn off these horrible thoughts but sometimes I just can't. I don't want to die but sometimes I convince myself that I am going to. I feel crazy. I don't even have cancer anymore (according to the doctors). Cancer may leave your body, but it lies in your mind forever...just trying to use the best coping strategies I have to deal each day. Here is the thing though when you get cancer, especially at a young age, you have a lot of time on your hands to contemplate your mortality. Truth is if today was my last day I feel 100% at peace with what I have done with the life I have had. The problem is though there is soooo much I want to DO before I go. There is so much beauty in this world that I want to see! When cancer hits many want to go out and live this great bucket list, but at 32 with 2 kids, a husband, and 2 dogs.....not gonna happen. It makes life a bit difficult to travel the world when you have a young family ( and NO MONEY). Guess for now will have to hope that I get to live long enough to make that stuff happen later.

Well now that all that negativity crap is out of my brain I have to admit I do feel a bit better. Maybe writing, my new love, is the thing keeping me from living happy again. I should make more of an effort to keep with it. It really is cheap therapy and for know it is the only therapy I can afford LOL!

Today on FBW I asked "What songs to pull you out of a funk?" Yes, I realize it was a bit selfish to ask for total strangers to post uplifting music to inspire me, but I gotta say it kinda worked! Maybe just maybe someone else is having a bad day and will too be inspired by these wonderful lyrics! Thank you to all the facebook fans for being wonderful. I will leave with one positive note since the majority of this post is a bit whiny.... Bob Marley says, "Don't worry....about a thing....because every little thing is gonna be alright!"
I too know that everything will be alright...maybe not today....but it WILL SOON!!!

Have a great day and enjoy the little things that make life so wonderful! That is what I will be doing today! :)

KEEP MOVING.....

2011-12-28T08:33:00.000-08:00

We are exactly where we have chosen to be.---Vernon Howard

During my cancer journey, and now even after, exercise has always played a role in my day to day life. When I had cancer, people would think I was crazy to get on a treadmill and run. I think they expected me to sit on the couch, cry, and throw up. I told everyone from day one that I would not be that gal....I consulted with my doctor and when I was well enough to run, I ran. When I was sick or tired I let myself rest. It was the first time I listened to myself. I wasn't running for fitness or training for one of my many races, but this was running to keep sane. I felt "normal" when I was running. My doctor told me a story of a patient that completed a triathlon while under going and finishing chemo treatments! Wow, I thought, if he can do that...I can work out lightly here and there. My wonderful local cancer center also offered a WELL FIT program that I attended. This was personal training and gym memberships (FREE to us after completion of treatment). I had my doc sign off on the waiver and entered while still actually in chemo treatments. I remember one day in particular going from the chemo chair straight to the gym, running a mile on the treadmill and then doing 2 circuits of training that day....I even impressed my self that day. All this being said I have come across a great article relating to the benefits of physical activity during and after treatment. Wanted to share this with anyone out there that is diagnosed, in treatment, or finishing treatment.

The article is by David Hass.....Check out more of his work on http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog

Exercise Speeds Recovery and Increases Survival for Cancer Survivors

Oncologists have long urged their patients to take it easy and avoid physical exertion during cancer treatment and recovery, especially following surgeries and complex procedures. This medical advice has been reversed, due to clinical findings of the past decade, that physical fitness plays a strong role in relieving the symptoms of cancer and treatment and improving health outcomes for patients.

The new guidelines, issued at an expert panel meeting with the American Society of Clinical Oncology, recommend 150 minutes of moderate aerobic exercise each week, the same as is recommended to the general public. Though clear on the amount of exercise recommended, these guidelines are purposefully vague as to the type. The panel also urged oncologists to integrate professionally trained fitness professionals into their treatment teams, for the safety of patients.

Including Physical Fitness in Your Treatment and Follow-up Plan

The evidence is clear for people battling breast cancer, exercise helps speed recovery times after operations, helps restore body-image, and aids in preventing the weight gain associated with hormone-based cancers. On the other side of the spectrum, sufficient evidence shows that exercise counters weight loss by maintaining and increasing lean muscle. Managing body mass and composition through exercise is a powerful tool for preventing many other symptoms, including recurrence of breast cancer.

What Types of Exercise Are Most Beneficial?

Ideally, the exercise regimen should depend on the coordinated expertise of the oncologist and fitness expert. It should be monitored and adapted to the increasing or declining physical health of the patient. All aerobic exercise is considered to offer benefits, including yoga, resistance training, and cardiovascular workouts. Specifically, there are a few suggestions for specific situations.

Post-surgery patients need exercise to complete recovery. Restoring adequate blood flow, prompting the body to repair tissue, and overcoming fatigue all rely upon exercise. More is better, so long as it takes place under the guidance of a fitness expert. The American Cancer Society has put together a list of simple exercises to do after breast surgery. Some patients, such as those with advanced mesothelioma or brain cancer, may be limited to range of motion exercises and brief walks.

Some patients are out of shape to begin with. A sedentary lifestyle is a leading risk factor for cancer, after all. The help of an expert on exercise for cancer patients will be invaluable. Talk to your doctor about making exercise a part of your treatment plan.

by David Hass

I am currently training for an Olympic Triathlon (1mi swim, 25 mi bike (i think), and 6 mi run. This, just like cancer, is going to be hard! I know now because of cancer however, that I am capable of things I never thought were possible and ALL of you out there are too! Today's challenge, especially now that New Year's is around the corner is to get out and get active. It doesn't have to be a triathlon but don't let your body control you...YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE TILL STRONG IS YOUR ONLY OPTION....my motto from day 1 still rings true!! Have a fabulous day!!! :)

REMEMBERING THE BIG C DAY...

2011-12-23T08:22:00.000-08:00

http://thinkpink-holly.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-time-stood-still.html

This link will take you to my very first post. What a trip down memory lane...I am just reading some of the posts from the beginning again and it is really surreal to read. It feels as if I am reading a book on someone else. I remember all of it but many things I forgot already.

Yesterday (sorry a day late) marks the day in which will forever stand out in my mind. There are only a few moments in my life thus far that I can actually say the ENTIRE course of my life was changed in that moment. This is certainly one of them!

I found out on Dec 22, 2009 that I was welcomed into the club of people that nobody wants to be a part of. What a winding up and down roller coaster of a marathon this last 2 years has been for me and my family. You can't help but be changed. I have significantly changed my "I am untouchable" attitude pre-cancer . My family is different too. Here is the thing though, when you change you can embrace it or fight it! Having gone through many changes in my life so far, let me tell you fighting it is not worth the energy. I don't mean not to fight the stupid disease. I mean to take each thing coming at you and do your best to find something good out of it. ( Cancer sucks but there are good things about it too....don't believe me, Read the blog posts I made while IN treatment in 2010) They say that the only constant... is change!!!

Today I am sitting here with my hair back and my numerous scars healed and I can only think of one thing.....I AM STILL HERE! That to me is the greatest gift that I can be given. I work everyday to make sure I am thankful for this gift and that each person around me knows how much they have made a difference in my life.In this holiday season I hope you all remember that life is a gift and you may not have it tomorrow. Would you act differently if you knew it was YOUR last day...what if you knew it was THEIR last day???? Have a wonderful holiday season because you are HERE to enjoy it!!

Just wanted to close up the post with another letter to cancer......

Dear Cancer,
It has been 2 years since you barged into my life. Happy Anniversary.....You were a very unwelcome guest and still are in my life. You have taken things from me that I cannot get back. I HATE you for what you have done to my family, to me, and to everyone else whose life you have taken from them way too early. I will not live in fear this year though. The last two years I have lived in the fears that you gave me when you came into my life. Today marks a change. Today is the first day of the new me that YOU created. Today marks the day in which you will no longer receive my fears or my worries.Today is the day YOU should begin to be afraid. I am stronger now than before you entered my life. I was always this strong though but having you come in my life showed me first hand just what I am capable of doing. I should thank you for that because now I know that I can do ANYTHING. I can battle any beast, I can deal with any situation, and I can overcome ANY fear life throws at me. That makes me more dangerous than you! I know you will continue to try and prey on the fears of everyone else but even though our fight may be over you should know that I am not going to let that happen. My mission for the next year is that I show all of those that you have pushed around that they are just like me. They have more strength than they realize and together....well lets just say you should run now!!! I know that courage is not the absence of fear but just the ability to overcome it!!! Thank you for making me a courageous leader of this battle against you and know that without my fear you have nothing and I have everything. The fight I fight now is for ALL those lives cut short, all the families you have devastated, and those worlds turned upside down with fear. WE WILL FEAR NO MORE!! Happy 2 year anniversary!!!
Holly

Small Town USA

2011-11-30T07:01:00.001-08:00

I grew up in a small town. We had 1 High School, 1or2 good clothing store choices, and a Wal-Mart. Being "from" a small town is great. Growing up there...well I can't really say I appreciated its simple beauty. I wanted BIGGER and BETTER and that place just wasn't cutting it. As soon I hit 18, I was gone. I left what I felt was a "prison" in the dust behind my little Toyota Trecel.
When I was 4 years old we had lived all over the world. In other countries, states, and great places. My dad was from a small town and decided to head back there and visit my grandma who was still there. On this particular visit he decided it would be his last "visit" and we moved to Missouri. I used to ask often why I could not have grown up in California (where we were at right before this move) or England (where we had lived and where my mom grew up) or....well ANYWHERE but here!! It wasn't till I moved away and had a family of my own that I understood just why my family picked that town.
They picked this place because of the simple charm. There were wonderful old homes on Broadway. There were the tornado's. I know that doesn't seem like a reason to pick a town and I am sure it wasn't, but it is something I miss. The way everything outside turns an Eire shade of green and it is more still and quiet than anything I have ever seen, really is amazing. I miss porch swings and people in their front yards talking to each other. The skating rink where I grew up and spent countless hours playing the limbo and dice game. I miss the State Fair and how the town got 20 degrees hotter each year on that week. I miss going out to old dirt roads and blasting music and having weekend bonfires. I miss how the town seemed to revolve around Friday night football games at JJ stadium. I miss the cold evenings in a cheer uniform drinking hot chocolate and cheering on the team. Everyone looked out for each other. At the time I felt it was an annoyance. Everyone knew everything about you and I wanted to disappear into a city of people. Then there were the greatest "Goober Burgers" in the world at the Wheel In Drive In! Wow do I wish you could still sit a 50's style diner counter and eat a peanut butter burger with a chocolate shake.
There are about a million more things that once made me hate this place that I wish I could have again. It makes me reminisce of a wonderful time in my life where my dad coached my soccer team and everything was simple. I know now just why that is the place where I got to grow up and I could not be more proud to say where I come from. Maybe you just need to go away from it in order to appreciate it? I haven't been back in over 10 years.....The skating rink was demolished in a tornado this past year. The Wheel In Drive In is gone to make the road bigger I think (?). The roads that so many bonfires were lit are now paved and used. My High School is even no longer being used. It was like the oldest coolest old building around. I know that things change and time changes everything, but I am so thankful that I have the memories from my Small Town USA!!!!

What is rock bottom?

2011-11-27T18:12:00.001-08:00

Do you remember the movie "Pursuit of Happiness"? The moment of the movie when the dad is sitting in the bathroom floor crying with his son is one of the most memorable moments of the movie to me. I had that moment the other day. In the movie it his rock bottom. It is the moment when he felt lower than he ever had and the moment in which his life changed. What we know about rock bottom is after it happens.....it always heads back up! It doesn't happen overnight or even quickly but I am sure we can all look back on a time or two when we truly were at our rock bottom.
I am not going to bore you with the details of my rock bottom moment but tears were shed, hope was temporarily lost, and I felt like I had let everyone around me down. It felt as if that moment was frozen in time never to go away. It is still frozen in time but now as a moment in which my life changed yet again for the better. In the middle of my "moment" that I was having I realized that I had promised a friend I would help with a Make a Wish Foundation party. I had to dress as a princess and tell a little gal she was going to get her wish of going to Disney World. The timing could not have been worse....(or better)! I got ready and was determined to fake a smile for this girl even though I was miserable on the inside. When I arrived at the makeup, hair dos, and dress up were in full swing for the little gals. Their smiles were contagious. For the next hour and a half I was Snow White and I didn't have a care in the world. I feel that I was sent that opportunity at just the right time to remind me how simple life really is. It's not about the money (or lack there of). It is about making people smile and doing that really put me back in balance. That is why I am here. I am here to share stories of my crazy times raising children, humorous things that happen when battling a not so humorous disease, and telling a story. I am a storyteller. I always have been and sometimes it just takes a kick in the butt to realize what you knew all along.
I am moving past the set back that we experienced a few weeks ago. I was given a book the other day that again changed the course of my life. It is called "Heaven is for Real". For those who don't know the last time I read a book was 1999. I know, I know....don't laugh but kids and life have gotten in my way lately! :) Anyway, I read this book in 3 days. FYI it would have been 2 but I had work to do on day 2 so only got one chapter in. I am not saying this to boast about my speed reading but to speak to the book. It was so good that I could not put it down. What I took from this book was a great story of everyday people. I also took from it that we can choose what to believe but it strengthened for me what I do believe. After reading this book amazing things started to happen. I went out the door one morning to find a basket full of things that were for my family. There was no "from" name on it so no thanks could go out. I am certain that the sender is well aware of my thanks to them though!
Just as when you are climbing a mountain, you have set backs and difficult times, but it is not about the climbing of the mountain or where you are at on it. It is the journey getting there that is really what life is about. Rock bottom is really not as bad as you would think, it just means the only way to go now is UP!

Try Again Tomorrow??

2011-11-09T13:57:00.000-08:00

Lets just try again tomorrow.....
These words are coming out of my mouth a lot lately. Nobody said that raising children would be easy, but really do there have to be days like this??
It starts like they all do with tiny hands in my face or a finger in my eye. I head out at 5am to sneak in the only "me" time I will have ALL day. Off to the gym and home before almost everyone wakes up. My son is the early riser in our house so he usually greets me as I walk back in the door. One check off my 'million things to do today' list. Today is gonna be the day I get all the stuff done at home that I have been procrastinating. I will clean, catch up on quickbooks, and do some organizing. Sick child means productive day for mom.....Right???
My 4 year old little diva has been telling me since the day before that her throat is "burning" and rather than potentially infecting the whole preschool I decided a doctors visit is needed. Her cooperation in the morning is also needed but not given. After I finally get her dressed (I mean this literally because she was refusing to put her clothes on this morning) and my son ready for school we load up into the car and drop him off at school. On the way out the door we see the poor starving dogs need food so....a quick stop at the pet store and we will come home. Nope, they don't open for another 25 minutes and I do not feel like waiting in the parking lot with this lovely little lady with the "fabulous" attitude. Ok so home it is to call the doctor. Appointment scheduled so we will hit the pet store on the way home. Doctors appointment goes good, but no meds because it is a virus. I spend all the money and time to go see a doctor and it's nothing. Well not nothing, but nothing I feel like is "cured" with a single dose of pink stuff??? Ok great so rest is what he ordered and rest is what she'll get. yeah right, not if she has anything to do with it. Tears were the common factor of the entire day. Tears when we didn't get candy from the stupid pink pumpkin for breakfast. Tears when her mean mother made her put clothing on. Tears when the same movie that was just on didn't get repeated. Tears Tears and more tears.
Tears I can handle. I fix them all the time with hugs and love, but today I was literally unable to walk out of the room to use the restroom without them. Tears turned to full on screaming tantrum as we picked up my son from the bus. So here I am on my "day off work" actually hoping to return tomorrow. The neighbors got their ears full this afternoon. This tantrum began before we even walked out of the house when I so stupidly suggested tennis shoes instead of pink flip flops. Tired of the drama I gave in on this one and said "Fine but your feet will be really cold". Cold wasn't the issue today though. As we walked to the corner to get my son from the bus we had to take the princess scooter...."really the scooter, I thought you were sick" Ok Fine so we slowly, and I mean turtles moved faster, head down to the bus stop. Somewhere along that short walk the scooter became too difficult to handle and I was ordered by the tiny princess to carry it. We meet my son and head back to the house. While walking home, her great weather appropriate pink flip flops kept falling off her feet. Now let me explain something, she has worn these about 100,000 times and NEVER had an issue. Today, they were just jumping off of her feet though. My son and made the HUGE HUGE mistake of giggling about how dramatic she was attempting to be. I mean she could have received a Daytime Emmy for this performance she was putting on. Oh big mistake because the ENTIRE rest of the walk home was filled with screams at the top of her lungs for us to stop laughing, and of course this made it even harder to stop laughing....It was one of my definite TOP 5 Parenting Moments of the Year!! We walk home with smiles and the second we hit my front door my "I am a great parent face" quickly jumped to "oh little girl you are in trouble face". After a 15 minute screaming session in her room she decided to come out and join the world again. She comes out and looks at me and sobbingly says...."But I just love you mom!!"
The rest of the day was pretty much the same. At the end of the day we sat on the couch and snuggled. I asked her if she thought today was a good one. She said "no because I cried alot today." I hugged her and said tomorrow is a new day and the beauty of tomorrow is that we can always try again! And after a kiss, a smile, and a hug her eyes closed and she was out like a light.
The great day of productivity was over and I had done nothing on the list. I started think about what I had just told her a few moments before. I may not have done anyting on the list BUT....The beauty of tomorrow is though....we get to it all try again!

What you have left

2011-11-03T07:42:00.000-07:00

"Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts - it's what you do with what you have left." ~Hubert Humphrey

On paper I appear to have nothing. Our finances have been cut in half since the layoffs, every bill is late, and I actually had to hold off on important testing for my health because the copay is too high. I am like many others who have been hit by this economic crisis. I don't know and have no way of knowing how long we will have to "ride this out". Yes, on paper my life sucks. Our truck broke down, there are no interviews to the 500 applications that have been put in, and Christmas....well it will be one of those "this is what is really important holiday seasons for us". It will not have tvs and video games. It will not have a tree filled with countless toys to open. It will "that" year for us.
This is on paper. You would think I would be a depressed train wreck right??! I mean all this on the back of a year long cancer battle myself....
I think if it wasn't for the horrible ugly beast cancer coming into my life I wouldn't be able to tell you this.......
None of what I just told you matters! My husband used to go to work at 5am and we would not see him again until somewhere between 5pm and 1am (for ot). He now picks up kids from school, has had a few lunches with my son, and sits at every football practice! Yes every bill is late and I get calls daily for money but we have learned to live much simpler. Christmas will not be filled with tons of presents but we will make sure somehow our children will remember it forever. We are blessed to have this experience and when we come out on the other side the things we gained will make us stronger people. Life may go back to "normal" eventually, but we won't!
When people ask how I am I think they expect a big sad answer and I just don't have that. It is not comfortable by any means in my life right now but being uncomfortable for a while makes you grow right. Think about exercise....I am training for a triathlon right now and my life really is a lot like swimming. If you stop swimming you will drown. Keep moving and slow or fast you will get to the end! That is what we have to do right now too! Keep pushing and this too will pass!!! On my cancer journey I wrote my favorite quote..."keep moving forward" and the same is still true even now.
Today I just wanted to point out as we go through our hustle and bustle of life that life has its ups and downs and how we choose to deal with that makes us who we are! Don't dwell on what you have lost or you won't be able to see what great things you still have left!

What is Unsaid

2011-10-18T07:20:00.000-07:00

What would you do differently if you knew your time with a loved one was limited?

It could be a mom, dad, child, spouse, or friend...anyone you care about. Would you be different to them if you knew your time was very short? Maybe you would turn off the TV and just talk for hours. Maybe hike to the top of a mountain and feel like the kings of the world. Or would you just sit and hold hands and talk of the great times that you have shared.....

Would your whole life be different if you always lived with that intention. The great song "Live like you were Dying" isn't that far off is it!? It hurts my heart to see the people left here on earth wishing they could have or would have done something. Here is your chance they are still here today so please go do it or say it! Memories are made with people and they stay with you long after that person is gone.

My point is simple today..... You may not be around tomorrow and neither may they, so don't put off what can be said today!

have a great day :)

Ta-ta tastic!

2011-10-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

The month of October I have teamed up with my favorite organization (besides my own), Save the TaTas. They are one of my favorites because they have brought smiles into a world that lacks them. Cancer is hard and it is not fun, but our outlook on things really has a lot more to do with our health than we think. The mission is simple, Fight Cancer Your Way and Fight Cancer together. This really hits home for me because the whole reason my Friends of the Bald Woman non-profit even exists is because of the humor of my now 7 year old son and because I fought my way. I made jokes to the world on this blog when many didn't believe I should be joking. I laughed when many thought I should be crying. What I quickly found was that my attitude not only made a difference in my physical health, but those around me reading and laughing became a part of my adventure which gave them some small piece of comfort.

This October in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month I decided to give you a little reminder of why I am here.......

On December 22,2009 I received my Christmas present a few days early. I got the brand new snowboard that I had been dreaming of, but with that, a big fat breast cancer diagnosis. All I really remember of the day is that I was waking up from surgery, hearing the 3 words that nobody wants to hear, and then asking for Dr. Jonas to take care of that Sammy Brady for switching my test results (Ahhhh, any Days of our Lives fans out there would have got that). Apparently, she didn't and I was left to deal with this diagnosis.

Time in the cancer world seems to stand still way too often. Lets back up to Thanksgiving Day 2009. I was 30 years old with a husband, 2 children, and a dog. I was living the life I dreamed. By a complete and utter accident I picked up a bra strap that had fell on my shoulder and as my finger slid to pull it up it hit a mountain. I felt again and again and again.....it was like there was a golf ball under my skin moving around in my boob. I went in after the longest weekend of my entire life and all signs really did point to no. My magic 8 ball even said no!! I had no history in my family, I breastfed my kids, I did all the things I was supposed to, and I WAS 30! Things like this don't happen to young people like me....or so I thought.

I finished 5 1/2 months of chemotherapy treatments, 6 1/2 weeks of daily radiation treatments, and now I am currently on 5 years of the fabulous mood altering medication that has similarities to menopause. I am a lucky lady... I know. I get to blame my excessive sweating, mood swings, and forgetfulness on my meds for the next 5 years! I just pull that "cancer card" whenever I need to get out of things, when I forget things, and when I need something really bad.....see, having cancer has to have some perks too!

Think Pink, The Diary of the Bald Woman started during my treatments as way to keep my family informed of my treatments and how I was feeling. Who am I kidding, it was just a way to get more sleep after treatment and not field so many phone calls. :) Then it quickly turned into much more. It became cheaper than going to therapy sessions. I decided to cut my insurance company a break!It has now evolved into a passion I never knew existed. Who says cancer can't bring good things??? I know I never said that. I had free house cleaning every week, meals brought to me everyday for 5 months, massages, and even a free facial every week if I wanted it. Yeah, I realize every busy mother out there is now jealous! :)

So like I mentioned earlier I have teamed up with Save the Ta-tas not only to blog but to give away something as well. I have picked my favorite TaTa T....Green saves trees, Pink saves these! I know I know, right up my alley. I LOVE this org and what they stand for. They have donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to breast cancer. Here is the link fyi.....http://www.savethetatas.org/why-we-are-special/
Anyone that signs up to be subscriber to this blog and leaves a comment below will be automatically entered to win. You could win an awesome T and read my ultra funny postings....I look at that as WIN WIN!! The really funny stuff btw is located in 2010 around February/March I believe. That is when I was smack dab in the middle of the cocktail lounge. (see the post and find out what the cocktail lounge is) :)

I have to credit the win of my fight to the fabulous family and friends that I have. It was a bit like running a marathon. You have to do it alone and it can be very difficult. You have your ups and your downs and few people even attempt to do it, BUT the entire race you have people cheering you on and motivating you to keep going. Step by step and even inch by inch you finish the race. After looking back at what you have done you realize that you may have ran by yourself but you were never really alone!

Have a TaTa Tastic day everyone and remember to support Save the TaTas fight against this ugly beast named Cancer! If you would like to be entered in the drawing for the FREE shirt subscribe to this crazy ex-bald ladies blog and see my journey from Blonde to Bald and Back!!!!!

To win the shirt....
1. Join my blog following AND
2. post a comment below
Thats it and you are automatically entered to win the free shirt!!! (include your email)

Going or growing?

2011-10-11T07:01:00.000-07:00

Don't go through life, grow through life.

Eric Butterworth

There is a song that says, "I'm in a hurry to get things done, rushing, rushing till life's no fun....." I love this song because of the reminder it gives me to stop and slow down. I find my self more now post-cancer "looking" at things. I notice the colors in sky. I notice people interacting with each other. I notice little things everyday that are amazing.
There are times I wonder if life has this greater meaning or am I trying so hard to find a greater meaning because of what has happened to me. There are times when I get upset that I have had cancer. I mean I get mad! Not just the times when my kids ask me about it or everyday when I look at this body full of scars. I get mad when I think about how simple my life was before and how I didn't even realize it. I can't go back to the person I was before even if I wanted to. I am not her anymore. That girl left the day I laid on a surgery table making the OR techs laugh. I wouldn't have told you then that my life was easy but now I realize, much as a child does when they move out of their home for the first time, that my life WAS not as difficult as I thought. I don't think my life is bad now so don't confuse this post with one that is complaining. I just now see that before I just lived my life. I did things and just lived life. Now, I search for meaning in everything I do. I think about how I can bring this to others and now most importantly I do in fact "grow". I take every up and every down and analyze it to death and grow into a different person than I was the day before.
I am thankful for every single scar. I am thankful for every beautiful color I see outside. I am thankful for the wonderful family and friends I am blessed to have. I am thankful that I am not the person I was before. I am thankful that I grow each day into the person I am meant to be.

Are you going or growing today? you alone get to make your choice each day! Have a great day!

A writer???

2011-10-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

here is the link to my first published article!!!! Yay....may even call myself a writer soon!!!!
Mermaids of the Lake Blog: Dive into celebrating life

Bucket List

2011-09-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

The only way to predict the future is to have power to shape the future.---Eric Hoffer

Does anyone have a bucket list?? This quote today makes me think of them. If we want to predict our futures so badly, then why not be a part of making it. How do we make it you may ask??? Know what you want!If you don't know where you are going, then how do you know when you get there?

I have one. Who knows if I actually will do everything on it but I am going to spend the rest of my life trying! I think they are great for knowing what you want out of life. My last few years by most people's standards has kind of sucked. I mean we have had job losses, my cancer battle, now another layoff but it hasn't taken our happiness from us. sure there are days when I am not sure what will happen next, but in the end I am still here waking up. I don't know when that will end so....better make the most of it right!? If we look at each day as a gift, how can you be not thankful for the day instead of complaining about it!?

My bucket list has lots of travel destinations. Clearly in the middle of a layoff I am not going to be checking any of those off, but stranger things have happened. I purposely put things on there that were just out of reach. If they were all things I could do it wouldn't be a bucket list it would be a To do list! One day I hope to complete these items and check them off one at a time but for now....we wait and enjoy the path to getting them. Who knows something I never knew I wanted may pop up on my way to doing these things. Look at my writing. I never saw myself as a writer and now it something I couldn't stop if I tried. It makes me happy and I hope someone reads it and gets a few laughs here and there.

Make a list if you haven't. What do you want to see or do before your time is up? My list is very long and i keep adding to it but I thought I would give you a few to get you started.....

Skydive
See NYC
Renew vows on an island barefoot
Meet Oprah and Ellen
Have my book published

That's all I am gonna give you today, sorry....I will let you know if I check any of them off!!! Have a great day and don't forget to enjoy the journey because it is really better than the destination!

Got a case of the Monday's???

2011-09-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

Never be afraid to sit awhile and think.

Lorraine Hansberry

This quote really fits today. I have been laying low for the last few months. I quit my job only to take another and now focused on doing well and creating a new balance yet again. Thinking is all I seem to do these days. Am I being a good mom, friend, wife, worker?? I am constantly trying to make all of these people happy and often get lost myself in that process. Still thinking about that!

Oh Monday. The most hated day of the week. Everyone seems to hate this day because it is a back to reality kind of feeling from the weekend. this Monday will be my least favorite day but for a completely different reason. This Monday my life gets jacked up again.....................

Today is the day I have been dreading. Today is the day my husband comes home with a big fat layoff packet and life as I know it has to change again. I get a bit tired of the changes but I have no choice but to roll with them. I am afraid but yet in my heart I know that something is not too far around the corner. Maybe he will get a job on an island and I can check off #14 from my bucket list???? We really seem to have had some crazy luck....layoffs, cancer, layoffs again. I really need a miracle at this point to not become crazy. This last 5 years of my life has had one major catastrophe after another. I really thought that this was the year that was going to treat us well! Still possible I guess and I have to keep the faith that we will be led down the perfect path for us!

I think today I should follow the advice of the quote and not be afraid to sit and think seriously about what my families next move will be. I am sure that when the time is right the "perfect" solution will fall into place. In the meantime....anyone with work....CALL ME :)

Have a great day and today instead of complaining how you have to go off to work....be grateful you still have your job!

2011-09-16T07:23:00.001-07:00

Let the beauty of what you love be what you do. Rumi

My 200th post!!

2011-09-15T07:20:00.000-07:00

This is my 200th post....wow. For someone who never dreamed I would be a writer, I think I can finally say...I am a writer. I love this blog. I love it because it provides an outlet, a way to show the power of being positive, and a way that one day may change someone else.

Today's quote:
My life is every moment of my life. It is not a culmination of the past.

Hugh Leonard

You can't look to your past and what has happened to you to shape who you are now or where you are going. It's important to learn from where you came from but that doesn't define you. We are who we are because of those things but capable of endless opportunities just waiting to happen. I feel at this moment I am being led in the "perfect" path for me. It may not affect millions but I think me having been on this planet will have helped a few people be better. That is the hope anyway...

Every so often, I struggle with the choices I have made in my life and wonder if they are the right ones. I am just like everyone else out there sacrificing and searching for some bigger meaning. I started Friends of the Bald Woman to help women in need. Our first year has beyond passed any one's expectations and I am proud of that. Just as a gas tank runs low to empty however, I do too. My intentions are coming from the purest and best places but this game.....IS HARD! It is hard to compete with the "big guys". It is hard to manage my time equally amongst all these things I feel are important. It is hard to know if it even matters. This game is hard! Many times my tank needs to be filled with all the reasons why I am doing what I am doing to keep this thing moving forward. It is not something you can ask people for, but it always comes when I am in most need.
I think to myself sometimes how much EASIER my life was before I had cancer or before other key moments in my life happened. It was get up, take care of kids, go to work, and then do it all again. This routine has since been shattered and I find myself too often feeling lost without a clue as to my direction. I didn't have to think before. I get angry that cancer came into my life and turned it upside down. I think of some of the greatest athletes, great leaders, and companies that have existed and wonder if they struggled like I do. Did they feel 100% that they were on the right path but still needed to just "know"? Why does my head tell me to constantly question what my heart is telling me to just do? Can't they just get along??? My guess is the greatest things in life never came easy and without struggles so I too will keep pushing forward until my vision of helping people is beyond what I can see at the moment. I have drive and just because I can't see this everyday doesn't mean that I will give up on what I feel I can do. We should never lose sight of what it is that we want. My bottom line is simple. I have said it before. I just want people to smile and laugh more. They seems so small but really can be quite difficult. I want to change the way we see the cup. It may be half empty but look how cute the cup is??? See hopefully you just smiled.....I am on a mission and although right now it is difficult so are many other obstacles that I have come up against. I have won many of those battles but learned from them all. I will get my tank filled at just the moment when I need it most and remember once again why I am here. I will now and forever continue to keep moving forward.

Take the great gifts and talents that your were blessed with and SHARE them with the world (or anyone who will accept them). This can be the culmination of your life's past meeting up with the present to create one powerful LIFE!

Everyday kind of life

2011-09-08T07:23:00.000-07:00

Today, I woke up alone in a King sized bed with all my covers on and before my alarm clock went off. I got showered, dressed to go off to work in my favorite pair of Jimmy Choo's, poured my coffee, and was ready to tackle the world. I work at a very large organization in one of those ultra modern high rise buildings and as I walk in with my coffee I say hello to everyone working away in their cubicles. I sit at my desk, sigh, and know that this is where I am meant to be. I head home but stop off at the local gym for a spin class. I sit down and enjoy my glass of wine and wind down before I do it all again tomorrow.......

15 years ago, this is the life I said I wanted. I was a small town high school student in the middle of Missouri that dreamed of heading off to the city. I had ambitions of being an ad exec and working in a high rise building somewhere. Life for me since high school took a few twists and turns and now my life looks more like this.........

Today I awoke to a toenail scrapping the side of my face. It hurt to so I got up, well rolled 45 degrees and fell out. I tip toe into the other room to put a pot of coffee on as to not disturb the children. This gives me 5 minutes of quiet before they wake up. I realize we are out of real coffee and I have to use the "fake" stuff. I hear a noise from the other room.......OHHHHHH no it is the alarm clock that I had set going off. If that stupid clock wakes up my 3 year old I am going to......."HI MOM!", she says. "Hi sweetheart.....(sigh)" Well so much for that 5 minutes. Oh well dress the kids, make the beds, make lunches for school, and if I am lucky a nice 5 minute shower. After the shower I get ready for work in my best hole-filled clothing and take 3 minutes to attempt makeup and hair. We are ready to roll about 8 am and I take the kids to school. The zoo of a parking lot prevents me from parking in it so we have to park down the street and walk. I appreciate the only exercise that I will have time to squeeze in. Kids get dropped off and I head to work. I drive 20 minutes to get there and work for 2 hours. Go back across town and pick up my preschooler, and head home to feed her lunch. We have 25 minutes to eat because gymnastics starts at 12:15. Then shuttle back across town to the gymnastics place. Sit for an hour and use my phone to answer emails and make any calls needed for work. We head home where I fix my daughter another snack and put on Dora. I then head into my office where I either work some more from home or work running my non-profit organization. Quick books, data entry, answer emails, and beg for money. That is my next few hours....It takes this long because in between journal entries I am "drinking tea" or "pretending that barbie is going to the beach" or being the "evil queen that tries to lock up my princess daughter".... then at 3:30 we walk down to pick up my son from his bus stop that is about a 1/2 mile away. My daughter leisurely rides her bike at a 0.01 mile an hour pace and we finally make it down there 20 min later. Again I am thankful for another exercise break even though the pace is far from my style. Then I greet my son off the bus and ask him about his day. I then ask about 100 extra questions to get more than, "fine". We walk back to the house and by 4:00 it is after school snack time. They have 30 minutes to make this happen because my son has to get dressed for football practice. By 5:00 we are leaving the house and driving 30 min across town to football practice. This lasts for two hours. I, on occasion will leave after my husband arrives to go home and get dinner started so we can eat at 8:00 at night. At 8 they get home from football, we eat dinner, and I ensure that everyone has had a shower. By 9:00 the kids are asleep and finally a chance to relax. About 5 minutes after sitting down on the couch....I am asleep. I head off to bed to dream about....nothing. You have to sleep for a good length of time to get into dream mode! Then I wake up, or am woke up, and do it all again.

I realize many of you are failing to see the glamour in this last scenario, but it really is! I am a princess, taxi driver, chef, parent, employee, philanthropist, and cheerleader. I know it is not the life that I envisioned in high school, but back then I was an idiot! I thought money grew on trees, people were supposed to drive you around, and meals just popped out of the oven. This is my everyday without any complications. No extras that pop up out of your control or battling cancer nonetheless. This is life I never knew I wanted. This is the life that I wake up or am woke up, thanking God I got to do it again!

The grass is always greener somewhere else. I just don't care because I am having too much fun!!!

SMILES ARE FREE

2011-08-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

The Friends of the Bald Woman calendar project is coming to a close soon and I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to connect with these 11 other ladies. I go to these shoots week after week and every time am humbled and in awe of the spirit that surrounds these women. They are our moms, daughters, wives, and friends. I have seen strength and hope in these women that is unmatched in every day life. I don't think anyone plans to be strong but when in the situation that calls for it you have two choices....do it, or don't. these ladies did it for sure. They are funny, they are kind, and they are thankful for what they have. I am so pleased that the support for our calendar has grown. This whole project started with a Bald Lady photo shoot with my favorite photographer friend. She produced the most true pictures of myself that I have seen to this day and I wanted everyone in that situation to have the opportunity to feel their inner beauty too.
Many people ask me why I do this (Friends of the Bald Woman). There is no pay, countless hours of planning, few thanks, and constantly feeling at the mercy of other people's pocket books. It is hard, it is time consuming, it brings sleepless nights and tears, and yet...this is the most rewarding thing I have ever done! I can sum up why I do what I do into one reason....I do this because it brings a smile! That may appear simple to those reading, and guess what it is. I just simply want people to smile more. It may be from receiving one of our support services. It may be from one of my OH SO FUNNY blog posts. It may be giving people a way to give a bit of themselves to others. It may come in many different ways but the bottom line for me is that smiles are contagious. They are infections and it is one thing we don't do enough of. Not to say you can't take anything seriously, but really we are here for an unknown time and so is everyone else here...Why waste our time here being full of all the negative stuff?? I think it is time for one of my famous lists.....

What Cancer took from me
1. My chances of becoming a Playboy model (oh wait, my kids did that!)

2. My hair (that I really didn't like that much to begin with)

3. My fame and fortune (wait, again no fortune to take and I have more fame post- cancer than any high school soccer game ever gave me)

4. My time (always want more and less, always want it to hurry up and slow down)

5. My brain (well at least the ability to remember anything...including anything else that it took from me!!)

What I took from Cancer:
1. FREE meals, house cleaning, wigs, and weekly massages

2. Great stories that go with each scar on my body

3. Better Perspective on life

4. FAME (Newspapers, TV spots, name on a famous car, wow! still waiting on the fortune part!!!)

5. The ability to get out of basically anything with my "cancer card" for the rest of my life. (I would never do that though....or would I????)

6. MY LIFE! (I never let this evil beast take my life or my spirit and for that I am the most grateful!!)

Well that is all she wrote for today ladies and gents! Today's challenge is to make ONE person truly smile today! That is it only ONE! Tell them to pass it on though and we will see how long we can keep the smile going! Smiles are free and can make the day of someone so change the world today folks!! Make your day a great one!

Life as I know it...

2011-08-17T07:18:00.000-07:00

Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.
Grandma Moses

Today is a very special day for me. Today is my daughters 4th birthday and my first ever "cancer"versary. I can't believe it has been a year since I walked out of the doors of our treatment center. This year by far has been more difficult than the previous years cancer battle. The cancer battle is difficult. It involves being physically sick A LOT and feeling like you are climbing the biggest mountain in the world barefoot and with no coat! This last year, however, was more mental. I felt as if I made it to the top of this mountain and saw the most amazing view of my life and then had to go down the other side and go back to reality. It didn't work anymore. The cheerleaders that I once had cheering me on were replaced with bill collectors. The doctors asking me how I was doing EVERYDAY just stopped. The finish line of the big race had come and gone and I was there alone to process what had just happened. It was difficult to drop back into the life that once worked for me.
My life now is far from perfect but it is perfect for me! We spend so much time thinking that the grass is greener somewhere else but to tell you the truth I am having too much fun to care if mine is yellow, too tall, or dead. I live each day differently and I am forever thankful for the things that have changed me and made me happier. who would have thought that an ugly thing like cancer would turn out to be such a positive thing and if that is the case my little everyday difficulties seem a lot smaller to me! Life is great for me because I say it is...that is it. No big secret involved. it is what I make of it! I can CHOOSE to focus on all that is wrong or I can CHOOSE to learn from that and be thankful for what I do have!
Life as I know it changed on Dec 23, 2009 but I am still here and that is all that matters!
Make today count because you never know when your clock is up!!

Fears

2011-07-25T17:32:00.001-07:00

Fear of the worst when the worst in the past
Wondering how long these worries are supposed to last

I hate this disease and what I have become
but the past is the past and it's over and done

The mountain has been climbed and the lessons have been taught
I just wish to God that this fear and worry could be forgot

I fought hard and tough and won my fight
but the memories linger on like a long dark night

Feeling alone but so many surround me
Why can't I just go back to the way I used to be

Maybe I will, maybe one day.. the rest is still unknown
For now I just sit back with my fear and wait to be shown!

What do you say

2011-06-22T06:59:00.000-07:00

What do you say in those situations with your kids when they ask the most difficult questions. "Mom,where do babies come from? Why do people get married? Why do people fart?" Some make you laugh, some make you cry, and some just stop you in your tracks and think....

My son is 7 years old, he is funny, smart as whip, and cute as a button. He changed my life when he was born. He is very inquisitive and always asking questions that could have many answers. Most of the time I can still answer these questions in the most simple way possible. Last night however he got me. I had no answer. I am the mom and am supposed to know ALL the answers and last night....well I could barely even respond.
He asked me last night if I was going to have to do chemo again. I told him, "I don't think so". He doesn't need to know that I worry about this same question all the time still, so I answer and look down at this huge 7 year old kid barely fitting on my lap. He wipes his eyes. "Are you crying?" I ask him a bit confused. The whole time I went through treatments he never really said anything much about it. I tried to get him to talk about it but he never really did so I guess in my mind I believed he was unaffected by this as my 3 year old was and will be. I was wrong.
He looks up with those little blue eyes filled with tears and says,"Cancer can kill people". I shake my head, attempting to not burst into tears too, and say, "you are right love it does sometimes". He lays on my chest and tells me that he doesn't want me to die because he would miss me and not see me again till he dies. Tears are flowing now and I am trying to have some great things to say to ease his poor little mind. I remind him how I won my fight and my cancer is all gone. Then he asks the hard one, is it gonna come back?.....What do say to this? Do lie and say no way or never? Do you tell the truth and say maybe? Do you hug your little one tight and tell him you love him and you are doing everything possible to make sure that you never see this again?
My fear from day one was not treatment but that my kids would be affected by this disease too. Take what you want from me but leave my kids alone. Cancer effects an ENTIRE family not just the one receiving the treatments. Yes, treatment is the harder part BUT I would rather go through treatments than watch it any day! Seeing my 7 year old son so upset about this makes me hate this disease even more than I already do! I really didn't think that was possible. My fuel that occasionally runs out for helping those with cancer and their families was just refilled for like a year and I am on a mission to destroy this worry.
I hugged my son last night I told him that I loved him and will forever love him. I told him that even though my cancer is gone I will fight EVERY day to keep it away for him and his sister. I don't know if what I said helped ease his fears but it was 100% truth. I don't know what my future has in store for me so there is really no point in worrying about it. I have said it a million times in this blog and live it each day, "keep moving forward".....that is all we can do.
What do you say when you don't know the answers? I guess maybe sometimes the answer is just not having one.

Sparks

2011-06-16T07:51:00.000-07:00

Some will say that one person can not change the world. Maybe, but ONE person can spark a chain of events that in turn does change the world.....One small thing that you do could be that spark. It could be as simple as smile or kind words to a stranger. You never know....

Will you be the spark or will you be the one who blows it out?

Just some random thoughts of the day from the gal who is trying to light as many sparks as possible to see one huge fireworks show this fourth of July!
Have a good one!!!

A challenge today

2011-06-05T07:27:00.000-07:00

Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?
Benjamin Franklin

Should I consider this a sign that this quote came up twice in a weeks time? The quotes randomly rotate each day and I have only now after a year seen a repeated quote. Why this one repeated so soon after it just came up?

I am not sure if I have a talent. I am very good at finding talent in others but not myself. Hey wait is that a talent?? I guess it all is how you look at it right!?

I could list out all the things that I am not, but today I will focus on what I AM.....

I AM.....

funny (at least I crack myself up)
loud (always being asked to be quiet)
compassionate (want the world to see there are good people out there)
resourceful (I may not know but I will find it)
driven (although the goal may change my focus on that goal does not)
scattered (a master at juggling 800 things at a time)

What are you? All too often we focus on what we are NOT in our lives and what we do NOT have. Today your challenge is to focus on what you DO have and what you ARE!!
Good luck, it is not that easy but for 24 hours just try it...nothing negative. So even your negatives need to have a "silver lining" just for a day.

Are we there yet???

2011-06-02T06:55:00.000-07:00

"Are we there yet?" We have all heard it and said it..... This was the phrase of the day on my most recent big adventure.

I recently took 40 middle school children to the Seattle Science Center. It was a jam packed day that began at 5am. My own son was off school so I decided to bring him along with us. He felt that at 3:20am that we were going to be late and woke me up to share in his panic....we weren't supposed to get up for about another 40 minutes. He then returned to bed but me....not so fortunate, so...the day began at 3am!

45 tired people entered the bus at 5am and we were off for the first leg of our 4 1/2 hour school bus ride! Now I want you to imagine back to your school bus days for a minute....now not so bad to remember as a kid, right. As an adult, well, that's a different story. Assuming both of your legs comfortably fit facing forward in your seat, it is still no way to spend the next 4 hours of your life. There is also the knees up on your seat approach, this works temporarily untill all the blood rushes out of your legs and the pins and needles begin. The only option is to toss and turn and distract yourself in good conversation. did I mention I took 40 middle school age kids?

2 hours fly by...I am laughing out loud right now.....Only 25 "Are we there yet's" have been noted. Rest stop #1....oh boy. This fabulous rest stop had no real working bathrooms. Yes, I did say rest stop. Isn't that their main job??? Who owns rest stops because boy they would get an earful! It did however have 2 full port-a-potties! FULL! I was desparate so I used one but almost stepped in vomit to use it. OH the memories made!!! The other my son used and when he opened the door the smell was so horrible I almost vomitted myself. Maybe that is what happened in my port-a-pottie?>?? Only half of the students were brave enough to use them so back to the bus it was!

Another speedy 2 1/2 hours go by but this time about 35 "Are we there yet's". Finally I was able to tell them, YES we are (and mean it)! The day flies by at the Science Center. Watching the students in my group of 10 weave in and out of the 50 other school groups that were there that day was about as fun as the whole port-a-potty incident. In all seriousness, seeing the students learn about science when they all claim they hate it...that was priceless! The I-Max was somewhat of a bust for them but the laser show made up for that entirely! We ate lunch right in font of the Key Arena and were given some oh so fragrant smells of herbal remedies as we ate. We unknowingly walked all 40 students through a street fair. That wasn't stressful at all! It reminded me of the movie UP where the dog sees the squirrels. We made it to the Space Needle together and those who had never been were in awe, so for me the stress was well worth it. The day completed with the oh so fun visit to the gift shop! Then back on the road.

We were on the road for about 15 minutes before the "Are we there yet's" started back up. This time it was referring to dinner. Before we made it to Mc D's we were stuck in a Memorial Day road construction traffic jam! The kids really got to experience one more true Seattle site.....for over an hour! this is when the "Are we there yet's" were flowing like the rain and snow that was beginning outside the bus!
After 5 1/2 hours on the bus we finally arrived home to the school!

Overall, we realize we spent more time on the road than we did actually in Seattle, BUT from my perspective worth the ride! We often get caught in getting from point a to b and don't always look at the road along the way. I have learned through my disease that the ride is where the memories will come. I hope that I have given each of those students a memory that they will take with them as they move on in life. I believe that is the greatest gift that I can give them on my last days there.

The bus was filled with "Are we there yet's" but we were "THERE" the second we stepped on that bus.....

Enjoy your journey today!

I have a dream

2011-05-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.
James Dean

This quote always reminds me yet again to live for today and to really follow where my dreams take me. What if you don't know what your dream is? What if you do but talk yourself out of it because of fear? It could be fear of failure or the unknown. We just too often let those dreams go to settle for something else that is ok.

This morning I am envisioning all the directions my life could take at this crossroad that I am on. I have made descions to follow my dream and now I am second guessing it as the time draws near to actually do it. Is this a normal reaction? Does every one's brain do this and run down all the possible things that could go wrong or the ways I could fail? Is what makes us successful in life pushing past those thoughts and fears and doing it anyway? Maybe....

For many years I have been the girl who can't say no. I will do anything to help someone, whether I know them or not. What I have learned in the last few days is this....If you want something, I mean really want it, it can be yours. You have to put in the work and not stop till you get it though. The work may be to focus on the dream and not stop till it is there. My problem has always been this, I over commit. I used to think that I over committed because I was this girl who couldn't say no. I have now learned that is not true. My over commitments are actually a lack of commitment on my part. It sounds strange I know but I will explain. If I load up my plate with an abnormal amount of activities and things to be responsible for then I will always have something to fall on if one fails. My whole life I thought it was because I liked living that busy life, but really was it just a lack of putting everything I had in to one thing?? I have been so afraid to fail at things in life that I loaded up with numerous things to do. This kept me from feeling the failure of one thing because I had so many others going on. Today I sit and wonder if I should change. If we don't change something then we will ALWAYS see the same results. If we can change ourselves, we will see different results. Today I will try (I said try) to make a change. For once I will commit to something with all I have not a portion. If I fail, which I may, then I can always go back to my ways. Today I have a dream and I am going to make it happen.......the rest is still as they say "unwritten"...........................

Whose day is this????

2011-05-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

There is nothing in the world that I love more than being a mother. It is the most wonderful crazy ride that I have ever been on. I love that we have a day to stop and think about our mom's and all they do for us. If you are married it's a day where your husband will make you remember that he did things for you for the rest of the year.

My day.....I wake up at 7:30 which is the latest I have slept in for like a year. I woke to my husband outside finishing the garage clean out and my son wide awake excitedly awaiting me to open his present. I opened the wonderful story, poem, and clay project that he worked so hard on. He then says to me, "This is the greatest thing I have ever made.....Did you know that your mom kept ALL of your projects from when you were little??" After he showed and explained all of the uses it brought and places it could go he took me over to a sign that he had made above the fireplace. "notice anything different over here....(pointing to the sign)?" It read on several sheets of paper " H....A.....PPY.....Mothers......day.mom"

What a way to start the day right. I thought to myself at that moment, "this will be a great day"....ahh!

Then about 30 minutes later I hear the screams from my room....MMMMMOOOOOOOMMMMMM! My little diva is awake! I go in and she eagerly shouts..."happy mother's day" (This is the same thing she has said to me every day that she has woke up in the morning for a week. Each day I tell her...not today, a few more days)
Then she looks at me and says "It's mother's day. I am going on STAGE today!!!!!" "Uh no sorry dear that is Tuesday for the Mother's Day tea at school," I say.... Tears start to flow. "I wanna go on stage and sing today!"
"Oh I know honey a few more days"........Now I begin to wonder, "is this going to be a good day?"

The festivities included a great breakfast made by my husband, a nice 2.5 mile run on my treadmill, a clean garage, a HUGE temper tantrum (because she could not change clothes for the 3rd time into her Easter dress), and the dreaded trip to Wal-Mart for groceries!

Wal-mart was great. I listened to a mini fit about not being able to have popcorn chicken, new water shoes, and cheap check out isle crap. It was great. The best part of the trip was the in the makeup section. I was standing there waiting for my daughter to pick out a princess lip gloss and she laughed as I told her that I couldn't think of anything I would rather be doing than walking around W.M for mother's day. A woman was standing in the isles she just laughed as I said that to my daughter. She said the greatest thing to me though...."Your living it!" (Yes I am I thought and smiled)

After that comment, I felt great. I don't need the 'perfect' day. I had the perfect day!! I am living it each and every day that I am blessed to open my eyes! This is the greatest present that I will ever receive. I am allowed to be here to listen to all of these screams and the laughter.

The rest of the day was filled with them screaming at each other, tattling, hearing my husband tell the kids that it was MOM's day not theirs, and then finally sitting arms around each other with a movie. I even had a relaxing back massage from my 3 year old, but I had to keep carrying her around to get it! I took a deep breath and thought.....I AM LIVING IT!

The BW Ball

2011-05-03T06:45:00.001-07:00

It's a great day to be alive! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the stress is momentarily lifted. Yesterday, I went for my every 3 mo. check up. This is the day I get to go in give lots of blood and find out if I will have to climb that stupid cancer mountain again. Lucky for me, at this time, that will not be happening. I am still clear for 9 mo now! This is always an anxiety filled day or two. I really don't believe that I have cancer again, but until there is a doctor telling me that I tend to get nervous. It has not gotten any easier to do, but hey that is life. If it was easy, it wouldn't be a great story. Yesterday was filled with reflections of the journey that the last year has brought me. It was a long and unknown road but worth the ride for sure. I am much happier today than I ever anticipated being. I feel like I am finally headed on the right path.

Our first FBW event was a huge success in my book. The competitive natured person in me wanted more to have attended, but I am told for a first time under-publicized event.. it was awesome. I have some lessons learned for next year, but overall the event and fundraising exceeded my expectations! I have the most wonderful group of people behind this organization that don't always get the spotlight, but I am so thankful to have them and their support.

Now what....well don't worry I am not a sit down for long kind of gal. I have 3 projects waiting for me to begin tackling them. More info will come. We are still working on the calendar and that will be ready to go out by October. I am also in grant research mode for a very large scale idea. Then there is our next fundraiser...just wait till I announce this one. Gonna be different and lots of fun!!! Stay tuned.

Oh and don't worry all the fame from the TV and paper didn't go to my head. I am still the same person as I was before but now I can sign autographs :) Ha I love being semi-famous. Now, how to keep that going?????

Dear Cancer

2011-04-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Cancer
Today I want to thank you. This thanks is for officially ruining my life. I am no longer the same person as was before that day you barged into my life. I am not the same time obsessed young adult trying to climb every ladder possible. I now spend my days thinking about others and how I can try to give them ladders to climb. Thanks alot for the fear that you have now permanently instilled into my brain and the thoughts that each day needs to be lived to the fullest because it could be my last. I am also so grateful for the side effects of the latest and greatest poisons in which I used to get rid of you. You take lives on a daily basis. You turn families upside down and make them worry when it is the last thing they need to do.
You have taken so much from me. You took my hair, my pride, my carefree life, and part of my body. You have left me with scars and memories of the time that we spent battling. That, I will never forget.
You may be strong, you may have power, and you may even take my life one day BUT you will not win. Not ever. I will fight every single day to keep you out of my life and I will not EVER let you take what makes me who I am. You can have my hair, you can have my pride, and you can have any body part you want. When you turned my life upside down you actually made it better. You gave me something that I am sure you didn't realize....Strength! The anger you caused my family is now nothing but fuel for my fight. The things you took from me are now my fire to help others fight. The things I lost will never be returned, but what I took from you was far more than you got from me!
Thanks,
Holly

Where is my umbrella drink?

2011-04-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

When I think of Spring Break I think of a week long party in Cancun. I think of fun in the sun and umbrella drinks. I think of good times and not a care in the world.
Well....that is NOT the reality that I got on my spring break this year. here are the highlights.....

DAY 1: (This was actually the Friday before every one's week off) This was filled with good times and carpet being ripped up out of my living room. Lucky for us our dogs had helped tremendously with this project in the previous weeks. They had even disposed of some of the carpet pad by eating it and scattering it all over house. They are just so helpful. Who says puppies are a lot of work? They just don't know how helpful they are. (now maybe all the holes in the back yard are them "helping" to dig that pool I wanted!

DAY 2: My husband insists the floor will be completed. This is great because the carpet was ripped out and we got to move furniture back onto the BEAUTIFUL concrete sub floor for the evening of Day 1. No great project is completed without any problems (well at least nothing that makes it on this blog!) so end of day 2....only half complete.

DAY 3: Floors have to be done today because my husband has to go back to work on Monday and I am not living in this crazy house with stuff everywhere any longer!!!! AHH the mess is making me crazy. Finally late on Day 3....FINALLY COMPLETE! I should have realized at this point that this spring break was not going to be relaxing or filled with fun in the sun! Gonna order that umbrella drink now!

DAY 4: Feeling like I have been hit by a truck on this morning but push that aside and truck through a day of catch up. Who has time to feel sick when you have so much to do. Laundry, tons of cleaning from the 3 day dust bowl that we had over the weekend, and Friends of the Bald Woman stuff that I have not had time for when I go to work. Waited a while for the umbrella drinks to come...but the never did!

DAY 5: Doctor time! Feeling even worse than before. A big thanks to a great friend who took my kids so I can finally go see a doctor. I feel terrible at this point. I can hardly speak which makes yelling at my kids very difficult ( :) just kidding- I don't EVER yell at my kids. What kind of mom does that??) Apparently when you are "pushing aside" a sickness for the 10 days prior, that leads to an ear and sinus infection with a side order of bronchitis....where is that umbrella drink????

DAY 6: Watch out world I am back in the land of the living!!! Feeling like a champ today! This day is a bit crazy though. Unexpected financial burdens crept their heads into our home on this day and it was one of those "tomorrow will be a better day" kind of days. I just ignored the stuff that was unimportant and tried to enjoy the beautiful day outside fully loaded with a hail storm at the end of the day! Really need the umbrella drink today!

DAY 7: This was by far the highlight! Started with my radio debut on 2 radio stations. Yes I am a local celeb now! Paparazzi are camped outside my house and it is just crazy! We had a great time at the radio station on and off air. The day gets better because I came home and then headed off to the 2nd FBW calendar photo shoot. This 16 year old gal is so amazing. She has battled, beat, and taken names on her cancer and is beautiful on the outside as well as the inside. Her shoot was amazing and did not produce one bad picture. I am so fortunate to have the best Make up artist in town (DOLLS) who happens to be my sister and I have the best photographer in town (Andrea Starr). they make this project effortless! Still no umbrella drink, maybe I should order another one???

DAY 8: Slumber party. My son had a friend over and we packed up lunch and went down to the park and had a picnic. Fun in the sun, finally! Wait spring break is over in a few days...thoughts of work begin to flood my head. Now I really need this umbrella drink and I am beginning to get irritated that the resort is so slow and not bringing it.???

DAY 9: Watched my husband tackle home improvement project # 2 (spreading 3 yards of rock) He trucked it up a very steep driveway about 100 times to move some to the back yard. This rock will surely keep my dogs who are obsessed with a gopher that lives in our back yard from digging too much right??? No, the answer is already NO!
This day also brings the fun outing of taking my daughter to the walk in doctor because the two of us slept on the couch that night before. Well slept is what I call it but actually sleeping was limited. Within a few hours of receiving this antibiotic she was a new girl! The grumpy, whiny, and tearful toddler was soon replaced by a bossy attitude filled smile! Ohhhh, so glad all is back to normal. Now where is that umbrella drink? Still....nothing

DAY 10: This is it. Life officially goes back to normal tomorrow and I reflect upon my 10 days off. There were no vacations, no weekend trips, and really we didn't even leave the city. Most would chalk this up to a bum spring break. Me...I say it was exactly what I needed, minus the umbrella drink. That I am still waiting for!

It's all about how we look at things right :)

REACH FOR THE BANANAS

2011-03-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

I heard a story about monkey's the other day that I would like to share with you today....

There were a group of monkeys that were being studied. They put a tall pole with bananas in the area with the monkeys. Each time that the monkeys tried to climb up and get the bananas they were blasted with water. They soon became conditioned to not try and climb the pole to get the bananas. Over time they left the pole alone completely.
Then a new twist. A new monkey was added and when he went to go climb the pole for the bananas the others in the group pulled him down each time and would not let him climb the pole. This monkey too eventually got to the point in which he did not even attempt to climb the pole. He was conditioned without even trying to climb it and learning the lesson himself.
Then one by one the conditioned monkeys who had climbed the pole were replaced with those who had never climbed the pole one at a time. The monkeys one by one repeated the same pattern of pulling the monkey who was trying to climb the pole down until the new monkey was also conditioned to leave the pole alone.
By the end of the study EVERY monkey in the place had never ACTUALLY climbed the pole and been sprayed with the water. The entire group of monkeys left the pole with bananas alone completely never having even attempted to get them!

The reason I share this story today is because a great person I know shared this story with me and said, "WAY TO GO AFTER THE BANANAS HOLLY". that made me cry!

In life we are conditioned on many things. Many of us don't ever attempt to try things simply because we don't think we can/should or have been told by others that we are crazy for trying this. I just put my notice into my job that pays me in order to dedicate more time to my children and a non-profit org that pays me nothing. I did this because I feel in my heart that it is the right thing to do and I see something that they obviously do not. There have been many people along the way that have tried to pull me down from going after that banana and they have even called me crazy. Maybe I am, but how many AMAZING THINGS in life have come from someone that was once called crazy?

My hope today is that everyone who reads this takes that chance themselves and tries to get the bananas. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something and if you get sprayed with water...try another way. Don't settle :)

Is it weird that I feel like eating a banana split right now??? Have a great day and reach for the bananas!

Top 10- Why I love being a cancer survivor

2011-03-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

This one is for all my survivors out there!!!!

Top 10 Reasons: Why being a cancer survivor is great

1. The contradictions....Getting back my hair so I can hate it all over again. oh how I love to hate you!

2. Living in a Haze....Feeling similar to those who lived through and participated in Woodstock minus the good 30 years of life I needed to have to have been there. The brain cells are lost but without the great party to go with it!

3. New found Strength...Feeling like I should be walking down the street with the Destiny's Child song, I'm a Survivor, playing in the background as I walk.

4. The medicines....Oh what fun it is to have the hot flashes, stomach pains, nausea, and mood swings. Thankful they have drugs out there that I can now BLAME all of these symptoms on every month! :)

5. The attitude...living with the attitude that if I don't want to do it, I DON'T! No more people pleasing 24/7 now its just more like 20/6!!

6. The colors...I have a license for the rest of my life to sport my favorite color in everything I own!

7. The people...They look at me different now. I was once fragile to them like a piece of glass...now they know I could kick any thing's a**!

8. The doctors...they are gone now except for when I am sick. Lucky for them I NEVER GET SICK, well...except for this stupid cancer thing...but other than that...I NEVER GET SICK!

9. The others...Love the connections with others like me...wait there are no others like me....just kidding, excited for the chance for all of us a** kicking, drug using, pink wearing tough chicks to get together and make some changes in this community! Watch out world!

10. My family...On a serious note, my love has grown where I thought it couldn't. My list of things to be thankful for has magnified by 100. I know that better or worse and in sickness or in health are NOT just words exchanged! I felt love like many may not and I am thankful, proud, and happy to have had this experience!

Time to blossom

2011-03-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin

I love quotes and I am always trying to find the perfect one for the perfect time. I read this one this morning and I love how it fits my life.

I have been on a roller coaster for the last year. I mentioned in yesterday's post that I went down good old memory lane yesterday looking at some of my pictures. I had tears in my eyes looking at these. The whole time I had cancer I wondered why everyone was so sad and why they couldn't see that I was the same old Holly. After looking at the pictures yesterday, I see now. I was sick. I never felt that sick, never really acted like I had a disease, and never really let cancer interfere with what I wanted to do. I ran, I worked, and shuttled my kids to their activities. I did all this because one day I was "normal" Holly and the next day... I wasn't. I refused to believe that I was different. Now, after looking back, I see what they saw. I smiled in every pic but in my face...you can see that pale "life sucked out of you" look under that smile. It was hard to look at.

Now humbled by experience, I live each day as if it's the last and I am thankful each and every time I open my eyes!

The road ahead is unknown for me. I see the end and what I want to happen with FBW and my life. I am slowly making the choices to move me closer to that path. It is unknown but it is more painful to stay here in one place than it is do take the chance. I am a few seconds away from this quote and when the time is here to blossom... I will be ready!

Advice

2011-03-13T16:33:00.000-07:00

Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.
Marcus Tullius Cicero

Advice...I love this one today because everyone LOVES to give you advice, don't they! One thing I have learned about advice is that we all like to give it, but receiving it is a different story. I was and have been in a family services field for many years and my job often times IS advice, but how do you give advice to the one who doesn't want it (or think they need it)? The answer: you don't. You try and guide them to a point where they can come up with it themselves.

I have received lots of advice from people on cancer, having kids, and even my job. The quote could not ring more true that only you can give yourself the best advice because only YOU walk in those shoes everyday! i am not saying that I don't appreciate each piece of advice that I am given, but really at the end of the day I am the one calling the shots.

I was looking today at some pictures of me from this time last year. Wow I LOOK sooo sickly! I was shocked today to see how sick I actually looked in these pics. I never thought I was sick so to see these was tough. It even brought a few tears. It was a rough road but when I spent the whole time laughing I forgot to note that I was actually sick.

So my advice to you today....take your own! (I am still working on giving less and using my own more!)

Tales of a 3 year old drama queen

2011-03-03T08:24:00.001-08:00

I have a 3 year old daughter. She is very dramatic,strong willed, very emotional, and very FUNNY. I have posted about this bossy little gal before. She loves to sing, dance, and make believe. She has an amazing memory that she chooses to share or not. I have seen it so I know it is possible but she is very stubborn so it really is a matter of her deciding to share her knowledge.

Last night she had ballet class. It still makes me laugh watching her.When she chooses to dance she pushes her lips together, walks back and forth, and moves her hips side to side. she has such attitude. She has been in dance for a YEAR but still doesn't always listen (or even dance at times). The funny part is when we come home, every position, every move, and every stretch she will share with us. She marches to the beat of HER drum and on HER beat I guess. :)

This morning as I finished my shower I could hear her screaming....MOM, MOOOOOOOM. I rush to see what the problem is and she says......"Do I need to keep my underwear on today??"

yeah, that is life with a 3 year old drama queen!

the ride

2011-02-25T07:22:00.000-08:00

I imagine life as a roller coaster. It has ups and downs, twists you didn't see, times you go so fast, and times you putter to the top.

This time last year, I was in full swing with my treatments. I was having chemo every two weeks and could not see that far ahead anymore. I have always been a planner so this alone was difficult for me. I had to stop looking into the future and start thinking about the moment. When I sat in my "spa" chair trying to hurry up time I had to keep reminding myself to enjoy the ride. Enjoy the ride you may think....with chemo! Yes, enjoy the ride. Enjoy the needle sticking out of your shoulder with bags of colored medicines that make you nauseous, cold, and irritable. That my friends is real living, and the best thing which i was reminded of the other day is the shots! Oh the shots, the harmless little poke in the back of the arm with the best intentions of "stimulating" white blood cell growth, oh how I miss you! I did enjoy this ride. I enjoyed sitting with my mom EVERY week for 5 months talking, laughing, and watching hgtv. I enjoyed the crazy pictures that we took while there in crazy wigs. I loved trying to make everyone laugh more so they would cry less. They all did alot of that, at first....the mood quickly shifted. what made this journey so special was not the pain, the meds, or the sick feelings. What made it WAS that ride and everything that happened along it.

It has now been 6 months and time has flown by. I used to long for the days to be over and now I am so thankful each time I start a new one. My "old" life I wanted to hurry hurry hurry in EVERYTHING. My whole life was set up around that concept and so when I went through this experience and came out new me....well it just doesn't work anymore. A "new" me has been dropped into this hurry hurry life and well...it's not working. I don't want to hurry hurry anymore. I have spent the last six months feeling like something is WRONG with me and wondering why I can't seem to readjust. This lovely part of cancer is not really talked about....re-entering life! What a ride that has been. From running a non-profit, going to work, raising children, and taking care of my house all of the things that made the first ride so special (the journey) has at times been lost. I now work twice as hard to simplify my life! (I know I know...typing that alone makes me laugh!)

Slow moving or flying through we all have those moments when we want both of these things to happen. Maybe instead of focusing on the speed of the ride we should just sit back and enjoy it!

Believe

2011-02-17T09:25:00.000-08:00

Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt

This quote could not be more fitting today (I ALWAYS SAY THAT DON'T I??) :)
I am finally ready to believe that GREAT things are going to happen and now it is time to sit back and watch because it is going to be a great show! This is true for cancer or anything else that you are facing. I have finally learned this lesson.

This time last year my chemo journey was about to begin....I sit here now and try to remember my thoughts and fears of what lie in front of me. It was unknown and the chapter of PRE CANCER HOLLY was over and a new one was about to begin. I NEVER in a million years would have expected it to turn out the way that it did (if you didn't read the journey...don't worry hopefully one day you will in book form) :)

I have learned so much in the last year since that day that I walked into the infusion room. I say it all the time but I will say it again...It is still one of the BEST things that has happened to me (so far...I have a lot of time left). This obviously is not THE best thing but it's up there. That is difficult for some to understand. My theory is, however, if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger! I am still here and better for it. I loved life before, but now I love it and I APPRECIATE IT!

I would never have told you then but chemo is hard! I did not think that while I was doing it but now...oh yeah it sucked. If you can control your mind and your outlook on EVERYTHING...well that is half the battle right there. The rest just falls into it's place. You see believe you can and your almost there!

Today I feel almost like I am in the same boat but a different river. I am closing the chapter called CANCER and moving on to the next titled....LIFE AFTER CANCER. I realize it has been 6 months now but I think your brain needs time to catch up with what has just happened to you. Mine now has (thank goodness..i was worried for a while I would never be normal again) Normal....funny word....Normal is what I make it right? I am ready to move to the next chapter of life and scared in the same way of the unknown but am soooo excited to enjoy the ride this time! If my posts have been more reflective lately that is probably why. I have spent that last 6 months processing what happened the entire year before! Strange, but true!

Whatever it is that you want to do in life, write, sing, teach, or help the world....BELIEVE YOU CAN!

Best of Both Worlds

2011-02-08T17:51:00.000-08:00

Nothing beats a hard days work does it? For those of us moms that think we can have it all.....I don't know if we can. Something seems to always be lacking. I feel that I am out of balance about 100% of the time. I am always giving too much to someone and not enough to other things. That is the trade off that happens when you are a "jack of all trades and master of none". It is craziness on a daily basis and many other part time mom/part time workers I am certain would agree. I have approximately 10 jobs only one of which pays me and I walk a line of balance every single day to keep everyone happy. Last on that list is me, but its OK. My dad told me last night that my life is the way that it is now because I like it. If I didn't like it...I would change it. What a simple but true statement. I just needed someone to tell me that they had sympathy. For what though, the fact that I have two healthy kids, have my own cancer free health, or is it that I have everything I said I wanted (job, kids, house, cars, great family). When I look at this I realize I don't need pity. I just need to learn how to say no!
When I was a young girl I dreamed of a career. I dreamed of business suits, lots of money, and corporate parties. That was the path that I envisioned in my life. At 15, I would say who cares about kids or there is always plenty of time for that. I wanted the high powered lifestyle.
I am unsure even now where along the timeline that the dream changed. I just know that I did a 180. I traded the business suits in for maternity pants, the endless money for a middle class lifestyle, and the corporate parties for Chuckie Cheese. At some point that life didn't matter. I grew up with a stay at home mom. In my head that is what you did when you had kids but I wanted it all. When my kids came before I made it up a corporate ladder, life changed. I decided to have the best of both worlds. I stayed home part of the day and worked the other.
Now, we all know that nothing in life (I do mean NOTHING) comes without a price. You just have to determine if that price is worth it. I do have the best of both worlds, however, the best of both worlds comes with more things to do and remember. My memory as you know has been effected. Doctors may or may not agree but I KNOW it has changed. I can no longer speak as fast as I think. I think that is why I like to write now. I have time to think of my funny things about life :)
Now I don't need the best of BOTH worlds. My priorities have shifted yet again just as they did when I had kids. Now I want the best of ONE world. I am sure it will shift again one day, but for now...sorry Hannah Montana, I don't want the Best of Both Worlds anymore!
I am excited, grateful, and nervous for this new adventure, but screams from the morning and chauffeuring kids actually couldn't be more wanted right now.
Today's quote is a great one.....
If it were not for hopes, the heart would break.
Thomas Fuller
I have hopes of watching my kids grow, learn, and make a difference here in this world. I hope I am here long enough to make a dent here. (and I also hope one day I can go to Italy :) sorry had to throw that in there!) what are your hopes?

Nerves

2011-02-01T17:35:00.000-08:00

Five men carrying machine guns dressed in foreign military gear decided to come and pull me from my home in the middle of the night. I was taken in the dark of night to a place that looked like a waiting room and told to sit in a chair. They told me that I was going to go to prison. Not like the wonderful Americanized prisons, but a dark and creepy foreign one. I asked if I could at least tell my family what was going on. It was the middle of the night and they would be really scared and worried. They denied this request without hesitation. Miraculously, however, I was able to escape and get to my fearful family and tell them what was going on. I was there mere seconds before those machine gun armed men found me and quickly drug me back to the room. It was there that I had to sit and wait. I was told to wait to see if I was going to be a prisoner or would be released. I sat down angry, sad, and fearful for the worst. Waiting, waiting,waiting......I closed my eyes. I heard a beeping coming from one of the other rooms as I opened my eyes to see where the noise was coming from.......
I opened my eyes and realize that this horrific sequence of events was really only a DREAM.

And that folks is how I began this wonderful day!

I went to the doc today for my 6 month check up and I obviously (as you can see from my dream) was a little anxious! I waited patiently all morning and even made it in to the gym to burn off some nervous energy! The time came and blood was done. I waited another hour to hear the news. Lucky for me.....best news all day. I AM STILL CANCER FREE AFTER 6 MONTHS!!!! This really is the best thing that i have heard all day! Now off to work till 8:oo. Then maybe a nice celebratory glass of wine when I get home.
I am not really afraid to battle cancer again, but I really don't WANT to. It was not fun even though I may have played it out to be. It was exhausting and I didn't even realize that I was until I was done with treatment. I think we do what we have to do. This is no big secret. When your head runs your life amazing things are possible. I never realized how being positive really does CHANGE your life's path. I have experienced this first hand. It is so easy to slip back into old habits and thinking of the worst. Look at yesterday...I am not sure if I will ever be OK with these visits. I will try my best to look around and enjoy the ride rather than focus on the ups and downs that lie ahead. Live in the moment!

I am thankful yet again to wake up this morning to my daughters foot in my face and the alarm going off way too early! The nerves are for nothing on this beautiful day! I am still here and free of this mess, so for today that is all I need.

Chapter change

2011-01-29T08:07:00.000-08:00

It's always too early to quit.
Norman Vincent Peale

No folks, I did not quit writing. I have just been revolving around a 6 year old's basketball schedule. Not to mention heading to ballet lessons, work, cleaning, and attempting to start a gym routine (yes selfish me wants to get healthy). I have thought about quitting but really I just enjoy it and this newly discovered hobby is what keeps me sane. (Yes I am sane most of the time)

I am moving towards the great chapter change and constantly second guessing myself and my choices. I have "officially" decided that I am going to stay home with my kids. I have been longing for this day since my first child was born 6 1/2 years ago. I have never been in a position to do this. (and I may not be yet, but life is TOO short to wonder) I am phasing myself slowly out of my job so the kids I work with will have little impact. I am sad to see this chapter go but am dealing with my overwhelming feelings of needing this. I have been fighting this choice and reasoning why I should not go but I know first hand that our time is limited and we should enjoy and the rest....it will come. There will never be enough money, never be enough time, and never enough "stuff".

Don't worry though my days of sitting by the non-existent pool eating bon bons will be limited. I will still never be home! Now there will be more time for errands, carpooling, and activities! The other thing to consider is my sanity. I have posted several times about the tales of my days.... now they will be longer :) It will be crazy, but it just would not be my life if it wasn't. I LOVE every second of this crazy life! For example, my lovely little diva decided one day she wanted to be on TV...for those that know her (or me) know that is NOT surprising at all! here is how the conversation went.
M: Mom, I wanna be on TV (like on Shake it up, a dance show)
Me: Oh yeah, like an actress??
M: No, I just want to have like powers or something so I can go in there by myself
Me: Oh...don't get stuck! :)
Yep, i can just see it now. That little face making the "oh so serious" look shaking her booty. Then after a long day on the set...."mom, will you sit with me and snuggle?" Yep, I love it!

So the choice is made, the people are informed, and the word is now public. I, the bald woman, will be taking on the ultimate adventure...stay home mom!!! Wish me luck. By the way, stay home mom means CEO of Friends of the Bald Woman is my new full time job! Is that still stay home mom??? Oh well who cares, I am chasing a dream here. If I make FBW succeed, great! If we fail.....well we won't because as I said at the very beginning, "It is ALWAYS too early to quit!!!!!"

don't give up on that dream, just realize what it is first! :)

Take the Risk

2011-01-17T08:27:00.000-08:00

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I can't think of a more fitting quote today. I feel like I say that all the time! I am, as you may have read, struggling with some choices at the moment. (yes,...still the same choices) My post-cancer head and heart is telling me to do something that I feel at this time is a risk. It may very well be risk worth taking when I look back on this moment....just don't know.

I have finally made a decision that I have been going back and forth over for months. I can't tell you yet... sorry. The way I figure it is that we are here ONE time and we don't know for how long. How many times do we take the risk? I have taken the risk and won. I have also taken the risk and lost. Although each "loss" has brought me to a better place than I was before. If you can take the mindset of "loss" and change it to a "gain" you will never LOSE again! Why has it taken me so long to figure out what I have been telling others for a YEAR!!!? Why is our own advice the most difficult to take? (As the tootsie roll commercial says, "The world may never know")

Risk is only risk if you look at it like a win/lose situation. I really don't do that anymore. I take every loss and make it a learning experience, so I really have no reason to worry. I am, however, a person very afraid to fail. I hate to do things if I know the end result will be me failing. I am not living like that anymore. For some reason it took this long to figure that out, but now...watch out!

The Giving Tree

2011-01-12T08:37:00.000-08:00

The Giving Tree is one of the greatest children's books. Those are the only books I read at the moment, so now you know the competition is narrowed a bit. I picked up this book the other day because I love the story. I looked at it from a different perspective today.
The story is about a tree (the parent) and the boy. It shows the full circle of life that we go through in the parent/child relationship. Parents give so much to their children and ask for nothing except happiness in return. We sacrifice, we do without so they can have, and we would give every single thing we have to see them happy.

As a parent myself, I can fully relate to these and don't look forward to the day when my little loved ones grow up and leave me. I also see and appreciate what my parents have done for me. They did everything in this book too. They have seen my poor decisions, my triumphs, and my long periods of being gone. They sacrificed so I could have and they did without so I could have more. I know they would do it again in second too. I would.

What kind of world do you think this would be if we ALL gave more than we took? When I started this blog I was a social services industry worker trying to save the world one child at time. When I got cancer, this huge group of people rallied around me and decided they would carry me through this disease. I was unable to give, but still tried. They didn't care. They did it out love for my family. They changed the course of my life. I learned a lesson in receiving. It felt as if I was being handed strength each time someone did something for me. I got stronger and stronger until there was no way this disease or any for that matter could bring down my spirit. That attitude I had was fed by the giving of others. I know there are others out there suffering through this same fate. My mission is to feed them the strength they need to fight. You don't choose cancer it chooses you! What if we all thought about what WE would want for ourselves and loved ones if this happened??? Would you change anything that you are doing now?

There are many times when I am close to giving up trying to change the community or even world for that matter. Then, someone feeds me the strength I need to keep this going. Thank you to all of those who have responded and forwarded my email to everyone you know. I am so thankful and believe it or not have had some response. It really shows me that WE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD. Sometimes we just have to do it one person at a time. To see some of these things happening right in front of me....for someone who has so many words about things, I have none.

Parents everywhere today..... I thank you. I thank you for those unthanked days that you gave more than you had to see your child smile. To my own parents: Thank you will never cover what you have done to help me to be happy. With lots of love today I wish all the parents reading a HUGE THANKS!!! Pass on the thanks today! :) check out this book too if you haven't!

By the way, I received the best compliment I have ever received the other day. I was told that I was alot like my grandfather. This brought tears and pride when I read this. My grandfather passed away about a year and half ago, but that is not the reason for the tears. He was a wonderful man and I have actually spoke of him in another post (check like May??). His life was so full. He was full of life, love, and certainly happiness. He gave to his family just as the tree in the book. He gave right up until the day he passed. On his last day he gave me a gift and he received one too. He gave me a lasting memory that will never be erased. He didn't speak but listened for eight hours as dozens of people shared the stories of his life and the impact he had on them. He received his gift hours before he left this world. My gift was to see that we can make an impact while we are here not just the day that we leave. We just need to share with each other the impacts they have made. Wether it is a teacher, parent, family member, friend, or whomever give them the ultimate gift...knowledge that they have changed your life!

You have all changed mine! Thank you for reading, supporting FBW, and helping to bring change to the world. You have impacted my life and given me more reasons to give!!!! Have a wonderful day!! :)

Balancing Act

2011-01-10T09:19:00.000-08:00

More and more I see that life is the greatest balancing act. One tip in the wrong direction will send you flying. We are constantly trying to walk a line of balance. We often fall from it and then try and move ourselves back as quickly as we can. We don't like being off balance. I think we really internally want to balanced but do not always know where that line is. Much of what we do is trail and error to find that line. What I love the most is the uniqueness of our lines. Each of us draws our own line and decides where it is.

Think about it. We need to have pride in ourselves, but not too much. We want the line of confidence but not so much that we become arrogant. We want to become prosperous in our finances but what do we have to give up to be there. We want the perfect environment, but it is always too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter. We want enough to eat but health often disagrees. We want our kids to be grateful but also want to give them everything we never had. We want to learn but don't always know how. We want to see the view from the top but often quit before we get there.

We can be a society of over indulgences and instant gratification. This may or may not be a problem for people, it depends on your own lines. To me, I am pushing my line over a bit. I am thankful for what I have instead of pining over what I don't. Just a day of reflections about what is important on my line!!! Where is yours?

Fear

2011-01-07T13:21:00.000-08:00

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
Bill Cosby

What a wonderful quote of the day! I love this because this is my life right now. I have been wrestling with a big decision for some time now and each time I feel I have the answer I realize I really am not ready. I could not figure out why I was not ready....it's fear. I am more afraid of my choice and it's actions than I feel I need to do it. Well that stops now! I am done with fear!

Fear drives us. We base many choices on fear. It is time, at least for me, to move out fear. I am taking my life back. I am going to do what I have wanted to do, see the world, and worry less! We are here for an undetermined amount of time. That clock could run out today or 50 years from now. With the new year and new attitude I want to worry less and enjoy more.

Change the world

2011-01-05T08:48:00.000-08:00

Today is like any other day. I get up before the sun, make lunches, make breakfast, make sure everyone knows what is happening for the day, make sure everyone has the correct items for school, and make the house look like a house (even if it's for a moment). I do this everyday and hope I can squeeze a few moments in for that big new year's resolution....marathon training.
At times I think I am crazy and I tend to take on too many projects, but I am just like every other mother in this world. I over commit, have too many unpaid jobs, and never enough time. I am just a mom, wife, and person trying to make others lives better! That is what we do as moms.
I have been thinking alot about a very large scale community project. This will take more time than I have to give and definitely more resources than I have. I decided to trust in a little luck, lot of hard work, and faith in good people. I am shocked that in less than one day the response is more than I expected. I usually have huge expectations of people. I feel like all people should care about others in need and all people should want to help others (because what if that was them in the situation??). The sad but true reality is that all people do not want to help. It could be for good or bad reasons, but all people are not going to see the huge need of things. This makes me disheartened at times, but in the last few days I have decided to take my own advice (I know, I know, but why is that so hard???) If I can change it then I will change it, and if not...well try something else. We can't expect to see a change if we ourselves don't make one.
I am in a new year and will have a new attitude. I can't change every single person in the world's opinion at the same time. I will, however, try one person at a time to make a change. No major changes have ever occurred in one day, have they??? When I was young my mom and dad told me that I could do anything I wanted if I put my mind to it. I used to think that was just something that parents said to try and get the best performance out of their children. I know now that I can. I have done things that I didn't believe I could do. I have changed a few attitudes that I did not think could change. I know that with the right attitude....well lets just say crazier things have happened. There are others that feel the same way. I know this because I have talked to a few of them. Now the key is to get all of these people together and we can make a difference in this world one person at a time!
I believe I can change the world. Do you???

New Year with a new attitude

2011-01-03T08:37:00.001-08:00

Well the buzz of the holiday season is now in the past. The decor is gone and organization mode is in full swing. I am now on a mission to not only organize my house but my mind too!! This is my new year's resolution. I hope it will last more than a week.
I have another resolution this year because I am such an "over-achiever"! I am going to run a full 26.2 mile marathon on June 25th. I have barely started training but have about 25 weeks to this...easy, right??! I have done a half marathon and it was tough, so I have to admit that I am a bit nervous! Oh well won't be the first or last time that I have attempted something very difficult. This race has HUGE significance for me too. It will be exactly 1 year and 1 day after my last chemo treatment! What a difference a year can make. One year you are pumping yourself full of toxic chemicals to kill things in your body. The next year, you are pumping Gatorade through your body to replace what has been lost on the run....crazy to do both really! :)
The new year brings me new mountains to climb, a new attitude, and a new opportunity to make this a memorable year.
I fully intend to make a mark this year.......so watch out world!

Top 10 for the Holiday Season

2010-12-27T08:32:00.000-08:00

Wow I can't believe Christmas has now come and gone. It was such a quick but wonderful few days of celebrations. We had so much to be thankful for this year.

Here are my top ten highlights of the holiday season......

10. Snowboard Trip: Finally a light bulb clicked in my head! I finally did it with minimal falls and no broken bones or even bruising! This for me is a HUGE feat! As I rode down my last run of the day (it was blue by the way!) I had not even fell down once. I decided to yell over to my husband who was next to me at the bottom of the mountain. I yelled, "HEY! I made it to the bottom of the mountain without FaaaaaaaLINGGGGGGGG!" And.... BOOM... fell right there as I neared the base of the mountain (right next to a sign that read: SLOW!)

9. The Dogs: Well after that great snowboard trip I returned home to yet another lesson in 'Stuff is just Stuff'! The cute cuddly puppy ATE my couch! Not just chewed but shredded a part of my couch! Oh the memories of Christmas!

8. The Wallet: It is Christmas should I really elaborate much more on this??? I guess I could just look at it as a wallet clean out, so when I get some money again I will be able to buy a new one!!!!!

7. The Food: What a great holiday for over-eating, too much junk, and way too many leftovers! The food was good but the extra unwelcome pounds are really not!

6. The Sales: Here is my new plan, we don't celebrate Christmas till Dec 27 next year. That will give us one full day to go and shop the same exact things that we would have bought before Dec 25 at 50% OFF! It is funny how every store now has their LOWEST PRICES EVER sale after people buy way too much stuff at their LOWEST PRICES EVER SALE!

5. The Decorations: The lights, the tree and red and green decor that were once so excitedly put up is piled one by one into a box to look at again in a year. I think we need a year to have the energy to do this all again!

4.The Family: Anytime a family gets together the music is loud, food is good, and people....well they are crazy!!!! I love the big get together but even more than that I love that feeling when every guest has left. It is a sit on the couch and let out a big sigh....we did it kind of feeling!

3. The resolutions: We all make them. What will it be losing weight, budgeting better, organizing your place or mind, or eating healthier? We are so lucky there are places putting everything for those resolutions on sale or gyms running specials! Will you keep them though, that is the question!

2. My husband: The date day snowboarding and the Christmas shopping together were great. I am so thankful that he is such a wonderful father and husband. We got to spend 5 days in a row with him and enjoyed each one of them. Now if he would just cut that hair!!!! :)

1. My kids: This by far is the greatest thing about the holiday season. The best part of this crazy money filled holiday season is by far the look on their faces Christmas morning looking at presents and the wonder that they show when they see an empty cookie plate! At the end of the day that smile, the thank yous, and the hugs make all of this craziness worth it. And think about it...in 363 more days till we do it all again!

Anniversary Day

2010-12-21T07:39:00.001-08:00

Well I am posting today because I will be celebrating a very special day tomorrow. I will be hitting the slopes of the mountain tomorrow celebrating this special anniversary and won't be here to write about it. Can you guess what anniversary it is????
One year ago tomorrow, I heard the words that nobody wants to hear, "You have cancer". Now if you have read this blog at all you would remember that I really didn't "hear" those words and was so drugged up that it really is a blur. You get the idea though. Last year, I was the reason everyone's Christmas was a little more solemn. I was the reason that there were secret tears at Christmas instead of laughter. If it was up to me, even now, I would go back and hide it from them all (at least till Dec 26)! I felt as if I had RUINED Christmas for everyone. They all were crying and cursing and I...I just wanted to start a treatment plan that day! It was scary and unknown for us all, but I knew that day that my life was going to change! It really did too!

At first, I felt I had ruined Christmas. I soon discovered that I gave it more meaning. I think now especially this year and this day (well tomorrow) will stand out in minds of my family forever and make everyone a little more thankful for ME (just kidding, for each other)!!! What I initially thought of as the biggest curse and the most horrible thing in the world, turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me to date! Calm down I don't mean I want to do it again or that I didn't do my fair share of complaining. I just mean that since hearing those words I have done great things. I have showed myself and anyone watching that, "YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE TILL STRONG IS YOUR ONLY OPTION". I showed all of them (I Hope) that if you can laugh and enjoy having cancer, you really can enjoy ANYTHING. I also have discovered that I love to write. I have debated heavily if I should quit writing on this blog now. I mean I don't have cancer anymore and don't even know if anyone reads this either! What I have decided though is it doesn't matter....if nobody reads this or a million read this, it doesn't matter. I write because I love it and it's in my heart. Wouldn't it be great if we could all find that one thing that we would do in life for free!!! I have thanks to cancer.

Today (and tomorrow) I will continue to be thankful each day I am allowed to open my eyes and hug my kids and my family. I will use what I have gone through to help as many people as I possibly can! I will live and love and most importantly (to me) LAUGH every single day. This Christmas will be the greatest one, not only because I am here but my family doesn't have to watch this fight anymore! I love each and every family and friend that has made a difference in my fight. From cards,phone calls, facebook posts, dinners, and all the way to babysitting each one of you made a difference in my life. Each time I needed a boost, YOU were there to pick me up. I will never be able to repay each of you for these acts no matter the size, but I WILL spend the rest of my time here on this earth trying to pass this on to someone else who needs it!

I hope each person out there looks at Christmas a little different this year even if it's only for a minute. Be thankful for what you have and TELL them. The greatest gift you can give someone this year is to tell them how they changed your life!

One year ago (tomorrow) I heard the words that nobody wants to hear but those words are the ones that changed my life. The view from the top of this mountain was worth every step I took to get up to the top!

Screams from the morning

2010-12-17T07:32:00.001-08:00

Oh how I love the sounds of screaming in the morning.....

I think it is funny how I attempt to have this normal little life, but it is so not even close. I often feel I am in a house full of divas!

Lets talk hi its deacon.how are you doing.what are you doing.
This is what happens when you walk away from a laptop in my house...6 year old bloggers......

Well as I was saying through the screams of the morning... Aren't kids wonderful! My son was sick ALL DAY yesterday and spent the entire day on the couch. Today he is 75% better but is making up for giving me one day of quiet. Today he and his sister have some make up fighting to do, and oh boy are they ever. They have fought about who is standing too close to each other, TV choices, facial expressions made to each other, and any other item possible. It is wonderful. No really it is. If my life was not like this I really would not have much to write about! :)

My daughter is a 3 year old drama queen. Her most recent performance was this morning. She decided that she was ready to eat breakfast and her servant (ME) was not moving very fast. After asking for cake mix for breakfast and being denied three times she huffed, scowled, and dramatically went to the fridge for some sausage. Before settling on sausage she did throw her hair back and say "I QUIT" and turned the light off on me.....what she quit exactly I don't know! :)

Oh well I am over the moon that I get to stay home here for the next 2 weeks. I am certain there will be many posts of my Vida loca! I will love every second of it! Who knows maybe someone will read this thing one day and this could be my job!? I would never run out of material! In the words of my little diva, "YOU ARE THE BESTEST!" Have a great day!

Someone else's eyes

2010-12-14T07:16:00.000-08:00

I feel as if post-cancer I have someone else's eyes. I have really been trying to think of how to describe these thoughts and this seems to nail it on the head. I am approaching the one year mark of the day I heard those words (well kind of heard them, I was pretty medicated). I was one person this time last year and now I am someone different. I was stripped of all things and now I am doing my best to rebuild it all. Just as if a natural disaster has happened and leveled my home. I can rebuild but it will be different. You can't go back after you have been here and new normals are needed. I am finding myself caring less about the stuff and superficial things that make our world go around. I am caring more about WHAT I do with my time! This goes against so much of what the world seems to think, but I really don't care! I know how limited my time may be here and I want to do so much before it's done! In the process of revising and adding to my bucket list! I have so much to do!

I am going to a concert tonight, Carrie Underwood, who I love listening to. More than than that, I am going with my sisters and mom. The concert will be fun but the memories we will make along the way will be so much better! I may have someone else's eyes but I still have all the things that make me who I am.

Best Christmas Pageant Ever

2010-12-10T07:24:00.000-08:00

No holiday season would be complete without a preschool Christmas pageant. It is the highlight of my young child years. I only have a few of these left and I love them so much. These things are great because there is singing, dancing, acting, overacting, and no acting! There is always the kid that sings the song louder than everyone else slightly off key. There are the kids that say, "No that's not the right line". There are those who refuse to participate and those who you could not drag them out of the spotlight. Sounds a lot like adults doesn't it? We have have all of these personality types too!

Last nights program certainly did not disappoint. There were all of the typical preschool Christmas pageant kids. It was great. One of my favorites was the boy whose mom said "Hi" as he walked down the isles of the church. She was taking a picture of course and he looks at her so irritated and said, "MOM I gotta go now!" I also missed but heard about a great fight between two lovely little angels on the stage. It was broken up and only scowls were exchanged instead of tears. I am bummed I missed that one but I hear it's on tape.

Let's not forget my little angel....or diva whichever. When she first entered the stage area she had her typical fingers in her mouth. Then they did an angel dance and she was right at home on that stage. When the angels headed up the isle they all pretended to fly down the isles (great picture opp right?). Well after all of the others flew down the isle I kept looking for Miley. She was the last one. Ok no big deal, but I still could not see her. There was a long break in angels and it looked like that was it. I started to wonder where she was. Right about that time I see her in the foyer looking around at flowers, talking to one of the shepherds and just generally doing her own thing. One of the teachers realized she had not gone and grabbed her. She walked slow down the isle and when she saw me she stopped and smiled. When she finally made it to the stage to sing her songs she stood there with her hands folded in front of her and her head tilted to the side and smiled the whole time. Well that in between every minute or so waving saying, "hi mom, hi grandma, and hi deacon" (she couldn't see dad and grandpa videotaping on the sides) She belted her songs and did her actions that went along and did great.

Now you would think the funny part would all be from the preschoolers but I did take a 1st grader with me too! After the fifteen minutes of him asking me every 30 seconds if it was time to start, asking if I had gum, and when did we get to have the cookies, the show started. During the show I do have give him credit he was really good. Now when we hit the cookie table that is when the good must have ran out of gas. He and my daughter grab like 5 cookies and then say, "we want cake". They did not eat all of that if you are wondering. :)

The evening was wonderful and I could not have asked for a better show! I am so thankful that my wonderful kiddos give me such great stories to tell! It really was the Best Christmas Pageant Ever!
"

Sigh of Relief

2010-12-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

Big Sigh of relief today!

The roller coaster I have been on for the last week has finally come to an end. Last week I discovered another lump right around my scar site. I attempted to remain calm, but this is no easy feat when you have been through what I have been through in the last year.
The lump has been checked out by several wonderful doctors and it is nothing of concern. What a weight lifted off my already heavy shoulders. I am so happy about this that I am completely ignoring the fact that my wonderful puppy has destroyed my carpet. It's just stuff. It's my stuff, but whatever, i am too happy to care right now.

I really am hoping that in the next years ahead that the panic mode doesn't kick in every single time I feel something strange. I am sure it will, but it is a nice thought to think that I can remain calm. I will fight again if needed but I sure would like to refrain from chemical warfare for at least a full year!!! When I was going through cancer I would never have told anyone that it was bad. Now that I am not in the middle of it... I can see just how bad it really was and how bad I felt. I just kept in control of my outlook and everything went better than expected. I wonder if it's because I had no idea what to expect. Oh well, lessons were learned and I feel better for it. that really is all that matters! :)

Life is changing for me yet again. I can't say why just yet, but the winds of change are blowing me in a new direction. I am finally going to take my own advice and do something that I have been wanting to do. How it will all pan out....I have absolutely no idea. That, I think, is the best part. What a journey it has been so far. I have laughed, cried, been angry, and inspired. I hope that the new chapter will be filled with all of these too. I love a good story!

Is the grass greener?

2010-12-02T18:21:00.000-08:00

Well the grass is always greener on the other side isn't it? That's what they say anyway! My dad had a million of them. In the last year I have really come to see these in full light. There are so many old sayings that have stuck in my mind over the years. It makes me think of my parents words that I once mocked. Oh come on you know the ones like, "If I have to turn this car around...", and "Nothing good happens after midnight". I remember these sayings like it was yesterday that my parents muttered them to me over and over and over.

These sayings, that I am certain were given to them by their parents, have stuck around for good reason. Think about it....what good REALLY happens after midnight??? As a teen, NOTHING! As an adult, AGAIN NOTHING!!! When do you think all the Dui's happen, kids get sick, or thoughts run aimlessly though your mind.

Then there is my favorite "Do I have to turn this car around?" This always makes me laugh because I have used this as a parent. It really is a great tool to keep your kids in line on long car rides isn't it? Well at least until they get smart and say, "yes...we wanna go back!!!" :) Think about it, do you really want to say that when you have just left like Disneyland or it's equivalent to your kids??? I don't think so! This one has stuck around for good reason too, but it is a different reason than the first. The first was true, so it made through multiple generations. The second however, this is just a "payback" from your parents. It is their attempt at "I told you so humor"! As soon as we use this and it backfires what do we do? We call our parents and thank them for putting up with so much. This is a "parental insurance policy". They paid their dues for many years and this saying is a guaranteed bet that you WILL appreciate what they did for you!

Then there is that grass. It will never be as long, short, green, or as thick as your neighbors. This saying always will ring true to me. I remember having no hair after chemo began. I had two wonderful handpicked wigs. The wig hair was never the wrong color, cut, and I hand picked them. One day I decided that I didn't like my hair as much as my friends hair. Really? I can't help but laugh because when I had hair I hated it. When I lost my hair I wished it would come back. And now that it is back, well take a wild guess on my thoughts on it! This saying is not only true for hair, bodies, houses, and stuff but life as a whole. Why can't we just be SATISFIED with what we are given? That is why this life lesson has survived because it speaks so much to life.

Whether your grass is green, you turn the car around, or are enjoying the wonders of after midnight just remember one little thing....Life is made up of powerful moments that can teach us so much. Take each one for what it is worth and learn from them all. You will then realize that the grass maybe greener somewhere else, but your grass is YOURS!!!!!

Kids #2

2010-11-30T19:46:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here this evening after a long day of kids fighting, snow falling, running kids to schools, working, and I am glad to be done!

My kids feel for some reason that each time they come into the presence of each other that they need to find something to argue about. I thought I would be spared of the drama because they are 3 1/2 years apart, but I guess nobody is exempt. They argue about everything and anything. At times I am lucky and only get physical fights to break up but they always result in massive tears.

I can't help but wonder if I should laugh or cry at this moment because as I sit here typing I am not breaking up fights or being the referee to an argument. I am typing and looking at my two greatest creations sitting right next to each other arms around each other watching TV. It is the reminder needed at the end of a long day that I have everything I could have ever hoped to have. Ciaos or not it is mine!

Holiday thoughts

2010-11-25T06:44:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all. I am thankful today for many reasons but one I am sure most of you will think is crazy. I am thankful for one year ago today that I found a lump that changed my life. The day before thanksgiving last year I was a normal mom, wife, and woman. I thought my life was great. I chauffeured kids, argued with them, and had what one would consider a 'typical life'. Then that day rolled around and all was changed. I have learned the most important lessons so far this year and for that, I am thankful.
I have learned in this last year how to see good in EVERY single thing that happens in life. I have learned that we are not here forever. I have learned that time stands still, drags on, and flies by all at the same time. I have learned that we as people are never satisfied with anything and always want what we don't have. I have learned that we all are connected with each other and sometimes the things we say can change lives forever. (If that is true then shouldn't we always act as if we are changing something everyday!) I also have learned that because our timeline is unclear we should make the most of each day and enjoy the journey. If we spend our whole lives worrying about the path we forget to enjoy the scenery. I have also learned that when you have no other choice you have to become a strong person. I think that the strongest people are not those who can take the most pain, but the one's who learn the most from it. If you learn something from every life experience aren't you then really living?
I am so blessed to have the most amazing family and friends that any person could ever ask for. I am also both blessed and thankful that I am able to have another day here on this earth. I know that life is constantly changing and we may never have again what we have today, but on this day let us give thanks for those who ARE here and think of the great memories of those who are not. Have happy holiday season.

Lucky Me

2010-11-20T06:51:00.000-08:00

Last night as I was being told for the fifteenth time that day that "I am the best mom ever" I thought....I am the luckiest mom ever. I am sure every mom thinks that but they aren't writing on blogs, I am! That means I get to tell you why I am so lucky. :)

I feel as if I have been given a second chance. I know this may sound strange because I was not KNOCKING on deaths door or anything, but compared to life last year....let's just say, I know where the house is! So with this chance to redo I have learned some valuable lessons. Some of these lessons I have been given over and over and over and over and still can't get them right.

One of these lessons is patience. I am still not great at this, but oh how I have practiced. The newest lesson that I already knew but am not great at is, 'Things are just Things'! Oh boy did I practice this one this week. Let's start with my clothes. I have spilled more on myself than I have made in my mouth. I even managed to get mascara on my shirt?? How does one do that!? Then their is my kids clothes. The cute little outfits that poured my money into have rips, stains, and most recently MARKER! I apparently have a budding artist that simply cannot contain her creativity! Then there is my furniture. I have two super cute dogs, but one is a puppy...need I say more! My yard that was once a beautifully sodded oasis is now filled with holes. Maybe they are just helping me to get the swimming pool I wanted??? Then the couch that I also poured in many hard earned dollars....let's just say we had a snow storm of couch stuffing. (NOT ONCE but THREE times!!) Then to finish this great story off that budding young 3 year old artist found a marker yesterday. She felt that her brothers room was not decorated enough and helped out by making pictures on the walls, closet doors, lamp shade, and the furniture!

Today I want to thank God for helping me learn these valuable lessons in life and ask that he please let them stop now. I get the point! I will now patiently wait for these lessons to be over!!! :)

In all honesty, in the moment I was less than thrilled at these things. Now, I swear, I think it is pretty funny. Don't tell anyone...oops too late for that! Things really are just things at the end of the day. They won't keep you company, they won't cheer you up when you have had a bad day, and they won't tell you after doing all these things that "YOU ARE THE BESTEST MOM IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD". Lucky me!

Mammo fun

2010-11-20T06:34:00.000-08:00

Oh mammograms how I love thee, let me count the ways.......

1. The thing they call a gown is really not a gown at all. It is more like a piece of bad fabric with one snap button at the top. (oh,that snap will help keep you covered)

2. The fact they even give you a "gown". This is a humorous concept too. There really is no need for modesty at this point is there. I mean they have seen one and will see the other in a few short squishes....

3. The squishing....need I say more. They are squished till it takes your breath and then they say, OK HOLD YOUR BREATH....TOO FUNNY!

4. The stickers. These are for scars, moles, and a few other spots :) These are actually more painful to pull off at the end than the squishing! That must be why they do it that way. Then when people say, "oh how was the mammogram?" They say, "GREAT" (pain is all relative right?)

5. After the "girls" have been through 2 kids, surgeries, and everything else they have been subjected to...what is a few painful squishes. After all they tried to kill me, so....this is least of their ways to make it up to me. (See therapy has helped me to forgive) They are lucky they are still here! I could have traded them in for a younger model....there is still time! :)

Thankful

2010-11-18T15:07:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is coming up and I am filled with mixed emotions. Almost one year ago this journey began! I can't believe how crazy of a ride this last year was. I am going to be the most thankful person this year. I am thankful for the obvious (my family, a wonderful husband, and my great friends. I am also thankful for my health this year. I am thankful for the this year filled with change and growth. I am thankful that I am now able to help others the way that so many stepped in to help me.
Thanks to each of you who have cared for my family.

There is one more major thing to be thankful for today...a clean bill of health for 3 more months. Mammogram was good today and hopefully the MRI results will say the same in the next few days. It is hard to go in there without being anxious, but it is what it is! No matter what my future will hold I will be fine. I will fight and live thankful EVERY day for the rest of my life.

Keep trying

2010-11-12T07:45:00.000-08:00

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
Winston Churchill

I really needed this one today. I keep thinking that I may not be doing the right thing. I dump all my time into this non profit and the return right now is lots of doors slamming in my face. I feel like myself and a handful of others are the only ones who care. I get like this when doors are shut in my face over and over. I think though that my husband is actually a smart guy (I know....) He told me last night that I should keep fighting for those who can't. I will not stop trying to bring awareness and resources for YOUNG women to this community. They don't know (or care) what it is like to be 30 years old in the prime of your youth and BOOM you have a disease that could KILL you! I think that if they could only feel that struggle they too would see these things are needed. I try not to take it personal because it is just what everything around here comes down to...MONEY! So if it's money they want...Money they will get! I will get this childcare for patients done if I have to build it MYSELF. I have failed over and over but I will not let these bumps in the road keep me from trying.

On another note, I am headed today to my DAY OF BEAUTY at the salon that I won as a prize. I get a hair cut and color (yes I finally have enough to cut!!! This is a big day to me!) I get a mani/pedi and a massage! I can't wait and the company will be great too. I love her she is fun!

Have a great day and KEEP TRYING no matter what!!!

Fighting Myself

2010-11-07T15:41:00.000-08:00

I realize I have not been posting so much. I guess the therapy sessions with the whole world are winding down. Maybe I don't need therapy anymore??? I am so busy being a mom, holding a job, cleaning my house, and, oh yeah, running an up and coming non-profit organization. I think I ran myself in the ground doing too many things, and therefore was sick the entire week last week. I decided to allow myself some rest (still very hard for me) and I have to say, I do feel better. Physically anyway! :)

I am fighting a battle each and every day right now, with myself! I have beat cancer and come out of this thing changed. I mean, how could you not, right?! I want something so bad right now that it is the ONLY (no seriously) the ONLY thing I think about all day! You would think because I feel so strongly about this that all I would need to do is just do it right? Nope, I wish it were that simple. There are many other things involved that complicate this choice. Each and every decision we make in our lives leads us to where we are. I know in my heart it is the right thing to do, but...it is not that simple. This choice is in front of me every single day. It the first thing I think about, the last thing I think about, and the path I KNOW in my heart is right. Then why so hard? I wish I knew because then I could stop processing it here in "online therapy" and just be happy. One thing I did learn is that Life is WAY to short and I don't want to miss a second of it!

This weekend cancer took another person from this world. My heart breaks for the family and I think about how I was spared this fate. I know that I am here for a reason. I think I may even know what that reason is, but....how do you really know? How do you really know that you are meant to do something? Is it when that is all you can think about, talk about, and want to do? How can someone be so confident in their path, that they take risks just to get on it? Is that what faith really is? Jumping out towards that path, when you don't even know for sure it exists? Maybe? I wish I knew but I am just a person trying to process a difficult choice in front of the whole world! Maybe I need real therapy! :) At least I can laugh at this time of chaos. I will ALWAYS remember to laugh each day...it is the only way we stay sane!

The more I write the more I become convinced in my choice. Is this even a choice or is this just a lack of courage from me? In all my experiences so far when something just keeps falling in to place and working out for you....it's right! Guess I need to find that Tough Guy that I write about! Funny how you can write about things, tell others what they should do, but for some crazy reason you can't always take your own advice. I know what I would tell myself to do....do I have the guts????

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Sick

2010-11-04T09:23:00.000-07:00

I've been sick this whole week and am wishing I could snap out of this thing. Lungs apparently are very important to your body and when they don't work...not good.
I hate being sick and try as much as humanly possible to ignore it when I am. This time however after pretending for three days that I was fine, I decided to go to the doctor. Respiratory infection...yuck. I like breathing so I decided to rest, drink water all day, and stay home. Mostly I did that, but it is hard for me to stop because if I don't do it...most of the time it won't get done. Oh well there is a time for everything.

I had a nice conversation the other day....

Me: "I feel like I am gonna die" (this is dramatic I know, but i just meant that I felt horrible)

Friend: "Really??" (laughter like crazy)

Me: "What?" (scrunched face wondering what was funny about that)

Friend: "Didn't you just beat cancer? That didn't take you so I don't think a cold will either." (laughing still)

Me: "Yeah but this is way worse" (laughing hysterically at my comment by this point)

Friend: (She thinks I am crazy) Shakes her head and keeps walking

It is all relative right? Sick is half mental and half actually being sick!
Today I am starting to feel better but still not great. I may try to rest today???

On another note, I am very thankful for my life today. I am still going rounds with a difficult choice, but I feel with a bit more time it will go my way! I am thankful for the people in my life that have helped me to get to where I am now and I am thankful that each of them know how much they mean to me. If I was not here tomorrow there would be no questions as to how I felt about all of them. Hug your kids, hug your parents, and tell those people that are important to you how you feel about them. Make it a day: Speak your heart day! If they were gone tomorrow would they know how you felt...give them a great gift and tell them!

Pinktober Recap

2010-10-31T13:01:00.000-07:00

Well this community did not disappoint. The FBW PINKTOBER Fest last night was a huge success and so much fun. The place was packed, the band was great, and the costumes...they were too funny! I am sitting here today processing this great event and beaming with pride. I am so happy to be getting this non profit off to such an amazing start!

The community has such great resources for cancer patients but for those of us who are younger with this disease there are a few things that would make life easier. There are so many out there who are in need of help and I am so excited to finally start doing something about it!

Thank you to all who came to Pinktober fest and supported this organization. I am especially thankful to those who helped make this event even possible. I am the lucky one who gets the glory at the end, but this event would not have happened without each of these friends :)

Friends come and go but when you become a friend of the bald woman...your there for life! You are all amazing and I am so lucky to have you all in my corner....have a great day!

Let the good times roll

2010-10-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

The time is here....the big FBW Halloween PINKTOBER FEST 2010!!!!! I am so excited for this event. It will be our second and with the success of our first event (the yard sale....on a rainy day) I am sure this will not disappoint for fun or fundraising! :) I am too funny!

I love this quote of the day because it is perfectly fitting for today!

The art of life is to know how to enjoy a little and to endure very much.
William Hazlitt

Let the good times roll! Right?

On the Bald Woman front, I am struggling right now with some difficult decisions in my current life. I feel as if I am at another chapter change of my book of life and I don't know exactly which direction I would or even should go....I have had these moments in my life before and always felt a clear path was laid out. This time I think I know what I need to do, but there is much risk and uncertainty in this choice. I can endure lots of pain, disappointments, and heartaches but now I want to enjoy a little! Only time will tell and I hope my decision is the right one, but really...there is no right or wrong choice just different paths. Sometimes we take the long way around but we always get where we need to be! Why not enjoy the trail instead of worrying if it is the right one???

Amazement

2010-10-24T06:47:00.001-07:00

Success is doing ordinary things extraordinarily well.
Jim Rohn

What a perfect quote for today!

Wow! I am so amazed this morning. We had our first event yesterday, the garage sale. Despite the location change and the rain forecast it miraculously held up and was mostly dry and busy ALL DAY. It beat even my highest expectations that I had! I have been working around the clock with my job, my family, and the FBW stuff. I have been speaking all over the community, teaching extra classes this month, and attempting to maintain my house too! :) It has been a long month for me, but yesterday to see the support of a community really made all my craziness worth it! There were people who came and just did the "garage sale" but there were some that came and went above and beyond and shared their stories too! That is the part I really love. My hope is that this will only get bigger. To have your opening event be so huge and the weather trying to ruin that really shows me that just as in my battle with cancer, I WILL DO THIS AND I WILL DO IT WELL!

Thank you for the support yesterday. Thank you to all who made donations (some even came in by the truckloads). Thank you to my favorite people in the world (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) for helping me yesterday and keeping up some humor throughout the day! :) I am thrilled that we can finally start doing something to help! Stay tuned!

When do I get a vacation?? How long till summer? :)

Spiderwebs

2010-10-20T07:05:00.000-07:00

We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men.
Herman Melville

We are all connected aren't we. We are each unique individuals that are intricately connected to each other. It still amazes me when I see this first hand. There are people I have met and become friends with, and had I not become friends with them the whole next series of events would not be the same. I would not have my kids, my husband, and many other things that I hold so dear right now. I have figured out that more I understand how this works, the less I really understand! I know this sounds like I am having another one of my "mental moments", but it is true. I just seem to get a hold on things and then....I am right back where I started. Maybe, we are not meant to understand??

Life is busy post-cancer just as it was pre-cancer (and even during cancer)! I think I am crazy some days for taking on so many things, but I know in my heart what I am trying to do is right. I was a 30 year old with cancer and many times I STILL feel as if I am the only cancer patient under 40! I know there are more out there and my hope is that they will find ME! Enough talks, website plugs, or exposure on the radio...they WILL find ME!

To all the people who have come and gone through my life, THANK YOU!

oh yeah....biggest news ever yesterday! Genetic results are in.......NEGATIVE ON ALL COUNTS!!!! (That means I do not have a genetic reason to have had cancer but better yet, MY KIDS do not either!)
That being said....I guess I was just LUCKY!!!!

Weekend winners

2010-10-18T07:18:00.000-07:00

Winning is not everything, but wanting to win is.
Vince Lombardi

Well I must be wanting to win pretty bad these days because I just can't stop winning! First I won the "Day of Beauty" prize from the Cancer Center's breakfast, then we won at Bingo night (well my daughter did), then we won $10 on a scratch ticket (well my husband did), and then to top it all off I won the bid on the silent auction prize I really wanted. I won a private plane ride over the city with 2 other people. Awesome huh....I could have bid on the great baskets and stuff, but this is memories we are talking about here!

The In Step with Hope Tea was Saturday. I was one of their speakers. It was such a wonderful event. It had an amazing breakfast, mimosas, silent auction, and fashion show. Oh yeah and a great speaker...ME! (Just kidding) I decided at this event I would give myself another challenge. I keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone just to see what happens. I know, I am kind of insane. I guess I feel like I can do anything these days and I just want to keep testing out that theory. At the very first event I sang my version of "I will survive". This event however, I decided that I would push the envelope again and sing. I sang one of the most meaningful songs for my life at this time. It is a Sugarland song that talks about Standing back up. I love to sing, but in public is a whole new ball game. I finished my mimosas and just got up and did it! There was certainly fear in my voice but my hope is that people saw past that and listened to my words. Each and every one of them rang so true for me. No matter what knocks us down we have to just stand back up! After the singing part, the rest was easy! I even received a standing ovation??Crazy huh, never had that before. (maybe I should add it to my bucket list and then just check it off!) :)

I have one more speaking event this Wednesday for the Relay for Life kick off. I am excited to keep doing all of these great events. It really is fun! I guess I am just loving the spotlight! :) Now if only my national speaking career (yes career means paid :) not just for fun) would only take off. Maybe that is how I will travel the world and see all these places on my bucket list!

Friends of the Bald Woman is rolling along nicely. We have a yard sale coming up this weekend. I am hopeful that it will be a success. We are also having PINKTOBER FEST, a big Halloween costume party, to raise funds for us too! Our wristbands are on the way and the rest is falling into line quite nicely!

I have so much to be thankful for each and every day! I am so thankful that everything just seems to fall into place! Time will tell the directions we will go, but I am certain that I will enjoy the ride along the way!

HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!

Goals

2010-10-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there.
Bo Jackson

I am so glad this is the quote of the day. For those of you who talked to me yesterday, Thank U! I was having a BAD day and I appreciate all of your words of support to help remind me of what I need to be doing. Some days are just like that and oh boy when it rained, it poured.

Last night after a long day working, doing Friends of the Bald Woman stuff, and running my daughter to dance class I tried really hard to think of something that had gone right. It was actually really hard because yesterday was one of those days where everything seemed to be going all wrong. Today I am looking back wondering if it was all going wrong or I just could not get my perception of things straight. I think it was my perception. The events of yesterday were nothing I haven't dealt with a million times before, but typically I would just brush them aside and move forward. Yesterday...No such luck! It feels as if on those days that the reason for having just one bad thing after another is because that is all you are looking at!

Finally by 8:00 last night I picked out a wonderful thing that happened and only focused on that. For those who do not know, a wonderful radio personality here recorded a PSA for us at Friends of the Bald Woman yesterday afternoon. An hour or so later I was headed home from work and caught the tail end of the ad! What a great way to get our name out there! I was thrilled.

The last few days I have been doubting quite a bit what I am trying to do. I want to help people that have cancer because I KNOW how much these things are needed here in this community. I struggle because I have to now convince a world of this during "Awareness" month. You would think this would be easy, but it is more difficult than I thought. Why don't people understand that 1 out of every 8 women will end up with breast cancer and 8 out of 9 of them HAVE NO FAMILY HISTORY! If you got cancer wouldn't you want support, help, caring people checking in on you, and knowing that you are not the only 30 year old in the town with cancer (sorry that was my issue).

The quote today says set your goals high and don't stop till you are there and that my friends, is what I intend to do!

Awareness or HELP

2010-10-08T07:45:00.001-07:00

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossible before they were done.
Louis D. Brandeis

I raising more than awareness this month folks. I will help these women fight this fight! I realize that people don't just go out start a non profit on somewhat of a whim, but I...am not people! I am a cancer survivor and I believe that now I can do just about anything I feel like! :)

I will do the impossible and change attitudes or I will die trying!

Today I am thankful for being here another day to fight this stupid disease. (or to help others to fight it). We will be raising money to not just create awareness but actually help those who are diagnosed each and every day! Feel lucky it is not you yet, but nobody is exempt from this thing and I am LIVING proof of that. If this happened to you would you want awareness or HELP! Friends of the Bald woman is going to be that HELP so join us!

Have a "magical day" (that is what they say at Disney World and it just doesn't work as well unless you are there!

Just another day

2010-10-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

The screams of kids fighting in the morning make a day start out great! I have two "always right" kind of kids so it makes for some great arguments! They are always so important too, like I am going to school today, NO your not, yes I am, no your not! (get the drift) They argue pretty much every time they are together. I can only imagine what the teen years will hold....can't wait. New thing started today that is too funny. My son decided when I told him no he would say why. (that is not the new part) As I am answering him he covers his ears????? What is this? Didn't he just ask me why?

Does it seem insane of me to want to be here with them more than I am??? I am starting to think so.

I had a genetic test done the other day and I am still waiting for the results. I hope that they are negative because then my risk for certain cancers is pretty much the same as the general public if it's negative. (I kind of feel like no matter what my risk is 50/50. You either get it...or you don't!)

FBW wristbands are on their way. We will sell them for $2. I am working on the t-shirts too. We are having a yard sale on the 23rd and we are doing a FBW calendar and looking for chemo patients to be the stars of this project. I am also planning a Bald Woman Costume Party for Halloween. I realize it sounds like a lot to do and it is, but it needs to be done. I am ready to start helping people. If we have no money then we can't help anyone. I hope that this is successful and I wouldn't have dumped so much of my own money in if I didn't believe in it. We will organize the group for young cancer patients, we will help patients get food, house cleaning, wigs, and even the genetic testing that often is not covered by insurance. We will also raise awareness and hopefully change a few stereotypes along the way. This is all happening while holding a part time job(25hrs a week), being a mom to a 3 and 6 year old, and somehow having a life too. It may take me longer than I would like, but I will do it. That is a fact!

Don't be afraid to take a risk, to go after what you want even if seems impossible. There is nothing that can't be done. You just have to know what you want. I think I finally do!

Like a Cheesestick?

2010-10-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

Today I am so grateful for my kids. They are so wonderful and pretty funny. They must get it from me huh!?
Miley, who is 3, and I were rocking out in the car to one of my current favorite songs. We were singing and dancing to Like a G6. When the song ended however she kept going independently. She starts moving from side to side with the most serious expression and says, "Like a cheese stick, like a like a cheese stick" I have been laughing all morning. Too funny. Maybe I should have fed her lunch before we went out?

Always learning

2010-10-05T07:49:00.000-07:00

Don't go through life, grow through life.
Eric Butterworth

This is appropriate for today! Speaking gig #2 (the high school) went....well, it went. I have never seen such a quiet room of high school students. Am I losing my touch here? My great friend Letty taped it and I watched it back. It was not as bad as it felt up there, but boy when did I age like a generation!? Apparently I did. When did this happen? I am going to try and not beat myself up about it too much today because we have to learn and grow right. I was pleased to see so many students up so early in the morning to be supporting such a worthy cause! I am thankful for the opportunity and for the realization that we are as young as I feel. That being said I think I will stick to survivors and groups who get my "cancer can be funny" kind of humor. I think you can find humor in everything but some maybe just don't understand why I am making light of such a serious thing. It is not that I don't think it is serious (believe me and read my old posts if you don't believe me), but I just wanted them and anyone else to see a different view. We all know the crappy side of cancer. Let's do our best to look something good or find humor where there is little. Positivity will take you far!

Oh well, live and learn, right? Thanks to the High School for letting me come and share a different side of the coin! I hope the Pink Week is extremely successful!

Do things happen for reasons?

2010-10-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

They say things happen for a reason. Today I struggle with this more than before. I thought my life was going to take a turn in a certain direction. It did not.
I now am trying to analyze (or maybe over analyze i am good at that too) what I really want. If I get real with myself I know what it is. I just don't know how to get there. I believe that today is definitely one of those moments that not getting what you wanted may be the best thing that has ever happened, but only time will tell.

Here is what I do know....

I want to be with my kids every second I can. Life is so short and so is our time with them. I want to be a mom first and everything else can take a number.

I love laughing. It makes the world a better place and we need to do it EVERYDAY!

I want to help as many people as humanly possible. I want women of all ages, shapes, sizes, hair type to know and BELIEVE they are beautiful for who they are as a person.

I want to leave a mark here on this earth. I want to leave something that is lasting and permanent.

I want to be thankful for at least one thing each and everyday.

I want to change lives!

So now I have all this great knowledge of what I want to do, NOW WHAT?
The rest as they say "is still unwritten"............

The Unknown

2010-10-04T09:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know what is on the road ahead
I keep going towards the unknown
Been feeling lost and confused
Wondering what it is that I will be shown

I am doing what I think is right
who knows now because it's all a mess
Each time I think I get it
In my head I seem to second guess

I have been on a journey of a million miles
and that path was always winding
I went and went towards what I didn't know
without a doubt or even minding

I feel I climbed a mountain
and made it to see the top
Words can't describe the view up there
so I just begin... and then I stop

They will never know till their lives
take them to this place
I hope for them they get there soon
and see the world's beauty and grace.

So for now I just move forward
toward that unknown place
I see the world with different eyes
but walk with the same smile upon my face.

Friends for Newbies

2010-09-24T16:06:00.000-07:00

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
Dale Carnegie

I love this one. It is so attitude based isn't it? I am so blessed to have both of these. I have what I want and want what I have!! Here is my newest idea.....

The Friends of the Bald Woman is going to begin a group. Many of you who heard me speak the other night heard me say, we are in an "Exclusive Club" that nobody wants to join! Now that we are in it and don't have a choice, we can embrace it, right?

We are going to start linking newly diagnosed cancer patients with those of us who have "been there done that". My plan is to create a database of survivors and "newbies" (which I have already done). Then I will enter those who are interested on either side and link them up with a "Friend". The Friends will send cards, give phone calls every now and then, and if they are local to each other meet up possibly. I think there is great power in having a friend you can call that knows where your at and what you have been through. After all the "Newbies" are just waiting to become "Survivors" right?
If you know a new cancer patient or are one let me know. Same for you "old hats" please let me know if you want to be involved in this project! This is for ALL cancers and for men and women! Heck we could even link it up with children and their families! The possibilities are endless!

Spread the word....

Why having cancer is like being in High Shcool.......

2010-09-21T10:18:00.000-07:00

Why having cancer is like being in High School.......

Dinners are made by other people and all you have to do is eat it!

House is cleaned by someone else (but there is no nagging to do it when you have cancer)

You lay around the house watching TV all afternoon because....YOU CAN

People are constantly calling and "checking in" on you

Friends come and go but just like high school the one's that matter stick with you no matter what

In high school my dad used to always say nothing good happens after midnight, with cancer....same is true...Nothing good happens to you after midnight!

In high school you worry about getting into groups or cliques when you have cancer...you worry about getting out of the "Club"

Being the Homecoming Queen was quickly replaced with being the current reigning Chemo Princess

In high school I had the memory of a blonde, now I have NO memory.

Instead of worrying about Bad Hair Days you worry about NO hair days!

Getting back up

2010-09-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.
H. G. Wells

Oh boy this one is good today. Bruised or not we dust off and get back up again. sometimes we are exhausted and don't want to keep trying. What makes us get up one time or one hundred times? What is it in each of us that says to keep going or quit? In my fight there were a billion times that I thought (in my head) that I was done. I was just going to quit.
I know more times than not I gloss over that sucky part of having cancer. The reason I do that is because the world knows all about that part. The part where you are sitting there unable to move off the couch, the times you are sicker than a long night's hangover, and pains like one will never know. Yes, everyone knows cancer sucks. You lose your hair, sometimes pride, and even some modesty. Everyone knows the horrible stories that are shared of bad doctors, medicines that have negative side effects, and even the lives that this stupid disease proclaims daily. WE KNOW this....Why do we need to focus on that part. Cancer brings people together, cancer brings new perspectives (usually for the better), and cancer brings chances over and over to practice "getting back up"! Cancer brings cool T shirts, house cleaning, and even better food! :) Why don't we relish in these things instead of pining over what it takes from us.... I am just a young kid though, right. What do I know? I am 30 year old mother of two that had a job, kids to LIVE for, and something to prove. Many people out there don't know me, but if they did I (think) they would see that I really try to live my life this way. I want to make a dent on this planet and if I can change a few perspectives along the way....wonderful. Those that don't...I am sorry now for all the pain and suffering that you will endure in your lifetime. We all will have that over and over (it is called life).....but how you choose to deal with it....that is what makes us!
When you have climbed a really big mountain and try to explain what you have seen it will never sound as wonderful as actually being there experiencing it. Each of us has to climb our own mountains and see....my hope is that you don't use your whole life to get to the top!

Do we hate change?

2010-09-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress.
Charles Kettering

It seems as if the only thing that is constant is change??? I have obviously been through tremendous change in the last year but really at many points in my life I have been forever changed. I think it has made me a better person for each one of them.

I am in the midst of change right now. I am trying to develop a new normal now after having gone through such a tiring fight. I never once wanted to give up (I don't think....I may need to go back and read what I wrote in like March huh!?) but there were definitely those days that were more of a challenge to get through. I fought each and every day to live to see the next. Thinking about it that way seems way more dramatic than I felt actually doing it. Sometimes I wonder why people seem to think I did such an "amazing thing" or why they think I am "sooo strong". I am serious. I guess I just felt that I did what needed to be done and tried to look at the good....Is that amazing???? Maybe? I am not trying to downplay those comments or not appreciate them....It just seems as if people do this everyday you know! Now you know I LOVE the attention....so go ahead and keep them coming! I am just thinking out loud I guess!

Now that the fight is over, each day I am blessed to open my eyes feels like it should be having a bit more meaning....I am still here...why, obviously I have some mission or purpose. I am not trying to complain that I am still here but more trying to figure out the why so I can get to doing it. When I addressed that crowd the other night it felt amazing (well after it was done). I don't really remember doing it...it was like I went to auto pilot! :) When it was over there was a great response from people I knew and didn't know. My hope is that they weren't just saying nice things to be kind but that I really was able to change lives or ways of thinking. That is really what I feel I need to be doing. I guess that can be done in any setting, but it was especially gratifying to do it in such a dramatic BW fashion! I told you before the BW is much braver than I am, much more courageous, and much more "with it"! I got to incorporate everything I love music, talking, and attempting to be funny!

I know most wouldn't agree but I really think that having HAD cancer (PAST TENSE) changed me for the better. I am grateful that I got to have this chance to be that change I have been waiting to see!!!! This great change that I once hated has brought me the most progress yet?? Maybe we should not spend so much energy HATING the change rather than just being thankful for what is important. (Those things don't ever change). Establishing that makes life much more meaningful (which is great progress). Guess that guy knows what he is talking about huh???

Kiss Cancer Goodbye

2010-09-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

Wow! What an event last night. I went to the Kiss Cancer Goodbye event last night and had my speaking debut. The event was so well put together and came off with a bang! I had a dozen of my closest friends and family standing there supporting me and we had a great time.

The speech went pretty well. I decided to cross off #4 on the "list of things to do before my time expires" which was sing in public. I was soooo nervous it was ridiculous. Nothing a sip of champagne won't cure right!!? I got up there and did my spiel and hopefully made a few people laugh and think differently about cancer patients and survivors! The speech ended with what was supposed to be my choreographed dance number.....but the stage was not big enough. I decided to put on the beautiful mullet with my bandanna and rock out to I'm a Survivor by Destiny's Child. It was memorable for sure!! :)

I think the thing that was the best for me however was after I finished. The response from people I knew and people I didn't know. They told me about their struggles, triumphs, and humorous stories too! What it really showed me is that we are all people.....we all struggle, we all have triumphs, and we all need humor! I was honored to be the one up there sharing in that victory that each survivor in the room was feeling! My goal was to open eyes to laughter even in times that are scary and I hope that is what I was able to accomplish up there.

What a great night! Thanks to all who came!

Let Susy Sunshine Through...Please

2010-09-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

I love love love this quote. It goes so much with what I believe right now and my current view of life (minus a few bum days)

Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.
Lou Holtz

If only we could all be so lucky as to really know what this means. It is much more freeing to live like that. I will have to say even my Susy sunshine attitude is tested....read yesterday's post if you don't believe me. I am hoping it is just these fabulous meds that they give me. Mood altering and all I will quit them if it takes that positive attitude away. I would rather have cancer again then go back to the negative, woa is me, and everything is wrong kind of life. I will chat with the doc next week and see if these mood swings are a side effect or if I am just having an off day/week! Lets hope for the latter. We welcomed a new puppy into our home last week also (maybe potty training,chewing, and just being a puppy are making me have this mini crazy moment)

Oh well, Today is so far so good. Lets ride these moods like a roller coaster! I am getting really excited to speak at the Kiss Cancer Goodbye event on Wednesday. I have a little something prepared...let's see if my nerves of steel will cooperate with my idea! Very busy these days trying to get the Friends of the Bald Woman up off the ground. I think time will tell....I will do my best to keep this thing going and the ideas are rolling in my head. In my experience, when something just starts falling together so easily...let it! It is probably going to be a good thing. Will have our first meeting after this event next week. I am hoping to bring the pink toilet to the event to maybe get some sign ups for businesses to host it.

The sun is shining and hopefully Susy will be pushing through today. (This really makes me sound like I have multiple personalities doesn't it????)

Caios

2010-09-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

My life feels as if it is in a huge snowball rolling down a hill. It is going faster and faster and I am stuck in the middle gettting more and more buried in it. I am praying for a road block to just let it stop for a minute so I can see where the heck I am. I am feeling like I don't know who I am anymore. I have so many responsiblities and I am pulled in 100 different directions everyday! My question is nothing has changed (except me) and I have less to deal with now than before, so why?
I am still processing that thought. You would think one would be over the moon and thankful every second of each day that they are cancer free. I am and I do, but I still have these moments where I get pissed off that I even have had to deal with this. Why? It is over!
From what I have read and talked with others I know this is normal, but for a few days I have really felt like Susy Sunshine (my normal persona) is gone and Negative Nelly is all I am left with. I feel better when I laugh, but haven't been laughing much lately. Need that back again for sure. I had to quit the gym which was the only thing keeping me sane (my running and training).Additionally, fall is in full swing and I am so wrapped up in working and slowly heading right back down the path of losing what made this journey so memorable. I set out to be the "best cancer patient" there was and to break the "sterotypes" that people have of cancer patients. Now....I guess I am just left with me again. I want to help others and really have passion for that but it is so quickly getting snowballed and pretty soon I will be at the bottom of the mountain with too much around me to get out!
I realize this is not in true bald woman fashion, but today I felt it was important to share this because I am just like everyone else with ups and downs. My famous quote that I made up is "Life has ups and downs but it is how we choose to deal with them that makes us who we are."
I should take my own advice from time to time!! :)
Feeling better allready I guess.

Ironically here is the quote of the day today,
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
Michael Jordan

I guess we can all persevere over whatever we are going through and the positive mind that I have is just being tested right now. I have more power than I realize over my current status and the sooner I can come to the realization of that....the sooner I can enjoy what I really am wanting to do!!!! Watch out world because I have somehow just given myself a pep talk while I was writing and now I am ready to be the change I wish to see!!!!!

Make the difference

2010-09-09T07:37:00.000-07:00

Quote of the Day
It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference.
Tom Brokaw

Oh this could not be more fitting to my current life!!! I am struggling to find balance right now. Balance between my work and home, balance between my financial security and my passion, and just simply create a new "normal". I never dreamed it would be so difficult. Maybe I am having a Pre-Mid-Life Crisis??? :)

I guess we never know if we are making a difference untill after we have made it. Does that mean that EVERYTHING we do should be with that purpose in mind???

Back to Reality

2010-09-05T08:37:00.001-07:00

Well here is an update on the busy "back to reality" bald woman. I went to the Oncologist on Tuesday and got my Tamoxifen that I will now be taking daily for the next 5 years. I guess when I am taking meds or pumping crap or zapping this stuff is when I actually feel protected. She and I talked and I have a 17% chance of the cancer returning. Pretty great odds you might say....to me honestly...it is all 50/50. I like to think that it will never return but I will not spend my life worrying if it will because that ultimately means Cancer won the fight. If you live your life in fear of cancer you are not really living and it has won! I will think of it from time to time and then let it pass. I will continue to make each day count and let the people around me know how much I care.
I will help others and the slow start of the Friends of the Bald Woman will not stop me from doing something that NEEDS to be done. We have way too many people that have cancer and too many need help. I will help these people no matter what. I want to help some local people, help our local cancer center, and then even allot some to big time groups. We are all doing the same thing, but my goal is to take care of people here first. I have some promising leads of really big contacts but it is becoming a lot harder to do this and work and be mom and house cleaner and....whatever else.
We will have our first meeting soon to get things rolling.

Big news: I have been thinking lots about what I would most love to do with life. I really wish writing was my full time job because I really love doing this now. I also would love to talk...I know big shocker those who know me...me, talking???? I have been given the opportunity to speak at the KISS CANCER GOODBYE EVENT (they have a facebook page, check them out) I can't tell you how excited and nervous I am for this. You give me a mic and....let's just say they will probably need a hook. I am hoping to get a few more of these and maybe my speaking career will take off. :) Who knows the directions we will travel but we will be fine as long as we enjoy the ride and check out the scenery along the way!! Those in WA should come check it out...I will try to sneak in a few unexpected surprises!!
Reality is what YOU make it so if this is really what I want....YOU WILL see me on some talk show one day. Get on board now before I become famous and don't have time to meet you anymore :) I love dreams!!!!

Pray for peace

2010-09-02T06:20:00.000-07:00

Sorry but today brings a more sobering post. Two families from my hometown have just received the most devastating news that their loved ones have passed on. Although I was not close with either, I feel their pain like it was my own. One family lost a friend, son, and father at way too young of an age. The other lost their 2 year old child to cancer. I can barely keep tears from eyes just to write about this today. I realize that we all have a plan and that when our time is up we are the one's in a better place, but it seems so unfair. As someone who has had cancer thinking about a little girl at 2 years old dealing with this....why is all I can come up with. I have a 3 year old and I can not even imagine the pain that these parents must be dealing with. I am 100% she is in a better place looking down at them but prayers today go with the parents and families of these two people. I am so sorry for each of these families losses and I pray for them just as if it was my own family. I read a blog that the mom started and the facebook page of the other and so many posts about the wonderful things that they had done. I was glad to see so many that knew them and some that didn't sharing prayers with each of these families. My prayer today is for peace for the families and the knowledge that their loved ones have changed lives around them whether we knew them well or not. It will definitely make me continue to live each and every day that I am blessed to wake up and be here like it is my last, hug my kids more than my 1000 times I already do a day, and tell each and everyone around me how they have changed my life for the better.
RIP Mackenzie Brownlee
RIP Josh McCandless
Peace be with you and your families.

Back to the Grind

2010-08-31T06:57:00.000-07:00

Well my son is officially a first grader today and I am officially another year older (as of yesterday). What a crazy 30th year I had. I expected it to be painful to turn 30 but that.....woah! 31 will be much better. As for my son, all day at school with lunch and 2 recesses....life is good for us today!

Life just has that way of going on doesn't it? Wether you want it to or not the days keep rolling. I am having an especially hard time returning to work this year. The worst part is I really love my job, but I love my kids much more. I figured by the end of summer I would be ready (like I was last year) to return to my part time job. Nope no luck. I have said many times before, I feel like a different person dropped off in my old life and trying to make the two match up again...it's harder than I thought. Believe it or not I miss the fighting, the constant taxi cab that I drove, and worrying about what to make for dinner. I hate that I am not there. I have figured out the best scenerio that I can for my hours (which are pretty flexible) and I am hoping that I will get over this as we move into the new year. Change is still hard for anyone, even someone who has been through a billion of them the last year.

I will stick to my motto of "Keep moving forward" and be hopefull that something big is waiting for me just around the corner. I will never get to the corner if I don't keep moving right....I feel it is close, but time will tell. Have a great first day back!!! (unless you never stopped) :)

I'M BAAAAACK!!!!!!!!

2010-08-26T06:43:00.000-07:00

Did you miss me???

The vacation was AMAZING! It will be hard to give you the highlights because all of it truely was great....but it true BW fashion I will break it down to our highlights!

1. The Drive: Ok, so I knew we were going far...I wanted to go just a bit further than we would normally go...well...let's just say it was about 10 HOURS door to door! Wait wait wait...this includes stopping, the countless potty breaks for our children (all 5 of which ranged from 15 months to 8). To top that fabulous drive off our DVD player broke on the last trip! We attempted to buy another but the one we wanted....SOLD OUT. What do you do??? To my great amazement (which always seems to happen with these kids)they...were fine. Oh what did we do before DVD??? I will tell you....read, sleep, play, talk, and FIGHT! And that....is what they did for a whopping total of 20 HOURS!

2. The Rental Home: WOW! I knew this house would be amazing...that is why I chose it. Pictures do not do justice to the craftsmanship and uniqueness that went into building this home. There were fossils in the wall, trees growing through the house, and everything was eco friendly. The setting couldn't have been more perfect with a creek for a backyard, firepit for roasting, sauna for relaxing, and hammock to lay around in all day. We had the street lined with fresh blackberries we could pick and eat each day...wow! Now that all being said....here is the humor.... ok we get there to our 3 bedroom home for our 3 families and the 2 upstairs are amazing...beds hang from the ceiling and really cool. The house talks of the loft with a king bed, double bed, and futon....all true TECHNICALLY! The "LOFT" is mattresses on the floor in the top of each bedroom with a head clearance of 3 feet (maybe). You go in each room and climb a tree to get to it and then IF and only IF you can get up there you are right in the bedroom of your friend or family....Well you might say...hey I thought there was a 3rd bedroom you should just take that....We did but it also doubled as our only room to watch TV! We pulled a mattress out of the loft brought it down and 2 of our family slept on the floor and 2 on the wonderful Couch/Fouton! Oh the memories we make!

3. The Drive to the Home: This is actually a separate highlight. The drive was just reffering to the time to get to Coos Bay....the home wasn't exactly in Coos Bay per say... We drove for 45 minutes on a dirt road past ALL civilization, STORES, and CELL SERVICE! We decided before we left to bring the "dry goods" with us and then hit the store to get the stuff that couldn't make the drive. Well, we did not anticipate our lack of desire to return to town after the 45 minute drive on narrow gravel road at 20 mph.....so our "First Feast" was cheese sticks, yogurt, snack crackers and the adults ate salami and cheese sandwiches on the half of loaf of bread we had....ahhh the memories made!

4. The Waterfalls: This was amazing...there were several trails you could take to hike. We took them all. My favorite however was the last one on the last day...We hiked to 5200 feet to the top of the waterfall we had been looking at. it really reminded me of what I have been doing this last 6 months..The road was long, at times hard (especially carrying a 2 year old), and we were often unsure....but when we reached the top.....that is when it became worth it all! The pictures once again will not show the beauty that I saw that day and the feeling I had looking at those two mountains that I just climbed. It was so inspiring to me and hope to everyone else that was with us!

5. The Change: Another wonderful highlight for me was watching our video game and tv junkie children discover the "playground" they were living in. They went from not really knowing what to do outside to never being in. They created games, discovered nature (slugs, snakes, and crayfish), and were in the creek exploring. This transformation was priceless!

6. "ROD" Survivor Man: OMG...this was by far the funniest....My husband transformed into a survivalist on this trip along with the other guys. BUT my husband had a headband (the bandana) and a Stick that he was trying to carve with his fillet knife (because I failed to buy him a "Big Rambo Sized Knife" when I went to the store the first day...oh yeah it was Safeway by the way) This turned into a nickname that was origianlly for his stick but now his name...ROD SURVIVIOR MAN!!

Well there are a million other funny and priceless memories that I could have shared but these by far are the highlights....
It was a privilage to go on such a great vacation with my sister and fam and my best friends and fam. I had a great time and I look forward to making some more crazy memories on our next trip. I don't know, however, if any of them will allow ME to choose our destination agaian??????? Have a Memorable day everyone!

Got Cancer??

2010-08-19T07:28:00.000-07:00

NOPE!!!!

As I am sure you could imagine this is my focus for the next few days. I will apologize now for going on about it, but so much of my life has been wrapped up in cancer that now I have to celebrate and then move on. Bigger and better things are waiting for me right around the corner. This is actually the time when it is hitting me the most (what I just endured). I think that being a survivor is great, wonderful in fact, but it is difficult to explain. I feel like a different person dumped back into my old life. I just have to re-prioritize things again and undoubtedly I view things differently. Anyone remember Office Space after he gets hypnotized???? :)
Here is the other funny part, I am not scared anymore of things. I guess it's because you have just pumped crap in your body, brushed closer to death than most, and you see your strength in action! I don't mean I want to go take crazy risks or anything like that, just not going to live life afraid to do what I want! I want to have a life full of memories to share and to leave all those around me long after I go. I am not afraid to try new things or to follow what my heart is telling me is right! NO FEAR!!!(They really should bring those shirts back!! Just kidding)

The biggest change I have seen happen is the more positive I have become in my life the more things have gone well. Attitude is everything. We are going on a nice, well deserved, and relaxing vacation on Saturday....can't wait. I am so thankful for having had cancer (OK chill out) Here is why....I have an opportunity to do what I have always wanted to do help people. What an honor. The lessons that I have now can help change a large portion of my life not just the last few years. Lastly, I am truly happier right now believe it or not!

Have a wonderful day...check out the George Strait song called "The Breaths You Take" ....really good song to help everyone remember what is important in life!!!!(I may have posted this one before, but chemo brain has got me down at the moment still)

Great quote today too.....

He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.
Muhammad Ali

A Survivor Today

2010-08-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

Today is the day I have been waiting for
it is the one in which I say I have cancer no more

I have had pain, tears, and moments of doubt
been pushed, beaten, and done without

I have had great joy, laughter, and moments love
seen peace and happiness sent from above

I have learned to let life come as it is but never give up
keep your head high and look at the half full cup

Strength is what you get when you have no other choice
It's when you rise to the top and become the one with the voice

I am so happy today the doctors are gone
With a new outlook I will continue to be strong

I hope, I pray, and I live life this way
I am a CANCER SURVIVOR TODAY!

PInk Party

2010-08-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

Well the PINK PARTY was great. I had a chance to thank everyone who supported me throughout this journey! I had a great time and love every second of so many guys that never would wear pink...wearing pink. I showed off the pink toilet and even raised the Friends of the Bald Woman's first bank entry!!! The best part was seeing so many wonderful people come together and be so positive about something so.... fill in your own word there! We had pink drinks, pink food, and pink stuff everywhere. It was so fun you better save your shirts because I am going to do it again as an annual party. Friends of the Bald Woman has a scrapbook of anyone that donates and wants their picture in the book. The "Friends Flushing" will travel with the toilet. We may even put it on lawns and have people pay to get it off the yard!! Big plans ahead...the traveling toilet, the MOM PROM, breast cancer month is coming up too, and of course planning the next pink party (that will be held somewhere larger). Let's hope for a great first year!

Thank you again to each and every one of you who helped this journey to be more bearable. I know you will never know the difference you have made on my life but I am changed forever. It is your love and support that helped me and has now driven me to show that same feeling to as many others as possible. Nobody should have to do this alone!
Have a Pink-a-licious day!!!

49, by the way, is how many times I went and had some form of poison given to me to get better. If win after that...your never gonna take me out!

Scarred

2010-08-12T07:09:00.000-07:00

I am scarred from head to toe
some of which nobody will know

I've been beaten and tossed about
so low you couldn't hear me shout

I have climbed a mountain that was so high
pushed and pushed to touch that sky

I am at the top with the most amazing view
looking out at a beauty that is true

I have changed on this monumental climb
My soul now is ready to shine

Share with all this great glory
and give them all a wonderful story

I am scarred still from head to toe
but I have more than you'll ever know

Insurance

2010-08-12T06:57:00.000-07:00

Here is the dilemma of the day. Is it better to have 2 insurances just in case (but have none of your paycheck) OR have 1 good insurance and pay your co pays as needed (but keep a LOT more of your money each month)????
Remember I HAVE HAD CANCER!!! I have now seen the benefits of multiple insurances!!! When it costs anywhere from 20,000 plus for items on your insurance claims you start to think of this much more!!! I wish I knew if this was gone forever!!! Where is a good old blood test when you need it!?

FBW

2010-08-10T07:22:00.000-07:00

Friends of the Bald Woman (FBW) is coming along nicely....We will be having our first mini-event at my PINK PARTY on Saturday. I am going to bring out the pink toilet and see what happens. I have a book for all those that want their picture taken on the pink toilet. There will be a donation fee for the pic and hopefully Friends of the Bald Woman will be rolling! The master business app is in and paid for so now we wait again! Why is my life so full of hurry hurry hurry and WAIT WAIT WAIT!?

Next plans, fill out the Charitable org and then have our first board meeting. We need a website. I have friends of the bald woman bracelets that I will sell and the little plaques too. We will have fundraisers throughout the year and I can't wait to get some media coverage on this pink toilet...thanks Sasha for your great idea :)
Once the money starts to come in we can start collaborating with house cleaners and food places to actually start helping people! Watch out world here we come! Anyone friends with Oprah??? Elen??? anyone famous??? :)

have a great day and smile at 15 people today!!!!

Back to work today

2010-08-09T06:31:00.000-07:00

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
Carl Sagan

Are you the something? Maybe it is the Friends of the Bald Woman???
I hope so. I have invested some of my own money in this business and I really want to see it work. I am filling out the last two sets of registrations (there are 3 places in which you have to pay and register....wouldn't it be easier with just one?) then the tax exemption...this is the one I am worried about. It appears to be more money than I have to pay for. If that is the case....there may be no Friends of the Bald Woman?? That would break my heart, but I have to pay my bills and feed my kids first. I am hoping to figure this out very soon.

On a lighter note... I ran 4.5 miles yesterday with increased speed and what felt effortless again! I am so happy about this. It was the first run in a year that has felt so...healthy! I have 7 more zaps or "tanning sessions" and I am a free woman. Pink party is in less than one week and I am very excited to have everyone together to thank!

Better run now. I am back to work today and the summer of fun is officially drawing to a close. I do have one vacation planned before school officially starts, but I am going to be working every other day till then. I love my job. I really don't mind working, but I think today that it is that changing routines again that bugs me. I will get back in a new swing, but summer...It just went too fast and I didn't get to really enjoy all of it. Radiation everyday kind of takes over summer....the good note is I did get to spend some great times with my kids.

Music

2010-08-05T07:10:00.000-07:00

Life is like a trumpet - if you don't put anything into it, you don't get anything out of it.
William Christopher Handy

Ahhh music...it soothes the soul! This, for those who do not know, really is one of my top two favorite things in life. I love to dance too, so dance music....ahhh love it! Music tells a story, reminds you of the past, or helps guide you through a difficult time in life. I can't tell you how many times I have been helped by someone else's words. No preference... just anything that moves me physically or emotionally.

Ironically, I feel this quote of the day today. It is almost as if the great quotes are speaking to me (no I am not going crazy)...LOL or maybe I am just finding meaning in EVERYTHING these days (ha ha). The more I have put into making my life more positive centered, honestly, the more fulfilled I have become. Even my everyday life with or without cancer is just happier. (This is with the exception of yesterday when I was running around town, shuttling kids, listening to them argue about who is going to tattle first, and coaching 12 soccer kiddos ages 5-7!!!) My life can get crazy...most of the time it is really....but I love it and wouldn't change a thing! Nobody...not even me... is Susy Sunshine all the time! My life has been far from easy so far (and that is the 1st 30 years :) they are supposed to be a breeze). Now my next 30 years will really allow me to have the "Better" not "Worse" part of my vows! Right??? Oh well either way...I will keep smiling, laughing, and attempting to be the "half full" girl!!! You are supposed to be the change you wish to see....

OK so round about way back to music. I heard a song the other day called "The breaths you take" (I think). Anyway, George Strait...great song. Google it!
Put in as much as you can and see what life gives you! Make some music today!

Pain

2010-08-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

Pain today...yeah I know you don't hear much from me about pain (unless you are my husband). Not the worst pain, but still sucks. It just feels "tight" or maybe swollen?? No blistering as of yet!!! Running is less than comfortable right now (must be the bouncing). I even did double sports bras....oh well. They deserve all this pain for trying to take me out!!! As you can see we(my girls and I) are still having issues with this previous attempt on my life....trying to move past it but feeling a bit untrusting of their future motives. As I have said numerous times before though...I will win and I am unafraid to try anything to win this battle!!! So far....they have nothing on me except some hair loss and that my friends is on it's way back!

I am 8 visits away from becoming a survivior not a patient and I will take any pain I possibly can to not extend this crap. Because that is what it is crap! I should just go work at Hanford (the nuclear plant) and at least I would be paid to radiate myself!! :)

The Friends of the Bald Woman non-profit is on its way to becoming a household name!!! Paperwork is in process, board of directors is bieng assembled, ideas are rolling, and facebook page up and going. Yeah facebookers for having over 40 friends in 4 hours!!! I realize that I am not really bald anymore but I am forever changed by this and so really hair or no hair I will always now be the Bald Woman. I am excited to be able to pay forward all the great things that so many people did for us. Too many cancer patients have nobody to help them through this difficult experience and Friends of the Bald Woman are they to be the "Friend" they need.

My Survival Song

2010-08-03T08:14:00.000-07:00

Thank you Gloria Gaynor for your inspirational song...here is my take

At first I was afraid I was petrified
wondring how I would make it out of this alive
And I spent so many nights
thinking I was all alone
But I was wrong
And I learned how to carry on
And now I'm back better than before
Oh I kicked your butt now turn around and walk out of that door
Don't you come back for more and don't you come knockin on my door
I am strong and now i've beat you once before

So Go, walk out the door
Don't come back now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
I have more power than you know
I have more stength I tell you so
you think I'll crumble
Well the answer is always no

Oh no, not I
I will survive
I am strong and I am tough and
I have more friends on my side
I've got all my life to live
I've got so much now to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
Hey Hey

See the light

2010-08-03T06:41:00.000-07:00

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.
Aristotle Onassis

When you can see this light at the end of a very dark tunnel it makes it bearable. I think that little light is what helped me to make it through this mess.There were moments when that light is all I saw and moments when it was very hard to see. I guess I just never let go of it. There were times I wanted to quit (like I really had a choice). There were times I wanted to scream and cry (such a drama queen I know). Then there were the times that were so overwhelming that making a joke is all you can do to not lose it. In two weeks to this day I will be done with all treatments and move on to a pill for five years. It then and only then I will call myself a "survivor". It happens to be my daughters 3rd birthday too...I consider it my Re-birthday!!

"Survivor" is a funny word though. I mean to me it seems like if I was in some natural disaster or plane crash then I could come out saying, "I survived". This...I don't know. Here is the dictionary definition.

sur·vive (sr-vv)
v. sur·vived, sur·viv·ing, sur·vives
v.intr.
1. To remain alive or in existence.
2. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere:
3. To remain functional or usable:
4. To live longer than; outlive:
5. To live, persist, or remain usable through:
6. To cope with (a trauma or setback); persevere after

Even though I don't feel as if I have "done" anything to earn this title I will take it and wear it with pride. I feel as if I have remained alive...OK good so has everyone reading this. As for the others on the list, well we all deal with trauma and we are forced through difficulties even you go kicking and screaming. I guess according to this I am a survivor. Anyone can be a survivor but me.... I survived with style!!! :)

There is great power in each of us that most people don't even know they have. The challenge today is find your gift, the thing that makes you happy no matter what kind of mood your in and then....Don't let go!

Big plans

2010-08-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

What a week. I am not sure which life I enjoy more....the one where I am shuttling kids to dance, coaching soccer, watching baseball, or the one where we sit and enjoy doing nothing. I guess as my daughter says it needs to be "the best of both worlds"!
Big plans for Think Pink...we are hopefully going to be non-profit witin the week (or at least our app will be processed). I am going to call the foundation "Friends of the Bald Woman". Now those who know me know I am not bald anymore, but "The Bald Woman" is really who I am now....the same me but changed! We will be helping people locally that can't afford co-pays, treatments, loss of work wages, food, housecleaning! I hope that we can give these guys the hope that I had during this phase of life. If we can reduce the stress of life then they can really focus on the best part....kicking this disease in the a**!
Other big plans the Thank you Think Pink Party will be in a few weeks. This will hopefully thank all those wonderful people that helped out along the way!

Life

2010-07-27T08:01:00.001-07:00

Quote of the Day
Life is half spent before we know what it is.
George Herbert

Not here....Lucky me gets to know what it's about a bit earlier than halfway. I am not going anywhere at 60!!!!! I will be like 90 at least! :)

I heard two stories in the last two days that really shook me. The both had to do with cancer in the brain, both were spread there by another cancer, and both came on very quick. It definitely makes this disease more real to me. When you are fighting this thing you keep your eye on the end. I had so much focus on the "end of chemo" and now the "end of radiation" (which is Aug 17th if you haven't heard)! When you do that, your focus goes there, your anger, your hope, and even your happiness...everything focused on that day. Then the day comes and goes and you begin to think and see and hear about what you have just done. This stupid disease takes lives and it could've taken mine. That is alot to process. I am still here and obviously I have much more work left to do. I have to remind myself more often right now not to focus on that negative side. I will tell you even for Ms. Positivity here that is hard. When you have something that threatens your life it is hard not to think about it. The fact that they can't even tell me 100% that I am done dealing with this (for the rest of my life) is even less comfortable. Doing with style once is one thing...more than once...I am not going to find out.
OK I think I have got all my negativity out for the day...sorry. My heart and prayers go out to each of those families and I hope that a miracle comes their way! (Never know..seen a few in 30 years)
No matter if you are fighting for your life, living your life, or anything in between just remember what it is that is important to you and surround yourself with it.

Time

2010-07-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

On this blog I get daily quotes and the ones I like the most end up on facebook and here. Yesterday's was this.....

Time is what we want most, but what we use worst.
William Penn

Oh time... How I wish it could just hurry up sometimes. The whole time I am wishing it away I am wasting it.....Time is funny little thing isn't it. It's like everything else we have in our lives is held on to, let go, cursed, praised, kept, forgotten, and too often used poorly. Why are we never satisfied? Watch the movie "Click" for a great example of this. We could have all the time in the world and wish it would "hurry up". How many times have you hurried time with your young children only to wish it would slow down when they are older. Being in the current moment of time is difficult. If we were more content with what we have maybe we could live in the moment more. I have a hard time with this too believe me.

Try this...for one day be totally satisfied with EVERYTHING...the amount of money, kind of house, the screams out of the working lungs of your children, the crappy cold coffee you are drinking, and the constant interruptions when you are trying to type really important information on your blog!!!!! (OK that one was mine) Toss away the watch and for one day do not worry about time. Eat when you are hungry not when it is "time", play, and be in the day and moment not the time. I have done this before (at first it was because of the chemo brain and I couldn't remember the day or time) but now it is fun. I can't live my whole life like that at this moment but sometimes for sure. Caution to you strict schedule followers....You will not like this but it is good for you....I promise!

Good luck and let me know how it goes! (Don't start making excuses for why you can't. If you are a person you can do this...It's ONE day out of your life. You can still do things that are mandatory on a schedule but challenge yourself to do the rest of the day!)

Fear

2010-07-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
Anais Nin

Perception is everything isn't it?

Last night my 6 year old son attended a break dance workshop put on by the Massive Monkeez. They were on America's Best Dance Crew and are amazing break dancers. He has been out of break dance class for a few months for summer break. He went to the workshop excited and as soon as he arrived his tone changed. He got very nervous and quiet. Anyone that knows my son knows he is anything but quiet especially when it comes to dancing. When it was time to get up and go in there he said no. He said he didn't want to go. I told him it was time and helped slightly push him in the direction of the door where his teacher stood. His teacher greeted him and said come on. He turned his head and looked at my smile and went in. He took a 2 hour class with kids that were 13-19 years old. Just to remind you he is 6!!! He was intimidated at first but quickly perked up and tried every single thing they were teaching. He didn't get them all right, and some were really challenging for him. I never once saw him quit and never once saw him not try.
He made a choice right there as we all often do. He was afraid. He could have let that fear take over, but he didn't. I am so proud of him pushing through a fear and just doing it. How many times have we as adults chose to not do something based solely on fear? Fear can stop us from so many things in life. It could be fear of rejection, not being good enough, or fear of the unknown. So what to all those fears....what if we are rejected, what if we are not the best, what if we don't know what comes next? I learned a great lesson from my 6 year old last night. No matter what comes at you just keep moving forward. It is like the saying says, "We have nothing to fear except fear itself"
I read the tough guy poem yesterday morning to my son and explained how tough guys are in each of us when we need them. Last night after his workshop I asked him if the tough guy came out and with a big smile he said "I am the tough guy!"
Whatever you may be fearful of today weather it is cancer or a big test remember that we all have a tough guy within us. Have less fear and more faith!

The Tough Guy

2010-07-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

The tough guy never flinches
he never moves a muscle
He goes through life unafraid
and always brings his hustle

He never backs down from a fight
and he never walks away
A tough guy will take one in the eye
and still come back another day

The tough guy takes some falls
he takes some great big beatings
He gets back up and tries again
with a knowledge that is defeating

No matter what or who he's fighting
he always does the same
He goes head on with the attitude
that he is gonna win this game

They say that when the going gets tough
that tough will only get going
Its true he will rise to the top
sometimes without even knowing

This guy that sounds so fierce and tough
that I speak of hear today
Is in fact not just a man
that fights things everyday

He can be in any shape or form
he can be a woman or a man
He is the one in each of you
who knows that no matter what, he can

Old or young, big or small
you have him in times of doubt
When you fall just get back up
and the tough guy will come out

Tough Guys

2010-07-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

Tough times never last, but tough people do.
Robert H. Schuller

I had to put this quote in here. I love it. We all go through tough times. We deal with good and bad things in our lives all the time. They come and go throughout lives like a roller coaster. The WAY in which we deal with times like these is the key to being a tough person. As long as we ride out the good and go through the bad learning things we too can be tough.

The toughest people I know are not afraid of anything. They take each challenge head on and don't quit. Those people learn from every fall and then get up and do it again a little differently. Those people inspire and change ways of thinking. They do this most of the time without even realizing it. Tough people come directly from tough times. If nothing difficult ever came your way you would never find out what you are made of. Another favorite quote that goes so well with this today is this...

You never know how tough you are until tough is your only option.

Now go out today and tackle all of your life's challenges with the attitude that ANYTHING is POSSIBLE. If you fall, learn something and then get back up and do it again.